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Hey, I'm Kiki, and hot damn, this entire post sounds bitchy. Ah well... I really wanna work on my editing, so I've decided to edit some stories free of charge. Topic-wise, as long as your story isn't the written equivalent of porn, it's fine.

Of course, though, there's a catch: I'm a bit picky about what I edit. The criteria is listed below.

Criteria

1. Your writing must be, at least for most part, correctly punctuated, spelled, capitalized, etc. I am not Microsoft Word. I would rather shoot myself in the face than spend half an hour telling you s**t you could easily fix yourself.

2. I reserve the right to blatantly turn you down for no apparent reason. Sorry. Deal with it.


So that's about it. I think I'll just post this now.


[b]Username:[/b]
[b]Type of Writing:[/b]
[Insert writing here]
Kendra Rosewood's avatar

Greedy Receiver

holmium42


Username: Kendra4313
Type of Writing: fantasy.
The Echoes Rise

Doctor Markus Melody has been working for years to make the perfect pet for mankind. One that would be loyal, loving and helpful. One that not only will keep their masters company but one that will also help in everyday things. With the help of his partner, Doctor Rex Kalmere, he at last made animals that can be made to order to what their master needs. Can even make them some costumed looks. A person a can pick things like hair and eye color, fur markings and even a simple mark. Someone just comes in and tells the doctors what kind of pet they are looking for and they will give them a list of pets that will fit their needs. From there they add the little details. Dr. Melody has gotten much praise for his work. People call these pets Mels. Everyone wants one but they are costly to make. All the rich have at least one some have many. There are even some of the rich who have bought pets for their top workers to help them with everyday chores at home. One rich woman even had one thousand Mels to the poor. Her hope is that the poor will get more enjoyment out of life with Mels to take some of work. As of yet they can only do simple household chores, like doing the dishes, mow the lawn and so forth. Dr. Melody has hopes of one day making Mels that can do more. The world has become a much better place with the help of the Mels.
Dr. Rex has started to resent his partner. In his mind Dr. Melody may have been the one who came up with the idea but his dream never would have come true without him. Yet the public rains praise on Dr. Melody leaving him on the side of the road. No one even thinks of Dr. Kalmere when they think of the Mels. Everyday he watches his “partner” get worshiped by everyone while not even get a second glance himself. His hatred grows stronger everyday.
He started working on his on copies of the Mels. He stole some of the potion of each of the types of Mels and has been mixing them with his on touch of magic. His will destroy the world, make everyone pay for ignoring his masterful work. His will be better. His will rip mankind to peaces. People will bow at his feet, they will beg for their lives. Soon they will all see his glory.

Greg looked out across the yard at a white goat like Mel trimming the bushes of a house across the road. They were one of the lucky few who won the Mel lottery. Everyone in this district is to poor to fill their belly let alone pay a Me. Many who won one sold them for a chance to leave this place in hopes of their dreams coming true. Some kept them to make living here more bearable. Greg dreams of one day having one of his own. He wanted one that looked like the tigers of old but with blue fur. One that he could ride or maybe a monkey like Mel that could do his dishes or clean his clothes. He lets out a sigh then returns to mopping the floor. He has no hope of ever getting out of this dump. He wasn't smart, good at sports or anything else that may land him in a good school. His dad works full time at some dead end job and Greg fears that he would end in the same place. He never got to know his mom. She died giving birth to him. His dad loves him dearly. Other then his mother dying and the poor up bringing his life wasn't a bad one. He has great friends, a father who loves him and very normal life.
He puts the mop in the corner and starts to fill the sink with hot water. There is a knock on the door and he turns off the water before seeing who it is. When he opened the door he was pleased to see his friend Alec standing there. Alright Greg wasn't like most boys, he liked boys. He had no interest in girls other then friends. He knew at a young age that he liked boys. Alec is the only one he has ever told. He was off set about it for a while, he didn't talk to Greg for weeks but he calmed down. Things then returned to normal between them. However it also made it clear to Greg that he should be more careful of whom he told. As he grew older he saw that the world did not look kindly on his kind. Sometimes it made him feel lonely but as long he had a friend like Alec he knew he would be alright. He knew he may never find a love but he never really saw him in that kind of life anyway. Alec follows him in to the kitchen and takes a seat at the table while Greg returns to the sink to do the dishes. By now the water started to cool so he drains it before refilling it.
Alec rambles on about some girl he met the other day. Greg only half listens as he does the last of the dishes. There is a loud bang outside, followed by a screams. Alec rushes to the window only seconds behind Greg. Smoke filled the street and people ran with blood covering their faces. When the smoke thins he sees shadows moving towards them. A man walked out of the smoke with a smile on his face. Yelling out something That Greg couldn't hear above the screams of faceless shadows and the growls of something unknown. Alec pulls Greg from the window and a loud bang of the front door being ripped open. Alec pulls Greg in a small closet and shuts the door. They huddled there in the dark hoping that whatever it was wouldn't find them. They held each other close as the sounds of his home being ripped apart filled their ears. It seemed like hours that they sat in the dark. Long after the noise had stopped they finally dare to poke out their heads. When they saw no one there they left the closet to see that the home he always known in ruins. It was a wonder that they weren't found. Whole walls were missing and not much was in one peace.
“What could have done this?” Greg says out loud with out any real hope of an answer.
“I thought I saw a Mel tearing a man apart before I pulled you away from the window.”
“A Mel? A Mel couldn't do such things. They wouldn't.”
“I don’t believe what I saw ether.”
They stood among the ruins not sure what to do. A sound from outside made them jump and wrap their arms around each other, like that would bring some kind of safety. Then they hear a woman’s cry. They slowing make their way to one of the missing walls, not once letting go of each other. They peek around the side of the wall and see a world as torn a part as his home. The cry of the women draws them out of the ruined house. They walked down the road slowly and carefully, holding each other as tightly as they can with out coming to a stop. A few houses down they spot the woman among the ruins holding the body of a small boy. They start towards her when she sees them her crying softens. She holds the boy tighter to her and begins to rock back and forth.
“Is there anyone else still alive?’ Alec asks of the sobbing women.
She just shakes her head as she looks down at the boy’s face.
“Did you see what happened?” Alec asks.
“A man was laughing as Mels ripped and killed everyone. Dominic was supposed to be with his father. Why is he here? Where is my husband?” she looks up at them with tears flowing from her eyes. Greg reached out hand but then let it drop when she just looked at it. Alec finally let’s go of Greg and bends down next the women and wraps his arm around her. He gently pulls her to her feet, the boy still in his arms. They walk the ruined streets for hours digging through the rubble for more people. They found a few more but not many. Greg has tossed up everything he has eaten long ago. They have seen so many bloodily bodies. Many that have been torn a part. They arrived at the place Greg’s dad worked and it was as much of a ruin as everything else. They found none alive there but many bodies thrown about. Everyone who saw anything all say that it was Mels who did this. A few who owned Mels said that their Mel fought to save their life. That the things that were attacking looked like Mels but there was something off about them. They didn’t look right but with everything going on it was hard to say what it was. Over the next few days they wonder the streets pulling out who and what can be saved. They found two Mels cuddling up to their owners. One of the owners was alive but his arm was torn off. The other was dead and it toke great effort to get the Mel to leave its dead owner. When they came across the first, the one with the living owner, some of the people ran before finding out that the Mel fought to save their owner. He was the first they meet who were able to survive once the monsters got a hold of them. He felt lucky to have only have lost an arm. His Mel was able to stop the bleeding. Using the little skills it had for first aid that all Mels come with, the Mel wrapped the stump of his arm with torn sheets. We talked about what to do next. There were a few ideas. Some just wanted to rebuild and go on with life. Some wanted to hunt down the Mels, those who favored this looked at our two Mels with hate. Some wanted to go into hiding till we could figure out what has happened. After a few more days, with everyone growing hunger and food being hard to find, one of the guys who thought Mels were to blame tried to Kill one of the Mels. A fight broke out in the camp. After the death of a child who got in the way the fight stopped but they could no longer go on the way they have. Those who wanted to hunt left the group to do just that. Others started to build a new home. The father of the dead child was one who left on the hunt. He blames the Mels for the death of his son, thinking if it were not for them his son would still be alive. Greg and Alec left with those who chose to go in to hiding. They wondered for long months trying to find some where to be safe. They have seen many towns in rubble and a city that Greg has only ever heard of as a land of dreams that he would never see. They found a few more groups that started to rebuild. Some with a few Mels by their side many without. In the city bodies of Mels were piled on each other being burned. When they saw ours were ran out of the city by an angry mob. They wanted to kill the Mels. They lost a few people to that city. A few chose to stay, saying that the Mels aren't worth a life like that. Three were killed by the mob on the edge of the city. At long last hey found a cave at which they could live cozy enough. A river ran close to the cave opening and upon a deeper look into the cave the found a small stream flowing from a crack in a wall near the back. A puddle has formed below it. It was a dark damp place with low ceiling near the opening. Even Greg had to crawl to make it through. They only found the place because one of the Mels chased a rabbit in to it. After the Mel a few minutes one of the men went in after it. He came out shortly after and talked too few of the other men and a group went in together with a few flashlights in hand. They found a few animals living inside. Some of which they killed and made the first meal in long time that made the ache in their stomachs go away. Others were allowed to stay or leave on their own will. That night we slept in the cave with the feeling of warmth filling its wall with one big fire near the door to light it. Over the next few weeks they found many tunnels leading off in different ways. Some were narrow and only the smallest of us all could fit through. Some of the others were wide openings with columns of rock from the ceiling to the floor.
Over the next few years they made this place there home. Sending out scouts to find news of the world out side the caves and bring back food. Whole rooms have been carved out of walls with the hard work of men and women alike. The younger ones would gather what food they can find without wondering to far from the caves. Alec and Greg were the oldest of the kids so it was their job to keep a eye on the children. Slowly over the years they started small farms ones that were not easy to spot. They grew blueberry bushes and other things that one could be found in the forest in small patches. They even planted a few apple trees spread out through the forest. Their numbers are small, 50 of them in all live in the caves. There were also twenty-three Mels among them now. Some have left due to wanting to see what came of the world themselves. The news that came back was of a different world. One where a man named Rex Kalmere rules over a race that he calls Echoes. They look like Mels but are a twisted version of them. Them looked like Mels but for the arrow shaped point at the end of their tails. He tells them what to do and they do as he says. They seem to enjoy ripping people a part and the taste of blood. Mels fight them but Kalmere made many more of the Echoes then there ever was of Mels. There is a city filled with those who call themselves loyal to Kalmere. The city spring up around the home and lab of Kalmere. The news says the people call the city by many names but one name is rising above all over the others, Kaldren.
Small gatherings of people all over have come together to try to live as close to the way they have before the day of Echoes rise. Rex Kalmere rules over them with terror. Anyone who stands in the way or displeases him is fed to his Echoes.
The colony has grown to love their little world inside the caves. It’s peaceful and quiet. The only problem is that they live in fear of somebody finding them and taking away their happy home. When someone is seen in the forest everyone hides away in the caves with only two to keep an eye on the strangers till they leave. When scouts go out in the world they spread stories of demons living in this forest. The hope is that the fear will keep others out.
Greg and Alec never did find any of their family again but they never give up hope of one day seeing them again. Greg often has dreams of seeing his father wondering into the forest alone, Greg and Alec are put on watch of the stranger. When they get a closer look Greg sees it is his dad. He rushes to him and they live happily together in the caves.
Sadly it was only a dream. Greg and Alec are still close, only now Alec has a girlfriend. Tara is a sweet girl who could almost be found by Alec’s side. Their peaceful world would not last much longer. It was about to invade once again.

