My journal is written almost as a story of my life...eh..yeah. So I guess I should list the characters? The Main characters The...me? My name is Namea! I'm 27, pansexual, married, and crazy. I grew up in the UK until I was around 10ish? 11? then I moved to California where I remained until I moved to Idaho for a year with my at-the-time bestie and then we moved here for med school. Here is TN btw. Talk about culture shock. I have 2 bachelor's degrees, one in Animal Sciences (minor in Psychology) and one in Biology (Minor in Anthropology) . Currently I'm a stay-at-home mom. I've also done some professional work coding and fixing video games which I've found I have a real passion for. Uhh...I'm not very good at talking about myself. You'll learn about me anyway.
The Husbando
This is my husbando. Sometimes we fight, sometimes he's a jerk. Sometimes I'm a jerk. I love him so sosososososososoooooo much. He's 6 foot 6 and very thin with black hair and blue eyes. Looks vaguely like a giraffe or goose... I think he's handsome. <3 He loves to read and play video games. On our first date he took me down by the river to watch fireflies because I said I liked them and hadn't grown up with them. He asked to hold my hand. He went to school for Psychology but changed majors to Culinary arts. He ended up dropping out when the incubator got pregnant. He's much smarter than he comes off and I hate it when people assume he's stupid just because he has an accent and doesn't always use proper grammar. The public education here sucks and he was raised by redneck hicks so it's a wonder he's not one of them.
The childling -
This is my son. He's 5 years old and he's my entire world. I'm not his biological mom (more on that below) but I've raised him since he was an infant so I'm the only mom he knows. He's got learning disabilities and is behind his peers in speech and social skills but he's ahead in reading, writing, and math. Mostly he's just him. When childling was 3 months old (before husbando and I got together) The Incubator kidnapped him. I got with husbando while she was gone (he didn't know it was a kidnapping yet, he just thought she'd taken childling to visit her crazy family...until she told him she wasn't coming back and he'd never see childling again.) Eventually the police dragged her back and we got custody of childling when he was 10 months old. He couldn't walk or talk and had been spending most of the time naked covered in his own excriment in a crib that was used as a dog crate with the dogs. He had scratches and bites and he was afraid of people...except husbando. The moment he saw Husbando again he knew who he was and reached out for him. I fell in love with him the moment I met him and knew in my heart he was meant to be my son. Even now he has separation anxiety and hates being away from me or husbando.
Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2017 7:26 pm
The Namea Family The mother-unit
My mom is...well...how do I explain her...She's...different. When I was young she had severe mental disorders that were untreated. She was abusive and we were not close. When she got treatment her real self showed through as a loving and kind person. She still regrets her past and her worst fear is being that person again. We talk almost every day on the phone but we're far away from each other. I miss her like crazy and I can't wait to see her every year. She's fierce like a mama bear and she'll do anything to protect my family. At one point I hated her so much that I told people on the internet she died...I'm not proud of that. She's very artistic, an amazing interiour decorator (especially on a budget!), has a beautiful singing voice (even after over 40 years of smoking) a voracious reader (mostly true crime and mystery books. Hates romance novels) Loves to watch true crime shows, and taught all of us amazing lessons. Her best friend was her younger brother but he died shortly after I was born. He was also my Dad's best friend and that's how they met. It crushed them both. She was a very adventurous and independent teenager and young woman who ran away from home a lot (and apologizes to her parents still for that) and she likes to say she was an "earth Mama" when asked what that was she just says "Well, we were like hippies but we shaved our armpits." Literally the best person in the world to snuggle with when you're sad!
