Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
10:00am

This wondrous morning saw Santa Claus in all his glory, arrive at the Arctic facility's auditorium to give a speech to all of the workers. The following is the transcript from his highly motivational speech:

"My fellow elves,

The past few weeks have been very tragic. The incident in Gambino's mansion, the botched Halloween festivities of the one we call JACK and his assault on my press conference -- all of these events served as a shocking reminder of the potential for hurt and pain in this world--

BUT WE SURVIVE.

Despite all of the evil machinations of this world, despite all of the greed and the suffering in this world we call GAIA--

WE SURVIVE.

And despite Jack's cowardly attempt at my life--

I SURVIVE.

I live today as a symbol. A symbol of GOOD. For it is I, for it is US, that reward those who are good every year with one simple thing--

A GIFT.

It is not important what this gift is, for the gift is merely a symbol. A symbol to those who are GOOD to continue what they are doing. For it is the good who make life worth living every day.

But who says we can't make it the coolest symbol there ever was? That's right my fellow elves! Let's work extra hard this winter to make the ultimate gift! If you feel that something is weird or strange, throw those feelings away! We are here to make gifts! No matter how suspicious, how dangerous, how life threatening the process--

WE WILL RISE TO THE OCCASION!!

AND WE WILL KEEP QUIET ABOUT IT!!

MY FELLOW ELVES, SAY IT WITH ME!!!

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!!!!!!!!!

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!!!!!!!!!

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!!!!!!!!!"

Santa proceeded to exit the auditorium as the elves continued to cheer.