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 Posted: Fri Aug 21, 2015 10:00 pm
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Contented, warm and relaxed, the Faun Seer curled into her mate as the weariness of the day settled over her. She was exhausted, but at least more at peace than when she'd first returned home. There were still troubles to be addressed, but that could wait for another day. Tonight, she'd allow herself some selfishness.
She'd run her fingers through her hair to detangle it, letting it dry as it would. It was only with conscious effort that she ever reminded herself to be worried about physical appearances anyway. Bedhead would be Future Morning Vanya's problem. For now, she rested her head on Takis' chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart, the calm, deep breaths as she started to drift off...
Yet sleep continued to elude her. Something was nagging at her. Or was it something nagging at Takis? Feeling his light touch at her hip, she nuzzled his neck and cooed, "Is something the matter, Takis?"
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Posted: Sun Nov 08, 2015 6:37 pm
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The question hadn't been anything she'd been expecting. Vanya was completely silent for some time after Takis asked, trying to figure out how to answer. It wasn't just that she didn't know how to answer, as in how to phrase the answer...but that she didn't know what the answer really was.
Had she ever thought about children? Of course, at some point, that question is going to come up, sure. Some instance in the Tree with another Faun's little ones, a stray thought about her own childhood...
Yes, she'd thought about children and the possibility of having them.
And the thought terrified her.
Okay, maybe the problem was in how to phrase her answer.
Granted, the phrasing of the question was innocent enough. A harmless inquiry and nothing more in itself. True; in itself. However, it likely led to something else. After all, why bring it up? It weren't as if the subject had raised itself in their room, the two of them alone and enjoying only one another's company. What other direction could the conversation take?
Finally, she simply answered quietly, "...I...have." Yes, she'd thought about the possibility...but her hesitation and reluctance were clear in the way she'd answered.
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Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2015 11:54 am
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Takis counted the agonizing minutes that it took Vanya to answer. Great, he thought. This length of time means either she hasn't thought about it at all, like the idea never occurred to her, or she has and she's trying to figure out how to tell me I'm crazy for even thinking about it. I'm only a mortal male! he thought. I can't help that I'm thinking about the future! What legacy I'll leave behind! Not to mention all the daydreams he'd been having about him and Vanya, the picture of domestic bliss, married properly and her with a rounded belly...
"...I....have."
Now he wished he hadn't brought it up at all. Her voice was strained, like the thought was strenuous to even entertain. Children couldn't be that bad, could they? He'd been rambunctious in his youth, and incredibly awkward as a young buck, but he'd come out all right! Both of them had! They had important duties to the Tree and were respected by their community!
Takis bit his bottom lip as he tried to decide how to respond. He didn't want to backpedal, as he was the one who'd brought it up and it wouldn't do to try and drop it now that it was in the air. He wrinkled his nose. He'd been hoping they might share an intimate moment tonight. That seemed unlikely now. Vanya felt tense in his arms.
"I'm not suggesting we have them right now, of course," he said finally, trying to keep a smile in his voice. "I just thought...that it might do to talk about it before we're married, is all." He kissed her head. "We don't have to tonight, though, if you think it should wait."
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Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2015 4:08 pm
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Vanya didn't need to be a Seer to feel the disappointment radiating from her mate. She swallowed hard, curling into herself and feeling withdrawn, despite the physical closeness. Two words, and she felt she'd brought the evening crashing down around them.
Of course, that's what he wanted to speak about. Of course he wanted children. She should have known that. She'd been so wrapped up in her duties as a Seer...she had forgotten about her duties as a wife. Or wife-to-be. Oh spirits...if she didn't want...would Takis think her a horrible wife? She just...didn't want...there was too much risk. But, what would he think of her? She felt awful just thinking about it.
"I...I'm sorry..." she managed in a voice barely above a whisper. "Just...I don't know..." No, she couldn't say that this wasn't the time. With everything going on between the Faun and the Naiad, the strange activities of the Blood Pae...no, he said not now. She couldn't question the timing. And what he said about wanting to discuss this before getting married...
Oh Spirits...if he knew she didn't want to have children...would he change his mind about marrying her, knowing what a horrible wife she'd make? Likely a horrible mother too, even if she could take the risk...
"...do you...think it would be a good idea?" It was as close as she dare get to voicing her true fears.
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Posted: Thu Dec 03, 2015 11:54 am
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Takis was in full-on comfort mode now. He gently rubbed her skin where his hands touched her and kissed her head. Anything to make her feel better. He'd drop the subject entirely, but that would make her feel even worse. No, better to resolve it as quickly and smoothly as possible. He'd bring it up again when she was more ready to talk about it.
Still, the idea that she didn't want children...it made him sad at the little edges of his consciousness. Somehow he'd always just assumed that that would be how it'd go. He knew that her position as Seer made her incredibly busy and emotionally drained, but she knew that he would do most of the work of childrearing, didn't she? His work was physically taxing, and sometimes magically taxing as well, but he would find some apprentices to do most of his busywork and he could devote that time and energy to the children. She knew that, didn't she?
Sometimes he wished he could read her as easily as she could read him.
