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Posted: Fri Jun 25, 2010 9:57 am
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Why do you still bother to try? We already know you're going to die. I don't understand, You still fight with your broken hand.
My life was over, But you still came closer, Expecting me to revive, When I'm not alive.
You're ending your life, For one already lost.
Don't die for me, It's my only plea. You found me alright, Now we both end tonight.
DON'T DIE! I came here because I wanted you to live. You still try, But their strength is massive.
STOP IT! I'm breathing, Don't sit, start leaving.
They have already inflicted more pain, But you still insist, No matter how much strain, You stay to resist.
You're dying for me, You're crying for me, But you won't live for me, WHY WON'T YOU SURVIVE FOR ME!?!
I needed you to stay home then, But you feelings kicked in, Being hero again, It's who you are within.
You believe in yourself, And you atempt to protect us, You make me believe in myself, And stop the fuss.
I know now, That's how, Your resolve goes through, Because your heart is there with you.
Thank you very much to the bottom of my heart, You saved me once more, I didn't know it from the start, You're much stronger than from before.
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Posted: Sun Jun 27, 2010 11:20 pm
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ToushirouLover_8701 Why do you still bother to try? We already know you're going to die. I don't understand, You still fight with your broken hand. My life was over, But you still came closer, Expecting me to revive, When I'm not alive. You're ending your life, For one already lost. Don't die for me, It's my only plea. You found me alright, Now we both end tonight. DON'T DIE! I came here because I wanted you to live. You still try, But their strength is massive. STOP IT! I'm breathing, Don't sit, start leaving. They have already inflicted more pain, But you still insist, No matter how much strain, You stay to resist. You're dying for me, You're crying for me, But you won't live for me, WHY WON'T YOU SURVIVE FOR ME!?! I needed you to stay home then, But you feelings kicked in, Being hero again, It's who you are within. You believe in yourself, And you atempt to protect us, You make me believe in myself, And stop the fuss. I know now, That's how, Your resolve goes through, Because your heart is there with you. Thank you very much to the bottom of my heart, You saved me once more, I didn't know it from the start, You're much stronger than from before.
I think you could work more on transitions, since it seems that you're almost going for a somewhat song-like format, particularly since the feelings in this poem change somewhat roughly. Also, what I consider to be a mistake in my earlier poetry was the feelings of needing to rhyme everything. Consider that.
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Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2014 12:53 am
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