The father-unit
My Dad and I have always been very close. We're both ginger, metalheads, atheists, and sci-fi fanatics. He's always been there for me and worked really hard my entire life to support us. With my mom's medical issues it's not always been easy and at times even with 60 hour work weeks and backbreaking labour we weren't able to eat. He loves us all. He's kind of an introvert so it's hard to get him talking but when you do it's amazing. He's got a near photographic memory, a true photographic memory for music, can do complex math problems in his head the way most people do addition, and can replicate any song he listens to on most instruments (at least ones he's played before). He went to school for herpetology but never got a job in the field because my mom came along and she already had two daughters that he wanted to support so he got the jobs he could get quickly instead. Even though my sisters aren't his by blood he's raised them as his own and he's the only dad they know. He was best friends with my Mom's little brother and had a crush on my Mom for a really long time. She wasn't interested because he was a bit of a player (it was the 70's, he was in a band and had long hair and lots of girls going in and out of his apartment is how she puts it. "Pink panties can't remember her name" is how he puts it.) She told him if he could prove that he could take a relationship seriously she'd consider dating him. So he did, the next girl he dated he actually treated well and was faithful to her for a few months until she found someone else. After that he asked my mom out and the rest is history...er sorta.
See, my Mom still wouldn't marry him. She'd been married once before and was pretty turned off on that whole thing. Last year, after 30 years of being together, my mom finally said yes and they got married. They live at the beach and they're each other's best friend.
The Oldest sister
Oldest sister is closing in on 35. Growing up she was jealous of me because before I came along she'd always had middle sister to herself. She used to torment me and we were really not close growing up because I was terrified of her. She had some drug problems as a teen and joined the army to try and get clean. Unfortunately she was discharged after going on a date with one of her superiours. She fell off the wagon but got clean again and has been since. For the last few years she and I have been very close. She's probably my best friend. Last year she broke off her engagement to her partner of 10 years and she's been dating a guy younger than me since. He's nice even if he is 11 years younger than she is and all I care about is that he makes her happy.
The middle sister
The middle sister loved me the moment I arrived home. She used to steal me from my crib and put me in her doll crib so I could sleep in her room. She's only 10 months younger than the oldest sister so they've always been close. She's the most charismatic of us. When she walks into a room it lights up. She's very beautiful and very fashionable with long black hair and big brown eyes. Her makeup is always perfect too! She's a bit of a gossip and you can still tell she was one of the mean girls in HS even though she's really nice now. She's a great mom and wife as well as an amazing teacher to special ed kids. She's always been really passionate about working with special ed kids. She's easily offended at times and cries very easily even at slightly sappy commercials. We're close still and I love her to death. <333
The brother in law
The brother in law is married to the middle sister. He's tall (but not as tall as the husbando!) and very kind. He's a little lazy but really smart. Previously she'd only dated big black guys so the fact that she married a skinny white nerd is very funny to our family. He's a great Dad.
The kiddos
The kiddos are my 11 year old nephew and 8 year old niece. They're Middle sister and Brother in Law's kids. Both of them are incredibly bright, sweet, respectful, and awesome!! They love me when I see them and enjoy our time together. I miss them constantly!!
The garden gnome.
The garden gnome is my Dad's mom and my Grandma. She lives in the same state as me and in fact visiting her and the Math Professor every summer is the reason I fell in love with it here and eventually moved here myself. She's amazing with gardening and interiour decorating. She's addicted to shopping just slightly and loves to read. She was a college english professor for many years and despite her age she's quite liberal in most ways. Our political views line up perfectly and she understands me. She's very artistic and always encourages my art as well even having several of my original paintings hanging in her house next to those of famous painters!! She is very social and talks a lot...sometimes I think she spent so much time being quiet growing up in the depression that she makes up for it now. She even talks to her flowers but it's cute rather than annoying.
The Math Professor
My dad's dad is the smartest man I've ever met. He has a photographic memory and can do any math problem I can think of in his head. He also draws maps perfectly to scale (no joke!) and says it's because they're just math after all. He's very quiet and lets the Garden Gnome do most of his talking. He loves her very much and you can see it every time they're together. He's also an amazing gardener and carpenter! His favourite hobby is crossword puzzles which he does every single day and is very good at. When the Garden Gnome shops he takes a book or crossword puzzle with him and waits somewhere for her patiently. He's also very liberal even at 88 and has an amazingly cool past. When his mom died he was 11, his older brother was 14, and his little sister was 7. His dad, not wanting to raise kids on his own, dropped the boys off at an orphanage and sent the little girl to live with family that didn't want boys. When his brother was 18 and got kicked out of the orphanage he ran away as well. Both of them joined the navy with the math professor lying and saying he was 18. He served honourably and at one point had a bulkhead fall on his back. As a result he's actually 6 inches shorter than he was as a young man!
