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 Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2009 12:28 pm
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If you do happen to decide to read this, please read the entire thing. I don't want anyone to misunderstand anything.
I know that this guild hasn't had too much action lately, but I have no where else to post. The last time I posted in the Public Forums, my girlfriend (well, now ex-girlfriend) saw it. 
Anyway, I've had a lot of things on my mind that I haven't really talked to too many people about, and I wanted to write about it here. I can't ever talk to my family about these kinds of things, because all they do is tell me the same stupid things.  You don't have to give advice or anything, or even respond. Although it would be nice if you did that, I really just need someone to listen.
*Ahem*
So then, here's what I have to say:
[Just so everyone knows: We're both in college. I'm 19, and she's 18.]
So, my girlfriend broke up with me on Saturday...I think. Or was it Monday...I dunno, the way it happened was really confusing. confused
Well, from my girlfriends side—and of course I'm paraphrasing, so I may be wrong in some aspects—she said that she lost her feelings for me. She said she's been having these thoughts for a long time now, but that she just kept pushing them to the back of her head and ignoring them, until she finally came to the realization that if she continued the relationship, she'd be lying to both herself and myself. She felt that she started dating me out of loneliness, and the fact that she didn't have too many friends at school at the time. 
On my side, well, the break-up kinda came out of nowhere. We'd have been together for 6 months next Monday (the 20th). It was just two weeks ago that that we had a blast pulling pranks on her friends for April Fool's Day. And just the week before that, we had an awesome date at the park, where she told me that she hadn't that much fun in a long time. Heck, she even wrote in her journal that day saying that she always has fun when she's with me. I don't get it. neutral
Anyway, we just recently had our spring break last week from the 6th (Mon) to the 10th (Fri). Over that time, we wanted to make plans to see each other, but in the beginning, different things prevented us from doing that, such as her being with her sister, or my grandma giving me chores up the butt. 
We go to the same church youth group every Wednesday night, so while I was on a bus, she sends me a text telling me that she won't be there that night because she is sick. So, being her boyfriend, I text her back saying something like, "Hey, how about I come over and take care of my lady?" but she was completely against it. She even called me soon to specifically say, "Don't come over." Ok, ok, I got it. Later on, she told me that she considered that an argument. I honestly didn't think of that as an argument, just a simple disagreement was all, ya know? neutral
So then later on that night she calls me back, and everything is cool. We laughed it off, and then talked how we normally do. biggrin
On Thursday, we had an argument. I was wound up because for the entirety of the spring break, we hadn't gotten to see each other once. That and the fact that I was completely stressed out with my workload for that week*, I kinda took it out on her. We ended up firing mean words at each other, and then we hung up. Later on in the night, when I was able to think more clearly, I realized that I was wrong in taking out my frustrations on her like that, and I sent her a text telling her that I realized that, and that I wanted to apologize for my wrongdoing.
*NOTE: As for the work, I was helping my younger brothers out with their senior projects. They're these projects that the high school makes all senior do, and if you don't do it, you don't graduate. Simply as that. You could have a 4.0 GPA, but no project, no diploma. Needless to say, yeah, that's something you might want to get done.
When I called her Friday night to apologize verbally, everything was fine until we got into a stupid argument over a pokémon. Yes, that's what it says. A freakin' pokémon. While the issue was deeper, I had a hard time figuring out how to tell her how I was feeling. But of us are the same in the sense that we need time to think about the "who/what/where/when/why" of the anger, or else we can't think straight. But instead of doing that, we kept going. Eventually, we were able to figure out how stupid we were being, and ended the phone call on good terms. 
Then Saturday came.
I get a message on Gaia from my girlfriend's sister telling me to call her. So I do, and she tells me that she saw the thread I posted earlier about last night's debate where I asked for advice on the issue. She then told me that she had a list of things that she felt were wrong in our relationship, and that we needed to fix. It was a lot to swallow because it was all so much at once, so I asked her to give me a couple of minutes to digest it. (No pun intended. No, seriously, but hey, I guess it worked. xd )
So I call her back, and for a while, things seem to go wonderfully. We talked like we hadn't talked in a long time, and we got deep into issues that were in our relationship and we solved problems that both of us had been keeping on the inside for so long. I even started writing down my own list, noting all of the ideas we had come up with. smile
We talked about stuff like:
1) No More Talking About Exes
We had a huge tendency to talk about our exes, even if it was constructive for each other. 
