Hmm, so..
The past week has been a living nightmare. I don't think it could have gotten any worse. Mkay, so I was all depressed at the beginning of the week, right? I honestly think I cried more this week than I ever have at one point in time. (And that's.. Wow. 'Cause I used to practically have depression.. Actually, Imma linger on that subject now) Yeah, so I used to pretty much have depression. I was badly ******** up in the head, and nobody knew. I desperately wanted to go see a therapist, and my mother wanted me too as well. But she had a different reason. She wanted me to go because she literally thought 'something was wrong with me.' She thought that I was so weird/had so many weird habits because I literally had something wrong with me. I kinda went along with this, 'cause that was the only way I was going to get to see a therapist without having to open up to my mom, which I would dread doing. (I'm not close with any of my family) So yeah, she talked to my dad about it, and he said no, because 'I was fine.' So I continued on with this pityful life, crying myself to sleep every single night. Crying about things that had happened years ago, some before I even exsisted. Crying about my relationship with my family, crying about the mental/physical/emotional abuse I had to go though. Crying about being constantly picked on at school. Crying about everything. Then, it all stopped. Well, the 'physical abuse' stayed, but eh, I learned to live with that. >.> I didn't get picked on at school anymore, I still had a terrible relationship with my parents, but I didn't care anymore. I got over all the little things like my uncle dying when I was just one-year old, and not ever having an older brother to watch over me because he was too ******** up. The 'depression' was gone. But, tbh, I think it's back. For completely different reasons, but I still think it's back. In the past week, my pillow has been so soaked. I would cry myself to sleep, and one day, as I woke up, I realized my pillow was still damp. Midway through the week, I got a grip. I became happy once more. Normal, same, happy Becca. But it didn't last long. Last night, it came back once more, just to haunt me for all I know. =/ *Sigh* Nothing ever works how I want it to. And it's always my fault that nothing works out. I just.. I just need to stop getting involved in things, because I know they're going to end terribly. I don't live in a fairy tale, as much as I wish I did, I don't, and I need to stop telling myself I do. I've declared my depression officially back, along with my thoughts of suicide. As much as I would never commit suicide because of my fear of blood, which goes along with my fear of pain and suffering, I still have those awful thoughts. Honestly, for someone who's never had ongoing thoughts of it, it's terrible. It makes you miserable, and you just want to do it to get the thought out of your head. Ugh, I just want to crawl up in a ball and die. X_X
=/ I actually hope I would die. Tbh, I HATE life, and wouldn't mind at all if I had never been born. But I'm not going to commit suicide, so I'm just sticking around waiting for death. Everyday, I just think, "I hope I get hit by a car today," or, " I hope I'm a hostage in a holdup and get shot today." All of these thoughts went away for a while, because I had found happiness. I had something that actually made me happy. But, like everything, it was taken away from me, and I was left with nothing. *Sigh* The truth hurts. =/
Becca_Gadd Community Member 
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