Greg lies in bed with a fever burning him. Tessa, the dog like Mel, lays beside him. Her purple fur feels soft and cool on his heated skin. Tessa was made to be more of a guard and a friend more then anything else. A rich man had him and five other Mels made for different uses. The man lives due to the protection of his Mels. Two of them died for him, he managed to make his way in to the outlands alone with his Mels. Another of his died due to illness. He land among us shortly before we found the caves. He now lives among us like one of us. His Mel now serves all not just their owner. Greg tries to get up but Tessa’s paw hold Greg down. In his fever he could swear he heard the screams from that long ago day. His ears are filled with the sound of growling and terror. Tessa leaves his side and hears sounds of fighting around him. Blackness fills his eyes and he slips away from the world.
When Greg wakes up Tessa is by him and Alec is holding a cold cloth to Greg’s forehead. They are in part of the caves that Greg hardly visits. In is a beautiful place with fluted columns between floor and ceiling, fashioned of salt; spires and steeples and pinnacles up thrust from the floor, long icicle-like pendants dangling from the vaulted ceiling. Everything was of good salt, but so marvelous were the salt sculptures that these things had been preserved undefiled.
Some in the colony had gone to a great deal of trouble to illuminate this place. It must have been hard to affix torches all around and up the arching walls to the very roof of the vault, as they had done. The resultant firelight, diffused throughout the translucent slat shapes, reflected back and forth inside the soaring dome of salt, a red glow fills the room, like being inside a sunset. Into a wall that nature had neglected to adorn, someone had carved a small but entire chapel - hollowed out, then furnished an rough wooden and some wooden seats.
It was a peaceful place and Greg used to love coming here before the chapel was built. He could no longer believe in a god who would let such things happen.
“Why are we here?” Greg asks in a week voice.
“The Echoes found us. They attacked us, killed them all. When I came into your room Tessa was fighting off two Echoes and you were laying there. I thought you were dead. I killed the Echoes with the help of Tessa. I came to your side and found you were still alive. Tessa toke you on her back and we brought you here. I bared the entry way with some wooden planks.”
“Where is Tara?”
“She and some of the others girls were out apple picking when the Echoes attacked. I hope that they managed to stay out of the Echoes sight.”
“I hope so.”
Greg felt like that was a lame thing to say but nothing else came to mind. The fever had broken but he still felt ill. He felt weak but he could no longer lie on the hard ground. He got shakily to his feet. Tessa stays close to his side. Greg had to use Tessa to stay standing up.
“What are we going to do now?” Greg asks.
“I want to go look for Tara but I can’t just leave you here alone. Not when you can hardly stand. After you get better we will think of what to do? Now you lay back down and rest.”
“I will be fine here alone. You and Tessa go look for Tara. I will be waiting here. Just be careful.”
“Tessa should stay with you at least. You are still too sick protect yourself.”
“You can’t go wondering around out there alone. Echoes might be around still. You take Tessa and you will find Tara and be back here before I can wake from the nap I am going to take.”
Alec gives a weak smile.
“Fine you lay down and Tessa and I will be back shortly, with Tara.”
Alec waits to see Greg to lay down before leaving. Greg is left alone in this cave that was made into a holy place, in the red glow like that of a sunset. He looks upon the tiny chapel that was lovely made and felt his guts twist. If god was real he ether doesn't care what goes on here or he enjoys seeing use fight for our lives. What if he was the really just a child playing a game with mankind? He makes both good and bad things happen just to see what we will do next. What if the god we pray to is behind all the bad things himself? What if he enjoys our pain and without him our world will be peaceful and kind? Greg looks away from the chapel unable to look at this lie that they were all raised to believe.
He decides that he can’t just lay there waiting. So with the help of a slat column He gets to his feet again using the columns to look about the cave room. He has not been back here in years. It was such a wonderful place, it is a shame that the chapel was made in here. It made sense that those who still wanted so much to believe in a higher power that cared for us would want to make it here. Where one could almost believe that anything could happen.
Alec didn't return till the next day. He came stumbling in with dried blood covering his right arm and side. A girl was holding Alec up. It wasn't Tara, it was a girl that Greg never talked to but have seen many times. He thinks her name is Lucy. Following after comes Tessa dragging something behind her. Greg walks over to see Tara is lying on a litter her face covered in blood. Deep claw marks cross her face and her left eye is barely holding in its socket. He gags at the sight of her and can feel acid coming up throat. He looks away from her.
“What happened?”
“The Echoes found us. They were tearing us a part when Alec and Tessa showed up. They were able to fight them off. They were too late to save the others. There was ten of us but only we our left. Why us? Why does God keep saving us and let those around us die?” Lucy starts to cry but doesn't let go of Alec.
Greg unties Tara’s litter from Tessa then takes a closer look at her wounds. He didn’t notice that Lucy has joined him till she put started to clean of the blood on Tara’s face. He looked around to find Alec sitting next to Tessa looking over at us. It hits Greg that Alec has not said one word since he got back. The look on his face is one of fear. A look he has not seen on his friend’s face since the day of the Echoes rise. Alec’s eyes stay on the form of Tara. Greg looks back at her to see that most of the blood is gone and it is clear that the wounds are deep. Her face will be forever scared and she may never be able to close her left eye again. It is a gruesome sight. Her soft features, her beauty forever lost. Her life is changed in more ways then before. She will never be same.

Days later they leave the caves behind. They enter the world for the first time since coming to the caves. They wonder in to a world unknown. One filled with danger and fear. One where at any moment death could fall on them. Alec’s right arm doesn't work quite right and Tara’s wounds are hardly healed but they couldn't stay in that cave forever. They let themselves feel safe there. They thought they could live out the rest of their lives in the dark but the harsh light of realty at last broke through and made it clear that you can hide from the world but the world will always find you. They are not sure what they are going to do but the four of them couldn't hide there any longer.

The first village they enter was a place called Meldren. The houses are simple but well put together. They have small farms and at first look the place seemed peaceful. It wasn't till they were sitting under a tree eating some of the apples they picked before leaving the caves behind that they saw that there was more then a quiet in this village. No one was talking to each other more then needed and they hardly glanced at the strangers among them. They didn't pay for anything. People just toke what they wanted and informed the person in charge what they where taking before moving on in the silence. Fear griped Greg’s heart as a Echoes walks on to the street from the shadows of a alleyway. The people flowed around it leaving a bubble around it. A effort was made not to go near the Echo or even look at it. The fear in the place made the air thick and hard to breath. The Echoes walked on by with out looking at the four. Greg was glad that they chose to leave Tessa in the forest. It would have been a big mistake to let her be seen here. They were going to see if they could find a inn here but now Greg just wanted to leave this place behind them. They glance at each other and with out a word they get to their feet and walk form the village to where they left Tessa. The whole way back to her Greg could hardly breathe. Fear numbed him and the world feel unreal. He didn't feel the fear lessen its grip till he saw Tessa before him. Her violet eyes look at as if asking if everything is okay. Greg wrapped his arms around her and felt like weeping but was able to hold it back. Lucy did cry softly hardly making a noise. They moved on, walking through the trees till the world around started to grow dark. Once the fire was lit and they sat around it they finally spoke.
“The Echo was just walking around the village and everyone just acted like it was a everyday thing.” Greg says in a raspy voice.
“I heard that they have taken over but I had no idea it was this bad.” Alec said.
“We should just go back to the caves. It was safer there. They won’t look for us there again. We can set up better camouflage or something.” Lucy says in a rush.
“We can’t go back to pretending the rest of the world doesn't exist.” Alec said.
“Why not?”
“Alec is right. We should have never retreated from the world to begin with. We just sat back as the world changed around us. We didn't bother or care what was going out side our stone walls. Sure we got news but did we ever give thought to the news we heard. We cared only for our on little lives. What is the point of living if you spend the whole time hidden away and never really live?” Greg was surprised by Tara. She never talked much before. That may have been the most he ever hear her say.
“I still think we should go back. We will die out here.”
“You can go back if you want Lucy but I don’t want to go on living away from it all.” Was all that Alec said before lying down under a blanket.
“You will see. We should have never left the caves.”
Nobody says anything after that and just laid down to sleep.

