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Catalytic Productions Captain
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 Posted: Mon Feb 15, 2010 11:27 am
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Posted: Mon Mar 01, 2010 4:59 pm
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Posted: Mon Mar 01, 2010 5:06 pm
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Lettered Pages
Experimental:
Page 4
Criticism:
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
I hate chemistry still. I still have one more quarter until the nonsense is over.
A few things. DD's bubble should be above Daisy's. Bubbles read up to down before left to right. Personally, I'd make their bubbles smaller too to kind of show their distance from the crowd of kids.
DD's text is too far to the right. Daisy's is a little to the right and a little too far down. Kid's big text is too far to the right.
Most of the text is kinda squarish/oblong and not circular. I wonder if that made sense. Take
| Quote: |
Did someone
say they
needed a
hero?? |
I'd have done it:
| Quote: |
Did
someone
say they needed
a hero?? |
And lastly, the spikeys on the edge of that bubble are too tiny. Maybe you should take one and make it larger? Not sure about that one yet. |
| enchantedsleeper Wrote: |
Aww, don't fret about it, Ben  It looks fine. I would just agree with Emi's comment about the size of Dominic and Daisy's speech bubbles - you could even get away with not having bubbles at all, I think, you know like how in manga there will often be people having conversations in the background in small, bubble-less text? You would only need to put a little line leading to the speaker to indicate who was talking.
As for the spiky bubble, would spikes all the way round work, or would they be too over-the-top? |
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
| You can easily use the marquee tool (hit m) to select what you want to edit and make the edits then. The text should all be on separate layers (since that's how text rolls), so it should be fine. And with the spikeys, you can just lay new bigger ones right over it. |
Page 4 Redo
| Kyousouka Wrote: |
| I don't know what's going on, but I really think the bubbles need to have thicker outlines. The outlines of panels, bubbles, and similar things should not be thinner than the most common lines in the art. In the case of that page, that means they should be pretty thick. |
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
What Kyou said.
I also can't read what DD's saying. Put a white outline around it. I also think the spikes are centered too far out of the bubble, so it looks a bit weird, and the big text in the second bubble should be shifted down a smudge. |
Page 7
Criticism:
Emi: Good job with p7, except "You're not blah blah blah" isn't centered in the bubble. (And the text before that is kinda large in comparison to the bubble.) I think "You" should be angrier. Your call how you want to play that one up.
I can go make a thread for your lettered pages.
Inny tails... get on your mac and we'll do the weird screen sharing thing again and I can show you. (Apparently it's an ichat thing.) If not, then I'll just take a video of it.
Enchanted: To Emi's comments I will also add... PUNCTUATION! You need full stops after the 'YOU' and 'ME'. Oh, and after the 'I do'. And yes, I agree that the 'YOU' and 'ME' should be bolded, and perhaps italicise the 'I' of 'I do'. But overall, great job. ^^
P.S. Why yes I did realize I should have use quotes instead of the blue red thing with page 7...
Page 7 Redo
| enchantedsleeper Wrote: |
| Page 7 is looking good! Much kudos to you for actually doing stuff - I need to get off my butt and carry on script-writing XD |
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
Page 7 is looking pretty good. The only thing I have to say (and it's just one thing, so good job) is that I the the I in I do should be bolded. The italics seems too... subtle?
I really like that the outlines of the bubbles are kind of thick and match the inking.  |
Page 8
Paeg 8 with more circular text
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
Ben, the page is looking pretty good. My suggestion for the bubble: why not leave it out? Make the text a bit smaller so it's like a side note thing? Also, a lot of your text is very uncircular (if you know what I mean). The middle line of text should generally be longer than the others. |
| enchantedsleeper Wrote: |
| @Ben: Page 8 looks good too ^^ But the one thing I would say about the second panel, where Dominic has fallen over, is that there's nothing to denote who's saying what, just two sets of free-floating speech. It might not be that hard to work out, but for the sake of clarity, could you make Dominic's dialogue closer to him? I also feel like it should be bigger since it's supposed to be a dramatic exclamation, and with some words in bold for added emphasis - 'My eyes! My beautiful eyes!' Maybe you could put the 'NO!' in the last panel in a shouting speech bubble, too? After all, Eric's teatowel is in danger. Let's have some anguish! |
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
Your first, second, and last bubble are not pure white. The text seems better, but third bubble's text is very squared to me. I'm sure you can pull it off in three lines. Second bubble's text is tilted? I'd also make the side text tinier.
