So, just checking, the quick and dirty is alright then? Just need to confirm before I head on more.
Yes, your writing style is pretty neat. I admire it - quick and to the point but not immature (from what I see so far). If you can post a small sample of third person POV, that'll be lovely, but not required.
Just wondering, what kind of story are you planning to do?
So, just checking, the quick and dirty is alright then? Just need to confirm before I head on more.
Yes, your writing style is pretty neat. I admire it - quick and to the point but not immature (from what I see so far). If you can post a small sample of third person POV, that'll be lovely, but not required.
Just wondering, what kind of story are you planning to do?
Was planning on having Shawn go to a city called Somat and, on the surface, attempt to sway public opinion back to his rule while going into the underbelly to find who had been causing the city to quietly revolt.
Feet tapped against the chessboard floor. Shawn’s lips spread in a small smile as he looked at the servants rushing to get out of his way, some of them fretfully whispering to one another. It was good for business really, to let them gossip. Sometimes rumors of what I did instilled more fear than what he actually did.
The large, oaken doors to the War Room greeted Shawn as he made his way through the castle. He slammed them open and crossed across the lavishly carpeted floor to the raised table in the middle of the room. The Moon saluted Shawn as he walked towards him. “What’s the situation with The Agency?”
The Moon swallowed a bit. This wasn’t good, not by far. The kingdom was rapidly falling down, and he knew The Prince wouldn’t like this one bit. He leaned over and tapped the map. “Not good, sir. They’re spreading unrest, even managing to silently take over a few cities. If we don’t stop the-”
Shawn cut The Moon off, slamming a fist onto the table. “Goddamn it! You people are useless!” I could see the son of a b***h back up a bit, cowering like the worm he was. “I trust you with all I have and this is what you give me? A falling empire?”
A low whimper came from The Moon. He’d seen the boss angry, seen some of the things he could do. His life was flashing before his eyes while Shawn’s eyes were flashing hot with anger.
“Please sir!” This time The Queen of Wands, having stood quietly by, grabbed Shawn’s arm, the man not even having realized it had rose to strike The Moon. “We can fix this, we promise!”
Shawn callously shoved her to the ground, a cry coming from her. “No. This is beyond what Dahlia can do for me.” He adjusted his outfit a bit. “I’m going to retake one of these cities that they converted, without any of your help.” The prince loomed over The Queen and looked at her as darkly as he could. “Maybe you’ll learn a lesson or two.”
The Moon and The Queen of Wands both shared a fearful look. If their prince truly took matters into his own hands, either they’d find themselves executed for incompetence or for conspiring with the old ruler, if he should perish. Both of them knew just how bad of a situation they were in.
Shawn slammed open the oaken doors again and walked as briskly as possible out of the castle. It was a cold night, dead trees surrounding the entire area. None of it really got much attention on his end though, mind preoccupied with business as he made my way to the stables.
Dark thoughts were forming inside of his mind as he carved a path. The Agency wanted a fight? They thought they could take his kingdom? Fine. They were welcome to try. Hell, he even thought that some competition would be fun. But Shawn wasn’t going to just lie down and take it. No, no. Shawn was going to throw myself into the fray.
“Somat.” He told the driver coolly, as he stepped into the carriage. He nodded and struck the horses, quickly sending us off into the night. Shawn got as comfortable as he possibly could in the wooden seat, but deep down Shawn knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. A bloodlust had settled within him, and until the Prince finally took care of business, he wouldn’t be able to do anything else.
I mainly edited the quick and dirty to use third person, as well as throwing in some of The Moon and The Queen of Wands. It's not much of a third person example, but I figured I may as well do that so I can use it more easily for the product.
I mainly edited the quick and dirty to use third person, as well as throwing in some of The Moon and The Queen of Wands. It's not much of a third person example, but I figured I may as well do that so I can use it more easily for the product.
Well, there's a mixture of third person and first person in your writing above. I assume that'll be correctly edited/rewritten by the time you give me the final product, so won't nitpick on that. I can give you a better run down on Dahlia, though like I said, I don't mind if you don't stick with canon. :3
I mainly edited the quick and dirty to use third person, as well as throwing in some of The Moon and The Queen of Wands. It's not much of a third person example, but I figured I may as well do that so I can use it more easily for the product.
