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After countless years of running, its finally starting to catch up with me. all of the emotions that have been bottled up inside are reaching critical, and theres no reasonable way for me to rid of the evil.

sixteen long years and my indifference to anything has taken its toll.... from keeping calm in the midst of an act so violent it wouldve sparked conflict with another... to keeping serene in the face of a loved one who has passed from right before my eyes.

horror, sadness, lamentation, frustration, rage, animocity, unsureness, depression... its all starting to hit like a hurricane, and now i know why it is that people like me take to mutilating themselves to console whatever shred of humanity they have left.

ive seen everything; ive seen loved ones die and put into the ground, hell.... ive been pallbearer eight times.... ive let someone beat me relentlessly before going to my next class, all because he didnt like the way i answered a question of his... i never shed a tear at any of my loved ones` feunerals, my dad didnt like it when i cried, even if it was for a noble cause....

so now i sit herem breaking down from the inside out... trying to think of some way of freeing the whole lot of unneeded feelings as quickly and painlessly as possible... but untill then, ill harbor these baleful anomalies untill such a time comes that i can find a quiet place and a good punching bag.... course the bag might not stand a chance...

I hit a vein by accident that night, but the blood tasted excellent