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Interested? Returning contestant?

Interested! And I'm new :3 0.61764705882353 61.8% [ 42 ]
Interested! And hi again :3 0.088235294117647 8.8% [ 6 ]
Not interested, and I did this before 0 0.0% [ 0 ]
Not interested, but I'm new. 0.044117647058824 4.4% [ 3 ]
I'll just... lurk and watch o.o 0.25 25.0% [ 17 ]
Total Votes:[ 68 ]
< 1 2 3 ... 9 10 11
Yeshaya Silver's avatar

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ALRIGHT PEOPLE. THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED.


Time for me to start judging. Expect the results to be up in three to four days--if not today, since I'm spending it bedridden, lol.

Thank you all for entering! I'll post the results on the first page, and on the latest page, when they are up.

I'll also be crossing them off the list as I've judged them. Just FYI
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Gekko


Woot woot~!
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RESULTS


The winners of this years My Seductive Nightmare are:

HONORABLE MENTION

With an 86.8, Regisky911 -- To Our Once Upon a Time
The story of a connection, forbidden by pseudoscience and tainted by race politics

THIRD PLACE

With an 87.1, Yutora --Just This
When choices must be made, and the lines between need and want become clear

SECOND PLACE

With a 91.4, Sarcastic Butterfly -- Natural Born Killer
Sometimes, the terrorist becomes the liberator

and

FIRST PLACE

With a 91.8, OriginalSooshi -- Opposites Attract Attention
When a single word can say it all


Thank you so much for participating. The full results below will detail your feedback exactly.

--JeTeSouviens



Name: SayaAki
Title: Inked
Prompts and Themes used: B, D, E, I; 3, 4, 14

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Content [18/25]: Overall, I liked it a lot. I had a couple of objections to it, though, serious objections.

1. When he said that the cops were his friends, that didn’t make sense to me. Either his friends are legitimate cops, which would explain the fact they were able to disguise as officers, or they’re a bunch of shmoes who could afford to drop large amounts of cash on reasonable costumes to indulge their friend’s fetish. One way or another, this hitched me up and made the flow less smooth.

2. I really didn’t get to see ANY of the sweet, lovable side of him. Remember that when you are telling the story, the only part that the audience will believe is the parts you give them to see with. All you really gave me to see with was his taking advantage of her, repeatedly, often against her will.

3. I didn’t understand or WANT them to get back together at the end. Dear sweet Jesus. I was practically talking to myself, saying “DON’T DO IT. IT’LL JUST END THE SAME WAY”. It felt almost forced.

I know you’re fantastic at not forcing these sorts of things, Saya, I’ve seen you write often enough ;3

Originality [25/25]: The premise actually got me, a bit. I hadn’t seen that kind of an idea before, and I really appreciated that. The idea of a tattoo formed relationship was a good one. Although, if I can recommend it to you, I’d suggest that you make it more of a thing throughout. The part where he tattooed her definitely made sense and all that jazz; I wish I could have seen more instances like that, where her fetish for the pain in tattooing really came through, or more instances where that tattoo he gave her were really brought up.

Grammar/Usage/Punctuation [23/25]: Couple of fragments that just didn’t make sense for the style, and “Girl-ish” got me a little. Lol. Otherwise, good.

Style [14/15]: Unnecessary fragments that didn’t contribute stylistically at points. Otherwise, grand.

Readability [9/10]: Aside from that hitch about the police officer thing, which really caught me, it was good.

Bonus Points [1/5]: For the original premise, which I really did enjoy.

Total: [ 90/105] = 85.7%


Name: Shyania
Title: Seeing Him Again
Prompts and Themes used: A, K; 9, 22, 23, ox1, ox2.

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Content [15/25]: Good god, what?

I’m frankly not sure where to start. Maybe the right word is that I’m a little stunned, or perhaps a bit confused.

So, I was right on board with you until you first got to the part where the friends were assumed to all be enemies, too. Had you left that out, I would have been fine, but that was the first part that kind of hitched me up. Maybe it’s just that I find that extremely juvenile, or something, but I thought that was extremely unneeded. And the second part where you caught me was where her friend does the thing about the whole “arguing like a married couple” bit. Okay… I ran with that too.

Now, it was the CANCER bit that really grabbed me and made me just say, “WHAT?” If you were going to go all terminal disease on me, then you had so many opportunities to make that a sort of looming problem over John’s head for so long before then, and that would have been interesting. But then you took that plot choice and immediately cut it at its knees, and went straight for a bit about someone named Mary. Okay. I’m still there with you, I was following, and you could have also made me wonder, or perhaps hint at that beforehand, maybe some girl that didn’t quite belong after school, etc.

