"What are you looking at? Oh, it's me— of course."
Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2012 12:32 am
ENTRY
You look to the upper right hand corner of the room, looking straight the camera steadily filming the other person while you look on with a horribly anxious demeanor. You try to calm yourself down in the meantime, but you know it won't work until they call you up next.
The person in front of you bows and walks to the exit, jumping away and calling out goodbye in a small, seemingly annoying voice. A another voice calls for the next person, and you tremble, your strong, powerful, trained legs threatening to pull you down when you look to the right— the judges. They're waiting.
For you.
Inhale, exhale. Don't worry. This is nothing.
You could do this. This was just another one of your performances. Just with a little more flair. You can.
And you will. You take a deep breath and walk on to the stage, stopping smack dab in the middle of it. A sudden tremendous amount of pressure fell on to you for a second and you took a small step back— thankfully, the judges didn't notice it. But the cameras will— but you make them not notice. A snap of your fingers fixed that problem.
They ask you for your name— your name is simple, as was your life, your appearance, your everything. Everything was too simple. You inwardly chuckle. Your father had planned your life out for you. He forced you to take ballet( "as every girl should" ) martial arts for self-defense( "just in case a man were to try and kidnap you" ) and put you in a boarding school for girls only( "less of a risk for you to fall in love with a stupid young man and leave me!" ). Yes, it was for safety and beauty— and you recognized this, but he treated you as less than equal. He degraded you by calling you a wench, saying women shouldn't do this, women shouldn't do that, and that females should stay in the kitchen where they belong. You've had to argue with him daily to put you in school rather than being taught slowly by a tutor, as he believed that you should be learning how to sew instead.
Your father was one of the most sexist men you had ever met, next to his co-workers. And you hated it.
You hated being treated like a little girl, like a housewife, like a maid. You had rights that needed to be respected. Either way, you were rich, for heavens sake— there were servants for that.
Through all this, you never revealed to him the nature of your powers. Yet another reason for him to keep you imprisoned, and it was hard enough trying to keep yourself on the low radar. Even as a kid, you figured that your father was better off not knowing it.
Instead, you've always wanted to be a star. A dancer, a singer, a popular, amazing celebrity like Marilyn Monroe or Lady Gaga.
But with him in the way, he's messed up everything.
Which is why you finally snapped. You dyed your fluffy red hair a beautiful light pink and you took the offer to audition. Television would be the easiest way to get yourself out there— in the real world. Not your father's personal world. You were not to be a live-in housewife for anyone— you'd rather be single and popular.
You start to take a small bow as you begin your routine— a small, knowing smile appearing on your makeup filled, white as snow face as you waited for the music to begin, it taking a few extra seconds to begin. A small giggle erupted from the curtain you came from, and you wince as your confidence dwindles— but you hold strong, a small, calm ghost of a smile specially reserved for concerts on your face. The music began to play, and you instantly lept to the tune, absorbing yourself into it.
You used third position for a millisecond while you avant, pairing it with demi-pointe jump— feet one behind the other while slowly walking forward, suddenly snapping up in to a small jump with both feet straight— this you did multiple times until the music incorporated the strings, where you preformed a balançoire, changing the way your legs swung— moving them back and forth at every high pitch. Arabesque, cabriole, batterie, — you knew them all, and you used that to your full extent. You twirled and leapt around with more confidence than before, your nose up high, eyes closed with serene grace as you recalled your ballet lessons, gracefully springing your legs up. Your body then crumpled purposefully onto the floor, and you jumped up, showing off your strong arms and quick thinking with martial arts— Judo, to be exact, all the while incorporating the ballet moves you were so fond of. Everything all went so fast as your body twisted and turned to the music, and soon after, before you knew it, you were up to your grande finale— a grand jeté— a split in the air. You knew you didn't know that move very well. You were horrible at splits. Especially in midair!
But that was where your power came in handy.
You leapt up gracefully, everything perfect, not a single fault in sight. Your jump was perfect— way too perfect for someone who started learning it the week before. You landed on your feet in fifth position gracefully and elegantly, perfectly, as if you'd known it for years.
In reality, you jumped a normal jump and landed in fifth position, breathing heavily and spreading your arms out as if to hug the world. You quietly curtsied while in the same position, a mischievous smile masked by a serene smile.
Illusions were so easy to handle. Especially when used against those with horribly simple minds...
Walking to the exit, you left before hearing their conformation or agreement, only leaving them a phone number on the desk.
You were bold.
And that was an important feat.
You will become famous— No one alive will not know your name. You will become a figure of desire, fame, and fortune in this hopeless world, and you want it all. All the attention of the world— and nothing less, mind you. On the other hand, being a superhero...
Eh.
In reality, you do not care about being a super hero.
You just want the spotlight.
And you are willing to give up everything for it, no matter what.
Hero alias: Entrechat Real name: Anna Fitzgerald. Powers/abilities:Illusion Manipulation: She can make one illusion double of herself, of others, or of animals(if she knows their appearance very well, otherwise she will just guess) The illusion cannot speak if she doesn't know how their voice sounds like. On top of that, she can make 5 things appear like they are something else— like a slip of paper appear to be a 100 dollar bill, a small pile of rocks appear to be a diamonds, etc.— for around 10 minutes, and if she pushes it, she can reach 15, but she gets mentally exhausted.
