ahhh! the long awaited road trip has finally arrived!! I leave tomorrow morning and I am so excited! It will be good to have time to get away from everything around here, everything that is bothering me and just be at ease.
Also, on a different note, there's this guy that comes into where I work quite often, and he usually chit-chats with me, he's really nice. Anyway, so yesterday when he came in he said he wasn't going to be coming by much anymore, but asked for my number so we could hang out some time whee
Posted: Mon Jun 17, 2013 8:51 am
ahhh, I am home now from the south! It was really nice, I mean sitting in a car for 10 hours kinda sucked and I was so tired when I got home last night, but the trip was amazing!! I had so much fun, and hope that my friends and I can go do it again soon!~ The second night we were there was scary because there was a tornado warning, and we get a /watch/ where we live maybe once a year, never a warning though, except that one time there was a tornado a few towns away, so we don't really know how to deal with that imminent threat and freaked out a bit. It was all okay though (thankfully!!) The rest of the week was nice though. We went to the beach and the aquarium and on a hike!
Also!!! that guy that asked for my number texted me! It was really funny because we were all sitting around and my phone buzzes and my friends are like "oooooo~ who is it" and I had told them about the guy asking for my number, and then one of the girls that was with us stops, counts on her fingers and then goes "holy crap he actually did that three day wait thing!". It was really amusing, and now that I am home we are going to make plans to hang out soon~
It's going to be a busy week back, but I'll try my best to keep smiling! And now I need to go unpack some more! (so much laundry gonk )
Sometimes I really wonder if it's really worth the effort to stay strong. I mean, I know it's the right thing to do, and that there are people that care about me, but sometimes I struggle so much.
It's just, some days every little things gets to me. I try to stay distracted and keep a smile on my face, but at the same time it's so had and I just want to start shutting the world out again. I know that it's not fair to myself to do so though, and it's even more unfair to the people that spent so much time trying to get to know me and trying to get me to come out of my shell.
I'm trying to just look at this as a minor setback in my life, and a temporary rut. But who knows.
I started biting my nails again last week. (is it strange that I find it very satisfying and comforting to do so?) I haven't done anything real bad yet though, so I'm okay.
Posted: Wed Jun 26, 2013 8:44 pm
ahhhh, the past weekish (since my last post) have been difficult. I saw it coming. I've been trying to keep distracted, but that doesn't stop things from being hard for me. I feel so consumed by my thoughts. They keep going between hating myself and internal struggles, to all consuming thoughts/memories of E (which is oh so annoying since I talked to him two weeks ago, and then again a little while ago when he texted me).
It's hard because I really need to find a new balance in my life. I was hoping that maybe it could be N, that guy who asked for my number, but when we were supposed to hang out Monday night, he stood me up! And he hasn't responded to either of the two texts I sent him after he did so!
My life is a big fat mess right now. Just like my thighs. Opps.
Hopefully I'll go hiking tomorrow and maybe clear my head.
Today I thought I'd seen a ghost, but really it was just E. I'm just casually working, you know making food for people, and then *bam!* in walks E. I was really confused, and kind of freaked out for a bit internally. (actually, I was shaking like a leaf, if E and the girl I was working with noticed they where kind enough not to mention it / I was definitely red) I don't even know why he stopped by there. I mean he made a phone call to my boss/his old boss from the work phone, chatted with the new employee for a bit, gave me a hug and then said he had "fun things to go do" because he was only around for the day? I dunno, I was really confused and kind of shaking @///-///@
Let's be honest I am still confused. I mean he probably came down to visit his girlfriend to be honest. And I feel like if he had been actually planning on seeing me he would have told me that he was coming down Saturday when we talked a couple days ago (and by talked I mean he texted me and then stopped responding in the middle of the conversation).
But if today showed me anything, it's that my feelings have not started to subside yet, which really sucks for me...
---
In other news though, my friend K texted me! I knew he had gotten a cell finally back around new years, but I had never asked for his number (I was a bit shocked when he texted me to be honest) but it was cool, and now I'm trying to make plans to go up to visit him later this summer!
So mostly I think that this day was good. Also a seven year old taught me how to throw a football.
Posted: Tue Jul 02, 2013 5:16 pm
I really need to stop doing things that make me feel worse about myself. I just feel so lost and broken.
I mean I was doing better. I started drawing again.
I don't know if I had posted about that or not, but basically, at the end of April, I stopped. I didn't draw, or paint, or anything beyond an occasional meaningless doodle. I just couldn't. But then over the past couple weeks I started again, more and more, until just a little while ago.
