[PRP] In The Midst Of The Garden (Lawr + Rodney)

[Toshihiko Two]

They had been together for four months. Between them, at least, things had been peaceful, even if the world around them was in a constant state of upheaval. It was easy to spend time together, to listen to music, discuss projects and make travel plans.

Lawrence had been making a tremendous effort, and it mattered, but some conditions of the relationship hung over the pair of them like a sword.

It felt like less of an if than a when there would be a slip, that the thread holding the sword would fray, and one of Lawrence's many addictions would end everything. They had discussed it over the two years they had known each other, and it was a large part of why Rodney had stressed he could never go further.

That they had gone further had been a break on the part of Rodney's restraint, on the heels of being pulled back bodily from torture and death. It had destroyed a relationship (and Rodney had made that evil decision, for selfish reasons), but between them (for now) there was a happiness, and peace that always surprised him. It was the for now which settled like a storm on the horizon.

Lawrence had not mentioned it, and Rodney hadn't either. They'd only agreed to be committed. For Rodney's part, it was absolute. On Lawrence's, a hope that he might manage it for a while. That he might be able to hold on to something good, before losing everything and spinning back to some dark place.

It had been a strange few weeks.

Rodney was having difficulty concentrating on his work.

With a sigh, he set aside his sculpting tools, protecting the increasingly worried looking angel with a sheet before going to look for Lawrence.
 

[Baneful]

Lawrence didn't want anything to do with anyone on the island for a while for his own reasons.

He'd spent a lot of his time cleaning, cleaning every single inch of the house with a meticulous attentiveness that would have been impressive to someone who didn't know him. When he was done with that he'd resorted to gardening, running the garden with the same sort of vicious efficiency and pruning he'd like to inflict upon the world as a whole.

The fact of the matter was that he was happy with Rodney, but outside that bubble of contentment and domestic pleasure, he was struggling with a lot of heavy issues. The fact of the matter was that he'd told Rodney multiple times that he couldn't commit to this, that it was too much for him and his limited willpower. He'd warned him a hundred times or more, and yet here they were in a place he'd never dared to hope he'd be. He was happy when it was them, but the fact of the matter was that sometimes it wasn't just them, there was a whole world out there full of pleasures and satisfactions, things he wanted and craved more than all else.

One one hand he was happy in his little home he'd created, but on the other he felt like a child who'd been grounded forever and was deeply and darkly bitter about it. Every conversation he had with Melvin, he wanted him and resented that he couldn't have him, every time he found himself eyeing some hunter he'd never met with too much hunger in his eyes, he resented it. He knew there was an ultimatum hanging over him that if he slipped up it was over and that it was final, Rodney wouldn't sleep with anyone again, he wouldn't be happy ever again.

And over time, he resented that too. He felt like it was something Rodney had set in place because he didn't understand him, he didn't know the kind of person he was. He felt like he needed help and rather than being given it he was simply told that rather than being helped he was simply told that he better never be in need ever again or he was simply going to be left behind.

Lawrence didn't talk about his innermost thoughts, he was used to people asking about them and having to lie, to tell them they didn't want to know. They would always insist that they did, they wanted to know how he felt, that they wouldn't judge him, and then when he told them, they'd leave. So it was with Rodney too, one day he'd leave because of who Lawrence was and he knew that it was coming, making the happy day to day moments in the company of the other man sting like a raw wound, making him tetchy and restless.

Whenever things were nice it was always temporary and this would be too. The world beyond it just looked like a dark and miserable place, there was no ending he could see where he could have what he needed and what he wanted, one thing simply erased everything else. It was commit himself for ever to Rodney and live life as a happy contented persona of a man who didn't ache with all his being for the world around him or do as he pleased and lose perhaps the last truly light thing he'd ever possessed.

It was unbearable.

When Rodney found him he was in the garden, spreading carefully divided soil over another bed of flowers for spring.

 

[Toshihiko Two]

"It's warm today," Rodney said softly, and it had been lately, the stirrings of the change of seasons accompanied by stronger and stronger winds.

He knelt in the sandy earth, touching Lawrence's back gently.

"I've...been thinking a lot. So I took a break. Have you...been having a good day?"  

[Baneful]

Lawrence leaned very slightly into Rodney's touch, pausing what he'd been doing.