Her imagination can make the most impossible things happen. If the illusion gets touched, it'll disappear. It takes her an hour to recharge, if she doesn't push it. She's also pretty fast from her ballet reflexes, but she sucks at attacking others. When she makes a copy of herself, the illusion usually has red hair or no makeup on, with many freckles reaching from the bridge of her nose, to her cheeks, her ears, and her neck. There are sometimes in which that she tries very hard, and the illusion appears exactly how she is normally.
sidekick: Anna will be able to create and control 2-3 complex illusions of animals, people, or things for around 15 minutes(pushing it 20), but will take around 30mins to recharge. She can make around 10-20 small things appear to be something else, and will be getting better at both attacking and defense.
hero: She can make at most 5 complex, detailed illusions for 20-25mins, and 15-20 small items appear to be something else. She will be able to make one living person or animal hallucinate that they're in some other place for around 3-5 minutes, just by touching their forehead or touching the person or animals temples, or somewhere close to the brain where she can penetrate. She cannot create complicated places, such as busy streets filled with people, and she'll only be able to create simple things, such as a beach, a desert, a plain, the countryside, or an empty street. Her illusions override what their senses are actually picking up in reality— think of sleeping. When others are asleep, they think they can do things they aren't— in her 'dream' it's the same.
There are few, but practical ways to get out of her illusion. There is always something wrong with it — like a wrongly colored tree or a wrong atmosphere, such as a very hot environment for an arctic area, or a chair in the middle of nowhere. With that, they can pretty much realized they're in her trap. When under her illusion, they are asleep and think they are using their senses, except when they touch something. They can hold something, but they can't really touch it. Ex: They are picking up a sofa, but they can't feel it's weight. They are touching grass but they can't feel it.
If they can feel someone hurt them from the outside, like a very hard slap, a hard shake, or a punch, they will automatically get out of the illusion. By realizing that they're in the illusion, getting hurt, or waiting the amount of time she can hold it up, they burst out, but it may take a few seconds for them to get their bearings.
weapons and extras: rookie: She has a flail— her mother's old weapon, actually, pretty darn important to her—but she refuses to use it in battles until she learns how to use it properly. As of now she only knows how to swing it around, no fancy movements or the like, and she can barely hold it up as she doesn't have the upper body strength necessary to hold it. There are sometimes that she even hits herself with it. Her roller skates help her navigate places easier, although she's still trying to get the hang of them.
sidekick: She'll be used to having her flail around and it'll be fairly easy for her to move it. Her roller skates will be easier to move with and her movements with them won't be as rigid as before, and she might've changed them to roller blades.
hero: She'll know how to use a flail like it's part of her arm, and her roller blades will be the same? Probably, maybe with a small boost to it, like if she's going really fast and she turns, she'll get a boost and roll faster. (Like in Mario Kart)
Which area is the character based/from: Ronth! But she looks nothing like the people who come from there. Her mother comes from Upper Sewitt while her father comes from Tasea— and though she may look exactly like her mother, her eyes are her fathers(unless she puts on a lot of makeup, HA!!) Age upon entering academy: She's 15! How did your character get their powers: She was born with it. Motivation for entering academy: It wasn't her decision. She's only doing this for the fame. After the academy, she'll be a star!
Strengths: elegant - Due to her years of training ballet, Anna is pretty elegant and moves around like she's on a runway or as if she's going to spring into ballet dances at any moment, even with her roller skates. Her ballet classes have made her able to slip through small places or small alleys easily, and have also taught her to jump higher, dodge quicker, and run faster. rich - She can get whatever she wants from anyone with a glance at her platinum credit card. If she isn't up for fighting against someone or etc, she could either buy them off or pay someone else to do it. truthful - Anna doesn't like to lie. She bends the truth sometimes, yes, but she doesn't lie. Sometimes, that is good, but usually it brings bad consequences as people are usually more hurt by the truth than they are by the lies.
Weaknesses: all bark and no bite - She's pretty good at taunting people, yeah, but she's too thin to even contemplate learning to actually fight. vain - She struts her stuff like it's everyone's business. Sometimes, that provokes others— in both good and bad ways, but mostly bad. manipulative - If she actually tries, she can make herself sound nice and actually not condescending or rude— but that's once in a blue moon, when she knows her money and her confidence won't work.
Personality:
ஐ ▹ ▹"'Oh nooooo, what are we ever going to do without him?!' Shut your yappin and let's get to it, whining and moping won't get any of us anywhere so we might as well be productive." blunt ;; She never left the house for anything— and during the small amounts of time she did leave the house, she didn't make any friends. She talked to the maids like her father did— harsh and spoiled. She doesn't know how to be compassionate. No sweet words. Just the plain hard truth. Her father didn't teach her to butter everything up— "If you want bread, then you better eat it stale. Butter will make you fat. And women are disgusting when they're fat."
