Perverted Naruto story... found on a forum... lol
Sakura: Nice video camera you have there Hinata.
Hinata: Hey, thanks, Sakura. Give me a hand. I'm gonna film something for Naruto's birthday.
Sakura: Oh, like a special Happy Birthday message?
Hinata: Actually, I was thinking we could have a three way with him, and film it. You in, or should I go ask Ino?
Sakura: Sure, I'll do it, but can we invite Ino anyway?
Hinata: Well, I do love a good fourgy...
Kakashi. Visene did nothing for my sharingan. Gets the red out, my a**.
Kakashi: I think I'll leave Sasuke alone today, and help Naruto with his training.
Naruto: We're missing something very important. Wasn't I supposed to get a birthday fourgy?
Itachi: When I say, "Buy me a puppy, or I'll kill all of you," I mean it.
Naruto: Okay, stop. This is just stupid. I'm supposed to be a ninja. Steathy killer. So, I wear the loudest orange jumpsuit I can find, yell my damn fool head off, announce every move just before I make it. Oh, and three words: Shiny. Metal. Forehead. How the HELL is that stealthy?
Shikamaru: Hey, Shino. Let me get a dime bag. (well, that could actually happen)
Jiraya: Hey, Naruto, can I ask you for a favor?
Naruto: Sure, what's up?
Jiraya: Look, I'm a little ashamed of it, so I'm only ever going to say this once. I want a simple yes or no answer. Then, we never talk about it again. To anyone. Ever. Not Sakura. Not Sasuke. Not Kakashi. Got it?
Naruto: Uh, okay, I guess.
Jiraya. I will teach you three new Jounin-level ninjutsus in exchange for twenty minutes with the harem jutsu. Deal?
Naruto: Three ninjutsus and one genjutsu.
Jiraya: Done.
Naruto: Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!
Narutos: Transform!
Guy:Look, Kakashi. All I'm saying is, you get to make up your own technique, and the thing you come up with is sticking a finger up another man's rear? Sounds like someone has some repressed issues.
Kakashi: They're not repressed at all. You know, I really like how that vest looks on you, Guy.
Guy: Sorry, pal. barking up the wrong tree.
Sakura: Hey, Lee. You know, I really admire your determination. Your strength of character really stands out. You want to go get a bite to eat some time?
Lee: I am saving myself for someone a little more... Never mind.
Sakura: A little more what? You can tell me.
Lee: Clean. A little more clean.
Sakura: Clean!? What the hell do you mean, clean?!
Lee: Look, I heard about the fourgy. Naruto's been passing out copies of the tape to anyone who wants one. Though I must admit, I am jealous of your flexibility, Sakura.
Naruto: I must work hard every day. I must train until i drop. I must follow my dream, thinking only of my goal. Only this way, will I become the next American Idol.
Kurenai: I'm... wearing... toilet paper!
Shikamaru: Hey, Asuma, let me get a drag off of that?
Asuma: Well, um, it's... it's not tobacco.
Shikamaru: I know. And it's puff puff pass, you bogart.
Asuma: You mean, this whole time, you've known? But, how?
Shikamaru: I buy from Shino, too, man. By the way, stay away from Kiba's supply, he lets Akamaru do weird things to it.
Asuma: So, is that why Chouji's always eating, all the time?
Shikamaru: No, he's just a fatass.
Tenten: Ninja weapons are cool, but I should probably learn to use a ninjutsu. I am supposed to be a ninja. Any jerk could carry a scroll aound. Hell, even Naruto can make a small army of clones of himself, and he's half retarted. All I can do is whip out my handy scroll. I don't even really throw the weapons. They just appear. And if I ever lost that scroll, I'd be useless. Geez, I really suck.
GammaBunta: Jiraya sure was tasty. Wonder what flavor Naruto is.
The Sound Four: So, either our village really sucks, or the Leaf Village is some scary new kind of badass. The four of us got tooled by Genin. We're friggin Jounin. Elite guards of our village, personally assigned by Orochimaru. And one of us was taken out by friggin Chouji, of all people. Neji I can understand, but Chouji? Jesus.
Lee: Guy-sensei! I hereby renounce you as my trainer!
Guy: What? Why? Was it something i did? Some thing I said?
Lee: No, it is this silly haircut you force me to get. My hair was way cooler before I became your student. I even had a chance to get laid! But now, I look like you, Konoha's own 40-year-old-virgin!
Guy: Are you kidding!? I get more action off the battlefield than on it. Why just this morning, I was helping Kurenai put her toilet paper wrapback on and...
Lee: Seriously!?
Guy: Of course. And she suggested we call up Hinata. She said she heard something about a camera, and Sakura's flexibility.
