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It's frightening.
I feel like I've grown more as a person in the past what, ten weeks? Than I have in most of my life.
I feel like something has set a ball rolling and it's not stopping.
It's wonderful, but it's scary.
It's happening so quickly; I'll get an idea and I'll understand it. I'll make the connection with something and it will make sense. And right then, it's like my thoughts have broadened. And for right then, my mind is as broad as it can be. And everything else before that that was important is no longer important; I look down at myself from five minutes ago, and think, Oh, wow, look how narrow-minded my thinking was. And this new thing I have figured out, this new way of thinking, will be so amazing and I'll talk about it like it's the greatest thing in the world and nothing could knock it down.

And then a day later something else happens, and it's like, "Oh, what you're thinking, that's nice, but here's where it's not quite right and here's something more to add on to it that makes more sense and is better."
And then holy s**t, there it goes again, my mind is broadened and everything before that moment was narrow-minded. It's like going up a funnel.

And it's so much at once and so quickly that it's almost frightening to think when or where it will end, but I don't want it to end, and I don't know if it's possible to end, and I want it to keep going because I think it's wonderful that it's happening.

Two years ago I couldn't have even entertained these thoughts. It was too narrow then.
But now it's so..
I can't even describe it, but I know a week from now I'll look back at this post and say, wow, she didn't even know the half of it. She was only seeing part of it. That passion she had for what she is feeling is nothing compared to what I know now.


This is education.
This is learning.
This is broadening the horizons and all those other metaphors that didn't make complete sense until I experienced them.
This is what college is about. This is learning.

So why isn't any of it happening in the classroom?
I'm not learning any of this in American Literature or Statistics.
Even my education classes only serve to illustrate my points and give me a foothold.
The learning and the discovery is happening on my own and with a few people who aren't even faculty, except one. And he won't be faculty after next semester.

Why isn't this a class?
Why isn't there Life 101 where they could have brought me here faster?
Why is this happening now?

I'm learning these educational theories and these philisophical and societal systems and ways of thinking, and no one is teaching them to me.
I'm coming up with them on my own, and then being told that it's so and so's style of whatever.
No one is teaching me these methods.
I had this whole feeling and theory of holistic education.
And then someone tells me it's called Waldorf.
I have an idea for why we see ourselves the way we do, and someone tells me it's this man's teachings.

Is that true education?
Not having someone tell you what to think and why something works?
But instead allowing the discovery and then naming it?
Is that true education?
Does true education only occur by ones self?
Only outside of the classroom?
Do I even have the power to convey half of what I understand now?
Or is my job to teach standards?
Because the standards seem pretty unimportant now.
Or do we need the standards to understand the big picture?
Am I just taking longer to get here than other people?

My brain is exploding, but it's healing quick enough to just stay in its expanded exploded state and still function, before it explodes again.

And two days from now, what seems now like an infinite horizon will really just be one section of an even larger picture.