ஐ ▹ ▹"I can do this." confident ;; What could she say? Her father was a confident man, and she inherited this from him. When he wasn't being a complete a*****e, her father was something of a role model to her. She holds her nose up higher than the clouds, and refuses to let anyone get in the middle of her self-worth. She does whatever she can to get to the top— She's the belle of the ball, afterall. She'll talk back to her father whenever he insults her gender, and stands up to him when he tells her she can't go to private or public school because she is a woman. She plunges into problems easily and effortlessly pulls herself out of one, and if someone looks weird today and they ask her for her opinion, she'll walk straight up to them and tell them just that.
ஐ ▹ ▹"I never asked for you to help me! Leave me alone!" loner ;; As she's not used to people around her, Anna is something of a loner. She keeps to herself and if anyone asks her for anything personal, she dismisses them and tells them off, ordering them to leave her alone and to stop asking such questions. She doesn't like talking about her ridiculous father nor her seclusion in her own home. When it comes to teamwork, this harms her greatly— she's never been in a group before, so she doesn't know what to do in that situation. She plans ahead-- for herself, not for others, as she's used to being alone. But when it turns out someone else is there? Everything is out of whack. She gets clumsy and bumps into the other person on occasion unintentionally, and will blame it on the other for being in her way. She will eventually get irritated with someone constantly being there, annoying the hell out of her(even if it's unintentional) and will start ranting at why they should leave her alone cause she has planned everything ok please shut up.
ஐ ▹ ▹"Excuse me? Shut your trap, you disgustingly repulsive piece of trash. No one cares about what you're saying, babe, so zip it." rude ;; Even though she's horribly bold and confident, she does not know how to hold her mouth in front of people. She gets her talking skills from her overly reprehensible father, who seems to only be condescending and reprimanding. She'll definitely put herself before everyone else. They're not as important— she's better than them, after all. She didn't have a mother to tell her to stop being mean to others. She doesn't know it hurts them.
ஐ ▹ ▹"Uhm, wait a second, dearie, I need to finish this for tonight... It's due for Monday? Exactly, for tonight." over-achiever ;; When she puts her mind to something, she does it. As she doesn't like having things pending, such as homework for next week, or a project due at the end of the month, she tries to cram it all into one day and spends until 2-3 am doing the work. Although she covers the steadily growing bags under her eyes with makeup, she still yawns and sometimes falls asleep in class from how tired she gets. When it comes to combat situations, she always— always— goes the extra mile. If she beats someone, she will check if they're down by hurting them one last time, just to be sure. She always has a certain flourish when she ends a battle— and after it ends, she pushes to see if she could get one more hit. Just to be sure. She also usually comes prepared with information about the enemy unless surprised— then she'd just observe what it was weak to.
General backstory: Aurelia Jones and John Fitzgerald met by chance— she was a flirty, red haired 22 year old A-list hero named Rush, he was an impatient, dark haired 25 year old CFO of a company that sold cars. She saved his butt from a near-death situation— a villain had been attacking his company to assassinate the president for refusing his offer of uniting the companies, and he was flung into the air by the man's psychic powers. She caught him by quickly flinging a zip chord and jumping to catch him, although he did go through some mental trauma so she stayed with him for a while and even though he irritated her with his idiotic thoughts, that women were meant to stay in the kitchen, and she irritated him with her ideals, that women were meant to be way more than just house wives, they fell in love. (As they say, opposites attract!)
At first, John thought of Aurelia as foolish and trying to overthrow the system, as he was born into a sexist family that treated all women as child bearers and house keepers. He only slightly respected her— she had saved his life, after all. Over time that belief of his slowly became smaller, and he respected her more, but he had this strange feeling that because she was a woman, her glory wouldn't last long.
Aurelia tried to handle her superhero life, her love life, and her social life all at once, and she fainted from exhaustion. She dismissed it and continued, but became horribly frail and was forced to stop her superhero life for a while. She spent more time at home, getting visits from her family and John within the weeks, until one night it was raining and John stayed over and... You know, the rest.
They got married soon after and Rush decided to give up on her hero career altogether, and just settle down with her new husband. Within a few weeks, they realized she was pregnant! They were horribly excited, but Aurelia was feeling weaker and weaker by the day, and John knew this was going to happen. That event caused him to see her as a regular, weak woman, thinking that this happened to her because she went against the system. It was as if he was in denial that she was strong, because from what he saw then, she looked like a wreck on legs.
They littered the house with baby toys, created a full, blown out nursery, and by the time the baby was on her way, they were all set.
Except Aurelia was so weak she couldn't even stand properly.
She died giving birth to Anna, and the last thing she did was hold Anna in her arms. The last thing she said was—"She has her fathers eyes."
John fell into a horrible depression after that, having kept himself mentally healthy by telling himself she'd definitely life when all that happened was anything but, and spent months trying to heal himself —he took some time off work to go on a vacation in Tasea, his home country, and left his newborn daughter, Anna— a mischievous, red haired little girl who learned quickly— with the nurses to take care of her. She looked exactly like her mother, and due to this, he assumed she could have been just as fragile as her mother was. He kept her at locked home and refused to reveal her to the outside world. She was, instead, homeschooled. John locked up his feelings and instead focused himself only on his work, refusing to want to marry or meet any new women, leaving Anna alone.
