A bus full of ugly people crashes and everyone dies. Upon entering heavan, St. Peter says to them, "since your deaths were so traumatic, you can all have one wish before entering heaven." They all stand in a line and the first one says "I wish i was beautiful" and in a flash he was. The man at the back of the line smiles, the second person makes the same wish and it is granted, and the man at the back begins to giggle. When the second to last guy in line wishes to be beautiful like the other 30 people before before him, the last man rolls around on the floor in hysterics. When he finally calms down St Peter asks him "What is your wish?" The man replies, "To make them all ugly again."
There are three men and they're really hungry, when all of a sudden they come across this forest that says "Kings forest, do not enter, you will be punished." But the men can see all the fruits inside so they decide to ignore the sign and sneak in. The king catches them and says, "I'm going to kill you unless you can do 2 things." All the men eagerly say yes. "The first thing you have to do" says the king, "is go get 10 pieces of fruit and bring them back." The first guy comes back with 10 apples, the king says "ok you have to shove all 10 apples up your butt without making an expression on your face." He gets 3 up his butt but then makes an "eh" sound. So the king kills him. the second guy comes back with 10 berries, "Ok, you have to shove all 10 berries up your butt without making an expression on your face." He gets 8 up his butt, but then starts to laugh. so the king kills him. The first guy and the second guy are up in heaven. The first guys says "You almost had all 8 berries up your butt. Why'd you start laughing?" The second guys says "Isaw the third guy coming with pineapples"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!
Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" Sarah explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license; they'll throw us in jail...bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed...with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That's nothing . We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man,and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man,and have both of them looking for work in two weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.
Psychiatric Hotline Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!" The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!" The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. “I am the strongest, most powerful man here,” he boasted. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, John had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.” “You’re on old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.” John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said “All right. Get in.”
Professions Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist." The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker." They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? " She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuc*, Etc."
Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
okay so little johnny's cat dies and when they find it his egs are all sticking straight up. Horrified at this sight he looks at his father and says " Daddy why does he look like that" grasping for something to ease his son's pain he says " his legs are up like that so that its easier for God to pick him up and take him to heaven." The next day the father comes home and Johnny runs up to him and screams " Daddy daddy, mom almost died today. She was laying an her back with all her legs in the air yelling 'Jesus I'm coming!' Its a good thing the mailman was holding her down or she would've gone straight to heaven!
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser." To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells. "Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!"
Osama Bin Ladin himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the president know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single cryptic line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H. Bush was totally baffled, so he copied it at once to Condi Rice, the FBI, CIA, the NSA… Reply: “Tell the President he’s holding the message upside down.”
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Man who whiz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have crappy time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have a** in jam.
Baseball wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate -- come in handy.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet p***y.
Virgin like balloon -- one p***k, all gone.
It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs...
And the wife rolls over and plays dead.
Why did the squirrel fall out the tree? It was dead. Why did the second squirrel fall out the tree? It was attached to the first one. Why did the third squirrel fall out the tree? it thought it was a game. Why did the tree fall over? It thought it was a squirrel
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty
girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.
How much does it cost?"
"O nly one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,
the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old
man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" ; laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure, said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure! replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work
cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome,
extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could
not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare
and walked directly toward her. (As men will.) Before she could offer her
apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything,
absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for
$20.00......on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.The man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and
then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into
the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said........
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren´t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he´s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That´s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
"Clean my house."
I would like to write about whatever comes to my mind (pardon my spelling!) I want to be a writer when I'm older and write books about werewolves, vampires, other worlds and so on...