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[CRITS] Anna-Molly; Julian Antonelli

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Andraia

PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2011 11:44 pm


ANNA-MOLLYJulian Antonelli

User Image
(I decided to leave the gif, because I thought it fit.)
User Image User Image User Image x x ANNA-MOLLY ➲ Julian Antonelli User Image User Image User Image


 
PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2012 7:14 pm

Anna-Molly is a character that was created by accident almost a year ago (I didn’t actually realize
how long ago it was until I saw the date on this thread). “She” has since been reincarnated into two
different universes and become one of my favourite OCs. The problem is that, although she doesn’t
even technically exist yet, she had a lot of background; there is too much information about her in
my head to be easily displayed in a quest thread! I’ve done my best, and I’m opening “her” up for
the first round of critiques so that I will hopefully be able to sort things out better.

(Also, I'm sorry, old formatting is old and hard to read. This has been sitting in a test thread of mine
for a while now. I'll update it eventually OTL .)
 

Andraia


Andraia

PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2012 7:15 pm
'''''''''' ANNA-MOLLY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the persona

'''''''''''' Meet Anna-Molly, the face of Aperture Science The Lazarus Corporation.
'''''''''''' This bright and cheerful girl is the living proof of what our treatments can
'''''''''''' do for you. Once upon a time she was an average person -- just like you
'''''''''''' -- but she made herself into someone special by going through our gene
'''''''''''' enhancement program.

'''''''''''' Our scientists have worked for years to master the human genome, and
'''''''''''' now, for a small fee, they can use their talents to turn you into someone
'''''''''''' remarkable!

'''''''''''' NAME

''''''''''''''''' Anna-Molly

'''''''''''' ABILITIES

''''''''''''''''' Anna-Molly has the ability to generate energy and project it onto other
''''''''''''''''' objects. Objects that have this energy projected onto them are super
''''''''''''''''' durable and hit with greater damage. A charged weapon will have a
''''''''''''''''' greater effect than a non-charged weapon wielded with the same
''''''''''''''''' amount of force.

''''''''''''''''' The energy Anna-Molly generates is unstable and “violently releases”
''''''''''''''''' as soon as it loses contact with her. That is to say, anything she had
''''''''''''''''' charged explodes if she drops it. The stronger it was, the longer it will
''''''''''''''''' last away from her before being released, and the more force it will
''''''''''''''''' release with. (It is worth noting that the reason physical attacks made
''''''''''''''''' with charged weapons are more forceful than attacks made with the
''''''''''''''''' garden variety because, when the energy makes contact, a very small
''''''''''''''''' amount of the charge is transferred and “released”.) Anna-Molly can
''''''''''''''''' use the energy to charge her own body – normally her fists – which
''''''''''''''''' makes her superhumanly durable and gives adds some kick to her
''''''''''''''''' physical attacks.

''''''''''''''''' Larger object require more effort to charge and stronger charges
''''''''''''''''' require more energy. At this time Anna-Molly is only able to generate
''''''''''''''''' enough energy to coat relatively small weapons, and takes a while to
''''''''''''''''' build up enough charge for a significantly violent explosion.

''''''''''''''''' Anna-Molly fights with her “wand” which serves primarily a bludgeoning
''''''''''''''''' weapon but is also equipped with a projectile feature. (It was mostly
''''''''''''''''' designed as something they could market to children.)

''''''''''''''''' She makes things glow, and they get strong.

'''''''''''' OUTFIT

''''''''''''''''' Supershojodesusparkleprincess =D !

'''''''''''' (PUBLIC) PERSONALITY
''''''''''''''''' Crime is history, now that Anna-Molly is on the streets!

''''''''''''''''' With her new enhanced genetics, Anna-Molly has made it her personal
''''''''''''''''' mission to keep you, the public, safe from the forces of evil. She is
''''''''''''''''' sweet, modest, and above all else, kind. With a charming smile and a
''''''''''''''''' positive attitude, Anna-Molly is the perfect example of what a true hero
''''''''''''''''' should be.