To cope with having no mother or present father, Anna sought refuge in talking about her problems with her personal live-in butler-slash-tutor, Algernon, nicknamed Al. He was old and friendly and just about everything she imagined an ideal father to be, and she instead thought of him as her father. He used to tell her stories of his kids and grandkids when she was a kid, and tucked her in every night. Now that he was older, he was suffering from memory loss and would repeat the same stories and school lessons over and over again— she'd mention it when he started repeating his stories or lessons, and he'd exclaim in response, "Nonsense! That is blasphemy, I tell you, blasphemy!" And he'd ruffle her hair and continue. In the end, she gave up on him and decided it was best to let the old geezer talk.
As a kid, Anna could make unusual things appear at will. Her father was too busy with work to notice it. She knew all the blind spots the cameras in her house had, so she could make an illusion at will without them finding out, and make it seem like it was already there and not just... made. She was pretty good at not getting caught.
Anna knew about her mother. To Anna, her mother was foolish. She could have been so much more... But instead, she had her and married her wreck of a father. In a way, Anna looked up to her mother— she had been popular, beautiful, and powerful. People looked to her like she could help them with anything, or they looked at her with adoration. If she hadn't met her father... She could have been perfect, amazing! She didn't understand why she abandoned popularity for a family— for a family that she wasn't even alive to be with. She was ashamed of her. The reason she wears so much make up isn't only because she wants to look nice— it's because she doesn't want to be recognized as the daughter of such a shameful person. With makeup, no one knew. Without it— they'd realize it immediately.
With nothing to do at home but study or practice some of her hobbies, Anna often spent time on the computer, looking at clothes or different websites, and even making some friends on the Internet, despite however rude she had been.
Soon enough, Anna became sick of her fathers attitude to her as well as acting as if she was a prisoner. During this time many ads of a certain talent show that could make you a star in a T.V. show was all over— the Internet, the TV, buses, the tops of taxis... She couldn't just ignore them. In her boredom, she finally started reading it, and at first, thought it was a stupid idea. Then she thought harder— maybe if she ran away, she'd be alone. She'd be free. The next day, she called the number and registered immediately.
She practiced and practiced and learnt all the steps she could within a week— she was so into it, she didn't take any of her classes. She learnt everything but the damn grande finale, and every time she tried it, she failed. Once she almost sprained her ankle. Taking a break, she tried to envision herself doing it, and imagined it happening right in front of her, focusing on that and only that— and soon after opening her eyes, an exact replica of her(except with a small mole on her face) sprang and jumped, landing in a perfect 5th position. Deciding to use this to her advantage, she found a way to make herself unnoticeable to the human eye while the other illusion did what she had to focus on.
She traveled to Ronth two days before the performance— thankfully her father was on a 10 day buisness trip in Sewit— and spent the day wandering around, being careful and repeating the address of the building to herself over and over again. She rented a five-star hotel room, only ate the finest food, and spent the day shopping— with real clothes. It felt good and nice and just all around amazing that she wanted to do it more often. She grew comfortable there. The next day passed quickly and she had decided to dye her hair a light pink— a color that she always adored as a little girl, and matched with her costume. Soon enough, it was the presentation day. She pulled it off without a hitch, and when she received a call back she was ecstatic. She felt free. She basked in the amount of fame she had received from the company, and it died down soon after, as she had asked the company to not be revealed so as to not get caught by her father. Soon enough, all the videos that went up on YouTube and all the other television shows had blurred out her face and bleeped her name, leaving only her pink puff and her delicate body being known to the outside. No one recognized her as John Fitzgerald's daughter, as she barely left the house, was wearing enough makeup to make a drama queen jealous, and she was known for having red hair, not pink.
She reached home the next day, happy all her clothes reached home without a problem. She told Algernon all about it, from the shopping to the performance to the call back and everything!! She was so ecstatic, she had almost forgotten her father arrived the next day. Mentally preparing herself to talk to him, she practiced her confrontation all day with Al. Anna managed to somehow convince him she had been accepted to a boarding school(and had asked Al to get her the dye to fix her hair)— minus the TV part, of course— and he was... Happy? Not for her, but for himself. He had been planning on sending her to a boarding school to keep her quiet from nagging him much, but with his recent work overload, he had been busy. Having been accepted to this boarding school was a huge advantage and saved him the effort of having to look for one. If anything happened to her, he knew she would call him immediately. She packed up and he shipped her away.
Miscellaneous : In her spare time, as a hobby, Anna likes to practice rhythmic gymnastics(namely ball and ribbon), swimming(synchronized and diving), cooking(pastries and the like) and collecting sea glass from the times she went to the beach in the summer with her father. Her favorite foods are mainly pastries and candies— but her absolute favorites are strawberry cheesecake and cotton candy. Her birthday is Feburary 16th— a Aquarius. She's something of a feminist from all her fathers insults. Although it may not seem like it, she loves using the Internet and has a fashion blog that she will never show nor tell anyone she knows, even if it already is somewhat popular. If she meets someone who knows her blog she will freak and inwardly fangirl. Her roller skates are kinda like wheelies— they have a clip on, clip off feature that she uses all the time. Others can easily pick her up or throw her because she is so light.
