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There are two tragedies in life; one is not getting what you want, the other is getting it.

Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.

Prologues, as a general rule, must suck to make the rest of the book look good.

“I’m a ninja. My cooking is good. Or else.”

Silence may be golden, but Duct Tape is silver.

‘Pissing Off the Entire Planet, One Person At A Time’

Smiling causes wrinkles. So does glaring. But glaring is a whole hell of a lot easier than smiling.

I hear voices and they don’t like you.

‘Don’t be afraid of your Dark Side; have fun with it.

“Good girls are just bad girls who don’t get caught.”

‘I’d tell you to get a clue, but you couldn’t get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.’

“Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.”

And idiots – like you and myriads of other people in this world – create them.

‘The fact that nobody understands you doesn’t make you a genius.’

A mind is a terrible thing not to mess with

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Don’t call me infantile, you stinkybutt poopyhead!’

‘Curiosity killed the cat but for a while I was the suspect.’

‘If at first you don’t succeed, maybe winning isn’t for you.’

‘Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.’

‘Abandon sanity, all ye who enter here.’

-Don't play stupid with me. I'm better at it.

-I need alcohol. There are brain cells that are going to remember tonight and I want them dead.

-I know what you're thinking and you should be ashamed of yourself.

-Paul Revere Virus: Alerts you of sudden hard drive attacks. Once if (LAN) and twice if by C/:.

-Don't destroy the world!...That's where I keep my stuff.

-Everything is always okay in the end. If it's not okay then it's not the end.

-Radical Muslims: They believe if they kill themselves that they will be met in Heaven by 70 some odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith. To think that that would happen. When I haven't met one ON EARTH!

-Drunkenness, n: A temporary but popular cure for Catholicism.

-Religion is for people afraid of going to Hell. Spirituality is for those who have already been there.

-My parents said I could be anything when I grew up. So I became God.

I'm God. I'll let you know what to think.

-I hope there's an afterlife so I can waste that too.

-Tom is my only friend: The rest of my top 8 is a mixture of alcohol, anti-depressants and internet porn.

-I know I'm not perfect, but I'm so close it scares me!

-Since the day of my birth, my death began its walk. It is walking towards me, without hurrying.

-You know how I smile when I see you? It's because I'm laughing deep down inside.

-I used to have super human powers, but my therapist took them away.

-I'm so great. I'm jealous of myself.

-Please don't bother me when I'm ignoring you.

-Product of a sick society.

-No ones perfect. Well... there was this one guy.. But we killed him.

-Pain is created when the brain receives more stimuli than it can process. Pleasure is reaching the brink of this. So, stop screaming. Your brain just doesn’t know you’re enjoying this yet.

Normal is just a setting on a washing machine...

-Love is but a hostile shadow. You run, and it chases you, and in the end it devours you like a black hole devours a spaceship.

-Chocolate doesn't make you fat, it makes your clothes shrink!

-When life gives you lemons, make lemonade...Then you can sell it to the suckers on your street and get yourself some candy.

When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and sit back and watch the world wonder how the hell you did it.

-When life gives you lemons...WRITE YAOI.

-I am not anti-social..I just don't like you.

-Sky is not a ceiling that is protecting us... It's an opened door that invite us to meet the stars...

-I think...therefore I am dangerous.

-If I don't like you, you're stupid. If you're stupid shut then ******** up.

-STRAIGHT? So's spaghetti until you heat it up

-I'm God.

-Why do villains have white hair and wear black?...Because they have no dandruff...Evil?...VERY.

-I want less to do, more time to do it, and a higher pay for not getting it done.

-"...if I was really as crazy as you say, then I would be locked up in a loony bin. As you see, this is not the case. If...I'm sorry, can you help me? My nose itches and this straitjacket is on a little tight..."

-If men could get pregnant abortion would be a sacrament.

-I'm tough, ambitious and know exactly what I want. If that makes me a b***h, okay.

-I haven't seen anyone killed and I have yet to kill anyone. I have shown great restraint.

-If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

-If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

-Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

-Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

-What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

-If you speak to god you're religious. If God speaks to you you're psychotic.

-I think of lying as creative "truth-making".

-Depression is anger without enthusism.

-Goths hate the world, but with emos, the world hates them.

-Imagination was given to man to compensate for what he's not and a sense of humor for what he is.

-Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

-It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

-It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

-If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.

-I'm not arrogant. Arrogance is a flaw. I have no flaws.

-"There was something very wrong about L naming a female dog after him, and knowing

the detective, it was a very roundabout way of calling him a b***h."

(From the story Coexistence is Boredom)

-Jesus may walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

When you get knocked down, jump right back up and give the finger to whatever knocked you down

Your stupidity thoroughly convinces me that our species is doomed.

Never poke a sleeping fox in the eye.

When seeking darkness, wear a blindfold. When seeking light, take it off!

"It is very comforting to believe that leaders who do terrible things are, in fact, mad. That way, all we have to do is make sure we don't put psychotics in high places and we've got the problem solved."