AND THEN, ENTER THE VAMPIRES.

My dear, I really enjoyed the story, and your plot twists could have been excellent, but the execution was lacking. Perhaps expound on the story a bit. Why would she even come to that spot after three years? Wouldn’t she have moved on? She had no idea what she was even waiting for. What if she had found someone else?

Originality [18/25]: You had me going with a believable story that was original, and then you punched me over the head with the cancer/vampirism cliché. Makes me sad :[

Grammar/Usage/Punctuation [23/25]: Couple of poorly chosen words or repeated words. Use more varied word choice. Otherwise, good.

Style [13/15]: I liked your style a lot, especially near the end. There were some funky things in the middle, though, like you were trying to make it segway properly, and it just didn’t work.

Readability [10/10]: Nothing really dragged me out of it. Good work.

Bonus Points [1/5 + 0/ox1 + 2/ox2 = 3/8]: I’ll give you the points for ox2, but I felt like ox1 was just tossed in there casually. Another point for mentioning AP English as a specific, because that made me chuckle (I took that infernal class. I got a 5, but I still hated it).

Total: [82 / 108]= 75.9%


Name: Sarcastic Butterfly
Title: Natural Born Killer
Prompts and Themes used: D, G, J; 13

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Content [22/25]: The reason I detract three points is because it didn’t quite start to match the prompt until the end, at which point it began to line up wonderfully.

I’m a little breathless from reading this. Which is fantastic. I don’t have much to say here.

Originality [25/25]: Not what I expected in the least.

Grammar/Usage/Punctuation [24/25]: Some things didn’t quite work, as far as fragments, and a couple missed commas that would have broken it up a little better.

Style [15/15]: Wonderful.

Readability [8/10]: A little too brutal at points.

Bonus Points [2/5]: For the unexpected joy of reading something so brutal, and for the opener, which made me extremely happy.

Total: [ 96/105 ] = 91.4%


Name: Zoyce
Title: The Dream
Prompts and Themes used: C, L; 4, 23, ox2, ox5

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Content [20/25]: I enjoyed this story; however, this is one of those times that I want people to expound upon their creations. You had a wonderful set up, but you made it sound like she was crazy in the beginning, not just eccentric and a dreamer, and then you made me seriously wonder about how she got into college and what kind of a student she was. And then you made me wonder about her and Dan.

You had a s**t ton of potential to expand on their relationship, which really would have made me happy. I would have liked to know about their past more, and more about exactly what kind of a relationship it was. Not only that, but I would have liked to know more about how she felt about him. Furthermore, I would have enjoyed seeing more romantic tension between her and him. It made it sound like a “Despite you, I’m coming back to madness” thing on her part.
I really enjoyed the twist end though.

Originality [25/25]: Haven’t read a story like this before. It made me happy. Also reminded me of what my life was like before college, frankly.

Grammar/Usage/Punctuation [20/25]: Some forgotten ending quotation marks, a couple of phrases that didn’t make sense or were incomplete.

Style [13/15]: Some funky things tore me out of it. Otherwise good.

Readability [10/10]: Also good.

Bonus Points [2/5 + 2/ox2 + 5/ox5 = 8/12]: Prompts worked, bonus points for the ending.

Total: [ 97/112 ] = 86.6%%



Name: OriginalSooshi
Title: Opposites Attract Attention
Prompts and Themes used: E, F, H, J; 11, 13, ox5

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Content [22/25]: For something so short, that was all that was really required to say. I enjoyed it greatly. I wish you had pulled more of their backstories into it, but, frankly, you didn’t leave something to be desired. You just stoked curiousity, which is different.

The only thing I would really suggest is that you make the setting more apparent. Paint the picture, then tell the story, so to speak. You don’t have to do so at the beginning, but just make sure that you establish where exactly they are. I had no idea he was sitting until the end there, and it would have made a better mental image to have him sitting from the beginning.

Originality [25/25]: I couldn’t find anything to subtract from here.

Grammar/Usage/Punctuation [25/25]: Couldn’t find anything. Happiness.

Style [12/15]: Try not to use passive voice so much. It detracts from the reading. Furthermore, establish more of whose voice you are using in narration. Otherwise, excellent.

Readability [9/10]: The passive voice made a stumbling block at points. All in all, though, excellent.

Bonus Points [3/5 + 5/ox5 = 8/10]: Exactly how I wanted that prompt to be used. And three points for making me physically say “mmm” at the end.

