I feel like I want to completely erase sometimes... just disappear... everything I am. The feelings of alienation and estrangement from even the most casual and close friends. But do I bring such things on myself? If so, then how do I change it? How can I try and be something I'm not? My life... it's so misconstrued and random and frustrating... do I want happiness? For whom? There are times that having something or someone to protect, to guard and be loved for it; but also... someone to take care of me... someone that knows how I'm feeling and can help me without so much as a word... someone who when I look at her is left speechless because no one else looks at her that way... sad thing is, I have not the courage to seek out such a woman...
Courage... a coveted trait I feel lays hidden deep within even myself. Perhaps I'd feel more comfortable on some battlefield, fighting for my life instead of living it. At least in a place like that I'd have anger to fuel myself. But the courage to so much as look into a woman in the eye when speaking to her I lack. I've sat up at night, trying to think of ways to remedy this... is it the fear of rejection that stirs up such actions? Another recurring theme in my life... rejection...
All I can do to help myself is write in broken thoughts on paper... though I do not wish for pity sometimes I feel as if it cannot be avoided... perhaps because it's true...
I've decided that when I move... there are some things that must be left behind... pieces of my past that I can't take with me, not if I want to be happy in the future. I'll leave them behind but will never forget them, for without a past one cannot discern the path to their future... their destiny... is that why I've come to this decision? My destiny? I always thought that I was the one in control of it, but recent events have made me feel otherwise...
Cuts hurt... even the ones that must be done... and I have a lot of cutting to do......
Song of the Night: Mudvayne - Fall Into Sleep
Captn Boomstick · Tue Jul 05, 2005 @ 02:39am · 2 Comments |