Crit & Price my Writing Style

[Demoness_Alethiras]

Greeting, I'm in the process of trying to better my writing style & fix constant grammatical errors that I'm prone to ( ie: comma splices ).

That being said, I'd love it if you could read through my writing & price it both in terms of gaia-gold and American monetary value.

All that out of the way, here's an example of my writing style.



Thor had never been one for doubting but as he stepped to the edge of the splintered bridge where the Bifrost had once majestically stood, he recalled his promise to one Jane Foster. He doubted he’d be able to uphold their accord, now travel between the realms was nothing more than a glimmer, the last reverberations, soon to be forgotten, imagined. Upon thinking this, a heavy weight pressed down upon his chest and Thor’s proud shoulders sank. The prospect of living without her now that he’d come to know her was more unthinkable than even he cared to admit. What’s more, Loki’s words reverberated across the great chasm of his memories. Loki knew of Jane and all the more worrying, he seemed most incredulous towards her, or rather her time spent with Thor. Clenching his fist, Thor quickly dispelled the imagined horrors that Loki might bring upon Jane. No, Thor knew that his brother considered himself a monster but seeing and believing would always be two different things for Thor and he chose to believe that Loki was better than that, unfortunately it was a sentiment that his brother, did not share.

The fall had been brief and the amalgamation and assimilation into Midgardian society had been seamless. Though, Loki had no intention of blending in, he’d chosen a rather, glorious expanse of dirt to call, ‘home.’ The trust of the humans who Thor had called ‘friend’ was easily won, Loki was after all, a talented liar. After all, a lie was so much easier to swallow when it was partially true. Thor always had bullied him, not even he would deny it, and the bit he’d told Jane Foster about Sif, well, most people hear what they want to hear. Loki had only insinuated and highlighted certain, key notes. In many ways, Loki was now her treasured confidante, it was truly a shame that in the scheme of things, she was nothing more than a pawn, it was only idle whim that kept her alive, and a promise that Loki had made his brother.

Thor awoke with a start, calling Mjolnir to him as he set to slam the great hammer down upon the wretch who had cast him from his slumber. He paused, for a moment, his bleary mind cast the Lady Sif in the visage of his Jane. Closing his eyes and opening them again, Thor assured himself of his whereabouts, as Lady Sif had taken to kneeling before him, head bowed in reverence. “Apologies,” Sif began and Thor shook his head, “Take heed good lady, I am in a most perplexing state of mind.” Sif slowly raised her head, daring to speak, no, to retort thusly “Her again?” Thor rose from the throne, as lightning flashed ominously outside, he made to speak but he bit back the words. Sif rose to meet Thor, both staring at the other, an unspoken challenge made the air around them heavy with foreboding. “Leave me be,” Thor commanded as Sif broke eye-contact, storming off. As Thor watched her go, he waited to make sure she was long gone before he sunk back down, the expanse of the throne both engulfing him and doing little to hold him up. He couldn’t help but laugh when he thought of how desperate he’d been for it, “Heavy lies the crown, how true your words, ...brother.” Sitting there alone, Thor let the doubt creep into the recesses of his mind again, truly perhaps Loki would have been more suited to the throne, and Thor to his glorious battles, what he would give to rewrite the past occurrences.

Loki looked at the poptart on his plate with a scowl, waiting for Darcy to become engrossed enough in her small device so he might be able to make it appear as if he’d eaten it. “Go on, it’s good, eat it.” Loki grew more exasperated by the minute as Darcy refused to lift her gaze, Darcy only smirked. “Thor was fond of them, perhaps, …” No sooner had Darcy mentioned Thor’s name did Loki slide the plate across the table with a palpable disgust and sulk off, no doubt going off to whine to Jane about Thor. Darcy rolled her eyes as she watched his form recede, from what she’d read of Norse mythology, she could only figure he was on his period. The thought alone caused her to go into a fit of giggles, which would result in her almost choking on her own poptart. However, once her jovial mood had passed, she began to wonder, why Jane was so interested in Loki. Of course, Darcy knew that Jane claimed to be over him but surely she hadn’t fallen for another demigod, ...had she?

Heimdall and Odin stood before Thor, both looking somber indeed. Thor’s face was a mixture of confusion and anguish, he wouldn’t believe what they wanted him to believe. This had to be Sif’s doing, she thought he was sliding into a despair, neglecting his duties, so she would conspire to have these lies brought to his attention, not only by Heimdall but by his father as well. Anguish was rapidly turning to anger but as his rage threatened, Odin only looked at him, pity evident in his eyes. “You know of Heimdall’s insights Thor, it would be wise to adhere to his council.” Somehow, Thor found the meaning in his father’s words, speaking in return, “I’d ask for a leave of absence, father, I know there are other ways,” Thor’s words were childish, as were his needs but he knew Odin would understand. “You ask much of me, and Asgard must always have its heroes,” before Odin could finish Thor interrupted, “Father, you know I will always return should the peace be threatened, should you need me, all I ask.” But Thor didn’t have to say it, Odin knew and Heimdall had the express orders of his king. “Thank you,” the words were nearly lost, as the All-Father once more cast his first-born into the world of Mortals, this time, of his own choosing.