Lee: ***stunned silence***
And here I thought I'd get booted for this stuff. Well, you asked for it:
Water Style Snake-Ram-Hare
Mega's Perverted Story Jutsu:
Ino: There, you are, Shino. I have been looking all over for you!
Shino... And?
Ino: Well, you can control bugs, right?
Shino: Yeah.
Ino: Any kind of bug? Or just certain kinds of bugs? Or, is it just your own special bugs? If you can conrtol any bug at all, that would be really cool!
Shino: Yeah. Almost any bug.
Ino: Hey, that's great! Super cool! Wouldn't expect any less from the great Aburame clan!
Shino: Why are you fidgeting?
Ino: Well, you see, I have this problem. Can you keep a secret? What am i saying? Of course you can, you almost never speak anyway.
Shino...
Look, I have ... lice. Yeah, lice. I need you to get rid of them for me. Can you do that?
Shino: Maybe.
Ino: That's great! Give it a shot, and we'll just keep this between us, ok?
Shino: I tried. There are no lice bugs on your head. Never were.
Ino: (looking embarassed)Ok, look. It's not lice, exactly. Well, it is, but not head lice. See, we were making this birthday present for naruto, and I think I caught something from Sakura...
Shino: Wait... you mean... crabs!?
Ino: Can you help me or not?
Shino: It's gonna cost you. Big time.
Ino: Just name your price. And promise you'll keep quiet.
Shino: Make Kiba stop selling his weed on my streets. It's my turf. Always was, always will be. Enforce that for me.
Ino: Consider it done. Now, get these little critters off my cooch! They itch like all get-out!
Sakura: Hey, Naruto, how was your birthday?
Naruto: It was awesome! To think, the first birthday I have that everyone doesn't miss, and I get a fourgy! With video proof, to boot!
Sakura:Yeah, I didn't miss your birthday this year, that's for sure.
Naruto: Oh, yeah, is your leg feeling any better? You're not quite as flexible as you think.
Sakura: That's fine, thanks. But, speaking of missing things, I missed something since your birthday.
Naruto: What, lose a kunai somewhere during the fun? I know I lost a few items in umm... dark caverns.
Sakura: No, not like that, something more important. A monthly event.
Naruto: What, did the full moon fall on my birthday or something?
Sakura: No, I missed, I missed my period, Naruto.
Naruto: So, buy another one.
Sakura: You idiot! I t means I'm pregnant!
Naruto: Ack! Seriously! That's what that means? Well, when did that happen?
Sakura: What do youmean? It happened at your liitle birthday "party."
Naruto: So, you're saying I'm the father?
Sakura: Yes, Naruto. We're going to have a baby.
Naruto: Hold it right there, sister. I ain't paying a damn dime of child support until Maury says "Naruto, you are the father!" I've heard about you!
Sakura: What is that supposed to mean?
Naruto: Don't play coy with me, honey! I heard all about you hitting on Lee. And Kakashi. Shino. Kiba, Chouji, Shikamaru, Guy, Asuma, And even (ugh) Orochimaru.
Sakura: Well, I'll see you on Maury, then, you deadbeat.
Naruto: That kid ain't mine! Believe it!
Deidara: Hey, Sasori-sama. You've been in Akatsuki longer than i have. Can I ask you a question?
Sasori: Make it fast. i hate waiting.
Deidara: Yeah, i know. You keep saying that. Seriously, get over it, man. Anyway, what's up with the black cloaks with the red clouds on them? I understand art and all, but these seem a little... foofy.
Sasori: Oh yeah, that. Well, originally, Akatsuki was something completely different.
Deidara: So, the red clouds have nothing to do with the Jinchuuriki? I thought so. What are they for, anyway?
Sasori: Originally, Akatsuki was just me, Orochimaru, Itachi, and the leader. We were a...
Deidara:Yeah? A What?
Sasori: A Beatles cover band. But then, Kabuto came along, and went all Yoko on Orochimaru. "Tickled his snake" just right, get me? So, the band broke up, we got bored, and started torturing and killing twelve-year-olds.
Deidara: Wow, that's a hell of a gear shift. What brought that about?
Sasori: We got some bad weed from this Kiba kid. Got the idea in our heads, and it just stuck.
Kiba: Hey, Ino. You here to help me make some sales?
Ino: Actually, I'm here to stop you. Completely. With force if I must.
Kiba: Ah, Shino sent you did he?
Pakkun: Hey, Kakashi, we need to talk.
Kakashi: Yeah, what is it?
Pakkun: Well, I know you signed the scroll with us, making a deal for the summoning jutsu. I get that. It's cool, you earned the right.
Kakashi.Okay...
Pakkun: And we're sworn to help you fight for the rest of your life, no matter what.
Kakashi: Yeah, that's my understanding of it.
Pakkun: But, you've kind of been abusing the situation a bit.
Kakashi: How do you mean?