''''''''''''''''' Anna-Molly is almost exactly who you would expect to see as the main
''''''''''''''''' character of a shojou transforming magical girl anime. This is largely
''''''''''''''''' because that was what the statistics people at Lazarus Corp told the
''''''''''''''''' advertising department would sell best to their target demographic. She
''''''''''''''''' is contractually obligated to frown disapprovingly at evil doers, put on
''''''''''''''''' the water works when they fail to “see the light”, deliver dramatic
''''''''''''''''' monologs along with blows, and spout of Lazarus Corp slogans as often
''''''''''''''''' as she possibly can.

''''''''''''''''' In summery: she is a walking stereotype and advertising medium.

'''''''''''' HISTORY

''''''''''''''''' A year and a half ago, The Lazarus Corporation hosted a competition to
''''''''''''''''' find the new face of their company. Hundreds of hopeful pre-teens
''''''''''''''''' entered their names into a draw, from which Anna was chosen. Anna
''''''''''''''''' would be the first human put through their Anomaly Program, and her
''''''''''''''''' transformation would be the focus of the single biggest advertising
''''''''''''''''' campaign Lazarus Corp had ever run.

''''''''''''''''' She was the ultimate “before and after” subject; there magazine articles
''''''''''''''''' written about her, interviews played on every major talk show, and
''''''''''''''''' billboards plastered with her face. Over the six months the treatment
''''''''''''''''' was being tailored to suit her unique genetic makeup, the people of
''''''''''''''''' Crantel fell in love with her. The public reaction to the sweet little twelve
''''''''''''''''' year old could not have been any better. When she walked into the
''''''''''''''''' Lazarus Corp labs to undergo her first treatment, smiling and waving for
''''''''''''''''' the cameras, the whole city held its breath.

''''''''''''''''' Anna stayed clear of the public eye for almost three months, while she
''''''''''''''''' was subject to the intense genetic modification treatments. When she
''''''''''''''''' returned she was Anna-Molly, genetically modified superhero. The Anomaly
''''''''''''''''' Program had worked, and now she was more than human. At her first
''''''''''''''''' public appearance after she came back, she announced to the world that
''''''''''''''''' she was going to use her new powers to defend the people of Crantel
''''''''''''''''' who had supported her through her transformation.

''''''''''''''''' Now, with the support of the Lazarus Corperation, Anna-Molly has begun
''''''''''''''''' to do her part to keep the streets of Crantel safe for you, the citizen.  
PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2012 7:15 pm
'''''''''' JULIAN ANTONELLI . . . . . . . . . . . . the boy behind the mask

'''''''''''' REAL NAME

''''''''''''''''' Julian Antonelli

'''''''''''' BIRTH CERTIFICATE

''''''''''''''''' Born Male, Thirteen Years Ago

'''''''''''' PERSONALITY
'''''''''''''''''
''''''''''''''''' Julian was never a particularly outgoing child. He always preferred the
''''''''''''''''' company of books to that of actual people and was thus limited socially
''''''''''''''''' to his sister and her friends. Sylvia, his sister, was also a much more
''''''''''''''''' forceful personality and was very good at getting him to do whatever it
''''''''''''''''' was she wanted. The upshot of this was that he had always been far
''''''''''''''''' more comfortable around girls than boys and could discuss feminine topics
''''''''''''''''' at much greater length than he could ever hope to tackle masculine ones.
''''''''''''''''' He could, by the age of ten, expertly apply makeup (to other people), hem
''''''''''''''''' skirts, and decorate cakes with the best of them. Despite all of this, he
''''''''''''''''' remained far to stony-faced and boring to ever be considered “girly”.