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Page 9 version 1
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
| For your lettered page, I think the text should be bigger, and you should add in a sound effect for the towel snappage. |
| enchantedsleeper Wrote: |
@Ben: With regards to page 9, I think the lettering should really be bolded and italicised, to make it look more menacing. Also, the spikes on the speech bubble don't look right; they look like the bubble is trying out a spiky new hairstyle. In my opinion if a speech bubble is going to be spiky, it should all be spiky, as opposed to this combination of curved lines and spikes which just looks like the spikes have been tacked on as an afterthought. It doesn't give the right impact.[/size] |
Pg 9 redo
| enchantedsleeper Wrote: |
The page is almost there, but I still don't think the speech bubble looks quite right; it shouldn't have any round bits showing at all. Also, should we replace the exclamation mark with a full stop for added menace? |
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
| Also the "snap" should be larger, more menacing, and probably curved to some extent. You can do it. I believe in you. (Oh and change the font to something more snappy.) |
Other redos of pg 9
http://i755.photobucket.com/albums/xx198/grimben/ddp9redoxx.jpg - warping
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
I was thinking a warp like arc so that the snap kinda arcs across the bubble or something?
And man, you're the letterist. Shouldn't this be your job?
This might be a good one. Just take a look at fonts and see what screams sfx to you (or google what other people use).
|
http://i755.photobucket.com/albums/xx198/grimben/ddp9redoxx1.jpg feast of flesh font
Emi's version:
Best version of page 9?
| enchantedsleeper Wrote: |
]Ah, I really like this version :3 Nice one, Grim! It only took... how many tries? xD
|
Page 10 v1
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
| I think it's ok, except the two bubbles in the first "panel" should be more separated, and the "NOOOOOOO" should span the whole background of the panel vs in the bubble. |
Page 10 v2
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
Too hurt by my comments? lol. 
I think the tails are fine actually. I only have one nitpick (which is good for you) and that is that I think the Nooooooo~ should be larger (and perhaps a few more ooooooo's?)
Good job.
Actually, looking at it again, I think the tails should be adjusted a little so they point towards the mouth instead of the head in general. |
Page 10 v3
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
| Better. I think you should flip the distortion of the nooooo because right now it feels like the ooooo is louder than the no. I also feel like the text in the first panel should be larger. |
| enchantedsleeper Wrote: |
| Still, here I am now, so feel free to throw everything at me and I'll do my best to respond to it all. Grim, I like the look of the latest page, though I agree with Emi about flipping the distortion. (That sounds much cooler than the way I might have said it xD) I also wonder... is there any way we can join together those two speech bubbles or just have one? Because at the moment, there's a pause in the middle of the dialogue caused by the ellipsis and the beginning of a new speech bubble, and it interrupts the flow of his anguished outburst. If you could manage to merge those into one speech bubble, positioned where the second one is (below Eric's head), you'd have more room for the 'NOOOOOO!' across the top too. Make sense? |
Page 11
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
I like some of the bolding, but I feel like they get too extensive towards the end where every few words is bold.
Have you considered using Small Caps? It's a tad distracting when everything is caps and the same size like so. Check out small caps.
There's also a grey line down one side which is probably my fault, so if you could get rid of it for me, awesome.
Good job with the tails this time. |
| enchantedsleeper Wrote: |
@Ben: I agree with Emi about the excessive bolding in that page; it's one of the things that annoys me about superhero comics, where practically every other word has emphasis, and it gets really annoying. Do people talk like this normally? I don't think so.
But yeah, some of it works; I just think you should get rid of the bolding on 'Daisy' and 'Miles' in panel 3, and 'pyramid' in panel 4. |
Page 12
| enchantedsleeper Wrote: |
| Nice work, but could you bold and italicise the word 'GO!'? Considering it's supposed to be loud enough to make birds fly out of the trees. |
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
Text needs to be bigger. Especially first panel and last considering how much space I left for the text when storyboarding.
Also, "Get set" should be at the bottom of the row of panels for balance sake. |
DD pg 12
| enchantedsleeper Wrote: |
I'm not keen on the new lettering, except for the word 'GO!', which looks fine. But the new small caps look too small to me, and I dislike the way that every word starts with a large capital. We Don't Normally Capitalise Every Word In Normal Speech Now, Do We? Also, you need a comma after 'players'. |
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
Yeah, I'd like for someone to complete Butterfliy's Delight in one go too. It's there for that sole reason of being short after all.
