I think I may be conflicted about my trans identity.

[DeliriousInnovations]

Trying to get to the heart of my struggles has been difficult. I've had a lot of history to deal with and a lot of social crap to work through. I've gone to a therapist for about five years now and am taking new challenges that I feel REALLY awesome about; taking an acting class, music class, and undergoing hypnosis/meditation practices. I feel like I'm challenging myself in new ways.

BUT, as I've observed, my gender situation remains the same. I've tried to put it on the backburner and just let it breath for a couple years, because I realized that thinking about it all the time and trying to 'figure it out' was just getting me entangled in this awful mess of thoughts. Since, I've adopted the term genderqueer and I quite like it, it allows me to be who I am, which isn't particularly either of the binary genders.

However, I've still felt a masculine leaning. Being biologically female, I've always questioned WHY it is that I have always leaned more on the masculine side. Since I was a child, I was always a man in make-believe games. In my day dreams, such was also the case. As I grew older, make-believe turned into excessive writing and role-playing, and I always wrote my mains as male characters.

It is particularly bothering me because it's been at least 4 years since I've sort of decided to explore my gender. This last two years have been more relaxed, because as I said, excessively thinking about it wasn't getting me anywhere.

I'm at the point (again) where I may want to take hormones, but I have a lot of thoughts around that. I think the main one is: Do I subconsciously feel like being trans is wrong?

I am excruciatingly aware of my privilege, to the point that sometimes it makes me feel like a shitty person. I don't mean to gloat, but I am a genuinely nice person. I don't like making people feel burdened by my presence, I don't seek attention (even in some instances that I SHOULD for the sake of self esteem and a social life) and have had a need to help and assist others since I can remember. Living in California, in one of the most expensive places in the state, (though mom and dad had to work their asses to get there, but thats another story) makes me feel like s**t, because I just am always aware how fortunate I am and how others suffer.

THE POINT IS: I am aware that I've got a ton of social privilege.
For some reason, being trans* makes me feel like I'm just throwing money at an insecurity.

Please don't judge me. This is a subconscious process that I WISH wasn't there, because it's greatly limiting me and my understanding of not only myself, but about one of the communities I care most about.

Has anyone had these thoughts? Has anyone had these thoughts thrown at them, and how have you dealt with these? How did YOU come to the conclusion that hormones was the way to go?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and hopefully respond.
This is driving me OFF THE WALL.  

[Skreemer]

I guess I should start by asking if an influx of SJW stuff in your online life has left you feeling like you are. I am aware that privilege sort of is a thing. But it really doesn't matter that much in the scheme of things. If you have the means to do something you feel is important to your life, it's only natural to use them. And lets face it, even if you were throwing money at the quandary, that's better than throwing drugs at it.  

[DeliriousInnovations]

Skreemer

I guess I should start by asking if an influx of SJW stuff in your online life has left you feeling like you are. I am aware that privilege sort of is a thing. But it really doesn't matter that much in the scheme of things. If you have the means to do something you feel is important to your life, it's only natural to use them. And lets face it, even if you were throwing money at the quandary, that's better than throwing drugs at it.

Nah, I've always been kind of like this since I was young. I grew up poor so I was always very aware of privilege. By nature, (as I'm an INFP on the Myers-Briggs personality type) I tend to like to see all perspectives before having an opinion. I guess you can say I'm indecisive lol.

Thank you for your input. I suppose if it does help me, there's no reason I shouldn’t if I have the means to. I guess the core of all of this is probably that... in my family history people have defined themselves by their sickness and developed a martyr complex. I may fear that this is one of those things.  

[RQuestions]

DeliriousInnovations

Trying to get to the heart of my struggles has been difficult. I've had a lot of history to deal with and a lot of social crap to work through. I've gone to a therapist for about five years now and am taking new challenges that I feel REALLY awesome about; taking an acting class, music class, and undergoing hypnosis/meditation practices. I feel like I'm challenging myself in new ways.

BUT, as I've observed, my gender situation remains the same. I've tried to put it on the backburner and just let it breath for a couple years, because I realized that thinking about it all the time and trying to 'figure it out' was just getting me entangled in this awful mess of thoughts. Since, I've adopted the term genderqueer and I quite like it, it allows me to be who I am, which isn't particularly either of the binary genders.

However, I've still felt a masculine leaning. Being biologically female, I've always questioned WHY it is that I have always leaned more on the masculine side. Since I was a child, I was always a man in make-believe games. In my day dreams, such was also the case. As I grew older, make-believe turned into excessive writing and role-playing, and I always wrote my mains as male characters.

It is particularly bothering me because it's been at least 4 years since I've sort of decided to explore my gender. This last two years have been more relaxed, because as I said, excessively thinking about it wasn't getting me anywhere.

I'm at the point (again) where I may want to take hormones, but I have a lot of thoughts around that. I think the main one is: Do I subconsciously feel like being trans is wrong?

I am excruciatingly aware of my privilege, to the point that sometimes it makes me feel like a shitty person. I don't mean to gloat, but I am a genuinely nice person. I don't like making people feel burdened by my presence, I don't seek attention (even in some instances that I SHOULD for the sake of self esteem and a social life) and have had a need to help and assist others since I can remember. Living in California, in one of the most expensive places in the state, (though mom and dad had to work their asses to get there, but thats another story) makes me feel like s**t, because I just am always aware how fortunate I am and how others suffer.

THE POINT IS: I am aware that I've got a ton of social privilege.
For some reason, being trans* makes me feel like I'm just throwing money at an insecurity.

Please don't judge me. This is a subconscious process that I WISH wasn't there, because it's greatly limiting me and my understanding of not only myself, but about one of the communities I care most about.

Has anyone had these thoughts? Has anyone had these thoughts thrown at them, and how have you dealt with these? How did YOU come to the conclusion that hormones was the way to go?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and hopefully respond.
This is driving me OFF THE WALL.

Hi this is a bit late but I saw a lot of myself in this post and I am in a much more secure place with my gender right now (trans male, going to go to therapy for hormones when the waiting list is finally down to my name).
First of, congratulations to taking on those challenges!
I came across the term transgender with an explanation in about the same link diving process that later gave me non binary identities. I had some trouble with saying I was trans at first, because I was just a masculine girl, right? RIGHT?? No. The dysphoria, both social and physical, wasn't just normal teen identity crisis. So I identified as non binary, and tried to find a label that fit. I couldn't. Accepting the fact that I was not female was like losing a weight of my shoulders, but it took another year before I realised that I was male. The way I realised that I wasn't non binary but actually a man was because I looked to the future and I saw a male version of me.

The privilege thing, I get that too, because I was born in The Netherlands (on topic, it is said the Netherlands has the best trans health care of the world, so yeah go me?). My parents weren't that well of, but I still felt (and feel, sort of) a guilt for any fancy or expensive thing I got. Sometimes even hand me downs from my sisters that were in really good condition.

Being insecure and having dysphoria isn't the same. Let me reiterate being insecure and having dysphoria is not the same

Also, lots of non binary people take hormones, either on lower doses or until they have hit a milestone. Getting hormones is not just for binary trans people.
If you think hormones would help for you than I would get them. See it like this, if you had some incurable disease and would need medicine to make it more bearable, you would take them. Hormones aren't a luxury, or just a fad or something, they are a way to medically treat what is wrong with your body. That the thing that's wrong with your body isn't also (in itself because suicide/depression is definitely a thing for trans folk) lethal doesn't make it not wrong, that just makes it not lethal.