Reichiru has been arrested for stalking, ignoring a restraining order and a PPO, taming watch dogs, and selling cuppy merchandise without a license.
Judge Leon: Court is now in session for the case of Tomoe vs. ummm… er… what the hell is this guy's last name?
Edmund: Can we just get on with this?
Judge: Right. The prosecution may call the first witness.
Phoenix Wright: We would like to call…
Judge [interrupts]: Don't I know you from somewhere?
Phoenix: Umm… maybe from court? Since, you know, I'm a lawyer? And you're a judge?
Judge: I just feel like you don't belong…
Phoenix [sweatdrop] Er, we'd like to call Liam to the stand.
[Liam enters, winks at a few females in the room, sits in the witness chair]
Phoenix: Please state your name and relationship to my client.
Liam: The name is Liam. I am the shop keeper of Create and Apparel over in Aekea. I'm a Sagittarius, I enjoy long walks on the beach…
Judge: That's enough, witness. This is a courtroom, not "Blind Date."
Phoenix: Mr… um… Liam. If you could, in your own words, please explain the defendant's relationship to the plaintiff.
Liam: Oh, hey baby! [Reichiru wrinkles her nose in disgust] That's the girl that is always drooling all over Edmund's window front. I keep telling her if she came over to my shop and did that I wouldn't ever have a problem with it like Gramps does.
Phoenix: How often would you say Ms. Tomoe spends outside of Mr… um… geeze… what is this guys last name?
Edmund: None of your concern.
Phoenix: Erm, right. Anyway, how often would you say Ms. Tomoe is outside of the window of H.R. Wesley?
Liam: Well, not all the time. Sometimes she hides behind bushes when he goes out, or hides in the alleyway. And then she spends plenty of time conducting meetings with E.S.P.
Phoenix: E.S.P.?
Liam: Edmund's Sexy Party. [Edmund visibly reddens at the name] You know, one of those fan club things. I have one, except they seem to have this weird obsession with turning me into a chick and causing me bodily harm… but I suppose if they like it, I can deal with a weird fetish…
Judge: Please stop rambling!
Liam: Sorry, your honor!
Phoenix: So you are saying that Ms. Tomoe spends a great deal of time watching my client like some sort of peeping tom?
Reichiru: I resent that! We like to be called stalkers, thank you very much!
Judge: Order! Witness, please answer the question.
Liam: Are you kidding? That girl probably knows Edmund better than his own mother! Oh, and she told me about this little mole you have, Edmund. Is it true it's right on your…
Phoenix: That's enough! No further questions!
Judge: Defense, you may now cross examine the witness.
Simplistic-Tyranny: So, Liam... how do you know so much about the relationship between my client and the plaintiff?
Liam: I have eyes. How could I not notice?
Tyra: But you don't live anywhere near Durem, do you? How could you know that Ms. Tomoe is always hanging around H.R. Wesley?
Liam: Well, she's always there when I go into town. I'm friends with Moira, so I go there a lot.
Tyra: Friends, eh? I don't think that's how she would describe it. [turns to the judge] Your honor, I would like to add these to the court's records.
Judge: What the heck are these?
Tyra: This is a picture of the witness and a poem he wrote for Moira, Sasha, and Vanessa.
Edmund: [jumps up] You were trying to put the moves on Vanessa?!
Reichiru: [laments] Why can't you just forget about that skank?!
Judge: ORDER! Will you please explain the validity of these items?
Tyra: Certainly. Liam bothers these three women incessantly. These two items are only his most recent attempts at winning their affection; Affection that they have rejected several times.
Liam: Hey!
Tyra: Your honor, this man is a stalker in his own right! How can he judge Ms. Tomoe's intentions toward the plaintiff when he is too busy stalking three women on his own time?!
[The court room becomes noisy]
Judge: Order! Is this true, witness?
Liam: Whatever. They're just playing hard to get.
Tyra: The defense has no further questions.
[Bat Neko stands up]: SHAZAM!
Liam: Dammit… I'm a woman again…
Judge: [sighs] Next witness please.