The Conservatives
My other grandparents are still alive as well. I love them and we're fairly close but we don't talk often. They're very conservative although their views have changed a lot in light of things like having 3 bisexual granddaughters. They're very loving and supportive of me and everything I do. I'm very lucky to have them. Grandpa is a writer and former Fire Chief who was a marine in his youth. Grandma is the most amazing seamstress and crafter I've ever met. She was a secretary when she was young. He's a curmudgeon with a stubborn mind who says what he thinks and can be very blunt. She's the sweetest woman in the world and looks like a cherub. They're perfect for each other.
That side of the family is HUGE but I'm pretty distanced from most of them. Growing up my mom was considered the black sheep so her kids were too. We're often judged on everything from our weight (all of us are fatties) to our sexualities to our (lack of) religious beliefs. They're not bad people, just not people I'm close to.
The Friendos
Pokementor
My pokementor is our best friend irl. He's short, black, and very smart....kinda. He's a veteran, bisexual, mormon (not strictly so) and voted for Trump. Yeah this guy is a serious contradiction but we love him anyway. He's extremely racist against his own people and makes very anti-black comments and jokes a lot. It's always a moment of "uhhh...I'm gonna keep my mouth shut on this one cuz I'm white." He loves Pokemon and plays competitively in tournaments and stuff! His time in Afghanistan left him with a permanent limp and a knee that looks like ground beef. We love him very much and he's like family to us.
Dogoda
Yes, the dogoda of this guild. She's probably one of my best friends IRL despite only knowing her from Gaia. We talk on the phone almost every single day and she helps me see sense in my crazy world. She's also a mom to a little boy so she understands my life really well. Also bollocks banana butt.
The bunbun
BunBun has been one of my close friends since High School and we've gotten closer after. She's amazingly sweet and smart with such spice and snap that I admire her. She is so awesome and doesn't take any s**t. Sometimes she can be insecure and let guys treat her like dirt but she always gets back up. Her makeup talents are legendary!! <33 Also a huge disney fan!
The asian son.
I've known him since HS and he's basically my kid. He's irresponsible, spontaneous, childish, dramatic, entitled, and completely unaware of this. I love him anyway. We're still friends though. He's in the Navy now (a decision he made on the fly) and hates it. He's got a great heart though and when he grows up he'll be an amazing man. He came to the states when he was 2 or 3 but he pretends to have a way thicker accent and less understanding than he really does. In truth he has a california accent and is perfectly americanized. His parents always wanted me to marry him.
The Villains The Evil In-Laws The c**t-in-law (Or CIL)
The CIL was 15 when she started dating Husbando's dad who was 26 at the time. Creepy, right? Anyway she had husbando young divorced the gun nut, etc. None of that is really relevant but I have to think about those things when I think about her in order to remember that she's a human and she's gone through s**t too. She works for her father and makes six figures a year (Last we spoke it was around 200k a year and she was due for a promotion). She struggled for a while when she was a young single mother but before husbando was like 8 she was working for her Dad making those dollas. She's raised 4 boys (Of which husbando is the oldest) and 3 of them are decent people. She has a weird almost sexual obsession with her sons though and doesn't like to let go. She controls every single aspect of their lives and tried to do so with husbando long after we were married. She doesn't go to church and talks about how it's stupid fairly often but when she found out I was an atheist (as is my husband) she flipped her s**t and said I "can't possibly love him if I don't believe in god because god is love." She thinks that she knows so much better than we do and her financial advice for every situation is "Well why can't you afford it?" because she's so used to being rich. I used to feel like I was married to Husbando and Her but he's gotten better.