Pakkun: Don't play innocent with me. If i have to tell that cute little poodle to "keep warm" for me one more night just because you're too lazy to get your own paper, the deal is off. And I am not fetching your slippers until you learn to wash your feet. Did you see how i have to carry those things? I don't even have a toothbrush.
Kakashi: Okay, i see your point. Can we still play fetch in the park?
Pakkun: Fetch? I love fetch! Oh boy! Where's the stick! You got the stick? Throw the stick!
Kakashi: Stupid dog.
Kakashi: Hey, Kurenai, I was wondering if you'd like to help me train a bit.
Kurenai: Oh, wow. The legendary Hatake Kakashi, asking me to help him train. Sure, I'll help out. What do you need, Sharingan practice?
Kakashi: No, nothing like that. i just want to work on one of my jutsu.
Kurenai: Oh, I see. Which one, Chidori? Or maybe the Water Dragon? That one sounds cool, but I've never seen it myself.
Kakashi: Actually, i was wondering if you'll let me practice the "1000 Years" Jutsu on you.
Kurenai: Oh, I don't do that sort of thing anymore, honey. There was a time i would have loved a good poking, but now that I'm with Guy, It's just me and him. And Hinata. Sometimes Sakura. And Ino.
Kakashi: My rival defeats me once again...
Shiizune: Honorable Hokage, here's your mail for today.
Tsunade: All right. Lets see what we've got... Hey, I could already be a winner!
Shiizune: Not another stupid contest...
Tsunade: You know I love to win stuff!
Shiizune: How would you know, it's never happened before.
Tsunade: Whatever. Hey, a letter from the Department of Labor. Wonder what they want. (opens letter) What the Hell!
Shiizune: What!? What's wrong?
Tsunade: "It has come to our attention that you have been illegally using child labor in your endeavors and using those children to perform inordinately dangerous tasks. A full investigation will ensue posthaste."
Shiizune: That sounds awful!"
Tsunade: Of course it's dangerous, they're friggin ninjas! And I guess twelve years old is a little young to send someone to their potential death, but it's not like we don't train them, or anything. We even give them weapons.
Shiizune: You might not want to say it quite like that at the hearing.
Tsunade: Whatever. let's see what's next. Hey, the NAACP. (opens letter) Jesus! Again!?
Shiizune: Now what is it?
Tsunade: "This letter is to inform you that it has come to our attention that your workplace is not ethnically diverse enough. To remedy this situation, please use affirmative action to increase the diversity."
Shiizune: But everyone in the academy is from Konoha, and you can't really control who lives here and who doesn't.
Tsunade: Look, we'll just have to make it look like we're trying. And anyway, if there's one profession you don't want affirmative action bringing down the average scores, it's ninja work!
Shiizune: That sounds a little... racist. Might not want to say that at the hearing, either.
Tsunade: Screw you. Ugh, I'm stressed. Here's 20 bucks. Go get the usual from Shino. And if you try subbing Kiba's lower-quality stuff one more time, I'll be needing a new assistant.
Shiizune: Yes, Hokage.
Tsunade: And send Sakura in here. Her flexibility will be useful.
Ino: Wow, you really know your competition. yeah, Shino sent me.
Kiba. That's not how I know. He's been telling everyone.
Ino: Telling them what?
Kiba: That you caught crabs from Sakura during Naruto's birthday fourgy, and he cured you.
Ino: Are you serious!?
Kiba: Yup. Honestly, I've never seen the guy so chatty. He's even giving away bootleg copies of the video to everyone who buys weight.
Ino: That b*****d! I'll kill him! He promised he wouldn't tell if I made you stop selling! Argh!
Kiba: So, you want to help me undercut his business?
Ino: Damn straight! Run him right out of Konoha!
Sakura: Excuse me, Honorable Hokage, I heard you wanted to see me?
Tsunade: (hides a pipe) Oh, uh, yeah, just in time. Heh, heh, heh.
Sakura: Actually, I needed to speak to you. I have this little problem, you see.
Tsunade:Here, take this. It'll get those little critters right off. Works for me every time.
Sakura:What? Oh, no, not that. I've learned to live with my VD. But, I want your help with something. It seems I'm pregnant.
Tsunade: Oh, wow. That... sucks. You're like, what, thirteen? Crazy. I'm in my... Well, I'm older than you, still, no kids. Didn't use protection, huh? Heat of the moment kind of thing?
Sakura: I can't remember, I'll have to check the tapes...
Tsunade: Tapes? You mean you filmed...? Never mind, what was your question?
Sakura:I was wondering if you think I should raise this kid, or give him or her up for adoption.
Tsunade: A keeper, or a giveaway, huh? Well, there's always the third option, you know...
Sakura: Um, what do you mean?