She likes to give people nicknames and likes to call them pet names sarcastically, such as babe, love, dear, honey, etc.
Hey Quite! Great to see you've gotten this up. : D So right down to business…
@Powers I think her recharge should be longer as a rookie, this can always go down as she stages. 30 mins isn't long if her illusions can last 10.
I would also like to know how her illusions work in more detail. How would someone in her illusion break out? During the illusion, can they walk around and bump into things that they don't see in the illusion but are there in real life? How would the illusion get 'hit'? How close does she need to be to a person to cause the room illusion?
I think you should take out the illusions being able to hit back, this doesn't make any sense in terms of being illusions. How do they even become physical? I also think it's a good idea to keep that the illusions break after a hit, if you're talking about a single object. As for the room illusion, I'll wait for a more in-depth explanation… u wu
You also mention that she does ballet AND judo. Judo is clashing with her backstory of her father being a total sexist. If he was a real sexist (as you do state that he is, even commenting that she should be a housewife), he wouldn't think women need self-defense and would stick her with housewife classes instead. For a parent who degrades her in all aspects female, this really doesn't make any sense to me. Taking self-defense classes are empowering, not degrading.
I also think it'd be great if you could elaborate more on the flail, like where she got it/what it means to her. (:
@Strengths/Weaknesses I really think you need to take a step back on the educated bit, she's pretty much 15 and studying at college level on her own is pushing it alongside all these other strengths you have listed for her. Ballet, the reflexes that it enables her with, is already a great strength.
Does she really need such high intelligence at her age with her powers, plus her extra speed/reflexes/flexibility? And if you don't take out judo, she would have judo too. These need to be leveled out a bit, because having her great at all of these things is pushing into Mary Sue territory.
I think the roller skates are more of a strength too, getting places faster doesn't really seem like a hinderance to me. And if she's been wearing them for ages, I'd imagine that she's already used to maneuvering around in them without difficulty. It just seems contradictory to say it's a downfall and then note how it's useful, negating its negative trait. Also contradictory to how I don't think someone of her overachieving/elegant character would stand for looking awkward in something she has difficulty maneuvering around in.
@Personality Not much to note here except that I think it's great for SA to finally have some less happy go-lucky female characters around. lol. I'm sure it'll be great fun RPing. *__* b
@Backstory There are one issue here in terms of noting SA, the particular flatsale you won Anna in is a company that is having a contest not SA. SA is a sort of secret school that people know is a school, but don't really know what goes on there. You have completely free reign on this company that had a contest to have a mascot hero, but in general for anyone, putting SA in the public eye would need to be taken out. I'm just letting you know. (:
I also have a lot of questions about her background in general… What does her dad's company do? And growing up, did she have any particular caretaker who was always with her? Someone she was close to? What about at this all girls school, did she make friends? I know she's a loner, but growing up she had no one to confide in?
How does her father feel about her going to SA? And how does Anna feel about her mom? Does she know the history? Since she looks very alike to her mother, wouldn't she notice the strangeness about her father? Or is she aware already…? Would people recognize her as the daughter of Rush?
Anyway, this is all for now. She's looking good! I don't think you need too much more. I hope this crit's helpful. (:
Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 7:10 pm
Shnazz
yes yes, your crit was amazing!! thank you very much, shnazzy!!! emotion_kirakira sorry I took so long to edit it, I was busy with exams and I had asked my friend to crit it as well. had to adjust it a bit more! u wu ;; but yeah, crits are open again!! /goes to post her in crit thread
overall im really diggin' anna! most of my issues lay with her abilities. so let's start off with her powers~
@rookie: How many illusions can Anna make at any given time? I imagine trying to make several people at once would be complicated, especially if she was trying to make them as accurate as possible. Perhaps she could make several smaller illusions at once, (like the rock into a diamond), but I don't think she should be able to make more than one human/animal copy at this point. :3 What are your thoughts on this?
@sidekick: I'm sort of unsold on this whole hallucination ability. It seems a bit powerful for a sidekick, and a tad out of place next to the rest of her abilities. If you'd like to keep it I'd suggest either somehow toning it down, or altogether moving it to hero stage. You could tone it down by dramatically lessening how long she can hold someone (I would suggest 5 minutes) or by limiting what she make them hallucinate somehow!
You say it's easy to snap out of the illusion, since there's dead giveaways like discolored trees- but you also say they can't use any of their senses! How are they even supposed to perceive her illusions if they can't see or hear them? Or do you mean that her illusions override what their senses are actually picking up in reality? One way or another, it needs to be clarified. Now, you mention that if someone is hurt they'll snap out of the illusions- I don't understand how that works, because pain and feeling is a sense. This needs to be thought out a bit more. Would any physical stimulation wake them? Does it have to be intense pain? Does blood need to be drawn?
She also won't need to teach herself to fight, that's what teachers and mentors are for after all! I also think the flail being able to extend is overkill, since she gets karate, flexibility from dance, potentially two varieties of illusions, rollerskates (which btw I think you should mention more, maybe add to strengths, what an asset!), and a weapon. Most characters only have their ability, and we need to try and keep the playing field even!