"All warfare is based on deception. We cannot enter into alliances until we are acquainted with the designs of our neighbors."

You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once.”

“Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

“Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

“He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

“The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.”

Training starts at the crack of noon.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance?

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

I just met a wonderful new man. He's fictional but you can't have everything.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

Imagination is more important than knowledge.

I could say that men have monthly problems too, but then I’d be lying. It’s more like weekly.

I don’t have anger management issues…I manage to get angry just fine.

Kinda hard to be an anti-Christ of anything when you're not Christian

Universal law states that the more eagerly you await something, the more time seems to stretch out until it gets there.

When a group of psychopaths calls you insane…does it really count?

Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in most states.

If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness!

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up too..

So what's the speed of dark?

This isn't school! This is Hell with fluorescent lighting

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

If you can belch the alphabet, you didn't spend enough time doing something useful for society.

Religion is a byproduct of fear. For much of human history, it may have been a necessary evil, but why was it more evil than necessary? Isn't killing people in the name of God a pretty good definition of insanity?"

“God’s busy, how may I help you?”

“Your village called, they want their idiot back.”

Puts the F - U in FUN

“I upped my standards, now up yours!”

“Gee, let me find a container for my joy.”

My life is one of those, "you had to be there" jokes.

When life gives you lemons… go buy Ramen.

Bad spellers of the world UNTIE!

"It seemed like a good idea at the time..."

I'll be more mature if you will.

“You’re village called, they want their slut back.”

"I didn't say it was your fault, I said I'm going to blame you."

“I’m not here.”

“I see stupid people.”

There are several reasons for porn,

And one has just entered my head;

If a man cannot read it while living,

How the hell can he read it when dead?

Comfort the disturbed, disturb the comfortable.

"Sarcasm... just one more service I offer."

"If my head were really up my a**, then how can you explain my great hair?"

“Sit down, shut up, and buckle your seat belt.”

“Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?”

"Why don't you slip into something nice, like unconsciousness?"

"You're child may be an honor student, but you're an idiot."

"I tried to tie down my troubles, but the little brats escaped!

"I don't just enjoy guilt trips, I run the agency!"

Why do something today that you can put off till tomorrow?

Boldly going nowhere.

It’s a dog eat dog world. And my dog has already crapped your pooch out.

"Bravo, you're stupid. Have a treat."

Dog is my copilot.

“What the hell do you mean, ‘Sands of Time’, I am the f-ing sands.”

“‘THE BIRDS AND THE BEES’ HAS A DOUBLE MEANING?”

"I'm busy, you're ugly, have a nice day."

Runs with scissors

Chaos, panic, fear... my work is done here.

"There was a sensative poet inside me, but I kicked his a** and put a bandana on his head."

Loved by some, hated by many, envied by most, yet wanted by plenty!

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

“You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!”

"I'll kill you until you die!"

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open

sewer and die"

“Excuse me... have you seen my sanity? I think I lost it.”

“Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.”

"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I

win or lose."

"Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it makes you

walk funny."

“None of us are virgins, life has screwed us all.”

All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets

“The more I get to know people the more I like dogs”

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now

A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking

Consciousness- that annoying time between naps

"Two Rules For Success:

1.Never tell people everything you know."

A good essay is 10 inspiration, 15 perspiration, and 75

Desperation

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried pushing forward through a door marked ‘pull’.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

"I'm going to live life or die trying"

"I'm not scared of dying, I just don't want to!"

You'll die, but don't worry, you'll live through it.

"The devil came to me last night and asked what I wanted in exchange

for my soul. I still can't believe I said pizza. Friggin' cravings."

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

Everyone in life has a purpose, even if its to serve as a BAD EXAMPLE.

"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility"!

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they fly by."

"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."

Those who think they know everything, annoy those of us that do.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Now fix it.

"The power to believe in yourself, is the power to change fate."

"The good news is that you may have created my past and screwed up my present but you have no control over my future."

"Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to."

It takes 42 muscels to smile, so instead pick up your middle finger and

say bite me in a bitchy tone!

"Even If It Kills Me, I'm Gonna Smile."

-How did you do that?

-With great skillful skill and great speedy speed.

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

Don't poke logic shaped holes in my reasoning.

I believe in looking at the proverbial glass of life as not only empty, but smashed on the sidewalk and neglected by society.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I’d like to have a battle of wits with you but I don’t fight people that are unarmed.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I have no preference. I hate everyone equally.

"Oh please! You're family's in danger every time you pick up a butter knife!" -

-Shoots monkey-

"Look, an undead monkey!"

"Those clothes do not suit you at all, love. It should be a dress, or nothing. You know, I happen to have no dress in my cabin..."

Only time I've ever seen Dad as angry as Mum. Fred reckons his left buttock has never been the same since.'

'Yea, well, passing over Fred's left buttock- '

'Beg your pardon?' said Fred's voice as the twins entered the kitchen.

Snape sneaks up on Harry from behind

Snape: Potter, what are you doing wandering the coridors at night?

Harry: I'm sleep walking.