The main thing about CIL though is that she wasn't always CIL. For the first three years of our relationship she was my best friend. We were very close and I felt so loved and warm there...unfortunately she listened to shitty rumours about me and I had the audacity to disagree with her about sending my son to a religious school. That's when all those times of "You're his mom, you raised him!!" and "The incubator isnt' his mother, you are. You're the only mom he knows!" became "Well, you don't really get a say since you're not his real mom..." and "I really don't think you need to concern yourself with details like this. It's not your business." She knew she could manipulate my husband into doing what she wanted but not me. Too bad even my husband eventually told her to shut the ******** up andl et him live his own life. Since then they don't call him or talk to him unless someone needs something fixed since he's handy.
Last year we were homeless after she pulled the cosign on our apartment suddenly. We decided to move to CA where my family is. We had jobs waiting, a home lined up, and most importantly an emotional support system that could have kept me from attempting suicide. She didn't want to lose that control she still had and so she bribed incubator with a free place to crash, clothes, an allowance, and paying child support for her (to look good in court). Incubator, who had previously agreed to our terms for the move and was okay with it, suddenly took us to court and fought to keep us there with a lawyer that CIL paid for. Going into that courtroom and seeing all of my husband's family sitting on the incubator's side after everything she'd done was heartbreaking for both of us.
The meathead
The Meathead is my husband's oldest sibling. He's 10 months younger than my husband. He's not stupid, rather average intelligence. He's got "big fish in a little pond" syndrome. He was a star football player in HS, very popular, and considered good looking (he's not). That was his peak. He's a raging alcoholic and a judgemental a**. He hates fat people so much that he used to run a reddit devoted to hating them where people would post photos of fat people they saw just for others to ridicule. My photo was on that site more than once. That's his only reason for hating me, he's admitted it himself and said we'd get along great if I were thin when he met me. He still lives with the CIL and has all his stuff (including his third time trying to do the college thing after dropping out twice before) paid for by her. He, along with my ex roomate, spread the rumours to CIL that she believed. He refuses to speak to husbando and has told him that if he sees him he'll punch him. He also hates his own 13 year old little sister because of something she said to him when she was 6 that "mortally offended him." He just announced to CIL that he has forgiven her for not attending a school field trip with him when he was 7. All of this is completely serious to him. He holds grudges for that long and for those kinds of reasons. I hate him and I really just want him to stop breathing my air.
Non villain family members of the villains The Brony
The Brony is the next in line. He just turned 21 not very long ago. He's a very sweet and smart kid with a huge heart. He's gay and while his family "accepts" it, they also "think of it as a sin" so he has to live with that. He will never move out of CIL's house or get a job. That's being harsh but it's true. He has no motivation because no one has ever treated him like he can succeed. He had severe dyslexia and was misdiagnosed with ADD when he was young. The CIL, like she does with all her children, drugged him up for his entire school life long past when he actually needed the pills. As a result, even though he's secretly stopped taking his pills for years, he has a rather zombie like mentality. His voice is very monotone, he shuffles slowly, sleeps a lot, and can't do anything on his own. His mother cleans his room or hires someone to do it for him once a month and it's disgusting. I did it once and I have never dealt with anything that bad. He's so smart and so sweet but he was sent to a Christian school where they drilled into him day in and day out that he's broken and wrong for being who he is. At the end of it they wouldn't even give him a real diploma. He got a "provisional" diploma, a special ed diploma...and colleges won't accept that. Too bad CIL thinks Jr. Colleges (that would accept it and could be a stepping stone or at least teach him skills) are garbage and refuses to pay for it. He legitimately thinks he's stupid and worthless. He is so so not. He's amazing and I wish he knew that.
The dragon-boy
The Dragon-Boy is 18 now. He's leaving at the end of this year to go to school in Florida. The CIL was so upset because she thought she had him trained to stay home. Little did she know he'd been lying to her for years, throwing away his meds, doing really well in school, and planning for a life as a software and game dev. That's what he's going to college for. He loves dragons and his favourite thing is the "How to train your dragon" movies. He's also a huge gamer with a love for Bethesda, Nintendo, and Sony games. We secretly trade pokemon and chat on the 3ds still. He's brilliant but he worries so much about the Brony that he is almost hesitant to leave. For years he defended his older brother in school and against everyone else. Now he's afraid he's leaving him alone.