Greg just stared at the night sky till the first light of day started to fill the sky. Sleep finally came but it was not long before he was woken by the sounds of something in the distance. He turned over in his blankets to see Lucy packing up her things.
“Where are you going?” asks a half asleep Greg.
“I am going back to the caves, alone if I must.”
“What are you going to do all alone in the caves?”
“I will start over.”
“By your self?” Asked Greg.
She gives a huff before walking away back towards the caves. Greg looks around and sees the others are still sleeping and he wonders if he should wake them. He decided to let them sleep while he cleaned up the camp. He had all his stuff packed up and had a measly meal of partly rotted apples and stale bread waiting for them when they woke. Alec eats while he packed his things and Tara sat quietly as always nibbling away on the apple trying to avoid the rotted parts.
“I guess Lucy decide to leave with out us.” Alec says glancing at where Lucy had slept.
“She left about an hour ago. I thought about waking you but I figured there was no point. There was no talking her out of it and it is not like we could make her stay.”
“Lucy and I were friends before we went to the caves.” Said Tara.
“Oh, I am sorry. I didn't know that. I should have waked you.”
“No, its okay. She should have waked me not you.” Her voice sounded sad.
The rest of the morning went on in silence. They seem to be doing that a lot lately. Greg still was not sure what they were going to do. They didn't know anything about this world, well not much anyway. There was the fact that the Echoes wonder about the people and people live in fear. There was also the odd way that the market worked in Meldren. Did they all work like that or was it just Meldren? Alec leads the way though forest. Greg wishes he could be as brave as Alec and as smart. The next village they come across was not as net as Meldren. There was no sign to name the place. The houses were poorly put together. They decide that Alec would go in alone and we would wait for his return. We went back into the trees to set up camp. Alec was gone for a few hours. He returned with a bag full of food. He filled us in on the bit he was able to find out from the villagers. Like before no one talked in less they had too. He said they were shocked when they realized that Alec was not from there. They said that no one leaves their home unless they work for Kalmere. They asked where his badge was, all who work for Kalmere wears one. The few who would keep talking to him when it was clear he was not one of Kalmere’s men went on to tell him of what has came of the world. Money was no longer used. The Kalmere’s men bring in the supplies that each place is allowed each month. Every village has a set job. This village job is to grow corn. When the men dropped off the supplies they toke the corn with them. They had a quota of have much corn they must grow each year. If they don’t someone is killed for every hundred they are short. Everyone is forced to come to a clearing where people are picked at random, young and old. They then must watch as a
Echo slowly rips them a part. The screams and cries filling the ears of everyone. About three years ago there was no rain and no corn grew. Half of the village was killed that year. They also told that every two years Kalmere looks for a new bride. His men pick one girl from every village to bring them to Kalmere. The girl that is picked will be his wife for two years till the new bride is picked. Then she and the others girls are given to Kalmere’s men to be used as they pleased. Any of the girls displeases them will be given to the Echoes. Some of the girls try to kill themselves but those who are caught are given to a fate worse then death. Soon the hunt will be on for his new bride.
“We got to something. We can’t let Kalmere get away with this any longer.” Alec says with quiet anger.
“What can we do? There are just three of us and a Mel.” Said Greg.
“I am not sure but we got to do something.”
“Alec is right. We can’t just sit back while the world burns.” Tara said with her voice gaining more heat as she spoke.
“What good would it do if we get killed?” Greg’s fear had him in it grip.
“What good is it to live doing nothing? If we live in fear then there is no point in living.” Said Alec.
Greg sighs before giving a nod.
“Well, we better start planning on what to do then. We can’t just walk in there and tell Kalmere to stop. I just don’t think he will listen.”

Over the next few weeks they worked on coming up with a plan as they made their way towards Kaldren. They came to a small lonely house in the woods. They spent some time talking over if they should knock or walk around the clearing and moving on. They chose to knock, so with Tessa tense at their side they knock at the simple door. The door slowly opened and a shadowy figure appeared and it held something in its hand. It looked out at them and raising what now proved to be a gun it spoke in a low rough voice.
“What are you doing here?”
“Sorry to bother you but we were walking by and we spotted your house and we thought we would stop by. We were hoping that maybe you had some food to share.” Alec said in a sure voice.
The man then steps into the light with the gun still pointed at them. He looks at Tessa with glaring brown eyes.
“Show me your tail.”
Tessa showed her slick long tail. Of course he was checking if Tessa had a arrow at point at thee end of her tail.
“It’s a Mel. So you’re not one of Kalmere’s men.”
“No” Greg said stupidly.
Still glaring at them and the gun still pointed firmly at Tessa he tells them to come in. Alec leads the way into a small cluttered room. Books were piled around the edges and a fire was burning under a large pot in a simple carved stone fireplace. There was a small round table sitting next to a wooden chair with scrolls worked in to the arms and a Deer craved into the back. There is a narrow doorway too dark to see what is in it. The guy sits in the chair the gun resting on its arm still pointed their way, his finger on the trigger.
“What brings you here?”
“We have spent many years living cut off from the world. When we were attacked and forced to leave our home we found a world that is nothing like the one we had known. One ruled by fear.” Said Alec.
“Still doesn't tell me why you are here.”
“We are on our way to stop Kalmere. Even if we die trying we can’t just sit back and watch any longer.”
“What do you think you can do about it?”
“We are still trying to figure it out.” Said Tara.
He looked at them for a bit then put his gun on the table.
“If you are going to stop Kalmere you’re going to need more then a Mel to help you.”
“You are going to help us?” Greg asked.
‘My name Doctor Markus Melody, The maker behind Mels.”
“You’re Dr. Melody?” Said Tara with a touch of awe in her voice.
“Let me show you something.”
He leads them through the narrow doorway that leads to a staircase going down to a basement. It looked like some kind of lab and it was much bigger then the rickety house above them. It also held many doors.
“I had this place made years before I met Dr. Kalmere. I had it made as a place to get away and rest when things became too much in the city. When Kalmere showed up in my lab with his Echoes my Mels fought them off and I was able to escape. I came here and the Mels who made it out alive met me here. We have been living here since. The Mels stay here in the basement most of the time. Only going out at night and in pairs. We may be in the woods but there is no reason to take more risk then we need to. We have been visited a few times by Kalmere’s men. Thankfully they never thought to look past the front room and none knew me.”
“How many Mels do you have here?” Alec asks while looking around the room.
“About two hundred.” I kept making them when I could get a hold of the stuff to make them.
“We might be able to do something with this.” A grin crosses his face.