''''''''''''''''' Those people who actually managed to make past his ice-cool exterior,
''''''''''''''''' would discover him to be a very calculating and rational type of person.
''''''''''''''''' He put up with his sister’s constant domination over his life because he
''''''''''''''''' was able to figure out that fighting it just wasn’t worth the effort. For
''''''''''''''''' Julian, who cared very little for life outside his immediate world, family
''''''''''''''''' was the only thing that mattered. He would no absolutely anything for
''''''''''''''''' them, particularly his sister, and did, when he became Anna-Molly.

''''''''''''''''' Although he had quite a bit of experience with girly things, he was not
''''''''''''''''' quite prepared for what living as a girl half the time would actually mean.
''''''''''''''''' Boys made him uncomfortable because of their tendency to flirt with him,
''''''''''''''''' and he began to resent girls for actually enjoying being the way he was
''''''''''''''''' forced to act. As Anna-Molly he was required to be congenial and sweet to
''''''''''''''''' everyone, but underneath the mask he began to hate everyone (although
''''''''''''''''' it was more of a desperate rejection than a true loathing). It got to the
''''''''''''''''' point where he was hardly able to deal with anyone, thanks to the identity
''''''''''''''''' issues and general exhaustion brought on by life as Anna-Molly.

''''''''''''''''' Now Julian has a hard time determining where Anna-Molly stops and he
''''''''''''''''' begins. It probably would have driven him to some kind of crisis by this
''''''''''''''''' point if it hadn’t been for rational part of his mind that keeps reminding
''''''''''''''''' him that “eventually it has to end”.

'''''''''''' HISTORY

''''''''''''''''' There was a draw organized by the Lazarus corporation to decided who
''''''''''''''''' would be the first person to go through their new Anomaly Program. The
''''''''''''''''' lucky winner would, in addition to gaining super human powers, would
''''''''''''''''' become the new face of their genetic modification department. It was a
''''''''''''''''' very prestigious job, with quite a substantial paycheque. The twins’ mum
''''''''''''''''' and dad were against the idea of their kids participating – they weren’t
''''''''''''''''' rich by any means, but they weren’t materialistic enough to capitalize on
''''''''''''''''' their children – but Sylvia was adamant. She had always idolized people
''''''''''''''''' with super powers, and the fame and money were not exactly turn-offs
''''''''''''''''' in her book. Eventually her parents relented, but only because it was a
''''''''''''''''' near impossibility that their daughter would be chosen.

''''''''''''''''' She was. You could imagine their reaction when a representative from
''''''''''''''''' Lazarus Corp called their home, giving them the happy news. After that
''''''''''''''''' the Antonlelli household turned into a circus. Sylvia was being whisked
''''''''''''''''' away every other day for tests or interviews, and there was Julian was
''''''''''''''''' trying to stop her mother from having panic attacks. Sylvia was loving
''''''''''''''''' the attention, although they were all very grateful that Lazarus Co had
''''''''''''''''' done such a good job keeping her real name under wraps. When “the
''''''''''''''''' Anomaly Program lottery winner” started to become too inconvenient,
''''''''''''''''' the media had decided to start calling her “Anna”, which the execs at
''''''''''''''''' Lazarus were quick to pick up on and propagate.

''''''''''''''''' Things had finally started to settle into some kind of routine when
''''''''''''''''' Sylvia got sick. Weeks before she was supposed to start undergoing
''''''''''''''''' the Anomaly treatments she contracted a serious illness. It was not
''''''''''''''''' all that rare, and a cure did exist, but it was extremely expensive to
''''''''''''''''' treat. The worst part was, because of the illness, she would no longer
''''''''''''''''' be able to undergo the Program, which meant that Lazarus would not
''''''''''''''''' pay for her medical care, and without the money they were making
''''''''''''''''' from Sylvia’s job, they would not be able to afford it themselves. Just
''''''''''''''''' when things were looking their grimmest, however, Julian had an
''''''''''''''''' idea. He and his sister were twins; fraternal, obviously, but they were
''''''''''''''''' so similar that people were always mistaking one for the other. If his
''''''''''''''''' DNA was close enough to hers for her treatments to work on him,
''''''''''''''''' then he could take her place as “Anna”, and they would get enough
''''''''''''''''' money to save his sister.