Finally, you barely touch on her actual illusions here. Since I think you should lower her Rookie abilities, I also think you should lower her Sidekick as well. Jumping from being able to do a few small illusions or a person to a whole room is a bit much. My suggestion would be that she is able to create 2 - 3 detailed illusions (such as a person or animal) or maybe a dozen or so smaller, less demanding illusions. Opinions on this?
@hero: What does 'have full control of the environment' entail? To me, that says she can change her surroundings, which you list in sidekick. I think changing a whole room would be something she could only do at hero stage! If you mean like, she can create a whole living scene of people and activities- I'm going to have to say no. That's super hero tier!
I agree with the 5 complex, detailed illusions such as people. You need to clarify her exact limitations for the rest of her stages like that!
moving onto strengths, although it isnt really an issue: 'ballet' isn't really a strength, but 'ballet training' is? Also you wrote 'Others can fling her ' and just trailed off idk if that was a mistake...?
i dont see anything wrong with personality! i love it, mean girls are fun huhuhu. im real excited to see how she fares against some of the kids at the academy, haha!
moving onto history!
why exactly does anna's father wish to keep her locked away? you wrote that she could have been weak like her mother, but from what I gather her mother was a strong, independent woman. at least until she took too much on her plate, got married, etc. maybe go more into john's thought process and opinions on his late wife, because this feels inconsistent to me considering she was a hero!
Al is kawaii btw ;__;
Just nitpicking, but you say 'the few times she went to her private school'. Few times? Anna doesn't seem like the kid to skip school, since she ran off to attend it in the first place. If you mean she switches between being homeschooled and attending the all girls school, that isn't really viable- it's one or the other! You wouldn't go to two different highschools, just like you wouldn't bounce between being homeschooled and attending a public school. Speaking from experience most schools actually have a minimum amount of time you must attend to even pass your courses, regardless of how high your marks are. She could miss class often, sure, but they'd kick her out for rarely showing up.
I rather like her opinion of her mother- it's sad, and well thought out imo. ; v;
I think you put lots of thought into Anna, and it really shows! Her history and how it affects her as a person today is clear and makes perfect sense, it's beautifully orchestrated. So while I think Anna could use a proofreading, overall she's shaping up to be quite the little fireball and I can't wait to have her accepted!
Posted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 3:23 am
melona-pan
MEA CRIT WOOOOOooooooooo
FLINGS SELF AT MEA HAPPILY
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overall im really diggin' anna! most of my issues lay with her abilities. so let's start off with her powers~
@rookie: How many illusions can Anna make at any given time? I imagine trying to make several people at once would be complicated, especially if she was trying to make them as accurate as possible. Perhaps she could make several smaller illusions at once, (like the rock into a diamond), but I don't think she should be able to make more than one human/animal copy at this point. :3 What are your thoughts on this?
perfect! I actually meant 1 copy, my apologies for not specifying!!
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@sidekick: I'm sort of unsold on this whole hallucination ability. It seems a bit powerful for a sidekick, and a tad out of place next to the rest of her abilities. If you'd like to keep it I'd suggest either somehow toning it down, or altogether moving it to hero stage. You could tone it down by dramatically lessening how long she can hold someone (I would suggest 5 minutes) or by limiting what she make them hallucinate somehow!
You say it's easy to snap out of the illusion, since there's dead giveaways like discolored trees- but you also say they can't use any of their senses! How are they even supposed to perceive her illusions if they can't see or hear them? Or do you mean that her illusions override what their senses are actually picking up in reality?
One way or another, it needs to be clarified. Now, you mention that if someone is hurt they'll snap out of the illusions- I don't understand how that works, because pain and feeling is a sense. This needs to be thought out a bit more. Would any physical stimulation wake them? Does it have to be intense pain? Does blood need to be drawn?
Ah, good point! I moved it to hero stage, and edited sidekick stage a bit!
I meant that her illusions override their senses, yeah! they basically drop down to the floor, "asleep" for a few minutes. Until they realize they're in an illusion, get hurt, or the time limit ends, they'll be under her illusion! ^^
The pain has to be high enough that it'll pull someone out of their daze. In hero stage, a very hard slap, a hard shake, or a punch will be enough to wake them up, but by super hero stage, blood will need to be drawn.
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She also won't need to teach herself to fight, that's what teachers and mentors are for after all! I also think the flail being able to extend is overkill, since she gets karate, flexibility from dance, potentially two varieties of illusions, rollerskates (which btw I think you should mention more, maybe add to strengths, what an asset!), and a weapon. Most characters only have their ability, and we need to try and keep the playing field even!
Mhm! Pulled it out, and added more info on her roller skates!
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Finally, you barely touch on her actual illusions here. Since I think you should lower her Rookie abilities, I also think you should lower her Sidekick as well. Jumping from being able to do a few small illusions or a person to a whole room is a bit much. My suggestion would be that she is able to create 2 - 3 detailed illusions (such as a person or animal) or maybe a dozen or so smaller, less demanding illusions. Opinions on this?