At long last they stood in on the outskirts of Kaldren. Kalmere’s lab towered over the city casting its shadow over many of the buildings. A wall is being built around it in dark gray stone. It looks a few months away from completion. It may help that the wall is unfinished. They were able to find a few people to join in their fight as they made the way there. They were a small army but one that was willing to die for a chance to rid the world of Kalmere and his Echoes. Alec enters the city alone to find what news he can get. Greg looked over the weapons they have made. They had barbed arrows with poison ready to put on the tips when they were ready to shoot; they had long wooden poles with a sharpened end. A few had guns they were able to hide away when Kalmere sent his men to take away any weapons that may be used on him. None was overly skilled on the weapons but there is not much to be done about that. They can’t afford the time it would take to train properly. Alec returned the next day with some good news. He has found a way in. However it evolves Tara taking a risk. He found out that the hunt for Kalmere’s new bride has begun and it turns out that men can bring their daughters to him to sell them to Kalmere’s use. If the girl is picked to be his new bride they get a larger sum. It doesn't matter what the girl looks like when they a sold into it. His men will use any women as long as there pleasures are met. The one who bring girls to sell stay as Kalmere’s guest till after he picks a new bride. So the plan is that Alec will take Tara to the lap and sell her to Kalmere and once inside he will wait till the sun has sets and he will open a door on the left side taking out the guard. The rest of us will sneak in to the lab. They will then overthrow Kalmere. Alec didn't want to risk Tara his plan was to have one of the guys dress up in her clothes and put a veil over his face but Tara wanted to do it. Once she heard that any girl could be sold even ugly ones she was sure she wanted to this. She wanted to help and this was the only way she would be able too.
So the next day Alec and Tara left. The rest of them got in to place to wait for the signal that the time has came but the night came and gone with no signal. Worry filled the men but their faith in Alec kept them waiting there on the spot. After a few days plans begun to save Alec and Tara. Greg couldn’t wait any longer while the other made plans and made his way to the lab himself. He saw a cart full of hay stopped by some guards and being looked over. After the guards were convinced that there was nothing hiding in the hay they started a search of the cart driver. While their back was turned Greg hid away in the hay. It was not much longer before the cart begun to move. When the cart stopped he peeked out of the hay to find himself near a stable. The driver started to unload the hay. While the driver was sitting down a bale of hay Greg sneaks out in to the yard. He keeps to the shadows when he can making is way inside. He sees a group of servants carrying baskets into a door being watched over by two guards. Greg slips in to the group and hopes to go unnoticed. The servants kept their eyes to the ground. Copying them Greg looked down avoiding the guard’s eyes. He was able to walk on by without an alarm being sounded. He found himself in a kitchen filled with servants busy over hot pots and cutting things up. There was a busy vibe in this place and no one stopped long enough to notice that there was a stranger among them. He grabbed a servant’s coat off a hook near the door. As he tried to exit the kitchen he was finally noticed.
“Hey you! Who do you think you are? Stop being lazy and take this tray to the table.”
The red haired woman stuffs a try into Greg’s hands and shoves him out the door. When he felt it was safe he placed the tray on a small table in a long hallway and started to look for Alec and Tara. He is surprised by the number of people wondering the halls and not one person looked at him twice. He wondered about acting as if he was dusting when ever he entered a room. He found a hallway with a guard at each end and no more marching from end to end. When he turned to go down this hall he had to fight back the fear and hoped the guards could not hear his heart pounding away in his chest. They stopped at the entry way and gave him search over then told him what rooms he could clean and the guards kept a eye on making sure he only entered the rooms he was told to. In each room was a girl. Not one was happy and they barely noticed that he was there; they were filled with sadness. He wanted so much to save them but he knew he was unable to do anything at this time. After six or seven rooms he entered one to find Tara sitting by a window looking out over the trees. She didn't look over when he entered the room.
“Tara! What happened? Where is Alec?”
She gave a start at the sound of his voice then rushed over and wrapped her arms around him.
“They are keeping a closer look on the men then he thought. There are two guards on him at all times and Echoes wonder the halls at all hours.”
“Where is he? Maybe I’ll be able to help him in some way.”
“I don’t know. I haven’t been able to leave this room since I got here. Alec is able to visit once a day but he was already here today.”
“I will have to go look for him. Don’t worry Tara, Alec will think of something.”
They hug again before Greg leaves. He has to continue to clean the other rooms to keep the guards form noticing that he does not belong there. He was about half through the rooms when a servant showed up to clean the rooms.
“Somebody is already cleaning the rooms.”
The servant glances down the hall at Greg.
“I was told to clean them. If someone is already cleaning them all the better. It will much faster with two of us doing it.” Said the light haired servant.
He the joined Greg in the next room. They cleaned the rooms without saying a word to each other. Once the cleaning was done they left the hall together and when Greg tried to turn left down another hall the servant grabbed is arm and pulled on to the right. The look he gives Greg makes him think of running for it but he knew that would be a bad idea. He was shoved in to a small room filled with buckets, mops, brooms and one small hard bed.
“What do you think you are doing? You don’t belong here. You could mess up everything you fool. Are you a follower Kalmere?”
Not sure what to say he just stares at the fair haired boy.
“It doesn't matter you wont be able to stop us if you are tied up. He pulls a rope from behind a pile of brooms.
“My friends will stop Kalmere. I am willing to die if brings his evil to an end.”
The boy stared at him then came at him rope in hand. After a short fight Greg was tied and gagged, stuffed under the bed and a sheet placed just so no one will be able to see him if then happened to look in.
He doesn't know how long he laid there, his muscles growing sore. When he heard the door open he tried to make noises to be heard but then a thought hit him that maybe he didn't want to be found by who ever entered the room. He was after all in the enemy camp. The sheet is pulled away and he is looking in to the green eyes of Alec. He pulls Greg out from under the bed and the boy is standing next to Alec staring down at Greg. Alec removes the rope allowing Greg to move is sore muscles.
“Sorry I had to leave you so long Greg but I had trouble getting away. When Dan here told me of some guy trying mess up our plans I wanted to come see who the fool was . What are you doing here anyway?”
“When you didn't give the signal the men grew worried. I had to come and get you.”
“Things didn't work out like I planed but I found that some of the servants and guards are planning a up rising. I wasn't able to send a message to you guys. I just hoped you guys would still be there and ready when the time came tomorrow night.”
“What is happening tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow is when Kalmere will have all the girls brought to his main chamber and he will chose his new bride. While he is busy with that we will attack.” The light haired boy answered.
The next few hours they talk through a plan. Greg then makes his way out of the lab and back to the waiting army. Once there he informed the men on the new plan. They spent rest of the day double checking the weapons and doing some last minute training. The next day then rested most of the day to have full energy for the attack. A few hours before sunset they readied themselves with Greg on the watch for the signal. An hour after darkness fell Greg sees what he has been waiting for and at long last the small army moves forward for its attack. They move as quietly as they can through the night. When they reach the door the light haired boy is waiting for them.
“Where is Alec?” Greg asks in a whisper.
“He had to go to the main chamber, so he sent me to get you guys in.”
They enter and make their way through the hallways with The boy leading the way. He puts up a hand for them to stop and puts a finger to his lips. He then gestures for Greg to look around the corner. When he looks he sees four guards standing by the door. Greg then looks back at the army following behind him and a idea strikes him. He whispers into the ear of Tessa and she picks out two other Mels to follow her. The three Mels round the corner walking as if they own the place. The guards move away from the door as they approached. They were almost past the door when one of the guards noticed their tails.
“They are not Echoes! Stop those Mels!”
The Mels Turned on the guards and the army came down the hallway. After the guards were taken care of they entered the main chamber. They enter a large chamber with massive square columns of marble thick-streaked with a red so dark it was almost black. An intricate fringe of gilded figures of Echoes bordered the high ceiling. Guards rimmed the edges of the chamber and girls were put in a line in the middle and a man that looked to be fifty to sixty years old, with mostly gray hair with just a touch of brown. Stood in front of the girls looking them over. He was wearing a dark blue coat embroidered with six-pointed stars in gold and black that was buttoned over his wide belly. His black pants had just a touch of blue embroidered into the legs. Men of all ages were sited in chairs to the side with more guards watching over them. When Greg and the army ran into the room everything became chaos. Some of the guards turn to fight the incoming army of men and Mels. A few of them turned on the other guards. Alec jumped from his seat among the men a grabbed a gun from a fallen guard. Battle raged all around them. Echoes entered the fray from another room. The girls huddled together in a corner. Tara was fighting off men protecting the other girls. The seemed to on for hours to Greg but it all came to a halt when Alec got Kalmere by the collar of his coat and held a dagger to his neck. He pushed just firmly enough to draw blood. Every one looked on the scene unable to say a word. Dead Echoes, Mels and men lay about the floor.
“Killing me wont stop the Echoes. Your world is doomed without me to control the Echoes.” Kalmere said in a voice like crumbling of dead leaves.
“The world would be better off without you, we will deal with the Echoes on our own. With the help of Mels we will put the world back in order. I wish I could bring myself to cut you down here but that would be to easy for you.” Alec said with a voice full of anger.
The Echoes started to fight once more and the chaos started up again. Kalmere’s laugh grew above the noise. Alec was forced to let Kalmere go when an Echo attacks him pushing him to the floor. Tessa Pulls the Echo off Alec and takes a bite of its leg. Kalmere runs to the door. Greg steps in between Kalmere and the door with a gun pointed at his chest.
“You are not going anywhere Kalmere. Alec may be to kind to end your terrible life but I wont think lose one bit of sleep over it.”
With all the chaos no one noticed when Kalmere fell to the floor with a bullet in his chest and his blood flowing to the marble floor. Greg looked down at the dying man with a touch of a smile on his lips. He joins the battle with no one seeing what just happened. When the sun came in to the sky Alec was standing before the winning army covered in drying blood. The dead was being lined up against a wall in a neat row. When Kalmere was found dead Alec asked who killed him but no one but Greg knew and he wasn't telling.

Over the following years Dr. Melody made more Mels using the supplies that was left in Kalmere’s lab. With the help of the Mels Alec lead a hunt of the Echoes. The world was still in chaos but it was slowly getting better. The army of Kalmere has gone into hiding but are still fighting to take down Alec. When Alec was not chasing down Kalmere’s army or the Echoes he was at home with his new wife, Tara. Her scared face didn't matter to him. He loved her and such simple things didn't matter. Greg stayed by Alec’s side most of the time, in his down time he had a string of secret lovers. The world was far from perfect but it was growing better by the day.
Kendra4313
holmium42


Username: Kendra4313
Type of Writing: fantasy.
The Echoes Rise

Doctor Markus Melody has been working for years to make the perfect pet for mankind. One that would be loyal, loving and helpful. One that not only will keep their masters company but one that will also help in everyday things. With the help of his partner, Doctor Rex Kalmere, he at last made animals that can be made to order to what their master needs. Can even make them some costumed looks. A person a can pick things like hair and eye color, fur markings and even a simple mark. Someone just comes in and tells the doctors what kind of pet they are looking for and they will give them a list of pets that will fit their needs. From there they add the little details. Dr. Melody has gotten much praise for his work. People call these pets Mels. Everyone wants one but they are costly to make. All the rich have at least one some have many. There are even some of the rich who have bought pets for their top workers to help them with everyday chores at home. One rich woman even had one thousand Mels to the poor. Her hope is that the poor will get more enjoyment out of life with Mels to take some of work. As of yet they can only do simple household chores, like doing the dishes, mow the lawn and so forth. Dr. Melody has hopes of one day making Mels that can do more. The world has become a much better place with the help of the Mels.
Dr. Rex has started to resent his partner. In his mind Dr. Melody may have been the one who came up with the idea but his dream never would have come true without him. Yet the public rains praise on Dr. Melody leaving him on the side of the road. No one even thinks of Dr. Kalmere when they think of the Mels. Everyday he watches his “partner” get worshiped by everyone while not even get a second glance himself. His hatred grows stronger everyday.
He started working on his on copies of the Mels. He stole some of the potion of each of the types of Mels and has been mixing them with his on touch of magic. His will destroy the world, make everyone pay for ignoring his masterful work. His will be better. His will rip mankind to peaces. People will bow at his feet, they will beg for their lives. Soon they will all see his glory.

I'm gonna start by saying I'm impressed with how much you wrote. I think I'll attempt to edit this in sections, because it's like 1:00 in the morning, and I'm much too tired and lame to edit it all now, but this way, I can maximize the awesomeness of my critiques.

A couple questions:
1) This has some serious potential to be an amazing allegory. Have you considered the possibility?
2) Why is, in their titles, Dr. Melody's last name used, but Dr. Rex uses his first name? It's kinda weird...
3) Is Dr. Melody maybe an inspired, idealistic dreamer? Or did he merely create these Mels to make money? What exactly was his motive? Similarly, I'm not completely understanding Dr. Kalmere's motives...I mean, I know he's jealous of his partner's fame, and he's feeling betrayed, but I feel like there needs to be more there, you know?

General Comments:
1) In general, the sentences are very short, and the words aren't super high-level. Consider going through and combining sentences. For example,
Quote:
Dr. Melody has gotten much praise for his work. People call these pets Mels.

...could be combined into something like "Dr. Melody has gotten much praise for his work on these pets, these 'Mels,' as they were commonly referred to."

Also, if you grab yourself a thesaurus and replace some lower level words such as "make" with a synonym such as "created," "produced," "spawn," etc. it would really contribute to a more mature voice throughout the piece.