''''''''''''''''' As it would turn out, his genetic structure was close enough for his
''''''''''''''''' plan to work, and Lazarus presented him as the newly transformed
''''''''''''''''' “Anna-Molly”. This had all gone down so quickly that very few people
''''''''''''''''' even within Lazarus were ever aware that there had been a switch,
''''''''''''''''' and those who did were legally gagged into secrecy. Julian effectively
''''''''''''''''' replaced his sister as spokesperson for the Anomaly Program, being
''''''''''''''''' dressed up and shown off at fundraisers and charity events, primped
''''''''''''''''' and posed for posters and TV spots, and generally used as a walking,
''''''''''''''''' talking, billboard. He was even, on occasion, allowed to participate in
''''''''''''''''' the occasional heroic endeavor (rescuing babies from burning buildings
''''''''''''''''' and what not) but only when his handlers could be sure that “she” was
''''''''''''''''' in no actual danger. It was an extremely frustrating time for Julian
''''''''''''''''' but he pulled through by reminding himself that he was doing it for his
''''''''''''''''' sister.


''''''''''''''''' It was the Captain himself who invited Anna-Molly to join Sidekick
''''''''''''''''' Academy. They had happened to both show up at the same emergency
''''''''''''''''' (another fire; they always made for good photographs) when he saw in
''''''''''''''''' “her” the potential for real good. When Sylvia found out, she was over
''''''''''''''''' the moon. She demanded that her brother accept the offer; the Captain
''''''''''''''''' had always been her favourite hero and she would have loved to have
''''''''''''''''' had this opportunity had things worked out different. Julian, although
''''''''''''''''' marginally against the idea of going, was powerless to resist his (still
''''''''''''''''' hospitalized) sister. The Lazarus Corporation agreed – better training
''''''''''''''''' meant less risk to their investment, and an affiliation with someone as
''''''''''''''''' high profile as the Captain could only do them good – so long as he
''''''''''''''''' would still be able to make all of her public appearances, and only if he
''''''''''''''''' would agree to maintain the “Anna-Molly” persona the entire time.

'''''''''''' APPEARANCE
'''''''''''''''''  

Andraia


Andraia

PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2012 7:16 pm
OOC NOTES
  • The original trio and the nurse no Anna-Molly's actual gender. No one else.
  • Anna-Molly has a full line of merchandise; costumes, plush toys, cosmetics, clothes, hair care, you name it.
  • His sister is still in the hospital, but she is almost entirely recovered and will be able to return home soon. Once she is strong enough (read: Sidekick level) she will take over many of ______'s public appearances as Anna-Molly, although they will obviously have to be very careful about which ones, since she does not have any super powers.
  • Lazarus has a TV show in the works.
 
PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2012 9:30 pm
I am going to go ahead and warn you this crit will not be helpful. Now on to the actual crit.

I love them. I have nothing bad to say about them at all. I just, I don't know what to say.
Avalbane is going to end up being a big fan of Anna-Mollys. Just so you know. XDD

Oh, but you might want to read over it again. I did see some spelling errors. Can't really recall where. >.>
 

laykein

Man-Hungry Sailor

15,700 Points
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Andraia

PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2012 11:14 pm
laykein


LOL! That's okay, I appreciate it all the same XD . I am in love with this concept
too, hehehe. Super awesome that she would have fans at the Academy. This thing
is riddled with spelling errors I am sure XD . It was never spell checked. /shotdead

 
PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2012 8:33 am
Hey there Andy~ *___*

Really well-thought out quest you've got here. Though I'm wondering a few things...
How does he feel about SA and hero-work? Is that something he actually wants to do eventually?
While he's at SA, will he have to keep dressing as a girl? I assume yes, just wanted to clarify. u__u b
How do his parents feel about him cross-dressing etc.?

