|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 8:39 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 3:57 pm
 |
|
|
 |
His fingers were digging into his arms, almost hard enough to bruise but not quite.
Nictor was far too keyed up, everything jumbling and scrambling for attention but he didn’t know what to do. He was relieved to be back on ground but it didn’t seem to calm him. Well it did but it didn’t? He wasn’t sure how to describe it, but he was okay for now and so were his friends but some part of him couldn’t relax or unwind because this was hardly the last of it.
He really didn’t want to think about that right now. Not the going back out there part.
Nictor whined under his breath when the noises the fighting had made came unbidden to his mind. It ebbed away quick enough, but left him feeling wrung out and unsteady. He wanted, he wanted to sit down, he wanted to hide, he wanted to get away.
So he was taking turns down hallways, feeling the prickling unease of being lost but he couldn’t find it in himself to care or worry, he wanted to lose what was in his head, if just for a second. The jittery nerves hadn’t gone away, the noise was making him jumpier, and the barracks had trolls in it and he couldn’t relax. He didn’t know if he’d be able to relax at all but he was pretty sure the bustle everywhere was making it worse.
He had been wandering for a while, steering away from the military only areas, aimlessly following one hall to the next. He was finally starting to register the worry of getting lost in a military base where he could get in trouble for being in the wrong place when he emerged into the common space. Ah. Huh. What?
Nictor’s expression scrunched for a second and he glanced behind himself.
He really thought he was more lost than this but okay then.
Nictor pressed his lips in a line, tensing as he turned back around. There weren’t too many trolls hanging around, but he still felt unsettled, still felt like he wanted to hide just by seeing them. But he wanted to hide from his own thoughts as well. He didn’t know what to do and was sort of grasping at anything he thought might help.
Nictor blinked a few times, distracted slightly from his own conflicting thoughts by a familiar figure hovering by a nearby window. Someone he’d felt a wrenching fear for just a few hours earlier, had felt his thinkpan fritz and his body react because she was going to get hurt-
But it was fine because there she was. At least Polair was okay.
At least, he hoped? She didn’t seem too happy back on the ship, he really wasn’t sure what to think about that. He was just trying to help, but somehow that upset her? Nictor didn’t mean for that to happen but he couldn’t even stop himself or think about it, he just reacted. Should he apologize again? There was this quailing sort of feeling at having been admonished, like he messed up but he just wasn’t sure what exactly he did wrong.
There was a gross twisting feeling as he debated approaching her, the anxiety and shame for apparently messing up almost baking him back out except that she was staring out the window. Polair was blind, he knew this. What was she doing? Was she okay? She was just standing there and thinking about the sheer panic that overwhelmed him earlier made him want to check that she was okay but what to do?
It took a few minutes of tentative steps, idling, backpedaling, and eventual steeling of his nerves to approach.
“Ahh, P-Polair?” He started hesitantly, still trying to parse what he was gonna ask. He really didn’t expect to get this far oh wow what if she was still irritated with him and actually didn’t want to be bothered what if that was why she was staring out the window he messed up oh no-
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 6:22 pm
|
|
|
|
Polair was lost in thought as she stood there still, trying oh so hard to pretend she was fine when she was not. She was furious with herself and jealous that the friends who shared her interest got to see the glory of space without her. Hell, she didn't even know if they all got on a ship together and did gog who knew what up there while clearing the ship! There, too, after a fit of temper, Polair tried to keep her emotions under wrap and went her to find comfort and to hide her hot face as she fought.
"They're surely talking about it." She mumbled bitterly.
And it hurt, because they were her friends and they knew and still... She hadn't even talked to Cerpin or Tevini, they hadn't bothered to talk to her. Why? She didn't have a clue. Honestly, if it weren't for Mahmud, she wouldn't have known they were there. The highblood placed her hands on the cold glass, trying to imagine what scenery laid before her, but failed to do so. Her memories of the visual world were starting to fade and that made her question everything. Her memories grew dimmer and dimmer with each passing night, sounded surreal--
seemed more like a nightmare to her. But even as she gradually got used to the darkness that surrounded her and to the point that she had forgot that it had ever been different, it still affected her. This made Polar so angry at times that she kicked and screamed untilI she was exhausted. Hadn't she done that in her quarters?
Her eyes, her eyes, her dreaded blind eyes! How she hated them. Yet she deserved them. Once she heard Nictor's voice, Polair got pushed out of her own negative thoughts and back to reality. Though she did get startled, making her slam both hands against the glassy surface.
"What?" She snapped, unintentionally to be honest. The yellowblood had caught her in a bad mood-- twice in fact. She took a deep breath in, and let it out before turning back.
"You startled me." Polair crossed her arms as she tried to figure out where Nictor was standing. "Do you need something from me?"
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Dec 22, 2017 12:29 am
|
|
|
|
Nictor jolted at the abrupt response, straightening and sucking in a nervous breath. That was not a tone of nicety or welcome. There was no warmth there, just an impersonal pin p***k edge that Nictor had heard many times before. Often it was exhausted and irritable store clerks, someone snapping to watch where you’re going, higher bloods forced to share the same space with Nictor as they did their shopping in the market. It was not an unfamiliar sound at all.
This had been a bad idea.
She was still upset at him.
He should leave. Quickly. Before he was well and truly caught but it was too late, she was turning around and he tensed reflexively, to be put under scrutiny from a troll he’d managed to gain the ire of but then she overshot a little, was turned just a little too far to the right. Still, the sentiment remained, the crossed arms, the the standoffish tone. Did he need something? No, not, not exactly?