2) I'm liking the idea behind this first paragraph, but I think if you more showed instead of told the reader about these Mels, it would be more powerful. Like, instead of explaining all this about the Mels, maybe follow someone going into the store to buy a Mel. You could have Dr. Melody say almost the same lines you've written to sort of sell this customer on his product...
Quote:
...(I) ha[ve] hopes of one day making Mels that can do more. The world has [already] become a much better place with the help of the Mels.
(The little brackets, in case you're confused, surround the parts of your quote I changed.)
And then Doctor Melody could mention something about he and his partner creating these Mels, and the customer could be all like "Partner? What partner?" Then you could have Dr. Kalmere in the background, maybe muttering
Quote:
"[My Mels] will destroy the world, make everyone pay for ignoring his masterful work. [Mine] will be better. [Mine] will rip mankind to peaces. People will bow at [my] feet, they will beg for their lives. Soon they will all see [my] glory.

More Specific Stuff
Quote:
Can even make them some costumed looks.

This line's a fragment. You have to add a subject, such as "The doctors." Also, this line's kinda confusing, but that probably has, at least in part, something to do with the lack of a subject.

Quote:
Someone just comes in...

This line's a little confusing. Consider revising to maybe "Some just come in...," or "Someone can just come in..."

Quote:
Everyday he watches his “partner”

The "everyday" here would actually be "every day"

Quote:
Everyone wants one but they are costly to make.

I'd add in a comma like so: "Everyone wants one, but they are costly to make."

Quote:
All the rich have at least one some have many.

I'd add in another comma and a conjunction: "All the rich have at least one, while some have many."

Quote:
In his mind

I'd lose these couple of words. The reader kinda already figures it's Dr. Kalmere, and the following lines lose some of the impact they have without "In his mind" preceding them.

Quote:
One rich woman even had one thousand Mels to the poor. Her hope is that the poor will get more enjoyment out of life with Mels to take some of work.

Quote:
All the rich have at least one some have many. There are even some of the rich who have bought pets for their top workers to help them with everyday chores at home.

These two quotes give off two completely opposite views of the rich. Are you trying to imply the rich people are spoiled, or kind and giving? I'd take out one of these two lines, based on which view you're trying to imply.
Quote:
He stole some of the potion of each of the types of Mels and has been mixing them with his on touch of magic.

For this line, I was confused. You might wanna specify before this line that the Mels are made with potions, or you could say something like "He stole some of the potions used to create each type of Mel, and has been mixing them with magic, his own unique touch."
Kendra Rosewood's avatar

Greedy Receiver

holmium42

A couple questions:

1) This has some serious potential to be an amazing allegory. Have you considered the possibility?
I have considered it, this story didn't turn out at all like I had planed, It was to follow the battle between the Mels and the Echoes more but it did not turn out that way. I plan on editing it and adding more after you go over it. I just like to have someone else do the first edit so I can get a fresh view before I do it. Then I like someone to go over it again. I go back and forth till I am happy with it as a whole.

2) Why is, in their titles, Dr. Melody's last name used, but Dr. Rex uses his first name? It's kinda weird...
When I sat down and started to write I was not firm on any name but Melody. I wrote this for NaNoWriMo, it is one of a few that I wrote in the last month. So for the time when I first wrote it, it was Dr. Melody and Dr. ----. I just filled in the blanks wrong.

Side note: The Doctor's name had to be Melody or something else that Mel would be a nickname. The Mels where the first part of this story to come in to being. My sister drew a pic of a dog that had horns and a few other things that were not dog like. She then colored it purple. She drew a few other animals all with horns and a dragon tail. She asked me what they should be called and I looked at my cat Melody and joking I said she should call them Mels. She said okay, she then asked me to come up with a short back story for them. It toke me only a few minutes to have a summery of how and why they came to be then a whole story just grew out of that.


3) Is Dr. Melody maybe an inspired, idealistic dreamer? Or did he merely create these Mels to make money? What exactly was his motive? Similarly, I'm not completely understanding Dr. Kalmere's motives...I mean, I know he's jealous of his partner's fame, and he's feeling betrayed, but I feel like there needs to be more there, you know?
Dr. Melody is a idealistic dreamer while Dr. Kalmere is more about money and glory.

General Comments:

1. My writing style is lacking, I am awful really. I am just glad not to get back that my spelling is so bad you wont do it. I do try to use better words when writing but when your doing NaNo it gets pushed to the side lines since the main point is to get the story out. Now I have About 10 short stories that I have to go through a edit.

2. I like that idea I will work in that way.


More Specific Stuff

Their are some nice rich people and some spoiled, more are spoiled but I didn't want to come across as all of them are.

This is a world of magic and science and I was trying to show that but it got lost.

Thank you so much for helping me. I am bad a grammar and stuff so I'm always looking for people who are willing to read over my writing. Sadly I don't know anyone in real life who is a reader, or who has time for it. Thanks again. You already have been of great help.
Kendra4313
holmium42


Username: Kendra4313
Type of Writing: fantasy.
The Echoes Rise
Greg looked out across the yard at a white goat like Mel trimming the bushes of a house across the road. They were one of the lucky few who won the Mel lottery. Everyone in this district is to poor to fill their belly let alone pay a Me. Many who won one sold them for a chance to leave this place in hopes of their dreams coming true. Some kept them to make living here more bearable. Greg dreams of one day having one of his own. He wanted one that looked like the tigers of old but with blue fur. One that he could ride or maybe a monkey like Mel that could do his dishes or clean his clothes. He lets out a sigh then returns to mopping the floor. He has no hope of ever getting out of this dump. He wasn't smart, good at sports or anything else that may land him in a good school. His dad works full time at some dead end job and Greg fears that he would end in the same place. He never got to know his mom. She died giving birth to him. His dad loves him dearly. Other then his mother dying and the poor up bringing his life wasn't a bad one. He has great friends, a father who loves him and very normal life.
He puts the mop in the corner and starts to fill the sink with hot water. There is a knock on the door and he turns off the water before seeing who it is. When he opened the door he was pleased to see his friend Alec standing there. Alright Greg wasn't like most boys, he liked boys. He had no interest in girls other then friends. He knew at a young age that he liked boys. Alec is the only one he has ever told. He was off set about it for a while, he didn't talk to Greg for weeks but he calmed down. Things then returned to normal between them. However it also made it clear to Greg that he should be more careful of whom he told. As he grew older he saw that the world did not look kindly on his kind. Sometimes it made him feel lonely but as long he had a friend like Alec he knew he would be alright. He knew he may never find a love but he never really saw him in that kind of life anyway. Alec follows him in to the kitchen and takes a seat at the table while Greg returns to the sink to do the dishes. By now the water started to cool so he drains it before refilling it.

Quote:
1. My writing style is lacking, I am awful really. I am just glad not to get back that my spelling is so bad you wont do it. I do try to use better words when writing but when your doing NaNo it gets pushed to the side lines since the main point is to get the story out. Now I have About 10 short stories that I have to go through a edit.

I'm a complete literary snob--it's gotten to the point where I can't read much without throwing the book on the ground repeatedly and making weird faces-- so the fact that I like your story enough to edit it says you have some serious potential to be an amazing writer. Eventually, if you just keep at it, you'll get to the point where you'll be like "Yep. I wrote this. Be jealous," and everyone will be blinded by your writing's amazingness 4laugh

Also, I've always wanted to do NaNo! I always start November going "I'm gonna write something this year, and it'll be amazing, and Shakespeare (who is, in my opinion, a talentless hack) will scream from his grave 'Why can't I be as amazing of a writer as Kiki?!" but I have the amazing inability to finish anything, so I haven't participated once. It's minorly disappointing.
Quote:
Thank you so much for helping me. I am bad a grammar and stuff so I'm always looking for people who are willing to read over my writing. Sadly I don't know anyone in real life who is a reader, or who has time for it. Thanks again. You already have been of great help.

I'm honestly ecstatic to hear that I'm actually helping heart

A couple questions:
1) I get the impression that Greg feels alone, feels inferior to others because he's gay, right? If so, I'd go through and change some lines such as "...did not look kindly on his kind" to "...did not look kindly on people like him" to amp up the emotional turmoil. I gave you some suggestions throughout the "More Specific Stuff" section.


General Stuff:
1) You have some verb tense issues; you start these paragraphs in past tense, then switch to present. I'd probably just change everything to present tense because most of it already is in present tense, so...
2) "Dr. Melody is a idealistic dreamer while Dr. Kalmere is more about money and glory." That actually clears a lot up. So, knowing this, I kind of get the impression that Dr. Kalmere, because he's in it for the money and glory and Dr. Melody really isn't, almost hates Dr. Melody out of jealousy of the guy's vision and optimistic beliefs, in addition to the fact that Dr. Melody's got the money and glory that Dr. Kalmere wants. If I were you, I might add something to the first paragraph that has Dr. Kalmere mock Dr. Melody's naivety in believing he can change the world. I think it would add some more character depth.
3) "Their are some nice rich people and some spoiled, more are spoiled but I didn't want to come across as all of them are." I personally am very influenced by classic Romantic and Gothic writers, so I'm always with the philosophy of making a point, whether or not it is completely 100% true...like I know not all rich people are snobbish, but usually when I portray them, I play with these sort of stereotypes. I personally would either portray the rich as either super good or super evil, but this is completely a matter of opinion, so feel free to completely ignore this.

More Specific Stuff:
Quote:
Greg looked out across the yard at a white goat like Mel

"Goat like" would actually be "goat-like" here.
Quote:
Everyone in this district is to poor to fill their belly let alone pay a Me.

The last part of this sentence ("...let alone pay a Me" ) kinda confused me. Did you mean "let alone pay for a Mel"? Also, you need a comma, and a different "to": "Everyone in this district is too poor to fill their belly, let alone pay a Me."
Quote:
He lets out a sigh then returns to mopping the floor.

Commas again: "He lets out a sigh, then returns to mopping the floor."
Quote:
As he grew older he saw that the world did not look kindly on his kind.

You need a comma: "As he grew older, he saw that the world did not look kindly on his kind." Also, it's a little weird to say "...look kindly on his kind," just because there's a lot of the word "kind" in one sentence. I'd probably change "kind" to "people like him." See above "A Couple Questions" section.
Quote:
When he opened the door he was pleased to see his friend Alec standing there. Alright Greg wasn't like most boys, he liked boys.

