I am ruined.

[Xiporah]

My v****a. is...hideously scarred and permanently damaged at this point. I have raised keloid scarring, permanent 'tears' in the tissue, permanent indentations, notches missing along the c**t

Half the time, when I piss and I go to wipe, I tear myself open.

I swear to ******** god I hate being a ******** woman. I hate my genitals. I hate my tits. I hate their biological function. I hate their appearance. I hate them so ******** much.

I have a gyno appointment on Friday. Every ******** time she comments on how badly damaged it is, and it's worse than it's been in years. I am terrified of what she's going to say. All she ever does is give me a generic diagnosis (puritis of the vulva, or basically, 'itchy p***y') and steroid ointment which actually works wonders, but it's a temporary prescription. Once the prescription runs out, the problems start again.

The keloids itch like a mother ********. Constantly. I scratch them in my sleep and rip myself open. I get ripped open when I have sex or masturbate wrong or wipe myself wrong while pissing.

I ******** hate my body

I mean it was a worthless sack of disgusting horseshit for years anyway, but at least the one part of me that men cared about worked. now that doesn't even function properly.

my entire body is revolting. Looking at myself nude repulses me. I actually genuinely feel sorry for Brandon because he loves me. He says I love you and I love him back so ******** much, but all I can think is, "oh god, you poor, poor man. I am so sorry."

I love him so much, and he has been nothing but good to me, but i am nothing but a piece of s**t that will drag him down and ruin him

fat is worthless
jaime is worthless
I am disgusting
everything about me is sickening

I have to turn down sex with brandon constantly because 'I have a tear' or 'it hurts right ******** ******** ******** ********. I am finally with someone I WANT TO DO THINGS WITH AND I ******** CAN'T  

[captain buttcheeks]

sad

you are so abusive to yourself! it breaks my heart.

maybe you and brandon can go on long walks together, then work that up to jogging, then work that up to running (UGH) or even better, other ways of working out? the outcomes are not immediate, but once they show up, even in the slightest bit, it does amazing things for your self confidence.

do you know if there's anything else you can do about your punani besides the creme?  

[Xiporah]

Well, I'd probably need reconstructive surgery to get it looking back to normal. I looked on Wikipedia and it said something about some kind of 'gel sheeting' thing?

Also I've read that Vitamin E oil can help a little, but I've never tried it.

I'm just afraid most of the treatments listed are too invasive and harsh for such a sensitive area.

It's just...embarrassing you know? I've had this problem for about 5 years now. It all started after I had a drunk 4th of July hookup with this dude before Brandon and I started dating. I have been tested for every STD under the sun numerous times since then, in fact since it's considered basic preventative care under my insurance (aka free) I go ahead and get all STD testing when I get a pap, including getting blood drawn for HIV testing. HPV, HIV, all the other STI's too. Every single time I come up clean. So it's not that.

I'm feeling better now. I logged off, had a really long cry and three shots and a bunch of green tea.

I know I'm quite abusive to myself. I do my best to supress this crap, but a lot of what I wrote there goes through my head on a daily basis. I can ignore it most of the time, but sometimes it boils over and posts like this happen.

I can at least say I'm not hurting myself anymore.

 

[captain buttcheeks]

well i'm glad to hear at least that, that you're not physically harming yourself. that's a huge accomplishment. you don't deserve that pain.

there is a difference between suppressing and straight up burning that tape, the one that plays in your mind over and over and makes you feel like s**t. i've had a lot of tapes of my own that i've burned. i don't take a lot of s**t from anyone very much these days because i stopped taking so much s**t from myself. but naturally it still comes up from time to time, just under different phrases and ideas and whatnot..

that's strange about the hook up thing, i can't even imagine what it meant if it wasn't any kind of std or sti? if hooking up with that dude was the catalyst? strange.

i'm really glad you have brandon though. from all i've read from both of your guys' posts, you guys are so lovely together. you deserve someone who loves you no matter how mangled you think your p***y is, or how lame you think you are. i understand that you feel like you have to apologize to him about who you are (i do the same with my bf), but if he loves you for exactly who you are (which it seems like he does), those apologies are fallin on deaf ears. not a damn soul on this planet is perfect. there are people out there who will think you are though. and you got one right in your own home. that's real nice. <3  

[Xiporah]

I don't get it either. We used protection too. It was about a month later that it just started itching for no reason. I probably tried to treat it as a yeast infection about once a month, but that too only temporarily helped. Three days or so after the treatment ended, it'd be back to itching again.

Brandon has literally helped me so much. I don't self harm anymore, which is big because I'm not a cutter, I'm a hitter and my target is always my head, whether it be punching myself anywhere that my hair can hide the bruises, or slamming my head into doors, door frames and walls.

I've full on knuckle punched myself so hard that I've dazed myself, and I've also knocked myself so hard that my jaw is kinda ******** up now and clicks when I open and shut it.