Well, there's a mixture of third person and first person in your writing above. I assume that'll be correctly edited/rewritten by the time you give me the final product, so won't nitpick on that. I can give you a better run down on Dahlia, though like I said, I don't mind if you don't stick with canon. :3
Ohh s**t, sorry, I was being a little to quick with it, my bad. Yeah, really, it'll be fixed by then.
Hmh, well, I think Dahlia's only going to come up that once since he said he was taking matters into his own hands. However, fi that part has some issues, let me know and I'll fix it up. I'm mostly going to focus on a few Agency members making the city revolt, probably ther Queen of Hearts and Jack of Clubs.
Ohh s**t, sorry, I was being a little to quick with it, my bad. Yeah, really, it'll be fixed by then.
Hmh, well, I think Dahlia's only going to come up that once since he said he was taking matters into his own hands. However, fi that part has some issues, let me know and I'll fix it up. I'm mostly going to focus on a few Agency members making the city revolt, probably ther Queen of Hearts and Jack of Clubs.
Figured as much. :3
Shawn travels with Dahlia members when he's going far from palace, so that's alright too. He mainly go with Jyzal (Death in Dahlia/Ace of Spades in Agency), who also lives in the palace. Really loved how you just kinda dove into their world, in any case ;D
Here, quick and dirty. formatting's probably gonna get ******** over
It was a perfect night; cool air, few people, and no stars. The streets were dimly lit, and I slowly walked along them taking the time to just enjoy the cool Parisian night. A sigh of satisfaction came from me, hands fumbling for a lighter.
“Need a light?” A feminine voice asked behind me. A cool, brisk wind whipped through my hair, and I turned around to see just who the hell was talking to me. The woman, dark skinned and slowly walking towards me, had on a dress dark enough to match the night. My tongue ran across my fangs for a second wondering if this were another meal, or another friend. The eyes, red as the meal I’d been hoping for, were proof enough I’d have to wait until later. “Relax, Aleph. I’m from Noctis.”
My eyes flashed. “Don’t sneak up on me,” I chided cooly. “Or else we’re going to have a real problem.”
Her finger wagged in front of me, raven black hair shaking a bit. “Temper, temper, little boy.”
“Little boy?” I said, instincts almost making me bare my teeth. Who the hell was this woman? Who did she think she was? “I don’t know who you think you are, but if you don’t spill just what you want, I’ll rip out your throat where you stand.”
The damn woman laughed, laughed at me. “Tough, are we? Or is it all a show? No matter. Noctis needs us, both of us Aleph.”
I had to raise an eyebrow. “Us? What the hell for?”
“The usual business.” The woman finally took out the lighter she’d long promised me, tossing it to me. “Someone needs to disappear, for political reasons. I’ve heard about you, so I’m sure you could care less about the details. For you, it’s all about the reward, isn’t it?”
What could I say? She wasn’t wrong. “Who and where?”
“The Grand Vizier of the Ottomans.” She must’ve seen my jaw drop and nodded in confirmation. “That’s right. Probably a bit bigger than anything you’re used to, hmh? And now. We’re going to be leaving now.”
“What? Why?”
“He’s in Athens, and his guard for the most part has fallen ill, thanks to another Noctis agent. We track him down, and make sure they’re crippled.”
I crossed my arms. The money had to be good, we were nearly killing a king. But what bothered me was just that. ‘We’. “I don’t work with others.” I told her with a scowl.
“I’m aware of that, Aleph. But this is what the Greater Wheel wants. Do you want your money or not?”
“How much?” I asked.
“Seventy three thousand.”
I had to blink multiple times and clear my throat a bit. “Seriously?” I rubbed my chin a bit and took a deep breath in. “Well, I’ll admit, you’ve won me over...what’s your name?”
“Elizabeth,” she said, her tongue visibly running over her fangs. “Elizabeth.”
Eh, the formatting's still readable, which is the important thing. Your style is well-suited to the world, and I liked the jab at Aleph's relative youth, considering it's not unusual for the smart/strong/lucky vampires to average out centuries. Also, points for Ottoman Empire. I'm definitely good with whatever you plan to do.