Total: [ 101 / 110] = 91.8%



]Name: Regisky911
Title: To Our Once Upon A Time
Prompts and Themes used: A, K, L; 11, 21, 23, ox2, ox3, ox4

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Content [22/25]: Oh dear god, you had to pick something I devoted a good deal of my life to studying daily. Haha. If I seem a little rough on this, I promise you I’m not trying to be. I really enjoyed this story, let me make that clear. So here we go.

I have a couple bones to pick, but frankly the Holocaust is too near and dear to me to really make a big deal out of them. First of all, technically speaking, they would have been sharing that house with at least one other family in the ghetto. Secondly, Schindler wouldn’t have been a name that anyone in the ghetto would have been familiar with; it would have come across as rumors. Remember, they tried to pin stuff on Oskar Schindler several times; none of it stuck because of how hard he tried to keep things under wraps. The details of her sister’s rape were precise and correct (unfortunately). And the part about the cattle cars made me… a little bit upset. But in a good way.

I would like to make it known, however, that none of the inmates would have had precise knowledge about gassings, though. Once again, rumors—it would have been something that the guards would have tried very hard to keep as low-key as possible. Often they were disguised as showers, or just as deportation to another camp. The smoke, of course, was difficult to cover up, so often they would toss people into burning pits to detract the attention from the gas chambers. Mostly it would have been rumors--and she probably would not know who/when/how on if anyone was gassed, even if they knew at that point.

So I have detracted some points based on inaccuracies or anything akin to that. Otherwise, I’ve left it be.

Originality [23/25]: I’ve seen a story like this in the sense that it was between a German and a Jewish girl during the 1940s before, and the raping of her sister sounded just like a scene from Gran Torino, so I detracted SOME points, but the rest of it was good and original. It just rang a couple familiar bells with me, that’s all, so no real harm done.

Grammar/Usage/Punctuation [21/25]: Misspelled “things”, some choppy sentences or poorly worded ones.

Style [14/15]: I liked the way some parts worked out, others could have stood a little rearranging to really flow well.

Readability [9/10]: At some parts I was jerked out of it by what seemed a little bit improbable—her knowledge of Oskar Schindler, etc—but otherwise good.

Bonus Points [2/5 + 1/ox2 + 3/ox3 + 4/ox4 = 10/14]: Loved how you used ox4, ox3, but ox2 felt forced. Two points for the Eli Wiesel quotes.

Total: [ 99/ 114] = 86.8%



Name: Yutora
Title:Just This
Prompts and Themes used: C, D, E; 1, 3, 4, 7, 11, 18, ox3, ox4, ox5

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Content [22/25]: I don’t see how she’s going to get away with that murder in the least. Especially not now that she has her blood all over the place in there, or now that Gayle is apparently planning on going back and taking care of it, so to speak. I don’t know what kind of people Nathan knows or doesn’t know, but it would seem to me that there’s going to be one hell of a lawsuit in the future of this story. I also don’t see how he’s going to overlook ten years(?) of an affair. Good otherwise, though. I liked the word choices.

Originality [25/25]: Murder? A factory? An affair? Ten years of a problem? Nothing I’ve ever read before.

Grammar/Usage/Punctuation [19/25]: Ack! So many problems x.x Some things were just with technical points, like not leaving spaces between words properly, or not spelling a word right; others were just fragmented and didn’t contribute properly to the style.

Style [15/15]: I rather liked your style.

Readability [9/10]: Your technical problems jerked me out of it at points.

Bonus Points [2/5 + 3/ox3 + 4/ox4 +3/ox5 = 11/17]: Good work with ox3, ox4. ox5 didn’t sit well with me though.

Total: [ 102/117] = 87.1%



Name: fcking a
Title:A Love Through Time
Prompts and Themes used: L, A; 11, 13, 21, ox5

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Content [22/25]: I liked the story. I wish you could have elaborated on how exactly the night her husband went out with his friends went, or on how exactly she found the staircase.

Originality [24/25]: Very good job. I like how her kids came through, too, and found the staircase.

Grammar/Usage/Punctuation [5/25]: Dear Jesus, girl. Please proof read! I didn’t make it through the first page before my eyes started to bug out. I don’t like being mean, and by no means am I trying to be, but please, please, please, for my sanity, use words correctly, spell them correctly, and structure your sentences right!

Style [7/15]: Just work on your sentence structure.

Readability [7/10]: Technical errors kept ripping me out.

Bonus Points [2/5 + 5/ox5 = 7/10]: Points for the 1950s and for the proper quote use.