Now I can't again. I just feel like s**t again.
Which brings me to another point. Everyone is always telling me that I am such a nice person, and I do try and act kind, gentle, and selfless, but really, deep down, I am a terrible person. No one would want to talk to me if they realized what a mess I was. I mean, I want people to be happy and live there lives, but also I want to destroy that so I can get what I want. I am selfish and terrible.
wow, okay I'm really confused because one of my friends wants to go to the movies, and he said we should see if other people want to go, but then he turned around and said that we should just go ourselves? He then proceeded to bring up E because the three of us used to hang out all the time after work, only he was saying that he doesn't really miss having him around that much? I don't know what's happening. I know I'd say yes, but it's at 11 so it's kinda late...
so confused about everything @_@
edit I read his text as 10:50pm, but it actually said 1:50pm, so not late at all lol, but after talking to him I admitted at I feel awkward if it's just the two of us, even though I know we're just friends (he even sent a text that was kinda like "if it's because it's just us that you feel awkward we're just friends, people always over think the male-female friendships". but it's not the "this has deeper meaning" thought that makes me feel awkward. Unless I am 200% comfortable with a person I will feel awkward, and no matter how comfortable I am with a guy I am always awkward. Always.
Posted: Thu Jul 04, 2013 10:03 pm
I was able to get myself to draw a bit tonight, so I am really happy. It's progress in the right direction. I also didn't find myself in a crippling ball or rage or misery when E crossed my mind today/kept showing up on my fb newsfeed!
much improvement, for now. a little is better than none though. hopefully tomorrow will be good too!
here's what I am working on:
I had actually started a slightly different version of this in the morning (and there are some bits that I like a lot better in the first one), but unfortunately we lost power before I had gotten the chance to save it!! You figure I would learn my lesson because this has definitely happened before, but nope. oh well, lol. I'm gonna work on it more as soon as I get the chance (so probably Saturday).
I also started drawing another bird. There's a reason I like drawing birds, but I don't really want to share, because I don't know where my thoughts will go from there.
I've been having a pretty good past few days. I haven't been depressed or upset really. I got some new clothes the other day, and a small raise at work!! I've also been trying to make plans with friends for later in the summer~
Oh, and last night my friends and I helped a lost puppy!!
It was like 10pm and we were driving home and all the cars in front of us were slowing down, and this cute doggy was wandering back and forth across the street! Z hopped out of the car (while it was still moving) because we noticed that the dog had tags. Thankfully his people's numbers were on there, so we called them and then we waited with the dog for a good while so his family could come pick him up <3 He was a really sweet dog and his owner was so thankful that he was okay (it's a busy street, and he escaped earlier in the day from her office, so she was really worried). I'm happy that it all ended well~
Posted: Tue Jul 30, 2013 10:44 am
ahhh, it's been a good bit since I last posted again.
The negativity is back. it's like- I can feel OK for a little bit, maybe a day or two, and then I just get flooded with it. I don't even know how to handle it anymore. The other night I actually cried about it, and I have just been very on edge with everything. I just wish that I could forget about him and stop missing him so damn much.