The prodigy
The prodigy is Husbando's 13 year old little sister. She's not related to the boys because she's his Dad's kid with his third wife. She's...amazing. This little girl is brilliant, charismatic, beautiful, hilarious, talented, she's got it all. She's very young for her age and doesn't have the interest of growing up too fast that most 13 year olds have. She likes littlest pet shop and my little pony still. She's huge into crafting especially with duct tape and she's a pinterest queen but only for DIY stuff. She and I were amazingly close. I used to take her places and she'd beg to come stay the night at our place. She liked that we were both redheads and that she could talk to me about thinks her dad wouldn't like such as her doubts about religion or her curiosity about different sexual orientations. (Don't worry, her mother knew we had these conversations and approved of them! She needed to hear about these things from someone and I was able to tell her that both her faith and her doubts were valid without trashing her christian beliefs or seeming like I was turning her away from God. With sexualities I was able to explain that yes, gay people exist, bi people exist, etc. We're not evil, we're not horrible sinners or perverts or ***** the way her Dad said. Just people that God loved just as much as anyone else.) She was a martial artist, a crack shot with a gun, and incredibly athletic. She also had an amazing singing voice and an eye for art. This girl could Rollerblade while hulahooping and shoot a target at the same time. There's video evidence! When the big fight went down between husbando's dad's family and us they told me not to contact her ever again. I haven't spoken with her since. I miss her.
End good people, more villains below.
The Hick
The hick is my husband's father. Not only is he creepy ***** material but he's a damn liar. He insists that he fought in desert storm as an elite sniper and had to "drink the sweat from his cap it was so hot." The thing is that the time he claims to be away was during the time he was married to the CIL and both husbando and CIL remember very accurately that he never left the country. In fact he was just an MP, nowhere near the level of "elite sniper" or whatever that is. When asked to produce his challenge coin by our veteran friend he made excuses and brushed it off. His wife and daughter believe his lies. He's a raging alcoholic and drives drunk. He's a skill electrician and a very good cook though. Seriously, he may have no soul but his cooking does, I never had anything from him that was less than delicious. He's the sort of christian who says that gays are devil spawn and all that s**t but he knew we were atheists and he never said anything bad about it to us. When my sister and her lesbian partner visited he was respectful to them. Despite our differences after the break with the CIL he became our main family. The CIL can't stand him, so much so that she said she wouldn't attend our wedding if he or his daughter were invited. He was abusive to her so I can't fault her much. He abuses his current wife and it's very sad because she's brilliant but so weak willed that her brain doesn't matter. He doesn't believe in psychology or mental illness.
When we were first rendered homeless he invited us to stay with him. It lasted 8 days. He lives on a big plot of land, they have chickens and ducks, 3 very large dogs, 3 cats, and a slew of birds. I was at the time unemployed because I'm a stay at home parent. As such I was given a long list of things to do while the others were "out earning their keep" No biggie, he was letting me stay in the home, it was the least I could do. I would wake up at 5 and feed all the animals, clean the house (which was difficult btw because they're hoarders and have things piled to the ceiling and often covered in animal excrement.) and make lunch for everyone. Then when they left I'd continue to clean and care for the animals and have dinner ready before they all got home. My cooking was often criticized (Okay fine. he's a chef and a damn good one. He has the right.) but I was not allowed to eat until dinner. Because of my weight a specific rule was put into place that I was to touch no food in the house until dinner time and the hick was to control my portions. I was given usually about half of what was served to our at-the-time 4 year old son. He forced us to send our son to a dirty trashy looking woman's house for "daycare" everyday. Even so, I persisted and husband would sneak me snacks from work. He worked at the same company as his dad but on different job sites. One day the hick came home in the middle of the afternoon drunk off his a**. He had been trying to get me alone for a "talk" for the last couple days but was always stopped by Husbando. This time there was no one there to stop it. He'd found my depression medication and that set him off because he thought depression didn't exist. He yelled at me about not being a proper woman for not making sure I was the right shape to be beautiful. He told me I was nothing because I didn't have a job (even though I'd been constantly applying for them under his