Phoenix: The prosecution calls Johnny K. Gambino to the stand.
[Gambino enters with a large BWAHAHAHA]
Judge: Is that really necessary?
Gambino: It's all part of the money maker, judgy-baby.
Phoenix: Please state your name and relationship to my client.
Gambino: The name is Johnny K. Gambino, multi-millionaire, and best friend of the plaintiff.
Phoenix: And can you identify the girl sitting there? [points to Reichiru who grins and waves]
Gambino: Sure I can! It's bush girl!
Phoenix: Bush girl?
Gambino: Yeah, whenever I go out with Edmund she's always hiding in the bushes. I find her to be a riot, but Edmund always gets pissy when he notices her. I think he's still mad about the time she caught him in the bath.
Phoenix: Er… right. Anyway, has Ms. Tomoe…
Gambino: Is that her name? Nice!
Phoenix [sweatdrop]: Um, has Ms. Tomoe ever initiated a conversation with my client, Edmund?
Gambino: A few times. She goes into his shop a lot. Most of the time she hides behind a rack of clothing, but if she wants to buy something she has to talk to him.
Phoenix: Has she ever touched my client?
Liam [shouts from the back of the room]: WOO!
Judge: Would someone get that moron out of here?
Gambino: She tends to keep a respectful distance. 3 mm is respectful these days, right?
Phoenix: Thank you. No further questions.
Judge: Defense, please begin your cross examination.
Tyra: Mr. Gambino, do you find that sweet, innocent face to be dangerous?
Judge: I knew you looked familiar! Haha, objection… erm… I mean, overruled.
Gambino: Not really. She's always polite when I see her… even if she is a bit socially awkward… and tends to have bits of twig stuck in her hair.
Tyra: You find nothing about this girl's behavior frightening, yet the plaintiff feels his safety is being compromised. Don't you find this odd considering Mr. Edmund is 6'2 and 205 lbs? Much bigger than my client, don't you think?
[Reichiru giggles]: Much bigger.
Judge: Order!
[Gambino seems lost in emo-rific thought for a moment… dwelling on a certain teeny-tiny censor circle]
Tyra: Mr. Gambino?
Gambino: Oh, right. Yes, I suppose he is. [emo thought again]
Tyra: No further questions, your honor.
Judge: Enough of this freak show. Call someone useful to the stand, prosecution!
Phoenix: Right! I call Edmund to the stand!
[Edmund stands up at makes his way to the witness chair]
Reichiru: Check out that a**!
[Edmund shoots her a death glare]
Reichiru: Over 9,000 baby!
Judge: Please control yourself defense!
Phoenix: [sweatdrop] Please state your name and why you are here.
Edmund: I am Edmund, shop keeper at H.R. Wesley – the finest goods in all of Gaia. We are here today because that girl [points at Reichiru] is constantly harassing me.
Reichiru: He acknowledged me! Did you see that guys?! OMG!
E.S.P. Members: AHHH!!! HE'S SO HAWT!!!!
Edmund: See what I mean! It's maddening!
Phoenix: Please tell the court about your usual interaction with the defense.
Edmund: Interaction? There is none! She's constantly oogling from afar. No matter where I turn, there she is! My shop window, my flat window… which is on the SECOND floor I might add! She hides in bushes, in my shop behind clothing… she's ALWAYS THERE. Not to mention whenever I mention Vanessa's name…
Reichiru: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Edmund: See!
Phoenix: Has Ms. Tomoe caused you any damages?
Edmund: Aside from to my sanity? Well, there are smudges all over my front window thanks to her pressing herself up against it all the time. I think the ‘W' in Wesley is permanently ruined thanks to her rubbing her nose against it. And then she has drooled on my shoes a few times…
Phoenix: No further questions.
Judge: Go ahead with the cross examination, defense.
Tyra: Edmund. Edmund… You have pretty eyes, did you know that?
Edmund: OH NO! SHE'S ONE OF THEM!
Reichiru: Tyyyraaaa! Stop flirting with him!!!!