2) We Should Talk About Ourselves More
Other than "How was your day?" our conversation seemed to always trail off into what our friends were doing with their lives. smile
3) No More Touching Her Butt/Boobs sweatdrop
Yeah, I know, this is kind of embarrassing for me, considering that I'm not that kind of guy, but I had my reasons. I explained to her that she was always telling me things about her ex (hence, the first thing on the list), like how he was passive, and how she wished he would just be a little more aggressive and surprising, and that she wouldn't mind "a little [romance] once in a while." So one day, when I felt she was getting bored, I grabbed her one. Her response was always something like, "Oh, you," or "Oh, [my name]," but she never really told me to stop until while she was breaking up with me. Yeah, thanks. As far as I knew, she liked it, considering that...well, no, that's not too fair to her for me to share certain things. I'll keep that to myself. confused Besides, this isn't meant to bash her. I don't want to do that.
Anyway, I thought that we had come to a resolution, and that we were both prepared to steer our relationship into a better direction...except she drops the bomb. She wants to break up. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was confused. We just spent the last half hour completely reforming our relationship, so what happened?
Well, like I said up above, she'd been having doubts about our relationship altogether. I told her that we should pray about it, and talk to our youth group leader before any rash decisions were made. We used to pray together every night, but one day we just stopped, and that's the relationship started heading the wrong way. I suggested that we start again, but she didn't think it would do anything. She told me that she even looked for me to slip-up, or cheat on her to give her a reason to break up with me, but she couldn't find any, so I guess she just ended it regardless. It was getting late, so we decided to get off the phone. She asked me if I wanted to continue talking about it the next day (Easter), and I said yes, but in reality, I already knew what was coming. sad
Sunday came, and I was a wreck. xd That's the thing about break-ups, they send you to Bizarro World. Everything is upside-down, your favorite food is disgusting... You could watch the funniest thing in the world and not so much as smirk. And the worst part? EVERYTHING reminds you of them. Geez, even when we went out to dinner for Easter, there was a red scooter parked outside. She drives a red scooter, so... yeah, I know, right?
I had no plans to call her that day, I can admit. I really didn't need to continue to hear that stuff, so I kept distracting myself. Then I get a text from her saying that she'll be out that night, but that she'll call me when she can. I was like, "What the hell else could she possibly want to say to me?" Nevertheless, I told her that was fine. neutral
She didn't call. I didn't care.
On Monday, school starts up again after Spring Break was over. We both are in the same English class, and it's our first class in the morning, and I really wasn't in the mood to see her again, so I ditched and went to the cafeteria. Lo and behold, there she is. I say hi, and she asks if we can talk. I'm trying to figure out what this could possibly be about. We go outside, and she tells me that she talked to a lady at the church who helped her figure out what she wanted.
And she dumped me. Again. With a Bible verse. Kinda.
Miss Scarlet. In the lounge. With the crow bar.
Ouch. gonk My words barely dribbled out of my mouth into some incoherent spit. I bet I looked real stupid.
I tried to give her a hug, but she just sat there. While I was finishing up my last words, she walked away, and I had to tell her that I wasn't done yet. Then she just stared at me, before leaving again.
She said she would stay away from the cafeteria for a while. That's where my friends and I normally hang out, and she wanted me to have their support, but I never told anyone anything until yesterday (Wednesday). She sat with them and told them what happened, so in turn, they asked me for my side of the story.
I found it strange that all of them responded with the same unanimous conclusion especially since some of them weren't even around to hear what others thought about it.
All in all, she gone now, and I'm gonna miss her, but there's simply no reason in loving someone who doesn't love you back. Then again, I guess God does that all the time, huh? confused
Anyway, thanks for reading. I know I'm probably gonna get a lot of TL;DR's but I can understand. I just had to get that all out.
I'm alright now, but what do you guys think?
Can this be saved?
Should it be saved?
Should we still be friends?
Was it all my fault?
Words of wisdom?
Any comments/advice/anything would be much appreciated.
- Kazydai
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Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2009 9:27 pm
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TL, DR.
haha, just kidding. actually you kept it pretty interesting, it was worth reading. I guess the only advice I can give is that, that's how relationships work most of the time. You really can never know what the other person is thinking until you've spent a lot of time with them, as in, more than two years; and even then they can be full of surprises. It actually sounds like you guys ended on pretty good terms, at least it seems that way from your description of it. In any case, it could have been a lot worse, so that's good.
I can't tell you definitively what you should do, but just going by what I can tell from your description, I'd say you shouldn't try to save it; you should let it go. It wasn't your fault, it just sounds like you aren't what she's looking for. She probably doesn't even know exactly what she's looking for; I'm assuming she hasn't been in very many long-term relationships since she's only 18. But that's besides that point. She didn't give you any good reasons for why she broke up with you because she probably doesn't really even know how to describe it to herself; you just aren't what she's looking for, and it's not that anything is wrong with you or that you did anything wrong.
You should always keep the door open to still be friends, but don't count on being really close friends, I have never known that to happen. Still, definitely make an effort to keep things friendly with her because it can save a lot of awkwardness; and who knows, you may end up staying good friends.