Tsunade: You know, the old "Wire Coat-Hanger Jutsu!"
Sakura: But... I couldn't... I would never...!
Tsunade: Oh, it's not such a big deal. Even tickles a little if you ask me. Why Don't I call Shiizune in here, and we'll get that started. She's a pro...
Sakura: Actually, i think I'll go talk to someone else, thanks.
Deidara: Hmmm.
Sasori: Hey, Deidara, what's on TV today?
Deidara: Hmmm. Nothing good. Hmmm.
Sasori: If that's the case, do you mind if we watch my favorite show, "The Muppets?"
Deidara:Hmmm. I hate muppets. Hmmm. They scare me. Hmmm.
Sasori: Look, I'm only gonna say this once. What's with the "Hmmm" all the time. Do you think it makes you sound cool?
Deidara: It makes me sound thoughtful and intellectual.
Sasori: Actually, you just sound constipated.
Deidara: Up yours, puppet-boy.
Sasori: Another thing, what's with the little mouths on your hands? I've heard of going blind, which I see you have in one eye, and hairy palms, but how often does it take to grow little mouths on your palms? Once a day? Twice? Even more?
Deidara: Hmmm. I've had enough of you. Like I need to take this from a guy who lives inside of a puppet. Mr. "I'm too good to wait for others... I don't like making others wait..." no one cares.
Sasori: Watch it, you, or you'll get intimately acquainted with this kunai. Shove it where it don't belong, soak you with the garden hose, lock you in the freezer. Make myself a blond moron-flavored popsicle.
Shikamaru:So, the usual place, then?
Choji:Nah, I'm kind of sick of barbecue. Let's try that new place today!
Shikamaru: You mean Subway of Konoha? It's just a lousy sanwich shop. What a pain.
Sakura: Welcome to Subway, how can I help... Oh, it's you guys.
Choji: I'll have three of everything. Extra pickles.
Shikamaru: What are you doing, working here? being a ninja not working out? The Fifth a bit stingy with her apprentice?
Sakura: No, it's not that, it's just... Ever since naruto's birthday, I've been preparing for a bigger expense.
Shikamaru: What, you gonna buy him something nice next year or something?
Sakura: Huh? No, see... it's well, it's..
Shikamaru: Forget it. Too much of a drag to ask.
Ino: Bwahahahaha! Hey, sandwich artist! Paint me a BLT?
Sakura: Shut up, Ino!
Choji: Hey, never make fun of people who prepare food! It is the most sacred of duties on this planet!
Ino: Whatever.
Shikamaru: She's right, man. No matter what they tell you, it's not art. just put the tomato on the stupid sandwich.
Random Customer: Hey, Da Vinci, you think I could catch you in your some god damned service period here?
Shikamaru: Just pick up tomato, put on sandwich. Not a pain at all.
Ino: Hey, can I trade my chips for two cookies, or is that substitution jutsu a little too high-level for you?
Random Customer: Wait, you're a ninja, too? Wow. How about this, honey. Mustard, no mayo, pickles, lettuce, and take it easy on the exploding tags, okay there Cold-cut-kage?
Shikamaru: Wow, that was a little harsh, actually.
Choji: I bet she's the fastest Sandwich artist in this here town.
Ino: Yeah, then some salami slinging south paw sandwich idiot savant takes the title one day, gets a rock opera written about him. **sings** "That left hand tard kid sure makes a mean meatball..."
Shikamaru: Okay, that was just stupid.
Random Customer: You work for the Hokage? Well, I work for mister in a big hurry, so slap some ham on that bad boy, and send him down the line like he was your last "mission" of the night. I'm a busy man, go go go!
Sakura: Hey, I'm fast!
Ino: We've heard.
Choji: Oooh, burn.
Random Customer: Look, sweetie. Unless "Bunshin no Jutsu" is code for "I need more pickles out here," you best be getting back to work. Believe it.
Shikamaru: Wait a sec, is that you, Naruto?
Random Customer: Who, me? Uh, noo, I'm not Naruto... believe it. I'm just some guy, trying to buy a sandwich. Believe it.
Choji: Look, even I figured out it's you, and I'm busy with this here turkey and swiss. Give it up, man.
Ino: Wow Naruto, that's mean. Considering this is your fault, and all.
Naruto: What do you mean?
Ino: You know, she's working here to make extra cash to buy stuff for someone...
Naruto:But my birthday came and went. I even got a fourgy!
Shikamaru: We know, stop bragging!
Ino: You idiot! She's saving up for when she has your love child, moron.
Naruto: I still say that little brat ain't mine! Believe it!
Sakura: You guys all suck, I hate all of you!
Shikamaru: Maybe we were a tad cruel.
Choji: Shut up and eat a sandwich. Makes it all better. makes the sadness go away...
Naruto: Oooooookay...
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