I don't get fly off the handle, blind rage angry anymore. He hugs me when I cry. He helps me control my anger when I start feeling blind rage, which is actually when I hit myself the most, not when I am sad.

He actually seemed pretty sad when I said that to him for the first time, and tells me often that I am the best thing that ever happened to him.

I'm also back to a regular workout schedule during my lunch hour at work. It's not every day, but I've also been enjoying having a day in between to veg out at lunch or go for a walk outside in the sun, or running an errand. Going to try and bump it up permanently to 4 days a week and use Tuesdays as my errand/vegout days.

 

[marzipancakes]

captain buttcheeks

you are so abusive to yourself! it breaks my heart.

this. sad

What you're worth as a person has nothing to do with any of these things, and clearly Brandon sees that, so what else REALLY matters? Other than YOU seeing it. And I really, REALLY wish you could. sad heart  

[captain buttcheeks]

Xiporah

and tells me often that I am the best thing that ever happened to him.

aah heart heart

and that's cool about the work out, you got that s**t down then.

man xippy i really wish you saw yourself in a more positive light. you're so interesting and chill and beautiful! vaginas are generally ugly sad looking things anyway. i'm sorry yours is painful though:/ those keloids sound sketch. i hope there's a way to successfully fix it for you.  

[Xiporah]

Wow, so I feel dumb.

Went to the giney doctor on Friday, as scheduled. I got there and informed her of the ongoing issues. Told her damage has gotten worse, and said 'don't be shocked.'

She looked baffled and asked why I wasn't using anything for it. I told her my prescription ran out and I hadn't had a chance to come in and reup

"No, you still have refills here. We need to clear this up for you, we can't have you in pain like this. I'm also adding more refills for you. You should pick it up before you leave."

Holy...I still had refills. I thought the last time I checked they ran out and the system (you can order prescriptions and refill requests online through my insurance.) Said NO.

I could have been pain free this whole time.

She added 30 refills to it as well and we chatted about how my IUD was working and my relationship, which she thought was cute that we survived long distance and were now living together.

crying heart

One of the big reasons that I chose her as my GYN is because she performed my mother's hysterectomy in 2002.

The damage has been done, but the itching is already gone, the scarring is softened and will turn from white to pink again soon. Also, TMI , but the newer scarring will also 'peel' and expose newer healthier skin underneath. This is what happened last time at least.

Also, Brandon has been a ******** saint to me about this. I know he can be pretty gruff with people and sorta...offputting at times due to his bluntness and being rather quiet in groups. But he has been nothing but supportive, and nonjudgmental. When I cry he hugs me and says he loves me.

I am always terrified of him going downtown because of the appearance and as such, shy away from sex even when I want it. He has never mentioned the appearance to me and still loves me.

Holy s**t. I deserve that, don't I? Jesus I am going to cry.  

[captain buttcheeks]

you do!! he is a very special guy and you're a special lady and yall deserve each other :)

i hope all those refills help you! and keep looking up n have faith in yourself. if he wants to please you, let yourself have that treat :)  

[Xiporah]

2 weeks out...

I finally had the guts to look down there with a mirror.

Everything looks almost normal. You can still feel the scarring, but the feel and appearance is greatly diminished. The fresher skin and a lot of the scarring is still deathly white in a few areas, but much the whole area of it has returned to a healthier color.

So bless you, Betamethasone valerate. You are truly a wonder cream for my poonani. I can also stop using it as much. It's not intended for long term use, just when problems occur. I have gone from twice a day, down to one and will probably go down to once every other day soon.  

[Zukes]

I'm not one much for tears, but I have to admit to wiping away some while reading this.

Xippy you really are an inspirational person. That's why Brandon is still with you, that's why so many people in the guild love you.

As frustrating as the problem may be, it's not worth tearing yourself apart over. Everyone has flaws and everyone has scars.

You're far too valuable of a woman to let yourself fixate on those things all the time.

I hope you're doing better... I truly do.  

[Xiporah]

I am. Thank you so much for the concern. The past two weeks have been much better for me. I am no longer afraid to pee when I need to. That is the biggest bonus. I stopped drinking as much water because it hurt to pee every time. So now I can start drinking more water again!  

[marzipancakes]

I'm REALLY GLAD to hear it's getting better. As much as I don't believe that anyone should let their physical appearance get them down, I do understand that it can be really hard sometimes, especially something as sensitive as that. But you ARE so much more than that, and you DO deserve everything good you have. And yay for not being in pain! Is this going to help with most of your sexual issues too?  

[Xiporah]

Yes, it will, and it has. It would tear open so much because the whole area was never allowed to really heal up.

It just made me feel so...gross. Like I had a disease or was unclean or something.

 

[captain buttcheeks]

That's understandable, it's such a sensitive and symbolic area to be hurtin' like that. But i'm glad to hear you're back on yo game :)