xiao_tenshi
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how i have been
well let me just say this:
my parent situation is still the same

and my bf situation hasn't really gotten any better but he's somewhat trying.
like always not much communication, mostly because of me. I just don't want to listen to someone sleep on the line for now. Plus we don't really have much to say to each other than the same things. His work and my daily boring life. I miss him everyday, and every time, but what can you do right?
He's gone back to school, and so have i.
I really try to be supportive by making sure his work and school comes first. I try really hard not to complain about him not taking time off for me. But sometimes he does, out of a blue moon and it does surprise me a bit.

oh and there was one time he said that i wasn't being supportive of him. I for one was shocked that he can even say that.
i found that unfair that he thought i wasn't, but i didn't say anything.
Really didn't want to start an argument.
what's the point. I'm always in the wrong.
Mind as well end it right away saying i'm wrong than making a whole scene and still end up being wrong.
--sigh--
you know what i think? i think he's not being supportive to me.
But what do i know right?

i cry a lot.
sometimes on the phone with him, but most of the time alone.
why? well ever felts sooooo hurt you just had to cry because you know for a fact you can't do anything about it? well that's why i cry.

i think i try to make him buy me things so i can be much closer to him.
you know replace him with a object he's given me.
i don't know if it's true but i think i do that subconsciously.
i find myself adoring the gift he has given me. But an object cannot love you back or hold you in it's arms and tell you how much you mean to it.
I long for a day for him to say that, but i know it won't happen :3
i'm just dreaming :3 i'm full of dreams.
I think we all know that i am mean ...and mostly because i am. I treat my bf sometimes really horribly. Only because i'm upset with him, i either cried the night before or i know for a fact that i'm not going to get attention. what do i mean by it? well he comes over saying he's visiting but falls asleep wherever is convenient with him and he considers it spending time together. I prefer him going home and not even bothering to come over. Why? well it makes me feel like s**t he does that. I feel rotten and i hate it. Don't come over just to sleep, if i wanted that i'd say so.
We don't live together so i get nagged at by my mom. Saying i'm very inconsiderate for telling him to come over. Which i never did.
Makes me quite angry and sometimes the only way to get him out is to kick him out.
he gets angry about it, but what can i do. Sometimes i just can't take the fact that i can't sleep until i kick him out. I wish he was considerate at times and think about how i feel about it. I would rather him be awake and enjoying our time together instead him being exhausted all the time.
I'd appreciate the thought but i rather not have it. I would rather see him on a sunday or monday, his days off, where i can actually spend time with him without being angry with him still from a few days before.

i think the latest most upsetting incident would have to be the disney trip.
I called him up saying we should go to disney, but he kept giving me excuses and i became upset. I literally told him to stop giving me excuses and just tell me that he didn't want to go. I wanted him to stop beating around the dang bush.
So the line went quiet and well i was very upset. When we hung up the phone i was in tears. I told my best friend and i cried. not for long, cause i won't let myself cry for long...well at least i try.
But the next day he woke me up saying we were going to disney.
It really did brighten my day.
And oh how wonderful and magical the day was.
I felt like a spoiled princess. I loved that day and i wished it had never ended.
But you must always wake up.
The trip reminded me of how much i love him.
and i think if he left me and didnt' want to be with me anymore and just left one day and never returned.
I'd still sit by the door and wait for him to come home, even though i knew he wasn't going to walk through the door. I'd still cook his portion of the food even though i knew it wasn't going to be eaten.
that's how much i love him, but it also sounds chaotic XP.

we plan to move in together pretty soon.
i haven't told my mom yet.
my best friend and cousin knows about this, but i don't know if i can bear to tell my mom it.
i want out but i want to do it right.
and i'm completly stressing out about it.
I can't move in with my bf without getting married, my mom would have a heart attack. My mom is a pain in the butt but i still love her death as well.
i'm torn two ways and i don't know what to do.
I'm afraid to move in with my bf and i'm afraid of losing my mom.
i think lately this has been rattling my nerves and stressing me out.
Like life thinking takes lots of time.
And i have three months to think this out, but i think i'm avoiding it.
i have lots more to say.
But i'm tired and it's late
so i'm going to bed.
like i said i'm just venting and letting it out.
It helps.
I'm not looking for suggestions or sympathy.
i just need to let it out.