watchful eye) He held my arms down in a chair and told me that if I wanted to kill myself he'd take out one of his (many) guns and help me out back. Then he told me that I was crazy and that crazy was dangerous. He said that he was "eliminate" any thread to his "nuclear family" be it me, my husband, or our son. I didn't realize at the time but he had essentially just threatened to kill my son. When he let go I walked out of the house and started moving down the road trying to call husbando who was at work 45 minutes away. The hick lives in the middle of nowhere, as I said, lots of land. I managed to get past his property fence and hid in a little gravel turnaround at the side of the road. Finally husbando got there annnnd our van broke down. Right there. He stopped to hug me and help me into the car and then she wouldn't start again. We called AAA but before they showed up we were greeted by a firetruck and no less than 3 police cars who were looking for me. The Hick had called them and told them I was a danger to myself and others. I had to explain my depression to a cop, tell him I was medicated and had been for years, that I was stable at the time and that no I was no danger. My husband gave the cop his father's name and explained his lack of understanding about mental illness. The cop however knew the name and just apologized to me, hugged me, and asked me what he could do. Apparently they had run ins with the hick's crazy before. I asked if he could give us a jump so he jumped our van and waited with me while the husbando drove back to his fathers and picked up our most valuable posessions and a bag of clothes each. When he came back we picked up our son and went to my grandparent's house. I called them on the way and as usual they were amazing and understanding.
I know a story isn't what you wanted here but...to me that is the only way to explain the hick and how he made me feel so scared. And the only way to explain why I hate that the husbando still hasn't cut him out of his life.
Other Villains The incubator -
This is husbando's ex and Childling's biomom. She's a complete deadbeat. She believes she's the reincarnation of a russian princess with magical powers. Also she has an "invisible white tiger with magic" that "guards" her and the "soul of a light dragon meant to save the world." She thinks she controls the weather. This isn't ALL her fault. When she was young her mother kidnapped her also and raised her that way. She didn't own a toothbrush until her father finally tracked her down and got her back when she was 13. Husbando and she got together when they were 15. By the time they had childling he thought she'd been over that crazy stuff for years because she never mentioned it. Turns out she'd just been talking to other people about it instead of him because she knew he thought it was crazy. She's tried for years to make our lives miserable but after a long talk from me and some compassion she's still a crazy deadbeat but she knows Nathan is safe and loved and isn't trying to interfere anymore. She lives in her boyfriend's truck. Legally she's allowed 24 hours a week with childling but she's never had more than 8 hours with him in a single sitting. She just doesn't want to. Usually she sees him for an hour or two each month if we can convince her to. There's so much more crazy about her that it would take up this whole post...so that's enough for now.
I woke up to a prodding in my spine. As always I was sleeping on my stomach (drooling) with my arms clutched around the giant fuzzy football pillow I've had since I was 6. Husbando was poking me and when that didn't work he shook me. I was totally awake, just not wanting to roll out of bed yet. Finally I sighed, put on my glasses, and stumbled to do the wake-up ritual.
When all that was done I shuffled into the kitchen and grabbed my morning pepsi to wake my lazy a** up. Coffee doesn't work for me although I love it. My caffeine has to be cold and bubbly to be effective. I grabbed a yogurt, two boiled eggs, a banana, and some milk for the childling and got it all prepared at the kitchen table before opening his door. He's not allowed to leave his room until one of us opens his door in the morning so even though he was awake he was just happily reading. We have this rule because unfortunately he's very curious and loud. If he leaves his room before 8 when we wake up he'll play with the TV, xbone, or other things he's not supposed to touch that cannae be moved out of reach.
With childling happily eating his breakfast I started some coffee and went to check on Husbando. As expected he was just laying there looking miserable and breathing deeply. Not asleep but rather battling the crippling anxiety that we both knew would hit him this morning.
Husbando has anxiety really badly. It manifests in the form of acid reflux and causes him a lot of physical pain. It manifests most when he has to go somewhere, leave early, be in public, meet people, or perform tasks for scrutiny. When he's medicated it's all good but right now we're in between doctors so neither of us are getting the appropriate treatment for our mental or physical health.
