Here I stand, hiding behind my mask of a smiling face, hiding my sorrows…
Here I stand… broken… shattered to a million pieces.
I go and try my damnedest to escape from this God-forsaken world, but there is no escape, so I lock myself away…
As the cold steel slices through my skin and the warm, crimson liquid… my blood… runs down my arms to drip off my fingers, I feel no pain, only a numb coldness as the knife I hold in my hand cuts into my flesh again and again…
I hide this from you, behind my smiling mask…
I know that you’ll not understand. You say you love me, but do you really? Wouldn’t you try to find me when I disappear for however long it is when I go off to cut? Apparently not… so I add another crimson line to the rest, now all blurred together.
I’ve had many brushes with death when I’ve gone too far… Then, only then, do I have the misfortune of someone coming across me, someone freaking out and trying to stop my life from flowing out on the dirty ground beneath me. I always awaken from those times in a different, though ultimately the same, pristine white room with the noxious smells of disinfectants of every sort.
I hate it here.
You always know, then, what I’ve done and I can’t run from you now, oh no… I lay there and listen to you yell at me and I don’t even try to make you understand.
You never have, have you?
When I don’t go too far, I only stop when I feel about to pass out, only then do I stop my bleeding, clean myself up, and don my mask, as though nothing has happened. Nothing at all. And I lose yet another piece of myself.
I don’t know why I do it, it just seems right… Maybe I just have to take off my mask once in a while… Though when I do, I know you’d never love me as I am, underneath this beautiful mask… If you were ever to see my shattered existence, you would be horrified… and leave. So I continue to keep myself to myself, the only other that would see me as I am would be my blade. My cruel blade… My sanctuary.
I can just let go and retreat to the confines of my own twisted psyche… The one no one has seen… And no one ever would.
You would hate me if you saw, I hate me as I am, so how could you love such a monster?
And so, here I stand for you. Shattered. Broken. And though I am here, hiding behind my smiling mask, more of me keeps falling away… And you’ll never know to help me pull myself back together.
· Mon May 14, 2007 @ 11:32pm · 0 Comments