And yes, text needs to be larger (still/again). |
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Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2010 7:24 pm
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Script
| Quote: |
Panel 1: A small strip-panel showing an ordinary/stereotypical city. (High-rise buildings, cars, pedestrians). In the corner of the panel is a caption bearing the city name and location. (E.g. Cappuccino City, New York, USA)
Panel 2: Shot of an ordinary public playground, taking up the rest of the page. It is surrounded by a fence, with a gate to enter by. Next to the gate, a sign is nailed onto the fence. Inside the playground, there is a climbing-frame with a slide, swings, a sandpit, some hopscotch squares on the ground, etc. There are one or two children sitting listlessly on the swings; one child is building sandcastles in the sandpit; there is a boy building a domino run in the middle of the playground, and a huddled group of children are standing around talking quietly. There is a subdued atmosphere about the place.
In the corner of the panel is a caption with the name of the park.
Page 2
Panel 1: Close-up of the sign nailed to the fence. It reads:
THIS PARK IS THE LEGAL PROPERTY OF MR D. DOMINO.
RULES:
- NO FRIVOLOUS BEHAVIOUR
- NO SHOUTING, RUNNING OR FIGHTING
- NO ACTS OF HEROISM
- NO DOMINOES
In the corner of the panel is a caption bearing the date.
Panel 2: A close-up of the domino run. We see the boy’s hand extending into the panel, placing a domino. A shadow has fallen over the dominoes, and one of the dominoes on the end has fallen over. There is a small bubble containing a question mark, to show the boy’s confusion. The corner of the panel has a caption with the time.
Panel 3: In the corner of the panel is a speech bubble saying, “Hey, you.” The boy is frozen in fear, his eyes wide as he looks up, with a small bead of sweat sliding down the side of his head. He is shaking.
Panel 4: A single speech bubble.
Dominic Domino: What are you doing, building dominoes…
Panel 5: A large shot of Dominic Domino, with his bodyguard standing right behind him. Both look angry and intimidating.
D.D.: … in my park?
Page 4
PANEL 1: Fairly large panel (half a page?). The watching kids from the previous page stand in a huddle on the playground. In the background, Dominic is sitting on the swing with Daisy just behind him.
(Dominic: Push me on the swing, Daisy.
Daisy: Yes, master Dominic.)
Kid 1 (the young girl): This sucks. We can’t do anything now that Dominic owns this playground.
Kid 2 (the older boy): Yeah, but the last thing we need is for some idiot to try and stand up to him. That’d just—
PANEL 2: Shows the hem of Eric’s cape, and his legs and boots.
Eric: Did someone say they needed a hero??
PANEL 3: Half-body shot of Kid 2, looking irritated.
Kid 2: No, actually we—
PANEL 4: Same as panel 3, but with an expression of shock on Kid 2’s face.
Page 5
PANEL 1: Full-page shot of Eric, resplendent in his teatowel cape and eyemask. The cape flutters dramatically in the wind. Above him are the comic title and part.
Page 6
PANEL 1: Dominic stands up from the swing, staring at Eric in fury. Behind him, Daisy has caught the swing in his hands.
Dominic: YOU.
PANEL 2: Eric stands with his feet apart, hands on hips, in an ‘impressive’ pose.
Eric: ME.
PANEL 3: Shows Dominic standing in front of the swing with his arms folded, and Eric from behind.
Dominic: What are you doing here? You’re not welcome in my public park.
Eric: Says who?
Dominic: I do.
PANEL 4: Shows chibi versions of Dominic and Eric, holding a staring contest, with lightning crackling between them.
PANEL 5: Dominic reels backwards as his eyes are hit with the lightning, his sunglasses flying off.
Dominic: Aaaagh!
PANEL 6: Dominic is lying on his back on the ground with an arm thrown over his eyes,
Dominic: MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES! YOU BURNED THEM!
Eric: I’m sorry... I didn’t mean to!
PANEL 7: Dominic has sat back up and put his sunglasses back on.
Dominic: Your apologies are no match for my ego. Daisy, you know what to do.
PANEL 8: Daisy produces a blow dryer and tests it on one hand, smiling grimly.
Daisy: Yes, my master.
PANEL 9: Shows Daisy’s hand snatching Eric’s teatowel from around his neck.
Eric: NO!
PANEL 10: Daisy blow-dries the towel, which becomes extremely dry and straight.