His biggest stressor, and the thing that makes his anxiety go absolutely nuts is the Incubator. Seeing her, talking about her, or even remembering her is a huge invitation for pain. Today was the one day this month that she'd asked to see Childling for a couple of hours. It's likely to be the only time she sees him this month despite her legal allowance of 24 hours per week. She's not employed or anything but she's more interested in social activities or playing games online than she is in seeing childling. Thus, when she DOES want to, we try to accomodate because he does enjoy spending time with her. The parenting plan says she's supposed to provide transportation but she's never had a vehicle and her boyfriend refuses to use his for visitation. Instead we drive and she pays gas money.
The prospect of seeing her is why Husbando was so bent out of shape. Normally I can't touch him when he's like this, it takes his focus away from controlling it and makes it harder for him. Basically he feels like he's gonna s**t himself. We needed to get going though so I gently helped him up and into the bathroom so he could shower and get dressed.
Childling was already a step ahead of me when I went to get him ready and he'd picked a matching outfit. Matching is important to him these days and he gets mad with Husbando dresses him because it never matches. He got ready, I got ready, Finished Husbando's coffee, and we waited for my husband to come out of the bedroom by playing some hide and seek.
When Husbando finally came out he refused the coffee with a grunt about "too much acid" and ushered us out the door. I always offer to drive when he's feeling this way but I know he'll refuse. He says it helps him. Instead I spent the ride keeping myself and childling quiet as Husbando doesn't like noise when his anxiety is acting up.
Between you and me I used to get pissed about the fact that the incubator triggers Husbando so much. It felt like the fact that she still got under his skin so much was proof positive that he still had some sort of feelings for her. I know that's not true now but it doesn't stop my emotional side from twinging when it happens.
We got to Incubator's current flop spot, a decent sized and very pretty looking house, and were surprised to see it. Usually she's crashing on the couch of some crappy gross apartment or else only staying the day somewhere because she's sleeping in a shelter. A lot of the time we just meet her at a park and she plays with him there for a couple hours before we come get him. Seeing her at a nice place like this made us almost hopeful that she and her current piece (He's lasted longer than the last few and they're "engaged" but that doesn't say much since she's been engaged to all of them.) were getting their lives together. Unfortunately we found out that she's staying there right now with 11 other adults one of whom introduced himself to me last month as "The Big Bad Wolf" and prompted a comment from me about calling animal control if he touched Childling. He's easily in his early 60's, perpetually dirty with long scraggly grey hair in a ponytail and a definite air of someone who asks kids if they "like to party". He hangs out with mostly 18-22 year olds apparently as that's the Incubator's usual group of friends despite her being 26. Either way, hearing that he lived here as well when the last place she flopped was his rehab apartment made me worry.
Husbando assured me that the inside of the house looked clean and safe however and I trust his judgement. As always I didn't go with him to the door but kissed childling goodbye at the car. I may hate the incubator but I know I would feel gross if she were to invade my home and I won't do that to her either. Home is a sanctuary and I respect that, even for her.
We left and I was finally able to talk, at least for now as we went to the grocery and then picked up some bbq at a little shack that we've passed many times and wondered about. It smelled amazing. The food was okay but not for the prices they charged. We probably won't be going back. I don't need to pay 6 bucks for exactly 8 slices of fried pickle.
When we got home he recovered a lot. Drank his coffee, ate his lunch, joked about the food and talked on the phone with my Mother-unit about a possible pornographic restaurant we'd all open together for the lolz called "Chick-a-fellatio" as an answer to Chick-a-fil-a's bigotry. It sounds weird to talk like that with a parent but my Ma has a really easygoing sense of humour and since I'm an adult we share a pretty close friendship. Talking about "p***s pudding" (Banana pudding with a banana sticking out of it and two strategically placed nilla wafers) is pretty much a good indicator of our humour.
At this point with Husbando okay it's time for my own usual anxiety about leaving childling with the incubator (She's been very neglectful in the past and put him in a lot of danger so I still get anxious when he's in her care) to kick in. I don't let it happen until I know Husbando is okay because I know that he needs me to be strong when he's feeling bad. I handle mine by going to take an hour catnap. When he wakes me up we're back off to pick up childling and his anxiety is spiking again so it's silent in the car. It all seems okay when he grabs my hand and holds on tight though. I know he's doing this because he needs to feel that I'm beside him and it means the world to me.
