Maybe it is the fact that I alone expect too much of the world ahead of me. Maybe I believe that sometimes I deserve more than what it gives me at times. Maybe that is why my mind plays tricks on me. Maybe maybe maybe. It's all about maybe. And possibilities. Why it cannot be as simple as explaining to me why these things occur, is beyond me. ******** if I know why people do the things they do. ******** if I know why I feel an untrusting bond with where I am in my life. ******** if I know the intention of every soul I have encountered with in my lifetime. To neglect everything I have ever known and place my trust into what I do not comprehend, leaves me standing with questions....undesirable questions, with a hope of certainty that I will come across the most desired of answers. People are people, that is what they are, that is all they will ever will be. It is natural to think you are different, but are you? Night after night do you not see yourself as something unique in this world? That nothing could possibly happen to you, because you believe you have purpose in this world? That whatever put you here, has a damn good reason for it, and killing you would have made this existence pointless?
Well ********, I'll admit to it. Every day, I know I will survive....however it does not drown my natural fear of death. Because I am not completely sure of the reality of which has been placed before me.
When death feels close, I tell myself that if I am going to die, then it is my time. But...what would be the intention of it? Thus I seem to ignore everything I know, and perceive life to be nothing more than a waste of time, where death comes nothing less than the greatest gift a man could ever have.
Out of the confusion of what has happened in my life, all I can assume, is that I will never make sense of why people do the things they do, or what purpose we all have in our life. Our identities remain hidden from us throughout our entire lives as we struggle through the torment that others put us through.
(Why would others do that, think.....why would you treat someone with disrespect? If they did everything for you.....thought about you day and night....dreamt about you....would give up their entire life for you....their natural rights of a human on this planet for you.....why would you want to hurt them....isolate them into thoughts of fear and cowardice of social encounters? Would you not care for them back? would you not help them in their quest to achieve what they want...instead of what you want? People, as much as you think they are, are exactly like you and I. We all have needs....and desires. However some choose to sacrifice their desires and happiness for others....and to them I give nothing more than a hope of good luck, for the majority of people on this planet, use them nothing more than just a tool for their pleasures)
There will always be a greater good in our world, but it is the object of manipulation that binds the very essence of greatness into nothing more but than a simple item that is kept from providing true justice and peace througout our world. It causes the mind to alter its filter into things unimaginable....its perspective of life will change dramtically. Sometimes in ways of good, but many times it is used to trap souls into an infinite loop of despair and torment, as the other end feeds off the hope and happiness that they drain from their victim. It can change our views and opinions about something, as well as our actions we are obligated to be repsonsible for, or even the actions for others as well.
Some can see past manipulation, to find it a confusing struggle to a simple subject of trust....whether or not they are lying to you for their own benefit, for yours, or even telling the truth. Some decide, through pressures of words, to fall for it anyway, or confront them, taking a risk....and others decide not to care and in fact present them with a puzzling response.
I am not fit for writing....so what is a few words from you local dictionary going to do but add meaning to a sentence. I am not fit for teaching. I am not fit for understanding. Nor am I fit for this precious gift of life. However I graciously accpet these terms, and abide to my life through hope that one day it will become clear to me. One day I will know why others hurt others. Why I must see the things I do. Why I must witness what I do. In time...I must allow patience to fill my veins....and to be overcome by a sense of selflessness.
I will not change. I will not change because of the hatred of this world. I swear on my life I will never change, no matter how horrid things get. My gifts will be the only happiness I will have. I will not stop sacrificing my life for others, for it is something I learned just recently....and I realize that this may be my purpose, and as difficult it is, to watch your desires pass by you....the end will be justified by the actions of kind efforts for the happiness of others. It is a hard task to be selfless...yet the more you do it...the easier it is to see why you do it.
It's alot easier to talk on here, since I noticed not too many people read my gaia journal, which is kind of nice. I like to say things, but not under the stress of knowing someone will be reading it within seconds, because of the damn myspace subscriptions xD....i know they are on here too....but I don't know who is subscribed....no one hopefully, haha then this journal will never be read for a while...and I like that. If there are, I know it won't be many....my thoughts are meaningless...no matter how many times people say they aren't. It's a natural repsonse to try and comfort someone when they degrade themselves....but I think in my own head for a reason. They are mine.
Even if I do search endlessly for someone I can relate to....someone who expresses these same things......but deeper than just "not caring" or "dealing with the problems"....you know? It's sometimes nice knowing that you're not alone in the world....but I guess sometimes you just have to deal with the cards you are dealt with heh....oh well.
I am so tired....literally tired....I'm going to bed....
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