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The Rant....Book.
The name says it all.
I...really really hate Sephiroth o.o

Sephiroth is the main villain of Final Fantasy VII. Both the game and its main villain are worshipped by sixteen year old girls, thirteen year old boys, and Final Fantasy fans alike. As with many obsessively worshipped objects, Sephiroth is not all that noteworthy.

Sephiroth was a major villian in the video game Final Fantasy 7. Bad writing on behalf of the game designers muddled any backstory this character may have had, while bad design provided him with a weapon three times as tall as himself.

Fanboys ate this s**t up then spewed it back onto the unsuspecting Internets.

Sephiroth (and any equivalent p***y) has done the following:

* Thoroughly licks his freak-of-nature mother's c**t at every given moment. Please note that Sephiroth's mother has eyes for nipples. Use this information as you so choose.
* In a fit of angst, sets fire to an insignificant country town because, like his mother, he discovers that he too is a freak of nature. Cloud, the equally angsty main character of Final Fantasy VII, gets pissy over this but still wants his fudge packed by Sephiroth. (note: Every Sephiroth fangirl in existence masturbates to this scene.)
* Killed a certain Mary Sue but only because she got more sex than he did. Honestly, a church-going flower girl? That's definitely a cover up for prostitution.
* Fails at summoning something called "Meteor" which was supposed to make him into Jesus through a series of chemical processes. There's probably some lengthy explanation for this mess but it's insignificant compared to the power of the tender crisp bacon cheddar ranch.

Sephiroth was arrested in June but was released on 15,000,000 gil bail at least 100 years ago. He is currently residing in Utah and is wanted for 6 counts of possession of child pornography and the murder of an ancient.

These actions weren't put into any special order since greater acts of villainy could easily be committed by your mom. It's also not that difficult to destroy a town with, like, nine people living there and then spend most of your later time brooding in a hole about your mom.

Sephiroth has played a role in every type of fanfiction, fanart, Japanese fancomic, and top secret document. You'll see him in Mary Sue oriented stories, in the midst of all-male orgies, on the receiving end of bukkake, and with shitting d**k nipples.

Sephiroth, like any other lame villain, is easily differentiated from better villains simply by the gawthik way he dresses. Callow, brainless fangirls love him for his looks and his uncanny similarity to themselves.

The most notable of his attire includes his Mary Sue-like prematurely greyed hair and highlighter green eyes, his taste in homoerotic leather that includes one of the angst-filled trenchcoats worn at Columbine, and combat boots purchased at Hot Topic for $250 plus tax.

Each and every one of Sephiroth's fangirls have dreams of marrying him someday. Until then, they offer sacrifices to their well guarded Sephiroth altars, all of which are covered in Sephiroth fanart and fanfiction. Depending on the type of fangirl they are, they either cosplay as Sephiroth themselves or take a buddy to cosplay as Sephiroth while they cosplay as Aeris or another bothersome Mary Sue. If the latter occurs, the fangirl will doubtlessly drool into "Sephiroth"'s mouth and never brush their teeth again.

Mention you hate Sephiroth to one of these obsessive fangirls and a flame war will begin. If you can wade through fifty page essays of why these fangirls think Sephiroth is so great, then you'll find hours of lulz inside. Tell your friends!

After Final Fantasy 7's release in the United States, roleplayers in chat rooms all across the internet adoped the Sephiroth identity as their own. Sephiroth was a particularly popular role to take on in any Dungeons and Dragons chat room with avatars enabled. Fat, ugly and anthropophobic people could disguise their shortcomings behind this image of a dark and mysterious figure. Single girls with no knowledge of the video game were often enamored by the ruse while other male roleplayers would fight over who was the real Sephiroth. See: Velcro's Law.

Soon Sephiroth spread outward from his basement-dwelling roots. Irc chats, social lounges, message boards, and even cybersex sites were filled past capacity by socially and mentally disabled teenagers. Within days the Sephiroths numbered so many that imaginative surnames and decorations had to be added to each Sephiroth's screen name.

Sephiroth was ultimately and unceremoneously ousted by the character Neo from The Matrix. However, the recent release of a Direct-to-Video Final Fantasy movie has breathed new life to this phenomena.

To this day, variants of the name Sephiroth remain an effective means of trolling without saying a single word. Adding AOL-friendly decorations, leetspeak substitutions, or any cool sounding word to the name can instantly raise alarm in any online community. Examples include xxoSEPHIROTHoxx, S3phir0th, and Sephiroth_Prime respectively.

Potentially Better Villains

* Adolf Hitler
* Alex Chiu
* Your mom
* Giant_dildo_of_death
* The Wrath of an angry God
* anything
* Goatse

So I repeat...I hate you sephiroth...so very very much.





-Delta-Species-
Community Member
  • [12/20/07 07:41pm]
  • [12/20/07 07:38pm]
  • [12/20/07 07:36pm]

  • User Comments: [1] [add]
    The Exoteric
    Community Member
    avatar
    commentCommented on: Fri Jun 13, 2008 @ 02:28am
    massive lolz. very funny!


    -A Rebel Through and Through-
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