Try to act towards her as if the break up was a completely mutual agreement, that you both came to the decision together and so you are completely fine with it. That will minimize any awkwardness between you, and keeping that mindset as a guideline will help you to decide how much friendliness and how much distance you should be giving her. Obviously, you shouldn't be always hanging around her or trying to make her like you again, but on the other hand, one of the worst things for a girl is if a guy she broke up with is visibly avoiding her, or acting like he doesn't want to "bother" her. If you act as though the break-up was a mutual agreement, it keeps you from going wrong in either direction of overly close or awkwardly distant.
Of course, if she actually does come to you or gives you an indication that she wants to get back in a relationship, then that will be your call on what to do. I just wouldn't try on my own to make that happen, and I wouldn't get my hopes up that it will happen. It just sounds like you're not the type that she wants to have a long term relationship with, and if that's the case, then it really is in your own best interest to not stay with her. In the end, you wouldn't be any happier with the relationship than she would be.
In my experience it's most often the girl that does the dumping in a serious relationship that seems to be going well to the other person. That doesn't mean it's always the guy's fault, it just means girls are probably better at knowing when a relationship isn't for the best. So, if you respect her, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt on it and agree that breaking up was for the best.
We can fall in love with anyone if we allow ourselves to, but there's a lot more to love and a long term relationship than that romantic feeling. The fact is, you two probably could continue having a relationship, because any two nice people can successfully have a relationship, if they are committed to it, and you both seem to be nice people. But just because you two could do it, doesn't mean she is the best one for you.
Your feelings remain for her, I'm sure, but they will pass; and you will be a wiser person for this all, and better equipped to have a successful relationship next time. Your love wasn't wasted, you have grown from it and I'm sure she did, too. And you are wise to point out that God loves people who don't always show love back. Any experience of unrequited love is best learned from if we use it to understand better how God feels about us when we disregard him. The most important relationship is the one we have with God. No relationship on earth is wasted, no matter how it turns out, if we use it to help us understand and improve our relationship with him.
That's the best I can offer, sorry if it was perhaps too blunt, but I want to be honest because I have definitely been there more than once. Hope it helps.
btw, I just have a morbid curiosity about what Bible verse she used... lol. I assume it's personal since you didn't say what it was, but hey, I at least have to ask, in case there's nothing particularly personal about it.
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Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2009 11:51 pm
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First off, I'd like to say thanks for advice Crimson Raccoon. I appreciate that you read the entire thing, and gave input as such. Normally, when there's a post as long as this, people just skim the first paragraph, and then give advice based on that. I'm also glad that you enjoyed reading it. Whenever I write something this long, I try to do things that will hold one's interest. xd
I liked the advice that you gave, and it really made sense. I'm was kind of okay before, in the sense that I'm taking this a lot better than any other break-up I've been in, but now I'm feeling a whole lot better. Yeah, I wish that she and I could still be together, but it not what she wants at the moment, so I have no choice but to keep moving forward. I'm not going to forget her, though, lol. You just can't really forget girls like her. confused
Something I'd like to touch on, though, is that she often talked about being too afraid to get close to someone. She was always fearful that someone would hurt her. She told me many times that "everyone in your life will always disappoint you at some point or another." You'd think it was her motto or something. I'd hate to see her like that, so I'd always try to be her cheerful and supportive half, but I guess I didn't do it right, I dunno.
Our youth pastor used to draw a pyramid and put God on the top, and our names on the side and tell us that "the closer you get to God, the closer you get to each other," and I though that was really good advice, but I guess her feelings wanted something else.
I think this could possibly be a case of attack before they attack you, ya know? I think she pushed me away before I got the chance to push her away. I think she was just waiting for me to hurt her, and in order to protect herself, she distanced herself from me.
I can see where she might be coming from, though. Sometimes when you've been in so many sub-par relationships or situations in your life, and then you get into a new place where things are finally going good for once, you freak out. You over-analyze it instead of just letting it happen, and in the end, you just end up sabotaging yourself.
Any input on that? confused
(Oh yeah, as for the Bible verse, I really don't remember it. I think it was in 1John, though.)
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Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 7:53 pm
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There's not much I can say with any certainty about those details since, of course, I've never met the girl. It seems doubtful to me that the reason she broke up is because she's afraid of getting close, but who can know for sure? She did say that she was waiting for you to slip-up or cheat on her or something, but that probably wasn't because she was expecting you to do that; it sounds more like it would have been easier on her if you had done something wrong so she'd have a good excuse to break up with you.