When you take a few punches and realise you're not made of glass, the world suddenly isn't such a scary place.

"People think that I must be a very strange person.

This is not correct.

I have the heart of a small boy.

It is in a glass jar on my desk."

"Morgan is the one talking about soul ripping and element tearing. I think the ship had kind of sailed, you know? The barn door’s open, the cows are out, and the bag is really devoid of cats!"

"I wouldn’t mind if you want to kill me

but I might struggle a bit..."

I'm 17. Looking at linoleum makes me want to have sex.

'I reject your reality and substitute my own.'

"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalant exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one and only truth."

"No, you don't get it, thats why I'm telling you. You think you get it, which isn't the same as actually getting it. Get it?"

"I'll make up for my age with a really big gun."

Vernon: Listening to the news! Again?
Harry: Well, it changes every day, you see

Vernon: We're not stupid, you know.
Harry: Well, that's news to me.

"I expect what you're not aware of would fill several books, Dursley."

Commodore: You are the worst pirate I have ever heard of.
Jack Sparrow: But you have heard of me.

Tia: You have a touch of destiny about you, William Turner.
Will: Do you know me?
Tia: You want to know me.
Jack: There will be no knowing here!

"I've got a jar of dirt! I've got a jar of dirt! And guess what's inside it?"

Lord Cutler Beckett: You're mad!
Jack: If I wasn't, this'd probably never work.

"We have sticktion!"

"A good leader is a person who takes a little more than his share of the blame and a little less than his share of the credit."

Haikus are easy,
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator

"Whatever, Mr. Insane-Vain-Poppin-a-Little-Too-Far-Out-of-his-Head-While-Swinging-a-Bat-Guy..."

There are too kinds of anger - explosive and implosive. Explosive is the man in the supermarket that screams at the cashier for not taking his coupons. Implosive is the cashier, who sits there day... after day... and then one day, shoots everyone in the store. You're the cashier."

“The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

“Je vais ou je vas mourir, l'un et l'autre se dit ou se disent. “
Translation : “I am about to -- or I am going to -- die: either expression is correct.”

“Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French Fries'!” -- James French -- French, a convicted murderer, was sentenced to the electric chair. He shouted these words to members of the press who were to witness his execution.

“Put out the bloody cigarette!!” - Saki - Spoken to a fellow officer while in a trench during World War One, for fear the smoke would give away their positions. He was then shot by a German sniper who had heard the remark.

“Hurrah for anarchy! This is the happiest moment of my life.” -- George Engel, anarchist, union activist, shouted before his execution at the gallows.

“Nobody shot me.” --Frank "Tight Lips" Gusenberg, American mobster murdered as part of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. -- In response to a police officer who asked "Who shot you?"

It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.

"You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the diet coke of evil. Just one calorie - not evil enough!"

And you wonder why you life is an unending series of insurmountable intellectual, financial and emotional hurdles..."

Carla: Why can't you just, for once, dig deep down into your heart, access some emotions, and empathize with me?

...Later...

Dr. Cox: Listen, I was thinking about what happened earlier, and... Anyway...uh, here.

He presents a small styrofoam box containing a pastry.

Carla: Wow. You finally dug deep down in your heart and came up with a muffin!

-Dr. Cox whacks JD upside the head-

-draws hand back, its covered in gel-

"Dear God, Newbie, how much product do you use?"

JD, "Oh my god, it's David Copperfeild!"

"I'm up to here with cool, okay, I am so amazingly cool that you could keep a side of meat in me for a month, I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over my pelvis, now would you move before I blow it?"

"Hello. My name is Indigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Greg - "I'm like a sponge, I just absorb information...

Gil - "I thought that was my line."

Greg - "Yeah. And I absorbed it."

Gil - "How much do you weigh?"

Warrick - "Uh, that's between me and my trainer."

Gil - "Do I have to get a scale?"

Warrick - "Buck-ninty-five, give or take a dounut."

Gil - "Tell me about his testicles."

Doc Robbins - "What?! Ah, okay... I'm working with you..."

Cath - "...what kind of perverse game are you playing here, Gil?"

Gil - "I'm not a pervert."

Greg - "...you smell like death."

Sara - "I've heard!"

"It's raining man juice?"

"I think people who curse are skanks."

Prison Vs. School

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your
time in an 8x10 cell.
AT SCHOOL you spend most of your time at
a desk that sticks to your butt

IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT SCHOOL you only get a break for 1
meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON you get time off for good
behavior.
AT SCHOOL you get rewarded for good
behavior by being called the teachers pet.

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all
the doors for you.
AT SCHOOL u get locked out of your
classroom from the outside

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play
games.
AT SCHOOL you get detention for playing
games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT SCHOOL you have to share and wait
your turn on line.

IN PRISON they allow your family and
friends to visit.
AT SCHOOL you cannot even speak to your
family and friends.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life
looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.

AT SCHOOL you spend most of your time
wanting to get out and go inside bars.

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone.

Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!

If you think those kids should just give the Rabbit his cereal put this in your profile!