I feel like something is missing, and I had thought of it while finishing up reading it but then when I clicked reply, it escaped me. /shakes fist
So when I think of it again, I'll let you know. lol.  

Shnazz
Crew


mori-zae
Crew

Dapper Codger

PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2012 12:35 am
good god i love this quest already. I can tell you right off the bat that Phoe will adore his little girl image and Binary will think he's a weirdo. also that fire scene thing you wrote gave me ideas ajdskajk

UM OK its looking good so far! I like how you plotted the poor guy's life and all, its exciting stuff * v*b
Just a couple of questions to move you along and clear up my confusion

His power is to supercharge items and they tend to explode (inconveniently) after he lets them go, right? So does his wand explode too? Or his fists?

Once his sister is well, what happens to him? You wrote that it will occur during Sidekick stage. Assuming she takes over where he left off, where does that leave him? Or will that remain a secret until then...

I think his personality section could do with a little more description, I'm especially curious because he's a guy who's doing girl things. He can do make up and hem skirts, but does he enjoy doing that? What sort of "guy" things are he into, if any? What sort of difficulties does he encounter as a cross dressing dude? Other than unwanted attention, that is 8D;  
PostPosted: Sun Oct 28, 2012 2:42 am
((I apologize for how awful this is going to be; I am dead tired.))

Shnazz
How does he feel about SA and hero-work? Is that something he actually wants to do eventually?

Hero work is not something he would have actually chosen to do, if he hadn't
been in this particular situation. He would probably have gone through school,
got a good degree, and ended up with some kind of office job. After going to
SA though, and seeing other people's motivations, and getting the "heroic feel
goods", he will probably be happy he got into it.

Quote:
While he's at SA, will he have to keep dressing as a girl? I assume yes, just wanted to clarify. u__u b
How do his parents feel about him cross-dressing etc.?

Yes, he will. It's part of his contract that he can't do anything that would risk
the truth getting out. His powers are visually distinctive (the things he powers
up glow) they said if he was going to go to a special school to train them, he
was going to have to do it in character.

mori-zae
good god i love this quest already. I can tell you right off the bat that Phoe will adore his little girl image and Binary will think he's a weirdo. also that fire scene thing you wrote gave me ideas ajdskajk

OuO <3 <3

Quote:
His power is to supercharge items and they tend to explode (inconveniently) after he lets them go, right? So does his wand explode too? Or his fists?

It's impossible for him to explode himself, because he has to loose contact
with the powered item in order for it to "violently discharge" OuO .

At rookie level, it would be really hard for him to make anything as big as
the wand actually explode. It will kind of pop and jump, but thankfully it was
designed to be able to survive a couple of accidental drops XD . It has a kind
of pellet/marble shooting feature, and she can coat those, so that they will
explode after she shoots them.

Quote:
Once his sister is well, what happens to him? You wrote that it will occur during Sidekick stage. Assuming she takes over where he left off, where does that leave him? Or will that remain a secret until then...

Even once she physically recovers, she will never be able to undergo the
treatment and get Anna-Molly's powers. What she will be able to do is take
over many of her public appearances (talk shows, photo shoots, etc). When
they do the TV show, she will probably be doing much of the actual filming.

Quote:
He can do make up and hem skirts, but does he enjoy doing that? What sort of "guy" things are he into, if any? What sort of difficulties does he encounter as a cross dressing dude? Other than unwanted attention, that is 8D;

He was actually kind of indifferent on the whole girly vs boy-y issue. Sylvia
was always the more dominate personality, and he kind of just... went with
it XD . He didn't really care what other people thought, and he didn't have
any positive or negative personal feels. He became a bit more sensitive on
the subject after spending weeks and weeks and weeks on end as Anna. He
never used to care for sports, but now he would probably jump on the chance
to play football or what have you. Because he doesn't just have to be a girl,
he has to be a "Girl" (which is to say, what add-execs think a girl is) (& also
what they think will market well). He has to giggle, and twirl, and all of those
other SHOJODESU things.

