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Some days I get confused, other days I can't make up my mind
I guess I had a lot, and I do mean a lot, to think about for 2 weeks. I would always have trouble sleeping and I have pulled allnighters 2 times now. The latest I would sleep is at 3 or 4 in the morning. Then once I go to bed I end up crying over things that I do think about. I have been crying alot for 2 weeks as well. Which is why my name goes with me for some reason. I don't feel that I am unstable, I guess my heart is talking to me and telling me to do something that I am going to regret for a looooooong time and hurt me as well. But I don't know what that other person would think. I mean he has changed I guess for the better or something. I know he tells me to move on and I really try to but I feel like part of my heart or me is missing something. My mind is the one who is getting mixed feelings about what I, I guess, need to do. I continue to have dreams that come out of nowhere along with powerful dreams that mean something. It's not that I don't get the meaning of them, it's just that I'm afraid they will happen. I have begun to be afraid of somethings too. I'm even afraid of myself. Why? Well when I have started to abuse myself by cutting and creating bruises on my arms and legs. I hate when I get myself to buy armbands or gloves all the time, just to hide my scars. My parents know nothing of this just yet but I do not have the heart to tell them because I don't know where to start. I feel like I have no one else to turn to or who to turn to. I still feel that I need help physically and emotionally but I do not want to end up in a hospital. I also feel like my teenage life is catching up to me, which is why I feel the way I am now. I have learned nothing back then so I guess I am learning something now. I feel horrible that all this is happening to me. I could also be close to losing some friends(including a best friend) that I care about and I do not want that. I don't know what to expect in my life because I have gone back to being a normal woman. Well, I guess I will see what happens.
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