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The Solarised Night

'Crap entries will be crap' = writing forum's new motto.

Well she left in a huff and down voted the thread lol All of her post history was in give-aways asking for stuff so meh. I also have a rule saying that I reserve the right to withold a prize, I will check post history, and if that post history is spam or seems to be begging in give-aways, I may suspend the prize until a) the user proves worthy or b) they leave and someone else wins it.


Which seems a lot more fair. While it may be 'random,' it should go to people who really want and deserve it. People who spam giveaways just for free items... -Shakes head- It's a free site, you know? It isn't like you can take any of the items with you into the real world. xD

Sorry if I'm distracting you from judging, by the way! My sister just mentioned to me that I should probably be leaving you alone to judge and deal with the girl in the plushie thread, haha.
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Rotsab M. Hyolf
The Solarised Night

'Crap entries will be crap' = writing forum's new motto.

Well she left in a huff and down voted the thread lol All of her post history was in give-aways asking for stuff so meh. I also have a rule saying that I reserve the right to withold a prize, I will check post history, and if that post history is spam or seems to be begging in give-aways, I may suspend the prize until a) the user proves worthy or b) they leave and someone else wins it.


Which seems a lot more fair. While it may be 'random,' it should go to people who really want and deserve it. People who spam giveaways just for free items... -Shakes head- It's a free site, you know? It isn't like you can take any of the items with you into the real world. xD

Sorry if I'm distracting you from judging, by the way! My sister just mentioned to me that I should probably be leaving you alone to judge and deal with the girl in the plushie thread, haha.

It is not just you; everyone wants me today rofl
My tank is about to start glowing too so that will be another 20mins before I can post the critique anyway
Rotsab M. Hyolf's avatar

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The Solarised Night

It is not just you; everyone wants me today rofl
My tank is about to start glowing too so that will be another 20mins before I can post the critique anyway


Haha, nothing wrong with being popular!

No rush. 3nodding

I'm still upset that dolphinmania website went down. Not so much because I used it (my internet doesn't really get along with the Aquarium flash game), but because it inflated the Gaiaconomy so much and then, when it was taken down, the Gaiaconomy wasn't adjusted to deal with the sudden change in people's earnings.

Then again, I remember when you started with 'soiled peasant clothing' and the idea of earning 1k was ridiculous. xD
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Sharassein
The Lady of Darken Woods
.


Now, I am a huge fan of gore so you did strike my interest, but there were an incredible amount of errors in this piece.

First, I don’t think you should capitalize ‘lady’. My partner is sitting here arguing with me that perhaps you have done so because it is a title, but in any case, it just doesn’t look right if you are saying “the Lady” rather than “Lady Luck” for example. I know that isn’t her name, but when it is a combination of title and name, then I will accept capitalization of ‘lady’.

Following on this line of thought, it is a pretty big risk to take to not name your protagonist if you want the audience to care for the character. I am not saying that you shouldn’t do it, but if you have an anonymous protagonist, the characterization needs to be so powerful that a name means nothing. You just didn’t nail the characterization well enough to hit this home, so I don’t really care for the lady, the knight, or the socceress.

Another thing that struck me was this horrible sentence:
“So... many... Knights have died in these woods.”<- That is two fragments strung together by two poorly used ellipses. Rotsab tells me that certain guides of style accept ellipses as a pause, but traditionally they are used to indicate where the writer has left out something and plans to go back to it later to finish it. Let’s humour ourselves for a moment and say that I will ignore the mis-use of the ellipses technique: Why would you use two there? Have you tried to read that out loud? It sounds like an old man dying from thirst in a desert. Okay, I exaggerate, but two pauses in one really short sentence seems a bit ridiculous and in doing so, you have created two fragments. ‘So’ is not a sentence; ‘many’ is not a sentence. The worst thing was that you repeated this same sentence twice and paraphrased it a third time. I hate repetition unless it is executed in a very dramatic way. This sentence really wasn’t.

Back to fragments, your piece is littered with them. I’ve been discussing with a few people about what kind of fragments are acceptable. If the subject matter is made clear in the sentence immediately before, I might let it slide, but sentences such as “Knights and swords” don’t really make a whole lot of sense on their own. I know what message you are trying to say, but it isn’t too hard to add three or four words to construct a full sentence.

Oh my god, your dialogue makes me cringe. I don’t know if you were quoting a three year old, if you were really high, or you just didn’t proof read (maybe all of the above) but either way, have a look at some of these examples and I bet I wont even need to tell you where you went wrong:
“"Do you be a demon, little Sorceress? Do I be cursed with ill luck? Such things do I hear of magic."
“"Why do you be so wicked, little Sorceress?"
"Kessardi? Demon? I do no like these names,"
"Devilish beings do be in these woods!"

That there was quite a ********, wasn’t it? Oh and do you really think that when the lady is dying, screaming in agony, with blood spurting out of her like a gutted pig, and her flesh molding into some freakish volcanic rock, that she is really going to say “"Silly sorceress," the Lady moaned, and held up her arm. "Look what you did to me." That’s like being tortured and just going “Oh you clumsy ducks; you just took my toe off.”

