Phew well I got in but it was very close Almost didn't take me, I guess it wouldn't be any accomplishment done by me if it wasn't some absurd dramatic 'Within an inch of my life' affair.
Although I was elated at the time and even made a little cheer of joy I actually don't feel all that much better in the long run.
I suppose it didn't change as much as I hoped.
I'm still the unapproachable prior socially. This is made more evident by the way family members are acting now all randomly contacting me when I've not spoken to them in years. And there are alot of awkward silences. Alot of friends confirmed I am pretty expressionless, I have. Eccentric/Stare & Surprise/Smirk
I oddly hate my body more than ever, I suppose it's because more people have been commenting on me now and it makes you self conscious. People keep saying "oh you could look alot better if you tried" But thing it no I can't... It's impossible for me to make me look how I want to be. Disproportioned, Wrong Shape, Wrong type.
And my innate despondency and mistrust makes me unwilling to listen to anyones suggestions on "what I would look good like" I'm convinced they will turn me into a Humunculis of themselfs or just mangle me intentionally and I will want to die for feeling so betrayed... I have my reasons for these feelings Really negative and resentful, so I won't address them where.
And although I got into university I still feel insecure about my abilities partly because I only got in as an exceptional circumstance "They liked my interview" and "You have other A-levels to compensate for the missing Maths"
Oh God I just need to shutup and be happy I've won gained lots of stuff and I'm doing ok even if I didn't get there through conventional means the ends are ultimately all the same regardless of the means. So no need to be so meek in face of not failing.
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