where do i begin.
I guess you can say at first i was a bit superficial and completely into looks.
But after a few heart breaks and a bunch of tears i gave up in looking for love.
A four year process that i have not forgotten.
At first loneliness made me seek a friend just to hang with...
but then I met him through a friend; and things just started to click.
He asked me out on a bet. XP although, he says that he was going to ask anyways.
but most of the time i don't believe it.
Slowly i fell deep in love with this guy, he treats me okay, although, most of you would probably differ.
But you have to think that there is always ups and downs in a relationship. It's just mostly down in mine
He gets quite frustrated with me and i do with him.
He drives me nuts and pushes my buttons, but in return i do the same. XP
However, i wish he'd cherish me just a bit more than he does now. D:
I want to feel like i can be protected by him. But right now i don't think he can.
I'm much too old to just sit back and wait till he propose to me D:
but no matter how much i want him to marry me. I don't think i'll ever happen.
I try to talk to him about this matter or any other matter, but he just ignores me.
It tears and jerks my heart when he does that. I have told him...but once he's in his
"i'm ignoring you" mode he doesn't listen. -_-
People have told me to break up with him, but how can i?
i love him too much too. D:
Maybe if i left the country it would be much easier.
But doing so i'd leave my best friend who i love so dearly just as well.
our relationship has been so long that i don't know if i believe him D:
but it could go the other way around just as well. Him not believing me too.
I don't get calls for my anniversary and i don't get flowers quite as much anymore.
i usually ask for them then i get them XP
I feel our love is a dwindling candle that is at it's last breath of air.
Nothing seems to save it, not even trying to put it on top of another candle to continue the love.
When he says he loves me i want to ask how much? and why?
when he holds me, i wonder if he's just doing it to make it seem like were a couple.
When he holds my hand, does he feel all warm and fuzzy still like i do?
How much more weight do i have to lose till he wants me to stop???and when will he say that i'm just perfect the way i am and i should not loose any more T+T
Will i have to waste my life away waiting for my real life to begin?
the achs in my chest won't go away, cause the one i love seems still far far away.
He doesn't understand my culture, even though he is from it.
I can go on and on about all the stress i'm thinking
but i'll keep it too myself.
i predict that i won't get married till the age of 37.
why you ask???
well he plans to go back to school.
so he waits two years to get on the nursing program.
then another 4 years to finish nursing.
and who knows maybe another two years for that guy to even think of proposing to me -_-
just thinking about that makes me want to break up and move on D:
cause with another seven years with someone else and getting married would be the same -_-
and maybe the other would treat me better D;
but i doubt i'll ever leave XP
i feel cursed and depressed.
all i want to do is sleep and sleep.
sleeping makes the ach in heart go away, i'm numb from such stress and depression i have.
but now i have insomnia, can't sleep much D:
so if it gets worse i'll be on sleeping pills.
And let me just say.....i won't just take one.
and death doesn't seem scary when you sleep.
so far i've done a pretty good job in talking myself out of it everyday.
but i don't know how long this will will last.
i want to be happy and cheerful.
I NEED A CHANGE!!!
but being in love with him won't let me.
this feeling of limbo is so horrid that it's eating me up from within.
All this hurt just cause i love him, but i just won't leave him.
Because i love him.