PRP] On The Market (Melvin/Jordan)

[prolixity]

"I don't have them every night, but often enough. And I happen to know they're shared." Jordan gave Melvin a flat stare. "It makes it harder to let things go. And if I was considering dating, I'd have to find someone who wouldn't feel weird about that. Or omit explaining and have a very loaded secret to keep."  

[MoonKitsune]

"So you think what happens in your dream would be like cheating? Like it means anything? A lot of people have been through other selves. Other realities. I have a book that does just that. But I know outside of it, this is real and what happens there isn't anything. It's a lie."

He continued to look at Jordan. "I know about it though. I'm there too sometimes. I've seen you around. Talked." And he leaned in. "You wouldn't need to keep it a secret from me."  

[prolixity]

Jordan shrugged, trying to ignore the twisting in his stomach. "You're asking me for honesty here, so I'll tell you the truth; I want it to mean something. Maybe I'm deluding myself." You'd know about deluding yourself. He wasn't looking for an argument, and that would be an attack. He kept it to himself, put the mostly-uneaten sandwich down, dragged one hand across his eyes before he met Melvin's gaze again.

The suggestion made his eyes widen slightly, and he studied Melvin seriously without saying anything, weighing what was being offered against the muddy turmoil of emotions in his own mind. He was tired of being lonely, tired of the ever-present low ache of missing people, tired of resisting the pull of the urge to be touched, to be held by somebody.

What did he have to lose? The answer to that question was easy: if Rep learned that he'd gone to someone else, he'd lose what was left of that relationship, strained and awkward as it was. That was the question that this revolved around: was it worth it, worth the lonely ache and the holes in his life, to hold onto a friendship he didn't trust himself not to ruin?

He'd denied himself closeness for over a year again. It was relatively easy to ignore other possibilities, easy to not pick up on a potential fling when it was up to him to start something; there were a couple of people he knew who he suspected wouldn't turn him down. But he hadn't offered, and maybe he'd been avoiding examining his motives for it. Having someone extend the suggestion had forced him to think about it directly.

Ferros said nothing, but the dragon felt faintly guilty; Jordan knew why, and wordlessly reassured his weapon that he wasn't suspecting him of trying to influence the decision. They shared a brush of gentle affection, and Ferros withdrew again, letting Jordan turn over his own thoughts.

He hadn't said anything for several seconds, rather too long. "I'm not ready to date again," he said, aware that this was a stalling tactic more than a real answer.  

[MoonKitsune]

Melvin did not hesitate. "Why is that? What is holding you back? You are lonely. It's been what? A year now? Longer? Has there been changes since then that would keep you from being with someone?"

If Jordan wanted to take the easy way out, it wouldn't be in a conversation with Melvin. He was curious.  

[prolixity]

"Would you really want to be with someone, fully aware you were their fallback option? The second choice, only picked up because the first choice wasn't available?" Jordan asked. "Even aside the question of whether it's fair to do that to myself, I don't feel it's fair to do that to someone else."  

[MoonKitsune]

"Well, let's look at it. If someone is your second choice, then are you waiting for the first choice to change their mind and would the first choice want you after being with someone?" He set his head on his hand and looked over at him.

"Rep is a very jealous person. He flipped out when I was on the couch at your place. If you are hoping to be with him again, then has something happened that makes you think it will happen? The island changes people. It makes people think and do things, so yeah, anything can happen. But are you going to forever just wait around for someone who isn't lonely because they have company? It's s**t being with someone and be forced out. I know that. To think you have something and then see them go off locked in marriage. It pulls the carpet under you, and I spent a while hoping it could change. It's not. I don't know how it is with you and Rep, but I know the feeling. That deep pit of feeling no one else is gonna match and if you do step forward, it will be away from what you were happy with."

He leaned back a bit. "Would you tell him? Would you say you found someone to hold you over while you waited for him?"  

[prolixity]

"A fair point." Jordan sighed and looked down into his coffee cup. "A fair question. I don't know if I hope it can change." He laughed, a small sound without any humor in it. "It complicates things that he's jealous enough that that'd be the end of any remaining friendship, either. So no, I guess I wouldn't tell him; but neither do I particularly trust that it wouldn't come out somehow anyway. You know how things get around. There's always someone to inconveniently witness something."  

[MoonKitsune]

"He shouldn't guard you like a dog backing you into a corner. A real friend wouldn't do that. No wonder you'd feel lonely. Even if you tried, there would be repercussions. He isn't dating you, yet he attacks anyone who makes a move. Have you talked to him about stopping that behavior or do you like being his prized procession even if he is just putting you on a shelf to gather dust?"

He picked up his coffee, taking a sip.
 

[prolixity]

"Are you sure you want the answer to that question?" Jordan asked dryly. "No, I haven't told him to stop." Would he listen, if I did? How much is it worth? He gave Melvin a steady, even look. "I have two choices. Hold off, and not ruin what's left of my friendship with a man I still love, or decide I'm done and look for a relationship, and cut that tie. Only the first choice is reversible."  

[MoonKitsune]

He sighed. "I just want you to be happy, Jordan. You're not happy, but I don't know what you'd be if you decided to move on either. It's not my choice. I do know if I ever did anything with you, Rep would have my throat, and I could't be his friend any longer, but you are my friend too."

He looked away as he took another sip of his coffee. "And I do like you for what it's worth." And yet he had to frown. "But who knows if I could be a Forever anymore."  

[prolixity]

"You're my friend, and I enjoy your company," Jordan said. "I appreciate the concern, honestly." A small, wry smile. "Most people let me get away with fine." He took a sip of coffee and waited for the knot in his stomach to unravel itself. It felt like it might take some time. "Don't know if I can do casual, anyway, so there's that."

He gave Melvin a thoughtful look. "Sounds like things have been less than satisfactory for you, too."  

[MoonKitsune]

Melvin pressed his lips into a strained smile. "Is it my turn to say I'm fine?"

He leaned back. "Lawr decided marriage was something he wanted to try again after ******** up. Rodney is back in the house too. Just a wonderful little household where I helped build the house and yet get to be the floating friend and ex. A nice novelty." He sipped his coffee. "Sometimes I wish I was crazy enough to push someone off a cliff and be fine with the idea of their body smashed on the rocks."

Then, after a long pause, he looked up from his cup. "I'm not by the way."  

[prolixity]

"Ouch." Jordan winced at the description of the current state of things. "Definitely sounds less than satisfactory. Not particularly fair." Although fair generally didn't cover Lawrence's tactics, and Jordan suspected that the situation might not last, judging by previous instances, Melvin seemed to be trying to honor the relationship choices for now, and Jordan could respect that.

"I didn't think you were. You're not that crazy," he said lightly.  

[MoonKitsune]

"So I'm back out there again. I can't even say what I'm looking for at the moment...........just that I want something." He went quiet as he drank his coffee before pausing and looking up.

"We should do something together on leave. For fun. We never hang out off island..........if you want."  

[prolixity]

"Are you moving on? Or are you waiting?" Jordan asked, watching Melvin's face. Maybe Melvin didn't know, either. Or maybe he did.

"That sounds nice. I could use a bit of a vacation, probably," he said, and sighed again.