The only thing that might be worth mentioning: Aleph is usually less prone to giving away his state of mind, insult aside (that part was definitely in-character). It's not so out-of-character that it's a problem, but it does seem as though the above story would fall somewhere prior to the 'current' timeline, like an earlier mission during his tenure as Aleph, or even something from when he was still Zayin. It's not a dealbreaker kind of thing, but maybe something to keep in mind.
Here, quick and dirty. formatting's probably gonna get ******** over
It was a perfect night; cool air, few people, and no stars. The streets were dimly lit, and I slowly walked along them taking the time to just enjoy the cool Parisian night. A sigh of satisfaction came from me, hands fumbling for a lighter.
“Need a light?” A feminine voice asked behind me. A cool, brisk wind whipped through my hair, and I turned around to see just who the hell was talking to me. The woman, dark skinned and slowly walking towards me, had on a dress dark enough to match the night. My tongue ran across my fangs for a second wondering if this were another meal, or another friend. The eyes, red as the meal I’d been hoping for, were proof enough I’d have to wait until later. “Relax, Aleph. I’m from Noctis.”
My eyes flashed. “Don’t sneak up on me,” I chided cooly. “Or else we’re going to have a real problem.”
Her finger wagged in front of me, raven black hair shaking a bit. “Temper, temper, little boy.”
“Little boy?” I said, instincts almost making me bare my teeth. Who the hell was this woman? Who did she think she was? “I don’t know who you think you are, but if you don’t spill just what you want, I’ll rip out your throat where you stand.”
The damn woman laughed, laughed at me. “Tough, are we? Or is it all a show? No matter. Noctis needs us, both of us Aleph.”
I had to raise an eyebrow. “Us? What the hell for?”
“The usual business.” The woman finally took out the lighter she’d long promised me, tossing it to me. “Someone needs to disappear, for political reasons. I’ve heard about you, so I’m sure you could care less about the details. For you, it’s all about the reward, isn’t it?”
What could I say? She wasn’t wrong. “Who and where?”
“The Grand Vizier of the Ottomans.” She must’ve seen my jaw drop and nodded in confirmation. “That’s right. Probably a bit bigger than anything you’re used to, hmh? And now. We’re going to be leaving now.”
“What? Why?”
“He’s in Athens, and his guard for the most part has fallen ill, thanks to another Noctis agent. We track him down, and make sure they’re crippled.”
I crossed my arms. The money had to be good, we were nearly killing a king. But what bothered me was just that. ‘We’. “I don’t work with others.” I told her with a scowl.
“I’m aware of that, Aleph. But this is what the Greater Wheel wants. Do you want your money or not?”
“How much?” I asked.
“Seventy three thousand.”
I had to blink multiple times and clear my throat a bit. “Seriously?” I rubbed my chin a bit and took a deep breath in. “Well, I’ll admit, you’ve won me over...what’s your name?”
“Elizabeth,” she said, her tongue visibly running over her fangs. “Elizabeth.”
Eh, the formatting's still readable, which is the important thing. Your style is well-suited to the world, and I liked the jab at Aleph's relative youth, considering it's not unusual for the smart/strong/lucky vampires to average out centuries. Also, points for Ottoman Empire. I'm definitely good with whatever you plan to do.
The only thing that might be worth mentioning: Aleph is usually less prone to giving away his state of mind, insult aside (that part was definitely in-character). It's not so out-of-character that it's a problem, but it does seem as though the above story would fall somewhere prior to the 'current' timeline, like an earlier mission during his tenure as Aleph, or even something from when he was still Zayin. It's not a dealbreaker kind of thing, but maybe something to keep in mind.
Alright, yeah then. Making him a bit more closed off's no problem at all. Also, since Godsanity brought it up, third person or first person?
Alright, yeah then. Making him a bit more closed off's no problem at all. Also, since Godsanity brought it up, third person or first person?
I typically prefer third-person, just because I'm a little picky when it comes to the character's "voice," but I think you've got a good handle on Aleph already, so third or first-person is equally fine; I'll leave that choice up to you, and whichever you think would fit the story/your writing better.
100
100
200