You need a comma in both sentences, and you should probably add a semicolon in the second sentence: "When he opened the door, he was pleased to see his friend Alec standing there. Alright, Greg wasn't like most boys; he liked boys. In addition, this transition from seeing his friend to talking about how he's gay feels kinda awkward. If possible, I feel like it would be more natural to somehow show that Greg likes boys than tell...Maybe you could add to the line "He wasn't smart, good at sports or anything else that may land him in a good school," and make it "He wasn't smart, good at sports or anything else that may land him in a good school, and the only interest he had in sports anyway was staring at the fit football players," or something.
Quote:
Other then his mother dying and the poor up bringing his life wasn't a bad one.

I feel like this line wants to be sort of heart-breakingly upbeat; it seems like when you find out the college you had set your heart on rejected you, and then you feel like a complete spoiled little piece of crap because the kids in Africa are starving and can't even go to college. The whole "Other then his mother dying and the poor up bringing..." just seems to sort of summarize what you already said and almost takes away from that raw emotion.
Quote:
He had no interest in girls other then friends. He knew at a young age that he liked boys.

This I'd probably change into a really short little anecdote that kinda gives us a view into his early life, something like: "Even when his friends first started really noticing the girls, he never really saw the appeal."
Quote:
He was off set about it...

You'd have to change this a bit: "He was offset by it..."
Quote:
...he didn't talk to Greg for weeks but he calmed down.

For one, you should probably start a new sentence where this quote begins. For two, I don't feel like there's enough emotion in this line, as there ought to be. I want to feel Greg's intense feeling of rejection, the misery of being alone, the loneliness...you know what I mean? Maybe you could change these lines to something like "It was a miserable couple of weeks when Greg had come home and picked up the phone to talk to Alec about something stupid-- the squirrel he saw walking home that starting attacking people was definitely rabid-- only to realize that calling him would be a wasted endeavor; Alec wouldn't talk to queers. Eventually, Alec called and apologized, and..." and here is where I'd continue with what you have written.
Quote:
Sometimes it made him feel lonely but as long he had a friend like Alec he knew he would be alright.

More comma stuff: "Sometimes it made him feel lonely, but as long as he had a friend like Alec, he knew he would be alright."
Quote:
By now the water started to cool so he drains it before refilling it.

Some verb tense weirdness, and a few missing commas: 'By now, the water has started to cool, so he drains it before refilling it."
Quote:
...Greg fears that he would end in the same place.

I'd just add the word "up" into the sentence and fix the verb tense issues: "Greg fears that he will end up in the same place." Also, I'd change "fears" to something more dramatic..."is terrified" maybe.
Quote:
They were one of the lucky few who won the Mel lottery...Many who won one sold them for a chance to leave this place in hopes of their dreams coming true.

I'd suggest adding something in that explains why they hold these Mel lotteries instead of just normal lotteries. It strikes me as a little weird without some sort of explanation.
Quote:
He wanted one that looked like the tigers of old but with blue fur. One that he could ride or maybe a monkey like Mel that could do his dishes or clean his clothes.

I like the fact that you convey Greg's dislike of chores and his tendency towards dreaming with these lines. However, I feel like you need to add in a bit more to reflect even more of Greg's personality. For example, you could do something like this: "He wanted one that looked like the tigers of old-- powerful beasts that stalked on four strong legs with deadly confidence, the kings of their domain-- but with blue fur. One that he could ride, or maybe a monkey-like Mel--with the same vast capacity for learning of a real monkey--that could do his dishes or clean his clothes." Something like this could help convey the sort of jealousy Greg appears to have of the smart, or the strong, and his strong desire to be like these people, which was also conveyed by the lines "He wasn't smart, good at sports or anything else that may land him in a good school."
Kendra Rosewood's avatar

Greedy Receiver

holmium42

Quote:
I'm a complete literary snob--it's gotten to the point where I can't read much without throwing the book on the ground repeatedly and making weird faces-- so the fact that I like your story enough to edit it says you have some serious potential to be an amazing writer. Eventually, if you just keep at it, you'll get to the point where you'll be like "Yep. I wrote this. Be jealous," and everyone will be blinded by your writing's amazingness 4laugh

I am glad to read that my writing is not a complete waste of time. heart

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Also, I've always wanted to do NaNo! I always start November going "I'm gonna write something this year, and it'll be amazing, and Shakespeare (who is, in my opinion, a talentless hack) will scream from his grave 'Why can't I be as amazing of a writer as Kiki?!" but I have the amazing inability to finish anything, so I haven't participated once. It's minorly disappointing.

This was my 3rd time doing NaNo and the 2nd time I reached the end goal. I tend to stick to short stories for NaNo. The rest of the year I work on editing those and working on a novel.

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A couple questions:
1) I get the impression that Greg feels alone, feels inferior to others because he's gay, right? If so, I'd go through and change some lines such as "...did not look kindly on his kind" to "...did not look kindly on people like him" to amp up the emotional turmoil. I gave you some suggestions throughout the "More Specific Stuff" section.

He does feel a bit inferior. He is always worried how people will react to finding out.


General Stuff:
Quote:
1) You have some verb tense issues; you start these paragraphs in past tense, then switch to present. I'd probably just change everything to present tense because most of it already is in present tense, so...

Sorry this is a problem I am aware of. I do it a lot for some reason. I never see it myself when I edit but the few times I was able to find someone else to look them over this is brought up 90% of the time. I should have told you.
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2) "Dr. Melody is a idealistic dreamer while Dr. Kalmere is more about money and glory." That actually clears a lot up. So, knowing this, I kind of get the impression that Dr. Kalmere, because he's in it for the money and glory and Dr. Melody really isn't, almost hates Dr. Melody out of jealousy of the guy's vision and optimistic beliefs, in addition to the fact that Dr. Melody's got the money and glory that Dr. Kalmere wants. If I were you, I might add something to the first paragraph that has Dr. Kalmere mock Dr. Melody's naivety in believing he can change the world. I think it would add some more character depth.

I will do that.
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3) "Their are some nice rich people and some spoiled, more are spoiled but I didn't want to come across as all of them are." I personally am very influenced by classic Romantic and Gothic writers, so I'm always with the philosophy of making a point, whether or not it is completely 100% true...like I know not all rich people are snobbish, but usually when I portray them, I play with these sort of stereotypes. I personally would either portray the rich as either super good or super evil, but this is completely a matter of opinion, so feel free to completely ignore this.

I will think on this.

More Specific Stuff:
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The last part of this sentence ("...let alone pay a Me" ) kinda confused me. Did you mean "let alone pay for a Mel"? Also, you need a comma, and a different "to": "Everyone in this district is too poor to fill their belly, let alone pay a Me."

I did mean Mel. "Everyone in this district is too poor to fill their belly, let alone pay for a Mel."

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this transition from seeing his friend to talking about how he's gay feels kinda awkward. If possible, I feel like it would be more natural to somehow show that Greg likes boys than tell...Maybe you could add to the line "He wasn't smart, good at sports or anything else that may land him in a good school," and make it "He wasn't smart, good at sports or anything else that may land him in a good school, and the only interest he had in sports anyway was staring at the fit football players," or something.

The plan was to write Greg as having a crush on Alec but then I thought that is a bit over done. I forgot to go back and change the way it got brought up.
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I feel like this line wants to be sort of heart-breakingly upbeat; it seems like when you find out the college you had set your heart on rejected you, and then you feel like a complete spoiled little piece of crap because the kids in Africa are starving and can't even go to college. The whole "Other then his mother dying and the poor up bringing..." just seems to sort of summarize what you already said and almost takes away from that raw emotion.

I get what your saying. I will fix that.
."
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...he didn't talk to Greg for weeks but he calmed down.

For one, you should probably start a new sentence where this quote begins. For two, I don't feel like there's enough emotion in this line, as there ought to be. I want to feel Greg's intense feeling of rejection, the misery of being alone, the loneliness...you know what I mean? Maybe you could change these lines to something like "It was a miserable couple of weeks when Greg had come home and picked up the phone to talk to Alec about something stupid-- the squirrel he saw walking home that starting attacking people was definitely rabid-- only to realize that calling him would be a wasted endeavor; Alec wouldn't talk to queers. Eventually, Alec called and apologized, and..." and here is where I'd continue with what you have written.

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Sometimes it made him feel lonely but as long he had a friend like Alec he knew he would be alright.

I like that idea I will write in something like that. Thanks!

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I'd suggest adding something in that explains why they hold these Mel lotteries instead of just normal lotteries. It strikes me as a little weird without some sort of explanation.

The rich woman who gave Mels to the poor did a lottery to chose who to give them too.

That was very helpful thank you. I will get working on those changes as soon as I can. I just have to finish one more short story before I start editing. I just thought I would get ahead start by having someone go over this one while I wrap up the one I'm writing.
Kendra4313
holmium42


Username: Kendra4313
Type of Writing: fantasy.
The Echoes Rise
A Couple Questions:
I have no real questions this time. Good for you biggrin
General Stuff:
1) You switch verb tense a lot, as mentioned before.
2) I still feel like you need to convey more emotion with what you're writing, maybe pick specific words out to show more feelings without actually specifically saying anything more.

More Specific Stuff:
Alec rambles on about some girl he met the other day. Greg only half listens as he does the last of the dishes. There is a loud bang outside, followed by a screams. Alec rushes to the window only seconds behind Greg. Smoke filled the street and people ran with blood covering their faces. When the smoke thins he sees shadows moving towards them. A man walked out of the smoke with a smile on his face. Yelling out something That Greg couldn't hear above the screams of faceless shadows and the growls of something unknown. Alec pulls Greg from the window and a loud bang of the front door being ripped open. Alec pulls Greg in a small closet and shuts the door. They huddled there in the dark hoping that whatever it was wouldn't find them. They held each other close as the sounds of his home being ripped apart filled their ears. It seemed like hours that they sat in the dark. Long after the noise had stopped they finally dare to poke out their heads. When they saw no one there they left the closet to see that the home he always known in ruins. It was a wonder that they weren't found. Whole walls were missing and not much was in one peace.
“What could have done this?” Greg says out loud with out any real hope of an answer.
“I thought I saw a Mel tearing a man apart before I pulled you away from the window.”
“A Mel? A Mel couldn't do such things. They wouldn't.”
“I don’t believe what I saw ether.”
They stood among the ruins not sure what to do. A sound from outside made them jump and wrap their arms around each other, like that would bring some kind of safety. Then they hear a woman’s cry. They slowing make their way to one of the missing walls, not once letting go of each other. They peek around the side of the wall and see a world as torn a part as his home. The cry of the women draws them out of the ruined house. They walked down the road slowly and carefully, holding each other as tightly as they can with out coming to a stop. A few houses down they spot the woman among the ruins holding the body of a small boy. They start towards her when she sees them her crying softens. She holds the boy tighter to her and begins to rock back and forth.


