[DRP] Never Have I Found - Paige x Cee

[bipolar bee]

escape

She'd stopped texting Cee. It had made sense when Zeke suggested it, and so Paige's texts to the tiny brunette had dwindled.

It was only happenstance that she came across Cee in the hallway on the way to the showers - and Paige was stepping in front of the other woman before she could stop herself.

"Cee."  

[iloveyouDIE]

escape

Cee's glance up was sluggish but whatever the expected reaction, her placid smile remained. "Wassup girl?"

It was a greeting given to pretty much anyone, not a friend, not someone intimate.

Her mood could maintain so long as the interaction was civil and brief, but even the sight of Paige twinged in her chest and the dreaded, painful feeling expanded by the second. Who knew how long until her facade cracked under the pressure.

pinchmonster

 

[bipolar bee]

escape

Wassup girl??

Paige's brows furrowed. She could smell the weed, the booze. She knew Cee well enough to see past that smile.

"Cee. I been trying to.. are you okay?"

iloveyouDIE

 

[iloveyouDIE]

escape

"Yeah I'm good.." Her placid face twitched, but the dead smile remained.

She moved like she was going to walk past.

pinchmonster

 

[bipolar bee]

escape

Paige moved when Cee did, effectively blocking the woman's path.

"Why? I mean, where have you been? What happened? Why.. I don't understand, why? Can you tell me, what did I do wrong? Why didn't you text me back, or let me see you, or --"

She forced herself to stop.  

[iloveyouDIE]

escape

With each question the mask visibly slipped until her mouth had curled downward and twisted in displeasure. Her hand flattened to the door behind her, her own dorm a sweet escape if need be.

"I been here.." Her voice had a sneer in it, a belligerent refusal to answer for her self. "I been working. You ain't do nothin wrong. Jesus christ." Each answer raised her volume. Her blood began to pound audibly in her own ears.

She could take this inside or she could do this in the hall.

Cee stayed.

pinchmonster

 

[bipolar bee]

escape

"Then what the ******** the deal? We go out, have a great vacation and come home and alla sudden you aren't talking to me any more. If everything's so peachy keen, Cee, the ******** is going on?"

Paige kept her voice pleading, soft, low and almost gentle. She sounded hurt, but she didn't sound furious about it. She sounded confused.

iloveyouDIE

 

[iloveyouDIE]

escape

"Yeah we hadda good time. So?" Cee's hand found the knob behind her.

"What the <********>?! I gotta get interrogated fer everything ******** thing now?" The arguments were meaningless, shallow and pedantic and non commital about her feelings. They were base reactions, never delving and only lashing out.

"I thought we was cool." Cee was flippant. "Gimme ******** air. Do yer own thing." Her voice had plateaued in volume as a slightly accused and attention grabbing level. There was a momentary tremor, a tremble of something in her voice, as she hissed the words.

She choked it down.

Cee had some sort of roiling, bubbling scream burning away at her insides, but she fled from it. She quashed the only bit of real emotion she felt.

Behind her she cracked her dorm door back open to flee.

pinchmonster

 

[bipolar bee]

escape

Paige froze.

Part of her had realized that this would eventually happen. She'd known. It didn't make it hurt any less. It didn't make her feel any better. She wasn't the kind of girl that Cee wanted for the long term, and that had to be okay - and maybe eventually it would be. Cee had pieces of her that she'd never given anyone else - those late night parts of her that had been only hers to shoulder had been shaved down and made manageable only because Cee had forced her to share them. And Paige had been thankful, but she'd always figured that something like this would happen, because Paige was good old ******** Paige and there was nothing exciting or daring or good enough to keep the attention of a woman like Cee.

"I don't want to do my own thing," the words were small and quiet and out before Paige could stop them, and she hated herself for saying them because it wasn't giving Cee air and it wasn't being cool and as much as Paige wanted and needed to do what Cee asked of her, she couldn't. She was panicking, her hands shaking, and she was standing on the edge of a fathomless hole that felt impassable and Cee was on the other side and Paige wanted to tell Cee that they were cool.

But they weren't.

The door cracked behind Cee and Paige took a step forward, her hands reaching for Cee's -- we're cool, we're cool, we're cool -- and the sound that the tall blonde made was nearly inhuman.

"I'm sorry," was all she could force out, quiet and trembling. Her voice cracked and her eyes were wet, still bruised-looking from the time she'd spent alone in her dorm sobbing over the loss of her best friend. "I'm sorry."

iloveyouDIE

 

[iloveyouDIE]

escape

No no no no

Seeing Paige shaking, swollen eyed and on the verge of tears further cracked her. Her indefinable inner tumult just continued to chisel away and she wanted very much to just grab the woman, pull her inside, and just tell her to forget it and to shut up and it was fine.

But when her hand snaked out, warm and electric against Paige's, she gripped (so hopeful for a moment, so needy) and then pushed away.

"Just.." Cee's argument weakened and her angered expression shifted to something more pained. She looked hurt, somehow (by herself only), "gimme some ******** air fer a sec!"

It was a shriek, a cracking howling statement, that had Cee retreating backwards. The whoosh of her door brought all the sweet pleasant smells from her room, but the slam behind her was simple rejection when she disappeared inside.

The handle was locked, her body audibly thrown back against the door on the other side. If Paige cared to listen, Cee was there panting in exertion, struggling with whatever was happening inside of her, right on the other side of the wood.

"Just ********.." She muttered, loud enough to hear, "just ******** gimme a break fer a while.."

For a while. For a second.

Do your own thing.

For a while.

After a few minutes there was another ragged howl from the room, but she didn't care who heard.

The door would stay locked until she was sure Paige was gone.

pinchmonster

 

[bipolar bee]

Paige was in absolute shock. She didn't know what to do, didn't know how the fix it. Didn't know if it could be fixed. She watched Cee's expression change, saw that brittle veneer of emotion crack, saw the pain and couldn't help but wonder if she'd caused it.

When the door closed, Paige stood fast. When she heard the scream, she stayed at the door. It wasn't until silence reigned that she slipped her hand up to rest flat against her door - and only then did she leave. She walked back to her room, very calmly closed the door, and then climbed into bed.

And then she messaged Zeke.