Rain puddles reflected various shapes, shadows and a door was opening right before a pair of onlookers and Loki had no way of stopping it. “Damn,” he whispered to himself, as he silently cursed Heimdall’s pinpoint accuracy. Jane looked at Loki eyes questioning her own sight, was he really back? Her eyes kept playing a sort of racket-ball, glancing between the two brothers. Her heart was beating at an elevated rate and at this rate, she was going to give herself a heart-attack, she needed to get it under control. “But you said,” Jane began only to stop, as Thor stood, looking at her with those eyes. “Sentiment,” Loki replied, in answer to Jane’s half-posed question. “I was never explicit, you believed what you wanted to believe.” Jane glared at Loki, and the offending party merely arched his brow, questioning her sudden change of heart. “You lied!” Jane spat, her face alight with an anger that Thor soon quelled, embracing her as lightly as he could, feeling the anger dispel from her fragile form. “Brother, I would have words with you,” Thor looked quite serious and Loki figured a bit of fun at his oafish brother’s expense wouldn’t hurt. He smirked, goading Jane a bit as he bridged the distance between the himself and his so-called, brother. “You look exhausted. It seems the crown is a heavier burden than you had expected,” Loki seemed delighted at Thor’s haggard state. “Heavy lies the crown, even you speak truths from time to time, brother.” The recollection alone, caused Loki to fall silent, it was as though the two were in their youth again. Loki took to following Thor, lost in the shadow of his elder brother, struggling to make a mark of his own, to prove himself a worthy son. The memories were not pleasant but at the same time, they were not harmful the hallowed halls of the palace had shaped him and in no small way, both Odin and Thor had helped to make Loki what he was now. Now, holding Thor’s gaze, Loki took the lead, as this time Thor followed, and the two seemingly vanished into thin air before Jane’s eyes.

Sitting atop the roof where Thor had truly fallen for Jane, only sitting here now with Loki, it was unnerving. The silence was only broken by the crackling of the fire as Thor gauged his brother’s demeanor by the firelight, hoping to unlock just a small fraction of his mind, what had his ploy been? Loki casually glanced at his brother, the silence was uncharacteristic of his boisterous brother, had he changed so much in such a short time? The illusion which Loki had cast diminished and it would no longer look as though a fire burned atop the building unattended. “You wanted an audience Odinson, what ails you?” Loki was the first to break the silence, as he grew restless, being in his brother’s, no scratch that, Thor’s presence again was uncomfortable. “What must I do, to prove to you I no longer need you? I don’t need your pity, nor your charity!” Loki spat, railing against Thor, who remained silent, listening but not retaliating against Loki’s harsh words. Loki would continue to rail until he was blue in the face, all his grievances brought to light, and not until Loki was done venting would Thor speak.

Thor had never wanted to see things from Loki’s perspective but not all of what he said was misguided, it was a shame he couldn’t be trusted with the throne. The desperation had caused his beloved brother to lose his soul in a way, to a cloud of anguish and darkness, something that had replaced Loki’s light-caring heart which Thor had always treasured in adolescence without which, Thor would have been hopelessly lost. It was almost cruel, how fate had loaded the dice against Loki. Learning his true parentage had been a shock to Thor, and he would never truly be able to fathom Loki’s feelings in that regard but the fact remained, the two were brothers, if not in blood then in experience. For no matter how many times Loki railed against it, Thor would always consider him family & he hoped that the day would come, when he would be able to embrace him, and welcome him home, to give him the adulation he deserved and the respect Thor had slighted him, in his own blind arrogance, in his ‘youth’.

In remembering their childhood, Thor had forgotten all about why he was angry at Loki, why he was here in the first place. Even Loki had no more words, nothing with which to threaten or boast. Long moments passed, where the two sat in silence, a frozen portrait of how things, could have been, how they had been, before everything had fallen apart.

“You always give me cause to doubt brother but I feel that one day, a time will come when you and I will align again. I have faith in this, know that I will never give up, not on you and never on your capacity for good. It’s still there, buried below the ice you’ve cased your heart in. The day will come,” Thor’s eyes shimmered with unspilled tears, his expression somber yet joyous. Loki stood, extinguishing the fire with a small cloud of ice particles. The sun was setting and the day was almost gone. Loki looked down at Thor, who was still sitting by the dead wood that the fire had claimed for its own. “Didn’t I tell you, I have no need for your pity?” Loki sighed, almost exasperated, why did the big lug have to care so damn much? “Farewell, Odinson.”

Loki vanished, leaving Thor alone on the rooftop, a final utterance left hanging in the air.
“Ours, is a love that will last. Take your small pleasures, for the pain won’t last. ’ll be there, waiting for you, as the world falls down.”

A single tear escaped Thor’s notice, as the sun set below the horizon and he made his way back to Jane, in hopes she’d hear his side of things. [/spoiler