But also on a different note (this one isn't going to necessarily be the highlight of this post, but I'm getting there). So I had a kind of strange dream. It's not super important I don't think, but I am going to post all that I can remember in a spoiler:
At the beginning of my dream my friends and I were staying in an apartment (more like a condo actually) on vacation. I have no idea where we were, but it was night time when we got there, and it was the people from my road trip earlier this summer, plus I think that Y might have been there for a little while. The place we were staying in had multiple floors. The first was living space and a bathroom I think, the second was two bedrooms and the kitchen, which also had a bed in it. Then there were two more floors, all bedrooms that could sleep at least two people each. SO I went and found a bed that i wanted, and I was going to share the room with my friend M (one of the girls from the road trip), The room was on the top floor. I remember going up and down the stairs very quickly in the dream. Rushing them. But I wasn't afraid of them, which is strange. Normally in my dreams I am afraid of going down the stairs. Then we talked about going grocery shopping. Me and one of the other girls went. I remember walking around a strange brick garage like place when we were leaving the building. And then we got separated? I don't know how it happened, I think I walked off in a different direction. I ended up in front of a house that had normal siding, but also the same kind of brick as the garage (same brick inside this house too!). There were a bunch of brides maids wearing various dresses taking a photo outside and for some reason this gave me deja vu in my dream (it might have been the dresses, but it could have also been the house). I ended up inside the house because they wanted me at the party which was very big and crowded. The were celebrating a marriage and the return of the salmon because apparently this village was near a coastal stream/river thing where the salmon came up every decade or something, that part was a little fuzzy. At one point when I was still in the house I ended up sitting at a table with this guy that I had gone to school with. We were almost friends in our sophomore year. I'll call him T here. (almost because he talked to me all the time in the classes we had together and I had a massive crush on him, but that was it. In a sense he has a similar personality to E, they both really like flirting. anywayyyy) So we ended up somehow sitting together at this wooden table (it looked like a gigantic tree stump, with smaller stumps for chairs), and while we're sitting at the table I am real nervous, but I end up asking him why he's there, and he says "for you silly" and he ends up showing me his ID and starts talking about where he's going to school there, which is all very confusing because 1, his ID is for a different state than the one we currently live in, and 2, he talks about going to school there but I know that is the opposite direction from which he is going to school (oops facebook). But whatever, we ended up talking, I don't remember about what, but it was really nice. We ended up going outside and down by the water area (this is how I found out about the salmon thing). and the guy telling us about it was saying we should fish, but then T didn't want to since he didn't have a fishing pole, but I told him to go catch one with his hands, so he did. Then, I guess there's this part of the water that people aren't supposed to touch, but I saw my grandpa trying to go into the water there to catch some fish, and people got really mad. That's about where I woke up...
And other than that dream all I really have to say is that i am going camping this summer~ Woo. It's going to be sooooo different than all my other camping experiences, and I am going with Y, so wish me luck, but hopefully it'll be all good.
Okay! so I am going camping tomorrow! That's exciting~ Hopefully it will be just the distraction I need to start moving along with my life and stuff. hopefully.
because it could also be bad. we shall see.
Posted: Thu Aug 15, 2013 10:48 am
wow, so the past few days were absolutely nothing like I had expected them to be. first off, I got to meet a bunch of Y's friends from school, and that was pretty cool. They seem like genuinely nice people. I mean they kind of intimidated me a bit, but that okay, they were friendly and nice, and I think that she has some good friends up there. I unfortunately did not get to visit K though ): Kind of disappointing because we never get to see each other, but you can't win every battle I guess. I mean we did make all possible efforts to see him, but it just didn't work out right. And then last night. Last night was bad. I'm not even sure that I want to talk about it at all. But basically I learned my limit and also pizza is only good on the way up.
maybe I'll tell the rest of the story later, but probably not. It's not good.
okay so I decided that I'll document what I do remember from last night. Please note that I don't actually remember everything, it's just a blur at the beginning. First thing when we got back from the beach we got a pizza to take back to our campground, which we promptly inhaled. Then we built a fire and the shots began. I remember that the two other people each took one before I did because I was a little intimidated by the idea of actually taking a shot for the first time. So then I took one and we waited a little bit to do more (like 15 minutes maybe?) By 8:15 I was three shots in, Y was 4, and the guy was a bit more than that because his glass was a bit bigger than your average shot glass. I would also like to add that during dinner and between all the shots I was sipping on a mixed drink that I had made for myself that had about three shots worth in it (I drank most of it before I attempted shot number 4) Number 4 (my #4) is where the s**t hits the fan. I only knocked back half of it, and then tried to force the second half down... It just came right back up, and very shorty followed by my pizza and all the other contents of my stomach. It was disgusting and scary and I thought that I was going to die for a little while. After that I was pretty much feeling sober again which sucked. That was not the goal for the night. A little while later everyone else wasn't feeling too hot either and everyone got emotional, and wow I have never had to pee so much in my life.
Also, I don't remember the beginning of this experience, like I know I was intimidated for that first shot, and then I remember losing the 4th one. But at some point I tweeted 2 dozen times, tweeted from my friends phone, took a ton of selfies, lost my shirt, and told them a looooootttttttt of personal s**t. Like a lot. But I'm not entirely sure what I did and did not tell them.
and we heard scary animal noises when we tried to sleep.
and I thought it was 5am when it was only 1am.
hahahahaha never again.
Posted: Sun Sep 01, 2013 10:45 pm
I am just done.
I'm done with everything.
I really just hate everything and don't even see a point to it anymore. Trying doesnt even feel worth it.
I feel like my life is worthless and everything has lost meaning.
I just want to sleep forever but this damn insomnia won't let me fall asleep