"My father says you have to be crazy to willingly have children," he joked, chuckling softly and giving her a little squeeze. "But I think we'll make fine parents. You might even enjoy it," he teased. He just wanted to make her smile.
He nuzzled her neck. "Don't be sorry for feeling how you feel, love. I didn't mean for this to be a whole thing. I just wanted to talk about it, see how we feel before we're married and everyone expects us to start making babies." His mother had already been making noises about grandbabies. And since Terran wasn't exactly with anyone... "We can talk about it again later," he reassured her.
"And we can always practice," he joked bawdily, nipping at her ear and giving her a little goose. Hopefully he'd make her laugh and not get himself swatted. He'd take both, though.
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Posted: Wed Feb 03, 2016 3:06 pm
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Takis' attempts to soothe her weren't having intended, usual effect. Perhaps, if he just understood her real concern...but he seemed to think she was worried about raising children. That wasn't the issue. In general, she was okay with kids...mostly. She supposed, if he'd put it forth that they could adopt instead...but she got the feeling he wanted children of their own, from the two of them. And that was what she was afraid of.
Feeling tears pricking the corners of her eyes, Vanya tried to keep her face lowered so that her mate wouldn't see. "Takis, I...I mean...do you think that us...having children is a good idea?" Her voice was soft and faltered, but did not break. "Would it be a good idea that I...have children? What if...what if the poor things turn out...like me?" There it was, her real fear out in the open. Her face burned with shame and she curled in further trying to hide.
Life hadn't been easy for her for a long time. Long before she had taken on the mantle of Seer. Back when she'd first started coming into her powers...powers she never asked for and took years for her to learn how to control and subdue. She'd been isolated, afraid of herself and what she might do. She never wanted to hurt anyone...but what if she did? Even by accident, the guilt would be smothering...
She didn't want that passed on. She couldn't risk passing that pain onto another, let alone any possible children to come from her. It was a burden and a curse and nothing more. And what of her new abilities as Seer? The horrors and dangers she faced from the spirit world. Could that also affect them? If not directly, then through her own actions and behavior? She couldn't subject them to that. It wasn't worth the risk. It was her burden and no one else should have to face that.
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Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 3:27 pm
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Ah.
Takis fell silent for a moment, tucking his cheek against the top of her head. He would never have guessed that this was her concern. Still, now that she'd raised it...it was as valid a concern as any. He'd seen her chaos powers when they were children, but so rarely since then that he'd almost forgotten about it. To him, her power was the Sight that the Tree had gifted her.
What to say to soothe her anxiety? Of course there was the chance that their children would inherit aspects of her powers, but it was just as likely that they'd inherit his. But that wouldn't make her feel any better.
"Vanya. If our children turn out anything like you, then I'll be the proudest father in the whole of Laisidhiel." He gave her a little squeeze. "And if they inherit your magic instead of mine, we'll know better how to support them. And if we decide that we couldn't weather that storm, then we can decide to adopt."
After a pause, he added, "No matter what, we'll be together."
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Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2017 3:25 pm
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Vanya hid her face in her mate's chest fur, inhaling deeply to take comfort from his scent while seeking to control the lingering hitches in her breath from the subsiding urges to sob. How could she have been so foolish to think that he wouldn't understand? Takis had stood by her side, supporting her through everything thus far. That wasn't going to change now.
It was true, many of her early troubles had come from lack of understanding. She'd been all alone, scared of hurting others, but also of herself. She'd had no one to explain to her what was going on. How to control it. How to understand it. The path to understanding and controlling her abilities had been long and painful, and she'd had to travel it alone, figuring it all out herself by trial and sometimes painful error.
Until she'd met Takis.
Sure, by that point she had a fair grasp on her abilities and the rituals she needed to keep them in check. Even so, the constant support and companionship that had turned to love had been at first bewildering, but not unpleasant. She relied on that support now, more than she'd consciously admit. Perhaps that's where some of her panic had come from just now, not directly from the thought of children, but from the thought of disappointing Takis that had spiraled into an irrational fear that he'd want nothing to do with her if she wouldn't give him children.
She felt ashamed of herself. It was all she could do to remind herself exactly how stressful a day it had been to perhaps justify her emotional response.
Sufficiently calmed at this point, she lifted her head and turned her face towards Takis. "Of course, you're right, dear. And...and I'll always have you, right? No matter what?" Of course, she knew that. But...she just needed to hear it again.
It was true...if by some chance they did have children and her powers were passed on, at least she had some understanding of them now. She'd have the knowledge to know how to deal with them, to help them understand and learn to control and harness them the way she had. And perhaps Laisidhiel would instead bless them with talents like Takis' instead. Or, if the spirits weren't willing, at least the option to adopt had been put on the table. It was an enormous relief from the Seer's shoulders, just knowing the option was there.
"I'm sorry for getting so worked up," she muttered with a gentle shake of her head that caused just the barest rustle from the leaves of her branches. "We're just talking after all. Nothing more just yet. I...I suppose today was just more emotionally taxing than I'd realized. Not that that's an excuse..." She was supposed to be the Tree's seer and spiritual healer. If she couldn't even keep herself emotionally healthy, how could she possibly help others in the same respect?
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