@hero: What does 'have full control of the environment' entail? To me, that says she can change her surroundings, which you list in sidekick. I think changing a whole room would be something she could only do at hero stage! If you mean like, she can create a whole living scene of people and activities- I'm going to have to say no. That's super hero tier!
I agree with the 5 complex, detailed illusions such as people. You need to clarify her exact limitations for the rest of her stages like that!
Yeah, perfect! I fixed it up a bunch and added more information on her actual illusions. completely moved the hallucination idea from sidekick to hero and and fixed them both up!
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moving onto strengths, although it isnt really an issue: 'ballet' isn't really a strength, but 'ballet training' is? Also you wrote 'Others can fling her ' and just trailed off idk if that was a mistake...?
Edited! also, yeah I was gonna write that as she's so light, people can throw her in the air without a hitch, but I moved that to the misc part!
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i dont see anything wrong with personality! i love it, mean girls are fun huhuhu. im real excited to see how she fares against some of the kids at the academy, haha!
I'm actually really looking forward to being a rude, impolite b***h I haven't played one in a while and I just cannot wait..... heh ; w;
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moving onto history!
why exactly does anna's father wish to keep her locked away? you wrote that she could have been weak like her mother, but from what I gather her mother was a strong, independent woman. at least until she took too much on her plate, got married, etc. maybe go more into john's thought process and opinions on his late wife, because this feels inconsistent to me considering she was a hero!
He wants to keep her locked away because his ideals are still goin strong. He felt that Aurelia's fame and strength was only temporary, so he hadn't changed his ideals, he just made them less prominent until she got super super sick and after they realized she was prego. After that his ideals came back in full force, and he pretty much went into denial that she was strong, as she pretty much looked very frail and he felt that she was no different from any other woman.
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Al is kawaii btw ;__;
I love Al too ; w;
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Just nitpicking, but you say 'the few times she went to her private school'. Few times? Anna doesn't seem like the kid to skip school, since she ran off to attend it in the first place. If you mean she switches between being homeschooled and attending the all girls school, that isn't really viable- it's one or the other! You wouldn't go to two different highschools, just like you wouldn't bounce between being homeschooled and attending a public school. Speaking from experience most schools actually have a minimum amount of time you must attend to even pass your courses, regardless of how high your marks are. She could miss class often, sure, but they'd kick her out for rarely showing up.
Yeah, I scrapped being in two schools at once! She's now homeschooled completely, eheh! Never left the house before.
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I rather like her opinion of her mother- it's sad, and well thought out imo. ; v;
I think you put lots of thought into Anna, and it really shows! Her history and how it affects her as a person today is clear and makes perfect sense, it's beautifully orchestrated. So while I think Anna could use a proofreading, overall she's shaping up to be quite the little fireball and I can't wait to have her accepted!
a-aw!! thank you!! ; w; <3 I hope this clears up any confusion and I'm really glad you like her!! ;;
The first thing I want to bring up for this crit is her power section. Personally, I think you can take out the sections about the flail and the roller skates and move them to another section of her profile – or just assume a natural progression in her ability to use them. They don’t really factor much into her powers per-say, unless she actually needs one or the two of them in order to use them. They feel like they’re muddying up the meat of the power section – that is to say – her power.
Now about that. Her power seems pretty solid, though I think you can probably move her ability to control the illusions she make to at least sidekick level. At Rookie she’s just grasping her applications of the power – Even if she’s self-taught, it really shouldn’t be a perfect level of control yet. I like that it has limitations on sounds if she doesn’t know what something sounds like. And I like that she becomes exhausted if she tries to push it for too long. 10-15 minutes is a good time limit for her power, as is the one hour recharge rate. I think you can ditch the physical exhaustion – because being mentally exhausted pretty much already renders her super weak. If you can’t think clearly you can’t move as well as you’d like and you really just want to take a nap – so it suits her need just fine.
Sidekick: Half an hour for her power is a little long, it might be better to say do it for a full 15 and push it to 20. You’re doubling or tripling her ability to make copies (I would say 10 to 15 items too) so I think it’d be tough for her to keep it going for twice as long. I would say she has full control over their actions by this stage – provided she’s not pushing herself. Once she’s pushing herself, she’s obviously going to lose some control because she’s straining.
Hero: I think you need to reiterate the limits for her illusions on this one. So 5 complex illusions for maybe 20 to 25 minutes, 15 to 20 small items. As far as her single target illusion – I would say, living humanoids (that can see – hard to use a visual illusion on the blind), animals – but not things that aren’t living. It’s hard to make an illusion that will fool an automaton, or something that’s not living. It wouldn’t think like a person would and would probably see through the illusion outright – if not be outright immune. You could also say that psychic based hero/villains/Aliens what have you – would have a better chance at breaking the illusion because they’re mental anyway. Just a thought. The time limit is good – as is the inherent flaws to the illusion.
Strengths and Weaknesses: I think you can merge Ballet Training and Elegant into one strength, since her elegance is a function of the ballet training. I don’t really see manipulative as a strength, since it generally has a negative connotation. I’d move that down to Weaknesses. I think being Rich isn’t a complete strength either. Maybe if you fleshed out how her money gives her an edge? Right now it reads like she’s willing to buy everybody’s trust and affection and I’m not sure that’s really a strength – I’d even argue that it’s a weakness.