Tyra: Oh, sorry. Erm, so, you find Ms. Tomoe to be a nuisance, correct?
Edmund: More like a stalker. The girl holds meetings where they talk about weird things like my underwear and who should play me in a movie.
Terpis: Sean Connery!
Steph: No! Daniel Day-Lewis!
Caden: Will Lex be in the movie?
Judge: ORDER!
Tyra: So, they are fans?
Apple: Sexy fans!
Demi: That have sexy parties!
Sins: And make sacrifices and do voodoo to get Edmund to be our love slave!
Edmund: [looks annoyed] I suppose in some twisted way, yes.
Tyra: Is it really a bad thing to have fans? People that think you are special?
Edmund: No, but it goes to far when one of them is watching me 24/7.
Tyra: Are you aware that Ms. Tomoe saved your life once?
Edmund: Excuse me?
Tyra: Before Halloween you were targeted by a sniper, were you not?
Luna: Poor cuppy!
Edmund: Yes. Zhivago. A vampire.
Prince Haijin: ZHIVAGO AND EDMUND, OTP!!!!
Tyra: Erm, right. Did it ever strike you as strange that he missed?
Edmund: No. I dodged it.
Tyra: Dodged a trained sniper's bullet? Someone that had managed to take down both your best friend, Mr. Gambino, and the Barton Boutique shop keeper by the name of Ian? You may be good, Sir, but not that good.
Sera: That's not what the book of Edmund says!
Edmund: Well, how do you explain it?
Tyra: You said Ms. Tomoe watches you 24/7. So wouldn't it make sense that she would have been there that night in those same bushes as your sniper?
Edmund: …yes.
Tyra: Ms. Tomoe actually saved your life that night! She saw someone that did not belong and pushed him as he pulled the trigger!
Phoenix: That's speculation!
Tyra: That's fact! Was she out there that night?!
Edmund: Yes, I suppose she was.
Reichiru: I thought it was a Liam fan. That's why I pushed him. Didn't even notice the gun.
Tyra: So it would seem the girl the plaintiff has named a nuisance is actually the only reason he is still alive!
[murmuring goes through the court room]
Tyra: No further questions.
Judge: If the prosecution and defense have nothing else to say, I would like to get on with my ruling.
Reichiru: Don't I get to be a witness?
Tyra: No.
Reichiru: Whyyyyy?
Tyra: Because you'd incriminate yourself.
Judge: It seems to me that we have a case of mistaken identity here.
Edmund: What?
Reichiru: Is it my evil twin again?
Judge: This girl has been labeled a stalker when all she can be called is a fan.
Reichiru: No, I'm really a stalker.
Tyra: You're doing that incriminating yourself thing again!
Judge: It seems the real crime is neglect… and the perpetrator is none other than the plaintiff himself!
Edmund: Excuse me?!
Judge: Mr… um… Edmund. If you paid a bit more attention to your fan club, perhaps they wouldn't be reduced to hiding in bushes.
Edmund: But she keeps leaving me marriage proposals!
Judge: Silence! It seems I have no choice but to find Edmund guilty of fan neglect. Take him away.
Edmund: WHAT?! I wasn't even on trial! This doesn't make any sense! Take your hands off of me! Do I need to Sparta-kick you?!
Judge: I will decide his punishment at a later date.
Reichiru: Wait! I have an idea! [jumps up and goes to whisper in the judges ear]
Judge: Interesting. Alright, I have decided what the sentence will be. Edmund will be sent to solitary confinement with Ms. Tomoe for a period of 24 hours so he can get acquainted with one of his fans.
Tyra: Why did you do that, Rei?
Reichiru: I can't afford the fines I have to pay to clean the window. And this seems fun!
Phoenix: She thinks jail will be fun?
Tyra: Well you wouldn't get it. You've never been a fan girl.
Phoenix: How do you know?!
Edmund: This isn't fair! You can't do this! That completely defeats the point of solitary confinement! [Being dragged away]
Reichiru: Wait for me, Darling! [runs after him]
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Follow the quest; follow the stalkage
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