I'm Pretty Sure I Count As A Lesbian...But...

[Maeve Sage]

Alright so here's what's going on.

I am sexually attracted to women in the definite and extreme way. I am slightly attracted to men I guess, but really it's more that I tend to be emotionally attracted to men - not sexually really.

Here's where I have a problem, I have a boyfriend. We will have been together three years in November. I love him, I really do...but it's almost purely emotional.

He has almost no sex-drive which on some levels has been a blessing for me, because while we have had sex I am still kinda grossed out by a mans anatomy which is probably not normal...but whatever.

He has told me several times that I can go find sexual relationships with women outside our relationship if I'd like to. But I feel this is unfair, and I don't think I'd be able to enjoy it seeing as even with his blessing it would feel like cheating. Not to mention I'm sure he's only saying it because for some reason if I were to find a women he claims that evokes no feelings of jealousy and also I think he feels bad about having a low sex drive (not that mines sky high or anything because it's certainly not.)

I just - I'm starting to feel at a loss. I don't want to leave him because I love him, I like cuddling, he makes me feel safe. But at the same time I feel like I'm missing out on some integral part of my life.

Any advice would be appreciated...I really have no idea what the right answer is here.

 

[Sanguina Cruenta]

Maeve Sage

Alright so here's what's going on.

I am sexually attracted to women in the definite and extreme way. I am slightly attracted to men I guess, but really it's more that I tend to be emotionally attracted to men - not sexually really.

Here's where I have a problem, I have a boyfriend. We will have been together three years in November. I love him, I really do...but it's almost purely emotional.

He has almost no sex-drive which on some levels has been a blessing for me, because while we have had sex I am still kinda grossed out by a mans anatomy which is probably not normal...but whatever.

He has told me several times that I can go find sexual relationships with women outside our relationship if I'd like to. But I feel this is unfair, and I don't think I'd be able to enjoy it seeing as even with his blessing it would feel like cheating. Not to mention I'm sure he's only saying it because for some reason if I were to find a women he claims that evokes no feelings of jealousy and also I think he feels bad about having a low sex drive (not that mines sky high or anything because it's certainly not.)

I just - I'm starting to feel at a loss. I don't want to leave him because I love him, I like cuddling, he makes me feel safe. But at the same time I feel like I'm missing out on some integral part of my life.

Any advice would be appreciated...I really have no idea what the right answer is here.

There's nothing wrong with having a partner in a loving, even romantic relationship that doesn't have a sexual element. If that's how the two of you fit together, that's a good thing. But if being sexual is a part of who you are, you have to feed that part of you too. He is saying it's OK for you to look outside the relationship for that, which is a wonderful thing in itself.

Is he attracted to women generally? You mention he has no sex drive, and I'm wondering if he's a sexual person who's maybe got a hormonal imbalance or something or if he's more asexual and is having sex with you because he feels like he should or because he wants you to be happy and satisfied.

If you can find and afford an open-minded relationship counsellor, you might benefit from a couple of sessions just to get some ideas of where to go from here and to ensure you're both being open and honest about your desires. If you can't afford one, then I'd start off talking to him and asking him to be completely honest about his desires and his concerns in this area. Wondering whether he's secretly bummed about not being more sexual or whatever isn't going to help you, so let him know that, and have a candid discussion. From there, you might want to look into polyamory, and see what ideas other people can give you. There are a LOT of different ways to build a family, and the "couple with kids" option is just one of them. There may be an alternative one out there that fits you perfectly - you just have to keep the communication honest and open, and to trust one another. Not saying it'll be easy, but otherwise your alternatives are to carry on as you are or to break up.

That trust and honesty thing counts for possible partners of yours also, of course. You might be happier about the whole thing if you included him in the dating process in some way.  

[Esiris]

I just want to add to what Sang said, because she gaves some great advice.


Dr. Kinsey developed a method of measuring attraction called the Kinsey scale- very few people are 100% exclusive to one sex or the other (in much the same way that gender is on a scale).

Bicanthrope, who runs one of Gaia's Bisexual guilds had this in a survey:

Quote:

Types of bisexuality

There are different acknowledged types of bisexual, with the following being the main types. ...
Concurrent relationship bisexuals – Have relationships with 2 or more people at once

Alternating Bisexuals – Will be in a committed, monogamous relationship with one person, and if the relationship ends, they will seek a partner of a different sex.

Emotional bisexuals – Are emotionally attracted to both sexes, but only have sexual relationships with one.

Motivational bisexuals – are sexually active with members of both sexes for personal gain, such as exciting their partner sexually, gaining an LGBT following (in the case of celebrities), or various other reasons (a gay person being married to the opposite sex to put off discrimination, etc).

Sex-Only Bisexuals – are sexually interested in both sexes, but can only form relationships with one.

Balanced Bisexuals – are equally attracted to both sexes, and can have relationships with either.

Transitional Bisexuals – Are bisexual for a short time as they come to terms with/explore their homosexuality.

Conditional Bisexuals – People who wouldn’t otherwise be bisexual, but who display homosexual behaviour in a same-sex environment (i.e. inmates in prison, students at a gender-specific school).

I think when it comes to the cheating issues- you might want to explore Polyamory. You might not be polyamorus, but it might give you some ideas about how committed non-monogamous relationships can work.