A sickening feeling twisted inside him at the notion, at being the source of this unpleasant mood. It left him wanting to leave as quickly as possible and yet, yet he didn’t want to go like this. Not that that meant much. He didn’t want to be a source of trouble or irritation for Polair, but it seemed it was a little late for that. He should leave before he irritated her further, but she’d asked him a question. He should at least try to answer.
“I-I uh, n-no,” Nictor stuttered automatically, the response slipping out before he could think about it. Was that more or less likely to get him released faster? Would it be worse that he bothered her for nothing or a relief that he was going to go away? It just seemed the quickest way out. But as much as the clamoring worry of getting on a seadweller’s nerves, or any higher blood cast really, simmered and perked its head up at signs of trouble, it wasn’t the biggest reason for concern here. He knew Polair, at least enough that he’d like to say they were friends? Could be? Maybe? He liked her at least. Polair had helped him and sat and stargazed with him and then she was blind and upset and maybe that made some sense.
The idea of leaving someone he liked when they were upset left a bad taste in his mouth, an itch under his skin.
“I mean, ah-” Just like the first reaction wasn’t particularly thought through, neither was the second. It was a slight problem.
But his eyes darted from Polair’s unseeing visage to the window, worried that she’d somehow think he wasn’t paying attention to her, worried he’d annoy her further with his waffling, but he was trying to gather his thoughts and what he wanted to say, how to deal with the opening he just made. Polair has been facing the window, staring sightlessly at nothing, looking where she couldn’t see. Those stars she couldn’t take in or trace anymore, would never be able to with her own two eyes. That same aching sadness pulled itself to the forefront of his thoughts. Soft starlight shone through the window, lighting the side of her face and hair, gleaming on glossy black bangs that curled deceptively over here eyes. Nictor hummed slightly, trying to find the words he wanted to say, thought it would be okay to say.
It didn’t make sense to stare out a window for Polair. She gained nothing from it but a sad reminder of that which she couldn’t have or appreciate. Sights she could never see, things that now eluded her grasp like smoke. Fleeting and fading and never able to touch or hold.
She couldn’t see the stars anymore.
The moment stretched, the sad feeling growing heavier and heavier until it outweighed the anxiety that held his tongue just enough to set free something.
“I j-just w----anted to ask i-if you w-were, uhm, okay? I...I guess,” he intoned softly. Was that a stupid question? It felt like it but he wasn’t sure how else to broach the subject, especially when she was still frustrated with him, didn’t want to talk to him, so why was he dragging this out. “I’m, uh, s-sorry a-again. Ab----out before. I d-didn't m-mean to ups---et you. I. I-I j-just. Uhm.” Okay maybe it wasn’t the smartest to bring this up, that would just remind her why she was upset with him? It felt like he was losing his hold on his own thoughts, trying to hold too much as once and he reached to scrub a hand over his face. This was a bit much even for him. He could offer to leave, he could back out, he could, he could feel the works tugging the edges of his lips, and yet, yet he still didn’t want to. He was worried.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Dec 28, 2017 1:30 pm
|
|
|
|
Polair was patient, not being bothered by Nictor's stuttering or the out stretched silence. He needed time to put together his thoughts and she was willing to give him time. He just wanted to apologize and know if she was okay. She wasn't at all. If she spoke, she would tell him the truth: she was not okay at all, but horribly empty, now that she knew what it was like to be filled. The highblood bit down the inside of her cheeks and turned to the window again.
"Everything was okay tonight." She said bitterly, tapping the glass for a few seconds with a sigh. "I mean, I spent the night pretending I'm okay when I'm not, pretending I'm happy when I'm not, pretending about everything to everyone. Glub, I've learned to get really good at this you know- say one thing when I'm thinking about something else, act like I'm calm and happy when I'm really freaking out. It's one of the skills you perfect as you get older.” She crossed her arms, giving them a little squeeze as if to reassure herself that things would get better. “It's been so long, I don't remember what okay feels like.” Polair muttered.
She went silent, thinking about his apology. She wasn't angry at him anymore but at herself. The fact that he still had that in mind made her skin crawl. She couldn't imagine the expression on his face when she told him to stay out of her way... "Don't take it personally Nictor, I was... I'm sick and tired of trolls trying to help me out. I'm sorry if I was rude about it but... Lately I'm not sure if I getting tired of that or the fact that my exhaustion comes from trying to be stronger than I feel. I can accept the fact that you'd want to protect me up there, however, the thought of you getting hurt because of me is unacceptable. You have your life ahead of you, your plans and dreams... Mine got shattered before time, forcing me to abandon what could have been my purpose in life."
The night sky was so blue, yet Polair couldn’t look at it. That made her sad, swelling tears in the seadweller's eyes and they dripped quietly on the floor as she kept staring out the window. The highblood did her best to keep the sobs to herself, making her throat hurt. No matter what she has done these few sweeps or attempt to do could change the situation. "I'm sorry I..." She wiped her eyes furiously. "I shouldn't even be here." For the first time Polair Rision wanted to weep. I want to be comforted. I’m so tired of being strong. I want to be foolish and frightened for once. Just for a small while, that’s all …a night… an hour... She thought. One day, she promised herself as stood in front of a beautiful night sky view, one day she would allow herself to be less than strong. But not today. It could not be today.
Taki-di thank you for your patience o uo/
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