PANEL 11: Daisy breaks it in half and throws it on the floor.
Daisy: I shall break it like a twig.
PANEL 12: Eric falls to his knees crying.
Eric: NOOO! NEVER AGAIN SHALL I BE ABLE TO SWOOP DOWN UPON VILLIANS WITH MY CAPE MAJESTICALLY FLAPPING IN THE SUMMER BREEZE!
PANEL 13: Miles and a bystander are talking.
Bystander: Was the towel really special to him?
Miles: No, until now it was collecting dust in his kitchen.
PANEL 14: Close-up of Eric’s knees, with his clenched fists resting on them.
Eric: Dominic Domino, I challenge you to a duel.
PANEL 15: Eric gets to his knees and stands facing Dominic. (This might take two panels).
Eric:Who will be your second, to take over in case of death?
Dominic: I choose Daisy.
Eric: And I choose Miles.
PANEL 16: Half-body shot of Eric.
Eric: It will be a test of speed and skill. We will each build a pyramid of dominoes. The first to complete the building is the winner.
PANEL 17: Half-body shot of Dominic.
Dominic: My life has been leading up to this moment. All my training... it all comes down to this. I won’t lose!
PANEL 18: Same as panel 20, but with Eric and Dominic kneeling. Miles is standing to the side, halfway between the two.
Miles: Dominoers (domineers?), take your marks.
PANEL 19: Split diagonally in half, each half showing a close-up of either Eric or Dominic producing a case of dominoes from a pocket/bag.
PANEL 20: Close-up of Miles.
Miles: Get set…
PANEL 21: Same as panel 24, but showing each taking the lid off their domino case.
PANEL 22: Shows a tree-top with a flock of birds rising from it OR a dramatic bird’s-eye view of the whole playground.
Miles: GO!
PANEL 23: Lindsay is entering the playground by the gate, with Lila just behind her.
Lindsay: Looks like something’s going on over there!
PANEL 24: Close-up profile of Lila squinting into the distance.
Lila: Hey, Lindsay…
PANEL 25: Shot of Eric, as seen from a fair distance away, the beginnings of a pyramid in front of him.
Lila (speech bubble in a corner): Isn’t that the guy you like?
Text above or below Eric: The hair is recognisable even from a distance.
PANEL 26: Lindsay from the waist upwards, facing sideways, with clasped hands and hearts for eyes.
Lindsay: OMG, IT IS!!
PANEL 27: Lindsay rushes up to Eric (maybe shown over two panels?)
Lindsay: Um... excuse me...
PANEL 28: Lindsay from the waist upwards, with an expression like this: icon_blaugh.gif The rest of the panel is filled with text (no speech bubble).
Lindsay: Hi my name is Lindsay Morgan I'm in eighth grade my star sign is Pisces I love kittens and puppies and shopping and I'm trying out for the cheerleading squad next year! What's your star sign I'm sure it must be compatible with mine and I love your hair so much it's super sexy!!
PANEL 29: Eric continues building the pyramid (he has made a little progress with it), clearly ignoring her.
PANEL 30: Lindsay has sunk to her hands and knees, tears pouring down her face.
Lindsay: He... he's not even listening to me...
PANEL 31: Lindsay in the same pose, this time with Lila’s hand on her shoulder.
Lila: Don't worry, Lindsay.
PANEL 32: Lila is shown from the hips upwards, light streaming out from behind her head. A disproportionate amount of detail has gone into drawing her hair and eyes, and her hair is blowing in a mysterious breeze. She is wearing a kindly, almost angelic expression.
Lila: You know as well as I do that men have the attention span of a lightning bolt. You need something that will attract his attention. Let him know how you feel!
PANEL 33: Lindsay is kneeling upright, her fists clenched in determination.
Lindsay: You're right! I'll be right back!!
Panel 1: Trumpets either side of the panel with musical notes coming out of them, and a speech bubble in the middle.
Lindsay: Attention everyone!!
Panel 2: A single speech bubble.
Lindsay: Introducing...
Panel 3: The giant gumball is resting on top of a hill (which has appeared out of nowhere), an effervescent glow around it. On the gumball is engraved "I LOVE YOU".
Lindsay: The world's BIGGEST GUMBALL!
Panel 4: The ball begins to roll down the hill.
Panel 5: Hero, Sidekick and Dominic Domino are frozen in shock/fear, kneeling amongst a half-constructed domino run.
