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Me and sid had a long talk today

he asked me what I wanted to do after college and what i wanted to study to be

I told him I honestly couldnt think of anything..
I told him it would be my dream to win the lottery and not even work at all. To just sit around and play video games all day and maybe travel.

Then he said something a bit weird,

"If we make it that far, im not saying we won't,I will see to it you don't have to work"

What a promise to make.


But that really got me thinking.
This whole time I have been so wrapped up in myself and what changes i have been going through... doing what I always do.. live for the day.

I never really thought about the future...
It sounds like Sid is in this for the long hall.

My mind is still in "Were dating!' phase
I never really thought about what I would be doing years from now.

Then I becamed obsessed... did he want to marry me, thats what "I will make sure you don't have to work" means right?
Am I good enough for that? I am still in "First Boyfriend Discovery Mode"
Im not saying I want to date other people before getting married but the thought of having a future never really crossed my mind.

I just quit thinking about it all together once my change was coming. I felt like I lost my future as a male so I quit thinking about it even after I became female.

Then other discussions came up...
We talked about how our parents were bothering us because of what was going on.

He said he was ready to get out on his own and move out.
But he can't afford to.

I reminded him about that summer when we were 14 (he may have been 15 or 16 i cant remember) I think, we spent all summer together at his aunt's house. his aunt was NEVER around. It was just me and him for a few months

We had some of the best times then.

I said "I wish that we had that again, no one to bother us about things like that, just care free"

Then sid being sid started trying to think of a way for us to get an apartment together.

I finally had to put the breaks on him.

I told him "Come august when I start college, if we are still going strong like we are now(teasingly I said), Im not saying we wont, I can use my scholarship to pay part of the rent on an apartment near our campus, and let you cover the other part.

That made him happy.

Im not saying I don't want to live with him.

But he has to realize we just started dating not even a week ago. I know it probably feels like longer because of our friendship before. But things are going to be a bit different now.
I never thought I would have to be the one to put the breaks on him. Ever since that morning and we well.. you know. He feels like nothing else needs to be proven.

As much as I would like to think that because of our past friendship over all these years and chemistry we won't have any problems, life has thrown me one too many curve balls for me to just hope for the best.

I think im worrying over small stuff. Sid's heart is int he right place.
I just don't know what to think about all this. After that thought I just feel like I will blink my eyes AND boom im a house wife raising sids kids and I don't want that yet. I want us to still be having fun like our friendship has been like, but still keep the romantic part of it.

I guess im just not ready for an adult life yet.