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There is a loud bang outside, followed by a screams. Alec rushes to the window only seconds behind Greg.

For one, I feel like you should start a new paragraph or something here, because this is a huge moment, you know? It doesn't feel dramatic enough, and you really should add some more graphic, disturbing word choice to get the whole panicked, abominable feel across. I'd maybe do something like this:
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Alec rambles on about some girl he met the other day. Greg only half listens as he does the last of the dishes.

Bang.
Bang.

There was an awful sound like gunshot, or metal screeching through flesh. Alec rushes to the window only seconds behind Greg. Smoke filled the street and people ran with blood devouring the pale color of terrified faces.

Also, I feel like Alec and Greg should have more of a reaction to this. Since Greg is washing dishes, maybe he could drop the dish he's washing on the floor and it could shatter. Or maybe, if you wanted to convey that the neighborhood's really rough and this kind of thing happens all the time, Greg could just calmly set down the dish and move to the window.
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When the smoke thins he sees shadows moving towards them.

More comma stuff: "When the smoke thins, he sees..."
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Yelling out something That Greg...

This is some weird mid-sentence capitalization that I figure was just completely accidental.
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Alec pulls Greg from the window and a loud bang of the front door being ripped open.

This line confused me. So Greg's house's front door was just ripped open, right? Either way, I'd clarify this a bit more, and separate this line into two sentences: "Alec pulls Greg from the window. There is a loud bang of the front door being ripped open." Also, I'd use something different than "bang" because you already used that in a previous line.
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They huddled there in the dark hoping that whatever it was wouldn't find them.

Another comma thing: "They huddled there in the dark, hoping that whatever it was wouldn't find them."
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They held each other close as the sounds of his home being ripped apart filled their ears.

I don't feel like there's enough emotion here. I mean, Greg's house is being ripped apart, and, even though he's scared for his life, I still feel like he'd have this illogical sadness, or anger, or, if he really hates this house that much, maybe even some sick happiness. Also, I'd find a synonym for "ripped" here, because you used that word already.
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Long after the noise had stopped they finally dare to poke out their heads. When they saw no one there they left the closet to see that the home he always known in ruins.

Some more comma stuff, and the last part of the second sentence is a little weird: "Long after the noise had stopped, they finally dared to poke out their heads. When they saw no one there, they left the closet to see the home Greg had always known in ruins."
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It was a wonder that they weren't found.

I wouldn't use "wonder" here...it sounds too mechanical, I guess, and it doesn't show how lucky Greg and Alec must feel to be alive. If Greg's particularly religious, you could say "It was an act of God..." or you could just use "miracle" or something if he's not.
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Whole walls were missing and not much was in one peace.

You used the wrong "peace." "Peace" is actually "piece" here.
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“What could have done this?” Greg says out loud with out any real hope of an answer.

You changed from past tense to present tense here. Also, instead of "Greg says out loud with out any real hope of an answer" I'd substitute in something that shows a little bit more of the emotion Greg's feeling, such as: "Greg throws out hopelessly to the universe."
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“I thought I saw a Mel tearing a man apart before I pulled you away from the window.”
You should really add a tag to this to clarify who's talking and, if you add this tag, I'd do something like this: "Alec whispered out hesitantly." I feel like something like this kinda shows how Alec isn' t even trusting his own eyes, because the idea of a Mel attacking someone is so ridiculous.
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“A Mel? A Mel couldn't do such things. They wouldn't.”

I'd just change this line a little bit: "A Mel? A Mel couldn't do such things...They wouldn't." I feel like the ellipse adds a certain element of Greg's own self-doubt in his ideas of Mels.
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“I don’t believe what I saw ether.”

For one, "ether" would be "either" here. (I think ether's a chemical, or the sky, or something. Can't remember...). Also, if you take my advice on the preceding lines, then you'll be showing that Alec doesn't believe what he saw, and you can completely get rid of this line.
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They stood among the ruins not sure what to do.

Comma: "They stood among the ruins, not sure what to do." Also, I feel like this line doesn't quite convey enough confusion, enough hopelessness and fear that Alec & Greg must be feeling. I'd fix this line a bit, like so: "They stood among the ruins of a home like survivors of an apocalypse, not sure what to do when everything they knew about Mels had been brought to question."
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A sound from outside made them jump and wrap their arms around each other, like that would bring some kind of safety.

I really like this line, and what you're trying to do here. However, the last part of this sentence sounds a little too impersonal, a little too rational. I'd alter the sentence a bit: A sound from outside made them jump and subconsciously wrap their arms around each other, like if they just believed, like if they just held each other close and shut their eyes, everything would be alright."
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Then they hear a woman’s cry.

You changed verb tense again here.
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They slowing make their way to one of the missing walls, not once letting go of each other.

"Slowing" should be "slowly." You switched verb tense again. Also, I'd specify, where you said "one of the missing walls" that said missing wall is from Greg's house: "...one of the missing walls of the remains of Greg's home."
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They peek around the side of the wall and see a world as torn a part as his home. The cry of the women draws them out of the ruined house.

First off, "a part" is "apart" here. Instead of something as impersonal as "torn apart," I'd use something like "wrecked" that conveys a bit more emotion. Secondly, I'd switch the order of these two lines.
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They walked down the road slowly and carefully, holding each other as tightly as they can with out coming to a stop.

You switched verb tense in the middle of a sentence here, which was kinda weird.
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A few houses down they spot the woman among the ruins holding the body of a small boy.

First, you need a comma: "A few houses down, they..." Next, I'd use a different word than "ruins" because you've already used that word quite a bit. Last, instead of "...holding the body of a small boy," you should write something that absolutely repulses the reader, something horrific, you know? I'd change it to: "...desperately clutching the bloody carcass of what seemed to resemble a small boy, though the body had been dismembered almost to the point of being unrecognizable, and a few of what must have been a boy's appendages rested in a gory pile next to the woman who must have been his mother."
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They start towards her when she sees them her crying softens.

This sentence is slightly confusing, but adding an "and" would really help clarify it: "They start towards her and, when she sees them, her crying softens." Also, I'd add on to the end something like "...her crying softens self-consciously" or "her crying softens until the only clue to the woman's misery is her shaking shoulders. "Her crying softens" just strikes me as a little odd on its own, though I'm not quite sure why.
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She holds the boy tighter to her and begins to rock back and forth.

I'd add in something (for example: "She holds the boy tighter to her, sheltering him in death as she couldn't in life, and begins to rock back and forth" ) to kinda convey the guilt the woman must feel that she's alive, and her son is not.
Username: Vyscaria
Type of Writing: Historical- Syria, High Middle Ages
Izzah wishes she could write.

If she could write, she would record her life’s victories and failures for her children to look at one day. If even she could draw, she would use the sharp end of her hairpins and scratch tiny images of irrelevant things all over the walls- flowers, a stream of water, a vulture, a camel, a shining jewel. And then when Sharma comes to spread mud and dung into the cracks in the walls as she always does once every few sleeps, she would see the scratches. Perhaps she would even trace the clean lines with her fingers, withered like dried dates. Secretly, Izzah hopes Sharma would wonder about the life outside of the city, out far at the edge of the desert, what it must be like to live free. After a few moments, she would blink and remember her task.

Sharma has been a servant since her birth. She knows nothing else. Izzah is caught in that vast chasm between pity and envy, and so the women never speak to each other. They perform their domestic duties independent of one another, and in this way they have managed to peacefully co-exist since Izzah became wife to her nobleman husband.

But alas, she cannot write. Neither can she read, nor has she an artist’s hand.

Because of this, she is afraid.

She does not dare tell anyone. Not her husband who eases into their shared bed each night to pry her legs apart, not the women she calls her friends, and certainly not Sharma. They don’t understand what it is like to miss the desert winds, to yearn for the clean air there amongst the dunes. She keeps the secret of her treacherous fear locked tight in her chest, so it would not make its way up her throat and out her mouth.

In the mornings she rises earlier than the sun, a cherished habit of her past. She washes herself in the servant’s bathhouse and loves the austerity of it; the rough towels, the cheap soaps, and the fact that water did not come from a hole in the wall. She preferred these things to the frivolousness that was the women’s bathhouse.

She prides herself on her discipline- her life has been carefully structured so that every day she is reminded again and again of the palimpsest memories that threaten to slip away. Sharma doesn’t like it when Izzah insists on drawing her own bathwater from the well, but she has learned to keep her quiet. Still, Izzah gazes upon the full bucket of water and her heart flutters in a way only a desert woman knows.

Her father died in the constant war over water, and so did his father before him. If Abdul had not married her, she would probably be dead, buried in the sands somewhere in the vast desert that was her home.
Kendra Rosewood's avatar

Greedy Receiver

holmium42


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There is a loud bang outside, followed by a screams. Alec rushes to the window only seconds behind Greg.

For one, I feel like you should start a new paragraph or something here, because this is a huge moment, you know? It doesn't feel dramatic enough, and you really should add some more graphic, disturbing word choice to get the whole panicked, abominable feel across. I'd maybe do something like this:

I will change the place of the start. Their is no guns being used just the man sending out the Echos for attack.

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Also, I feel like Alec and Greg should have more of a reaction to this. Since Greg is washing dishes, maybe he could drop the dish he's washing on the floor and it could shatter. Or maybe, if you wanted to convey that the neighborhood's really rough and this kind of thing happens all the time, Greg could just calmly set down the dish and move to the window.