By this I mean, that at some point she realized that you just aren't the type of person she wants to have a long-term, intimate relationship with. But at the same time, she didn't want to hurt you because you're a nice guy and she does genuinely have fun being with you. If you had done something majorly wrong, like cheating, it would have made it easier on her to break up with you because she could have justified why she was going to hurt you in that way. And in a way, it would have been easier on you too, because you could just kick yourself over cheating, and you'd know exactly what it was that led to the break up, rather than needing to endlessly guess what could have gone wrong. But as it is, you are apparently too decent a guy to make it so easy on her and yourself.
We want reasons for why we're dumping someone; we want reasons for why we've been dumped. But if she hasn't already told you a specific reason for why she's done it, then it is safe to assume there is no reason other than that you aren't what she's looking for in serious dating. And you really shouldn't take that personally, for all the reasons I described in my last post.
Only you can take what I'm saying and determine whether or not it matches up to what actually happened. But if you think it does match up, then there are two things you should do. One, is that you shouldn't beat yourself up or waste time trying to figure out what you did "wrong," because you didn't do anything wrong. Sure, you weren't perfect, but you don't need to be perfect to make a relationship work. All you need is for both people to want to be intimate with each other, and you shouldn't take it personally if the other person learns, after getting close, that you aren't her what she's looking for.
The second thing, is that you shouldn't ask her why she broke up with you. I'm sure you've already discussed it with her, there's no harm done there, because those discussions always happen. But if you haven't gotten a satisfying reason yet, then talking about it more probably still isn't going to get you one, and it will only just lengthen the break-up process, making it harder to get back to normal friendliness. If the reason really is just that you're not her "type," then asking her or yourself what went wrong isn't going to get you anywhere.
If she really seems interested in talking about the relationship, that's fine; I'm just saying I wouldn't press the issue.
So about how she said she was waiting for you to "slip-up," I wouldn't necessarily connect that at all with how she often says she expects people to disappoint or hurt her. That by itself isn't enough to conclude that her dumping you was a "preemptive attack." If she really does have an issue of being afraid to get close to someone, you would probably know it better than anyone else if this is a serious problem for her. Over your six months dating her, was she extremely shy and reluctant to get close to you? Beyond common shyness, to the point of it really being a serious issue? Was it a frequent cause of problems in your relationship? If not, then she is probably just the typical American teenager who may have had some relationship issues growing up that make her cautious and a little pessimistic.
But if she really did seem to have an issue, if her fear of getting hurt went beyond just talk and seriously affected her behavior in a visible way, then she may truly have a problem that needs to be worked out. Unfortunately, at this point, you are probably not in the best position to help her with that, at least not directly. You could talk to someone, such as your youth pastor, and share your concern with him. Like I said, you would know better than anyone else if she really has a problem; but you should judge it on her behavior, not just on things she said. And unless you think it's really a serious problem, more likely than not she will just work it out as she matures and has other relationships. I'm sure her relationship with you has improved her fear, either way whether it's a minor issue or huge problem.
It is true that the closer two people get to God, the closer they get to each other. But closeness is not always the same thing as having or continuing a dating relationship. Remember that Godly relationships go far deeper than dating or even marriage. In Heaven, there will be no dating, no marriage; but we will be and grow closer to each other more than we ever could have in this life. You will certainly see this girl there and laugh about all this mess and have enormous amounts of fun together there. You'll do so as brother and sister.
But until then, how close you two remain will be determined by a lot of things. As I said, there is always the possibility that you two will remain friends, and you should keep this door open, but it is a well known worldwide phenomenon that such goals are rarely kept up for long. The reason is usually that both people eventually lose interest in keeping in touch. But if there is any hope that you two will remain close friends, it is definitely in your shared relationship with God.
I've dated a couple non-Christian girls, and one Christian girl, and without a doubt I am far closer to the Christian girl today than I am with the other two. The other two, I may never see again since one went to a different college after high school, and the other one will be off elsewhere after we graduate college. We'll probably never have any reason to call each other. But the Christian girl I dated, we do keep in touch, and we will always have a reason to contact each other. A mature Christian doesn't mind it when another Christian, no matter who they are, checks up on them to see how they're doing and if there's anything they can pray for. And while you're at that, the regular friendly conversation may come along easier than it otherwise would have.
Anyway, for a while at least she is definitely going to need some distance; she's certainly not going to be interested in you throwing your arms around her as you declare her your sister in Christ. The guideline I proposed before is the best I can think of: acting as though breaking up was a mutual agreement, to judge how much distance to give her. The key is to stay sincere with her, and show independence at the same time. Laugh at awkward moments, because it shows her that you're not letting it bother you (and they are pretty funny, after all). If you don't think she'd mind it, give her a pat on the shoulder when it looks like she needs one, or even a hug; as long as you can do it in a way that is completely and sincerely selfless, without any hint that you're doing it out of your own longing. A sincere smile from a sturdy friend goes a long way with anyone.
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