After awkward small talk with Incubator in which I desperately try not to stare at her rotten teeth and wish she'd just go back inside we're all headed home and Husbando is speeding so he can drop us off without being late to work.
I know. My life is boring. This isn't for you to read, it's for me to write. It's cathartic. Make it more exciting by imagining I have like...wings or double z boobs or something.
After coming home I got to finally have some fun with my boy. We played hide and seek, watched some movies, and cleaned up until he went to bed. That's really it for today.
UGH! I am sooooo frustrated! Our tax return came today (yay!) annnnnd I get to watch it vanish. We got almost 7,000 this year which is a huge deal because that's more than half of what my husband makes in a year. First we needed to pay off an old payday loan we got months ago when we were desperate for rent. That took 500 right out but at least they won't be drawing from our paychecks anymore. Next we paid off a credit card that husbando stupidly got without consulting me and has kept making small purchases on without thinking. That was over 400 gone right there. Next is our back due phone and internet bills...those were another 300... Next is our back due electric bill that c**t-in-law is supposed to be paying with the money we give her every month. 300.
Then we'll be paying off our old apartments. The story there is mererererererrrrr.
Okay so 2 years ago I was going through the worst depression I've ever had and I tried to kill myself. Hospital and all that jazz. Husbando at the time had a really strict view on suicide and said he couldn't handle my depression. I went home to California for a couple weeks to clear my head and be near family. This was during a time when my grandparents were on a cruise (they're usually on a cruise tbh. XD) so I had absolutely no one in the entire state to turn to. I had no friends that weren't his friends first (that's still true. My only friends are in CA or TX) and no family near me. I needed my mom and my sisters. While I was there his mom convinced him that he needed to leave me and tried to make him believe all kinds of lies about me that meathead had told her. On the phone he told me I was better off just staying in CA and he'd ship my stuff and divorce papers to me. Of course I was heartbroken beyond belief. Because he'd listened to her c**t-in-law decided he needed to be away from "memories of me" and had him break lease with our apartment in writing and everything. He had 30 days to move and she was going to find him a new place and pay off the lease break fees and all that. She had all this going in the span of a DAY.
Well the day after we spoke he woke up without me and realized that without the comforting feeling of "She'll be back next week" he felt empty. He called my mom to talk because my mom has always given him good objective advice whereas he knows his mom is manipulative and always tries to achieve her own ends.
My mom asked him if he was in love with me and he said yes of course. She asked him if in any other situation he would be okay with someone leaving their spouse over depression. He said no, that he knew I had depression, he knew he was a huge contributor to it, and that the main reason he was so scared was guilt because he felt like it was his fault. At that point I asked him to just let me come home to get my affairs in order for two months and get the divorce dealt with. He said "Just come home. Just come back to me, forgive me, and let me hold you for a while."
Anyway, after all that his mom refused to pay off that money (we ended up scrambling to not be homeless and started the worst 6 months of our lives but somehow our marriage got stronger!) We still owe that apartment money.
New: We owed 2,369 total. They agreed to 2,000 as a settlement. I offered the agent on the phone a bag of gummy bears and explained that we just wanted to be debt free but 2000 was too much. He got it down to 1,369 for me. Win. Paid.
So that leaves us with approximately 3,666. Ok...less freaked out. Still thinking we might not be able to afford the trip but...less so.
Husbando is insisting that I go shower and get dressed so that when he gets home from work we can go take care of the car stuff and get dinner. I don't wanna spend money on dinner. He reminded me he gets 3 paychecks this month instead of his usual 2. We might be okay.
Posted: Mon Apr 17, 2017 8:03 pm
Not going on the trip...that's super saddening but our car broke down and we had to spend a lot to fix it. crying
Parents visited...was nice but as always a little stressful.
Went to the Doc today and I'm back on my meds so hopefully my motivation and will to live will return within a couple of weeks.