"It's been a day." he said. "A day like any other really." It wasn't a lie, it had been. "It's probably nice to get a bit of air with all that dust from the carving." He gave him a faint little smile over his shoulder.

"How much of a break are we talking?" he said in a subtly sultry sort of way.

 

[Toshihiko Two]

Rodney flushed a little at the inquisition.

"Oh, we have time. That...that wasn't what I came um, out for,- that is, I wanted to talk, I thought you might have been a little troubled lately," he softened, "but, if you'd like to take a break, I'd...like that too."  

[Baneful]

Lawrence smirked. He had been troubled lately but it was just to easy to always avoid dealing with things. Sex was one of those things that saved him so much trouble.

"A break sounds lovely." he said, taking his gardening gloves off.

 

[Toshihiko Two]

Rodney offered Lawrence his hands to stand up, then gave him a gentle and responsive kiss. It was something Rodney was always receptive to, and now with so many uncertainties, the closeness felt soft and warm and solid. He clasped Lawrence's hand, and moved another to his chest.  

[Baneful]

Lawrence wasn't actually in the mood for sex, but that had never once stood in the way of him actually having it. He kissed Rodney back in the way he always did, leaning into the warmth between them. He expected it to go as it always did, letting himself lapse into a sort of autopilot as he tried very hard to avoid his problems.

There was just one pretty significant issue. For all his mental willingness to ignore his problems in favour of this, his body was not complying. Fooling Rodney was the only hard thing about the whole situation. Apparently lying to him wasn't actually a turn-on at all. Not even when they were upstairs, not even when he'd given himself time.

"This never happens to me." he said.

 

[Toshihiko Two]

Rodney's shirt was undone, and he had lightly undone Lawrence's buttons, giving him gentle kisses along his jaw and neck. It was afternoon, and the house was quiet. He responded easily, at the lightest of touches, but didn't respond with frustration.

"I thought you seemed worried," he said. "It's alright." He relaxed against their pillows. It was...so easy to get in this place, where he was red, and warm, and all of him seemed to ache- but he had years of practice at ignoring it, and did so now, taking Lawrence's hands again.

"Is it...something you're afraid to talk with me about?"  

[Baneful]

Lawrence exhaled, looking away, the restless irritability was worsened by feeling like he'd failed at something he should by all rights have been able to do.

"I'm not afraid." he said. "I don't get afraid. It's just something that it is pointless to talk about. It would upset you, it would change and achieve nothing. There is no logical reason to discuss any of it."

 

[Toshihiko Two]

"It's not about logic," Rodney said, feeling a little better that Lawrence had acknowledged, at least, that something had been weighing on him. "Because it's difficult...that's why we should talk about it. It's alright, if I get upset. I'm not...afraid of that."  

[Baneful]

"It serves no purpose if you are upset." he said. What was the point in upsetting Rodney needlessly when he was all he had? What if he left because he said something clumsy while explaining what he thought? He'd just be alone.

"None of it can be changed, it would just be talking in circles. Things are how they are until they aren't."

 

[Toshihiko Two]

"That's...what I'd been worried about, too," Rodney said, "until they aren't."

He trembled a little.

"If...if everything was different, how...would you want it to be? Between us. I know...you didn't want to leave Melvin."  

[Baneful]

"You already know how I'd want it to be if everything was different." he said with a bit of irritation, not at Rodney but at his own desires and wants which didn't fit what the other man deserved. "If things were different I'd still have both of you, it would be how it was but with me being able to show you affection how I always longed to. I love you, I do love you, you are an amazing person and everything I aspire to have."

He sighed. "I just know that something is going to go wrong. I'd rather it didn't but it will, and then you will leave. Every day I try to sever a little more in anticipation of that, of knowing that your standards are so high that someone like me could never meet them. I've ruined you, I tried not to do it, I tried to keep you away from me and the things I do because you are beautiful and fragile and perfect and yet I crumbled when I got the chance, when I should have shown resolve."

He looked away, pained.

"One day I'll break your heart, and I won't even notice I've done it till you are gone."  

[Toshihiko Two]

"And...your other wives, too?" Rodney asked, "America, and...Horace, everyone you've b-been with, if you could have kept them, if things hadn't always gone...the way they had, and you...had to start over."