Total: [ 72/110 ] = 65.5%
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Je Te Souviens


Thank you very much for such a full critique; far better than I expected, I thought you were going to slay me, lol. And yes, the ending was tied up all too fast in my own opinion, I am going to bubble up an excuse and say I couldn't add more due to my lack of paying attention to this deadline here! Really, I should have tied it all up better; and just to tell you, yes, that wasn't going to be easy getting rid of c: I did have it vaugly planned, though. Now to save this critique so I can always go back to it c: Thank you again! Also, I hope you're well soon!
SayaAki's avatar

Gekko


I swear, bring with my husband has made my writing go splat. DX But 1- actual cops. 2- It could have been a lie? Iunno. But he WANTS her. So he getses her. No matter what. Was what I was going for? Lols. I'm not really sure 3- the whole point of the ending was to vaguely hint that they were trapped in this sort of "I'm going to totally mistreat you, but you'll come back, and it's not abuse, but it's totally abusive" type of thing... I really dunno how to explain it. I was gonna make this dark cliff hanger thing were she ended up, like, being his property, and use the bonus prompt "And after all this time, she ended up the victim" (or, whatever it was) as the last line, but then you took it out and I wasn't sure how to get it there... Pretty much the whole thing was scenes that I had ideas for, and then a "s**t, how am I going to make this work?" kind of scene. Which changed like, five times. Which is what I do with all my stories. "Oh this is a good idea! and oh! this would be an okay ending. s**t. How do they connect? DX" Lols
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Wow! Thank you! This is actually really unexpected. xD
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No problem, Yutora. I'm not as good as my predecessor was at nitpicking through things and really getting down to critique, but hopefully it helps you and everyone else out :3

Saya, I think that prompt is now just plain number one? Lol. I was very drunk when I put this whole thing up first xD But yeah, I was just telling you what I thought, dear. I understand what you were going for, so I think I got that impression, but it wasnt really clear to me. Also, happiness/contentment always makes me generally bad at writing xD

No problem Sooshi!
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Gracious Stalker

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It was helpful (:
SayaAki's avatar

Gekko

Je Te Souviens
No problem, Yutora. I'm not as good as my predecessor was at nitpicking through things and really getting down to critique, but hopefully it helps you and everyone else out :3

Saya, I think that prompt is now just plain number one? Lol. I was very drunk when I put this whole thing up first xD But yeah, I was just telling you what I thought, dear. I understand what you were going for, so I think I got that impression, but it wasnt really clear to me. Also, happiness/contentment always makes me generally bad at writing xD

No problem Sooshi!

My writing excels when I feel superior and disconnected from everyone. Lols. But that causes me to make detached and regal/proud characters. I was hoping you knew what I was going for, but I felt like I had to explain myself because I feel like I've just been so off
Yup, thanks so much for the awesome crit. Haha, I didn't know all these details about the Holocaust...better put them in! I actually wasn't expecting such detailed analysis either, so it was a great surprise when I saw it smile
Thank you for your feedback. I was a little nervous about putting it up, because I do agree it gets to be a little much in some parts. But, I'm honored. Thank you, again.
Yeshaya Silver's avatar

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Aki: You and me both. I really need to get back into the swing of writing right now.

Regisky: No problem. Haha. I know way more about the Holocaust than I like, given how gruesome and awful it was. The worst part is knowing about the mobile gas vans... and then seeing modern day counterparts.

Sarcastic: Always a learning experience when you put yourself out there. :3 No problem.
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Dear lord, I finally have internet set up, albeit the fact that it's dial up... But I'll just rudely extend this thread just a bit longer. Hah!
Anyways, after going through the criticism, I have to say I'm both very pleased and disappointed in myself. First of all, I'm mentally kicking myself for not catching the small mistakes that could've been so easily fixed. And forgive the cliché grievance, but I really do wish I hadn't rushed. Well, what happens happens. And then I was confused at first when you mentioned wanting more expansion on my characters, when I realized that I was reading more into them than I wrote down, due to the fact that I know their backstories. (I did create them, after all.) But those are points to ponder, and I'm really happy that I know what I missed.
And then I'm also glad that you enjoyed the storyline and the twist at the end; I was actually extremely excited when I wrote the ending. It was just one of those stories where the ending presents itself to you, and happens to work with the plot without being forced. :')
All in all, I'm glad I know how to improve my writing just that much more, and I look forward to the next contest you hold, given that you do decide to hold one. You have excellent themes/prompts, m'dear.

Edit: Also, 0.2% away from honorable mention... a fair improvement since my last YSN.
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Anxious Elocutionist

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OKAY JUST AN FYI

I have a 7.0 up and running now. Go knock yourself out!

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