[PRP] Course Of Habit (Rodney + Lawrence)

[Baneful]

Lawrence flinched subtly, closing his eyes at the comment he'd had less energy and that as he was he was a liability. He was just tired and found himself napping randomly through the day. Butch told him it was because he was helping him. He found it a relief in some ways, waking up and feeling rested for a little while before the distressed lack of resolution once again preoccupied his mind. Limbo was no place for him, a man of natural black and whites, yes and no, have and do not haves. And yet in the face of it all he refused to compromise on one singular thing, he would not get rid of Melvin, he wouldn't change this, he'd do anything else that was asked of him, but this house was Melvin's too.

He shrugged his shoulders. "Perhaps it is generally better if people don't rely on me."

 

[Toshihiko Two]

Rodney looked sad at that.

"No it's...not all on you. I've...been here a long time, now. And I'm...not any stronger. I should- be able to h-help."  

[Baneful]

"It's fine. You shouldn't need to fight." Rodney was fine the way he was, a pacifist and someone who not only disliked fighting but was mortally afraid of it. "You are strong in other ways."

Lawrence just didn't have the energy to get upset about anything much, before he might have been a little bit irate that so much was always on his shoulders in this relationship but right now it didn't matter. He reached for the most familiar thing he had and tried to use it. Distraction was a handy weapon to have.

"I was going to try a new recipe tonight to see if you like it." he said

 

[Toshihiko Two]

"What...about you, though?" Rodney asked. "Is...there anything you'd like?"  

[Baneful]

Lawrence froze up as if he'd hit an error and changed tact almost immediately. "I'll think of something later on I'm sure." he said vaguely.

 

[Toshihiko Two]

"Lawrence, if...things stay the way they are, you'll die." Rodney said.
"We...have to be able to talk- and- be honest with each other about this, too."  

[Baneful]

Looking away again, avoidant but trying his best to comply he nodded. "I want to, but I don't know how to even talk about it. I'm not sure why I do it other than there is a certain pleasure from it, from seeing the slow effect it has, from feeling thinner and therefore younger, even if it doesn't actually make me that way."

He sighed. "I suppose some part of me feels like it is a statement of my devotion to you too, which is why it is difficult to stop. Initially it was a statement of how I felt when I wasn't with you, less and less and less. It's just that now even with you here I still feel that way because I did this to you. It feels like how I imagine guilt might I suppose, an atonement in some ways."

"I don't know how to fix any of this, and the idea of simply going back to eating as much as I want, of indulging in such a carnal satisfaction feels dissonant and wrong. It feels like giving up control and that by going back, becoming resplendent, glorious and powerful that you would trust me less than when I am humbled."

 

[Toshihiko Two]

Rodney leaned over to give Lawrence's cheek a soft kiss, and rest his head on Lawrence's shoulder.

"You're handsome. You don't need to be younger. I'd...like to be able to get older together."

It wasn't something Rodney counted on. There were more gravestones than hunters.

"If...you'd like to start slow, that would be alright. Just- eating with me. It...it would help. If you were um, h-healing, with me. Rather than...punishing yourself, for me."  

[Baneful]

The small man leaned against Rodney himself, the tiredness bone deep and difficult to ignore.

"That would be fine with me." he said with a slow exhalation. "Small." And then quieter. "You need to stay with me afterwards as well though." Because he didn't trust himself at all.

 

[Toshihiko Two]

"You...need an accountability partner?" Rodney said, turning over Lawrence's hand and gently tracing his palm. "I'll stay."

Anxiety seized Rodney's stomach.

"Just...just don't- resent me, for it. I...don't want to be someone that's in the way."  

[Baneful]

"You are only in the way of truly tragic and terrible things, and in the end, why is that a bad place to be? Angels have barred the way before, and it was always for a reason."

"I won't turn that on you ever again."
 

[Toshihiko Two]

It meant a lot for Rodney to hear. He had trouble keeping what scraps of confidence he had. Not that Lawrence had confided in him that he was frustrated, but that he had told him he was in the way of what he wanted, and that...he thought they had talked, and were both working together on it. Then that Lawrence had...pushed him aside and taken it.

"O-okay," Rodney said, but he sounded shy and pleased. "How are you feeling now, are you...dizzy at all?"  

[Baneful]

Lawrence shook his head. "Not right now, if I stand I will be though, I guarantee that much. I'm fine so long as I take my time."

Which when he thought about it wasn't exactly an ideal way to exist. "The hardest part is always starting to eat normally again. I get nauseous at this point thinking about anything other than water."

 

[Toshihiko Two]

"We'll...both eat lightly, tonight," Rodney said, feeling Lawrence's forehead and brushing back his hair, "Mikael was worried about you, too."  

[Baneful]

Lawrence nodded. "Then it is a start. Mending wounds with time."

"I had a feeling he would be." Lawrence said with a shallow sigh about Mikael. "I miss having him around honestly, he's always very positive, no matter what happens."