As far as her weaknesses go they’re pretty solid. You could probably make Truthful a strength though – since even though she’s blunt and potentially hurts others – she’s not prone to being a liar which is generally seen as negative. I’d expand on how her personality is a weak point. She’s a b***h – yes – but why? What are her motivations for being this way to others?
Everything else looks good though!
Personality: I think you can merge Selfish and Rude into one category, probably keep it just rude, as being selfish is often described as rude behavior. The same with Bold and Confident – it is probably her confidence in her own self that lets her be bold and stand up to others, so those two can be merged together. I like her over-achiever trait – but I’d love to see it expanded as to how it affects her beyond school. Also, her loner trait should be expanded into how it does affect her school life – does she avoid group projects? Odds are she’s going to end up teamed up with other classmates for a class at some point – how will she react to that?
Personal History: This is good – it tells why and how she is the way she is. –thumbs up-
quite uneventful
Posted: Sat Feb 22, 2014 5:55 am
Torvil
Hi!
Alright, so here is my crit for Entrechat!
wheeemotion_kirakiraemotion_kirakira thank you again tor tor!!!! <3
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The first thing I want to bring up for this crit is her power section. Personally, I think you can take out the sections about the flail and the roller skates and move them to another section of her profile – or just assume a natural progression in her ability to use them. They don’t really factor much into her powers per-say, unless she actually needs one or the two of them in order to use them. They feel like they’re muddying up the meat of the power section – that is to say – her power.
mm ok!! I added another section underneath powers named weapons and extras for it :>!! (if that's alright!!)
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Now about that. Her power seems pretty solid, though I think you can probably move her ability to control the illusions she make to at least sidekick level. At Rookie she’s just grasping her applications of the power – Even if she’s self-taught, it really shouldn’t be a perfect level of control yet. I like that it has limitations on sounds if she doesn’t know what something sounds like. And I like that she becomes exhausted if she tries to push it for too long. 10-15 minutes is a good time limit for her power, as is the one hour recharge rate. I think you can ditch the physical exhaustion – because being mentally exhausted pretty much already renders her super weak. If you can’t think clearly you can’t move as well as you’d like and you really just want to take a nap – so it suits her need just fine.
e-dit-ed!!!
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Sidekick: Half an hour for her power is a little long, it might be better to say do it for a full 15 and push it to 20. You’re doubling or tripling her ability to make copies (I would say 10 to 15 items too) so I think it’d be tough for her to keep it going for twice as long. I would say she has full control over their actions by this stage – provided she’s not pushing herself. Once she’s pushing herself, she’s obviously going to lose some control because she’s straining.
fixed and fixed! :>!
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Hero: I think you need to reiterate the limits for her illusions on this one. So 5 complex illusions for maybe 20 to 25 minutes, 15 to 20 small items. As far as her single target illusion – I would say, living humanoids (that can see – hard to use a visual illusion on the blind), animals – but not things that aren’t living. It’s hard to make an illusion that will fool an automaton, or something that’s not living. It wouldn’t think like a person would and would probably see through the illusion outright – if not be outright immune. You could also say that psychic based hero/villains/Aliens what have you – would have a better chance at breaking the illusion because they’re mental anyway. Just a thought. The time limit is good – as is the inherent flaws to the illusion.
fixed and thank you <333
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Strengths and Weaknesses: I think you can merge Ballet Training and Elegant into one strength, since her elegance is a function of the ballet training. I don’t really see manipulative as a strength, since it generally has a negative connotation. I’d move that down to Weaknesses. I think being Rich isn’t a complete strength either. Maybe if you fleshed out how her money gives her an edge? Right now it reads like she’s willing to buy everybody’s trust and affection and I’m not sure that’s really a strength – I’d even argue that it’s a weakness.
As far as her weaknesses go they’re pretty solid. You could probably make Truthful a strength though – since even though she’s blunt and potentially hurts others – she’s not prone to being a liar which is generally seen as negative. I’d expand on how her personality is a weak point. She’s a b***h – yes – but why? What are her motivations for being this way to others?
Everything else looks good though!
merged a few things together! took out personality being a weak point because although it may be bad, she's prett. confident and I kinda see that as good ; w;<3
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Personality: I think you can merge Selfish and Rude into one category, probably keep it just rude, as being selfish is often described as rude behavior. The same with Bold and Confident – it is probably her confidence in her own self that lets her be bold and stand up to others, so those two can be merged together. I like her over-achiever trait – but I’d love to see it expanded as to how it affects her beyond school. Also, her loner trait should be expanded into how it does affect her school life – does she avoid group projects? Odds are she’s going to end up teamed up with other classmates for a class at some point – how will she react to that?
merged again!!!
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Personal History: This is good – it tells why and how she is the way she is. –thumbs up-
Ye ye <33
Okay, d-done with the crit!! If anyone else wants to crit, I'd be sure to try and quickly edit her!!! :>!!! Torvil, thank you again for the crit!!!! -huggles him-
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