Daisy (from off-panel): No! Master Dominic!
Panel 6: Daisy, shown from the front, is standing in front of the three boys, with dramatic lines radiating out from him. (You know the kind I mean). He has drawn his gun and is pointing it at the gumball (not shown).
Panel 7: Bullet holes appear in the gumball, but it keeps rolling. SFX: Some kind of shooting sound effects – BLAM, BLAM!
Panel 8: Eric, Miles, Daisy and Dominic, drawn in simplified style, dive away from the gumball as it flattens the half-built pyramids, sending dominoes flying everywhere.
Panel 9: Lindsay is standing on top of the hill, beaming.
Lindsay: Now he's bound to know how I feel!
Panel 10: Eric, Miles, Daisy and Dominic are kneeling amongst the ruins of the pyramids. Eric is on his hands and knees, Miles is flat on his back with swirly eyes, and Dominic is just sitting there whilst Daisy gathers up his dominoes for him.
Panel 11: Dominic is getting to his feet.
Dominic: Well, it looks as if our match is postponed for now. Let's go, Daisy.
Panel 12: Close-up on Eric, who is in the same pose as panel 10.
Hero: H-how...who...?
Panel 13: Lindsay as seen from Eric's point of view (i.e. from below), shown from the knees upwards and looking delighted.
Lindsay: Did you like my present?
Panel 14: Eric looking furious, dirt smudges all over his face and fugly hair in disarray, a large vein popping on his forehead.
Eric: You IDIOT! You ruined the most important domino match of the CENTURY! And I don't even LIKE gumballs!!
Panel 15: Eric storms off. Lindsay, shown from behind, watches him go.
Lindsay: He… he…
Panel 15: Lindsay from the waist up, her hands clasped and her eyes large and exaggerated.
Lindsay: He spoke to me!
Panel 16: Lila is suddenly standing behind Lindsay, who still has a starry-eyed look on her face.
Lila: That’s great, Lindsay. Now all you need is one final, amazing stunt to win him over!
Lindsay: Oooh... I know just the thing...
Panel 17: Lila turns and winks at Miles, who has now sat up behind her.
Lila: Hey, cutie.
Panel 18: Miles stares strangely at her.
Miles: Er… are you supposed to be some kind of mage…?
Panel 19: Waist-up of Lila, who is suddenly angry.
Lila: Of course not! These are my normal clothes!
Panel 20: Lila seizes Lindsay’s wrist and pulls her away; Lindsay is still in a complete daze, with hearts floating around her head.
Lila: Come on, Lindsay.
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Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 9:49 am
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Winter 10-11 Editing
Page 4
Criticism:
| enchantedsleeper Wrote: |
Now I'll return the favour with some comments on your page :3 I agree that the "push me on the swing" is a little high up, and also the fact that it has an invisible outline (there's no actual outline but you can see where it cuts across the scenery) is a bit strange. I think a little of the background should be restored so that it comes closer to the text. Also, you're missing full stops (period points) after 'Yes, Master Dominic.' and 'This sucks.'. But I think the spiky bubble looks all right, actually. It is meant to be over-dramatic xD |
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
| I feel like the "push me daisy" is too high up. The spiky balloon also feels too spiky? |
Note to self: (though I am a bit worried that it will be difficult to fix the invisible outline of DD's text. hopefully I stuck it on a different layer).
| enchantedsleeper Wrote: |
Well if you can't fix the invisible outline thing I'm sure Emi could.
Haha, I'm now imagining a little toddler running up to the chess board and moving the rook around XD That would be hilarious! We should totally do that as an outtake. |
Page 4 redo
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
| DD and Daisy's text is still hard to read. Outline? |
Page 7
Page 8:
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
| Page 8 is pretty good. I'm impressed by your arcing of the text. Though, apply a white outline around it. It's kind of hard to read as is. Also, your speech bubbles aren't white. If you look at the last one, you can tell the spikes from the bubble. The bubble is slightly greyer. The bubble feels very uneven too, so if you could just make the oval larger (and encompass the two tiny spikes up top so they don't show), that should fix it. Also, your text is off center (most noticibly, "AAAAGH!"). |
Page 8 redo
| Emihaumut Wrote: |
Your bubbles have become pixellated and therefore undesirable. Huh... The panels aren't black, but that may be my fault. Not sure I'm liking the brushed effect.
Why can't you do an outline? Stroke should do just fine for it. |
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