He used to be gruff and taciturn because he was... now he is gruff and
taciturn because he everything XD .

Deep down though, he doesn't really hate girly things, and once he gets past
his misguided hatred of all things girly, he will probably fall back into old his
old habits. He actually doesn't mind sewing/knitting/hair-braiding/nail-painting
/etc, and he takes pride in jobs well done.  

Andraia


K-Zap

Lonely Reveler

PostPosted: Tue Dec 04, 2012 12:44 pm
Critique para tu.

• Family
You've spoken plenty about his sister, but not much about the rest of his family. How does he keep Anna-Molly a secret? Did his family ever question why he spent so much time away from home? And does he just leave to SA, or does he make up an excuse for his absence?

• Personality
In the "the boy behind the mask" portion, I'm curious about what he really thinks when it comes to good and evil. Is he indifferent, does he consider why a bad-guy may be doing a crime, or does he actually fee like all crime is negative? That's all... Besides that, the personality description is nice and lengthy. haha

• Strengths&Weaknesses
You've listed some here, but I don't really know how skilled she is in battle. Nobody else seems to have a problem with it, but I feel like I need to know how well her close combat is in battle and how she may improve. What are her limits?

Overall, he's an interesting character and I love the concept, but you should consider adding these details to the profiles. I look forward to RPing with you if you're interested. smile
 
PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 11:10 am
K-Zap
Critique para tu.


Location :: I didn't read every single detail so I hope I didn't overlook this, but don't think any settings are mentioned. As I read through Anna's information, I had trouble imagining what kind of city in which she first became famous.
On a second note, how long did it take for her to become popular? Is she known all over the world, or just in nearby continents, or maybe just the one continent?


LazCo has offices all of the islands, so her face would be pretty well spread, but her popularity/fame is really centred in Crantel, which is where LazCo's head office is and where the Anomaly Program was based.


Family :: You've spoken plenty about his sister, but not much about the rest of his family. How does he keep Anna-Molly a secret? Did his family ever question why he spent so much time away from home? And does he just leave to SA, or does he make up an excuse for his absence?

______'s (he needs a name damn it) family is perfectly aware of his job as Anna-Molly. They had to sign the paperwork, ya know XD . His father feels a bit bad for him, his mother is just overcome by what he would do for his sister, and both of them are extremely proud of and grateful for him. They were filled in on what Sidekick Academy was and are perfectly okay with him being there.


Personality :: In the "the boy behind the mask" portion, I'm curious about what he really thinks when it comes to good and evil. Is he indifferent, does he consider why a bad-guy may be doing a crime, or does he actually fee like all crime is negative? That's all... Besides that, the personality description is nice and lengthy. haha

He is a bit young to have a particularly strong opinion on the matter, but as he would stand now, he is more of a "law and order" kind of guy, as apposed to a "justice and light". Because he is more of an intellectual than emotional person, he has a pretty black and white view of the world; you broke the law or you didn't. Once he gets into some proper crime fighting, and gets to see the more complicated side of things, his opinions may change.


Strengths&Weaknesses :: You've listed some here, but I don't really know how skilled she is in battle. Nobody else seems to have a problem with it, but I feel like I need to know how well her close combat is in battle and how she may improve. What are her limits?

"She" has had extensive combat training provided by LazCo. However, the things she was taught were meant to look good more than actually be effective. So basically, her fighting is very refined and very technical, but not necessarily any better than any other rookie's would be.


Overall, he's an interesting character and I love the concept, but you should consider adding these details to the profiles. I look forward to RPing with you if you're interested. smile

Thank you! I would certainly be interested in RPing with you if/when Anna-Molly makes her break ;D .
 

Andraia

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