It is a rough neighorhood. So i'll have him set the dish down or something.

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They held each other close as the sounds of his home being ripped apart filled their ears.

I don't feel like there's enough emotion here. I mean, Greg's house is being ripped apart, and, even though he's scared for his life, I still feel like he'd have this illogical sadness, or anger, or, if he really hates this house that much, maybe even some sick happiness. Also, I'd find a synonym for "ripped" here, because you used that word already.

I will think on how I want to convey this.

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“I thought I saw a Mel tearing a man apart before I pulled you away from the window.”
You should really add a tag to this to clarify who's talking and, if you add this tag, I'd do something like this: "Alec whispered out hesitantly." I feel like something like this kinda shows how Alec isn' t even trusting his own eyes, because the idea of a Mel attacking someone is so ridiculous.
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“A Mel? A Mel couldn't do such things. They wouldn't.”

I'd just change this line a little bit: "A Mel? A Mel couldn't do such things...They wouldn't." I feel like the ellipse adds a certain element of Greg's own self-doubt in his ideas of Mels.
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“I don’t believe what I saw ether.”

For one, "ether" would be "either" here. (I think ether's a chemical, or the sky, or something. Can't remember...). Also, if you take my advice on the preceding lines, then you'll be showing that Alec doesn't believe what he saw, and you can completely get rid of this line.

I'll add the tag line the other stuff you brought up.

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A few houses down they spot the woman among the ruins holding the body of a small boy.

First, you need a comma: "A few houses down, they..." Next, I'd use a different word than "ruins" because you've already used that word quite a bit. Last, instead of "...holding the body of a small boy," you should write something that absolutely repulses the reader, something horrific, you know? I'd change it to: "...desperately clutching the bloody carcass of what seemed to resemble a small boy, though the body had been dismembered almost to the point of being unrecognizable, and a few of what must have been a boy's appendages rested in a gory pile next to the woman who must have been his mother."

I like the horrific way.

Very helpful notes. You gave me lots to work on thank you.
Kendra4313
holmium42


Username: Kendra4313
Type of Writing: fantasy.
The Echoes Rise
“Is there anyone else still alive?’ Alec asks of the sobbing women.
She just shakes her head as she looks down at the boy’s face.
“Did you see what happened?” Alec asks.
“A man was laughing as Mels ripped and killed everyone. Dominic was supposed to be with his father. Why is he here? Where is my husband?” she looks up at them with tears flowing from her eyes. Greg reached out hand but then let it drop when she just looked at it. Alec finally let’s go of Greg and bends down next the women and wraps his arm around her. He gently pulls her to her feet, the boy still in his arms. They walk the ruined streets for hours digging through the rubble for more people. They found a few more but not many. Greg has tossed up everything he has eaten long ago. They have seen so many bloodily bodies. Many that have been torn a part. They arrived at the place Greg’s dad worked and it was as much of a ruin as everything else. They found none alive there but many bodies thrown about. Everyone who saw anything all say that it was Mels who did this. A few who owned Mels said that their Mel fought to save their life. That the things that were attacking looked like Mels but there was something off about them. They didn’t look right but with everything going on it was hard to say what it was. Over the next few days they wonder the streets pulling out who and what can be saved. They found two Mels cuddling up to their owners. One of the owners was alive but his arm was torn off. The other was dead and it toke great effort to get the Mel to leave its dead owner. When they came across the first, the one with the living owner, some of the people ran before finding out that the Mel fought to save their owner. He was the first they meet who were able to survive once the monsters got a hold of them. He felt lucky to have only have lost an arm. His Mel was able to stop the bleeding. Using the little skills it had for first aid that all Mels come with, the Mel wrapped the stump of his arm with torn sheets. We talked about what to do next. There were a few ideas. Some just wanted to rebuild and go on with life. Some wanted to hunt down the Mels, those who favored this looked at our two Mels with hate. Some wanted to go into hiding till we could figure out what has happened. After a few more days, with everyone growing hunger and food being hard to find, one of the guys who thought Mels were to blame tried to Kill one of the Mels. A fight broke out in the camp. After the death of a child who got in the way the fight stopped but they could no longer go on the way they have. Those who wanted to hunt left the group to do just that. Others started to build a new home. The father of the dead child was one who left on the hunt. He blames the Mels for the death of his son, thinking if it were not for them his son would still be alive. Greg and Alec left with those who chose to go in to hiding. They wondered for long months trying to find some where to be safe. They have seen many towns in rubble and a city that Greg has only ever heard of as a land of dreams that he would never see. They found a few more groups that started to rebuild. Some with a few Mels by their side many without. In the city bodies of Mels were piled on each other being burned. When they saw ours were ran out of the city by an angry mob.

General Stuff:
1) I still feel like you haven't quite maxed out the emotional potential here, and you haven't quite tuned in to the emotions and motives of your characters. See examples below...
2) Near the end there, with the whole Mel-owners thing and whatnot, it gets slightly, for lack of a better word to say, tell-y. If there's some way you can show all that, I think it would really help that section.

More Specific Stuff:
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“Is there anyone else still alive?"

Greg sounds extremely casual here about death, and I'm not quite sure if it was intentional or not. If it wasn't, I'd change this line to something like this: "Is there anyone...?" or something more hesitant. If it was intentional, neat-o. I'd add a bit to clarify that Greg's casualness is on purpose...maybe: "Is there anyone else still alive?" Greg questioned, a faint tone of remorse tinting his voice, but such feelings had a tendency to dissolve in the face of the constant tragedies that characterized his neighborhood.
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She just shakes her head as she looks down at the boy’s face.

I'd add something like: "Blankly, she just shakes her head, sickly entranced by the boy's face." Not super important, but this woman doesn't seem absolutely traumatized enough for what just happened to her, so I'd add in some stuff that make her appear more horror-stricken.
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“A man was laughing as Mels ripped and killed everyone. Dominic was supposed to be with his father. Why is he here? Where is my husband?” she looks up at them with tears flowing from her eyes.

First off, after you finish a quote, you always should start a new paragraph (and doing so will help break up this beast paragraph too). Second off, I still don't feel like this woman's hysteric enough. As per the five stages of grief, denial should be the first emotion this woman's feeling after all this, and this mix of sadness and anger is kinda weird.
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Greg reached out hand but then let it drop when she just looked at it. Alec finally let’s go of Greg and bends down next the women and wraps his arm around her. He gently pulls her to her feet, the boy still in his arms.

A couple little things first: "let's" should be "lets," "women" should be "woman" and you need a few commas (and you omitted an "a" and a "to" ): "Greg reached out a hand, but then...Alec finally lets go of Greg, bends down next to the woman, and wraps..." Moving on, I really like the idea you have with these lines, however, it seems so much more powerful, so much more tragic if you took out the whole part with Alec intervening. I feel like the whole hugging thing is kinda awkwardly shoved here. Maybe instead, you could add something like them walking away, but looking back at the woman, desperate to help her, but knowing they can't.
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They walk the ruined streets for hours digging through the rubble for more people. They found a few more but not many. Greg has tossed up everything he has eaten long ago.

Weird verb-tense switchy thing again.
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They have seen so many bloodily bodies.

For one, "bloodily" should be "bloody." For two, expand on this. Describe these bloody bodies in sickening detail; make me toss up everything I've eaten.
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Many that have been torn a part.

Fragment. I'd combine this with the previous sentence.
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They arrived at the place Greg’s dad worked and it was as much of a ruin as everything else.

One, you forgot an "at" and a comma: "They arrived at the place Greg's dad worked at, and..." I feel like the switch from the neighborhood to this place Greg's dad works at is really abrupt. Maybe try adding something like them walking down roads littered with corpses, or traipsing through a park the two had cherished in childhood to see it covered in entrails and disembodied heads. The whole "...as much of a ruin as everything else" feels like telling more than showing, but if you add in a nice scene like mentioned just a sentence ago, I think you could show more the wreckage the city/town/whatever has become. Oh, and lastly, methinks you should start a new paragraph here.
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A few who owned Mels said that their Mel fought to save their life. That the things that were attacking looked like Mels but there was something off about them.

The second sentence here is a fragment. I'd just combine these two sentences.
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Over the next few days they wonder the streets pulling out who and what can be saved.

A few basic things: you need a comma ("Over the next few days, they..." ), and you used "wonder" instead of "wander." Also, why are Greg and Alec going so far out of their way to help others? I get trying to help those in their neighborhood just out of duty, and because maybe they know those people, but being a Good Samaritan, I feel, isn't a good enough reason for the two to search the city. I'd add in some sort of reason for them helping other than just duty.
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They found two Mels cuddling up to their owners.

I like the way you show off the Mels' almost cherubic innocence here, but I'd amp it up a bit. If it were me, I'd add in something like "They found two Mels cuddling up to their owners, seemingly too angelic of beings to understand the tragedy that had befallen their beloved owners, and the city (/state/country/town/whatever) that surrounded them."
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The other was dead and it toke great effort to get the Mel to leave its dead owner.

"Toke" should be "took." Also, why are they getting the Mel to leave said dead owner? If there's no real reason, I'd let the poor thing stay with its master.
Quote:
One of the owners was alive but his arm was torn off. The other was dead and it toke great effort to get the Mel to leave its dead owner. When they came across the first, the one with the living owner, some of the people ran before finding out that the Mel fought to save their owner.

I'd switch around the order of these sentences. The way it is now is kinda confusing.
Quote:
...some of the people ran before finding out that the Mel fought to save their owner. He was the first they meet who were able to survive once the monsters got a hold of them.

These lines confused me. I had to read them a couple of times to get what was going on.
Quote:
We talked about what to do next.

I would start a new paragraph here.
Quote:
Some wanted to hunt down the Mels, those who favored this looked at our two Mels with hate.

Instead of a comma, I'd use a semi-colon here.
Quote:
When they saw ours were ran out of the city by an angry mob.

This line's confusing.
Kendra Rosewood's avatar

Greedy Receiver

A lot of good points, thank you.

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