I already mentioned needing to work on your characterization, but I also think you need to work on your imagery. I found it really hard to grasp what was happening in the action scenes and when I did grasp it, it wasn’t a very believable picture.

Finally, that ending was a classic example of telling rather than showing. You don’t allow the audience to connect the dots and understand the implications of the Lady’s death, but rather you step in with a narrator that alienates the audience by pausing the movie so to speak, to explain this incredibly significant aspect of the plot that is never adequately covered, just to hit play again just in time for that one anticlimactic line that was a paraphrased repetition of the opening sentence. That really is a deal breaker.

I hope this helps.
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Rotsab M. Hyolf
The Solarised Night

It is not just you; everyone wants me today rofl
My tank is about to start glowing too so that will be another 20mins before I can post the critique anyway


Haha, nothing wrong with being popular!

No rush. 3nodding

I'm still upset that dolphinmania website went down. Not so much because I used it (my internet doesn't really get along with the Aquarium flash game), but because it inflated the Gaiaconomy so much and then, when it was taken down, the Gaiaconomy wasn't adjusted to deal with the sudden change in people's earnings.

Then again, I remember when you started with 'soiled peasant clothing' and the idea of earning 1k was ridiculous. xD

you're next twisted
I need a short break for lunch though.
Rotsab M. Hyolf's avatar

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The Solarised Night

you're next twisted
I need a short break for lunch though.


-Gulps-

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Rotsab M. Hyolf


Yeah, spoilers are no fun. That's why I try to keep track with the US release.

I do agree. I am not too fond of soaps; never have been. Haha, yes, German can be a tad bit tricky, especially with the e's not being silent at the end of words. I've been speaking english and german ever since I've learned to talk; so I can't really judge how hard it is. I'd love to speak french. I didn't know that French was a mandatory school course in Canada o:

I do get where you are coming from with her, but I just can't graps any kind of liking towards her. And after watching the first episode of the second season, I do agree with her son being worse. He is one scary little ********. I wouldn't want to live near him. I imagined him to be bad, but gosh, I didn't think it would be like that. I like it. Not him, just his way. Keeps things going.

Mhm, for some reason I was imagining her being a Phoenix right then; not a dragon. I absolutely loved her brothers death. That was nifty. I loved her line "He was no dragon. Fire cannot kill a dragon." I mean, he really deserved it. He treated her like s**t and then got jealous when they adored her and not him.
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Rotsab M. Hyolf
The Solarised Night

you're next twisted
I need a short break for lunch though.


-Gulps-

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Before I start the actual critique (which actually requires reading the whole thing first)
Those first two fragments made me laugh because they reminded me of the toy story meme so I think that is the only time so far that I have not gone crazy over fragments and wanted to shoot on sight. rofl

User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show. <-- toy story meme, look it up if you need to.
Rotsab M. Hyolf's avatar

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Yutora
Rotsab M. Hyolf


Yeah, spoilers are no fun. That's why I try to keep track with the US release.

I do agree. I am not too fond of soaps; never have been. Haha, yes, German can be a tad bit tricky, especially with the e's not being silent at the end of words. I've been speaking english and german ever since I've learned to talk; so I can't really judge how hard it is. I'd love to speak french. I didn't know that French was a mandatory school course in Canada o:

I do get where you are coming from with her, but I just can't grasp any kind of liking towards her. And after watching the first episode of the second season, I do agree with her son being worse. He is one scary little ********. I wouldn't want to live near him. I imagined him to be bad, but gosh, I didn't think it would be like that. I like it. Not him, just his way. Keeps things going.

Mhm, for some reason I was imagining her being a Phoenix right then; not a dragon. I absolutely loved her brothers death. That was nifty. I loved her line "He was no dragon. Fire cannot kill a dragon." I mean, he really deserved it. He treated her like s**t and then got jealous when they adored her and not him.


Yeah, I don't watch much television, in all honesty. I tend to watch shows like Game of Thrones and Eureka, but that's about it. (Supernatural as well, though I like it more for the side characters. )

Ah, lucky! Haha, I hear French is easy if you speak German, and vice versa? Very similar syntax and genders. It is indeed a mandatory course! Early on, too; around age six most schools start. There's immersion schools as well, but they aren't mandatory.

I'll admit, I tend to be a fan of the more shady/evil characters. xD I like Littlefinger, too. I don't much care for the Starks, though. Geoffery is scary! I agree, it's one of those 'I like you as a character but not as a human being.'

Yeah, I definitely thought of a phoenix as well. In one Asian culture (I think it's Chinese, but I could be off) the phoenix is the female equivalent of a dragon, so it's fitting she should be one.

That line was amazing. I probably abused it more than I should have around my friends. xD

I think he was evil and probably deserved to die, but not necessarily like that. I felt a little bad for him when he seemed to suddenly catch on, and was back-peddling with; "That's all I wanted. What I was promised. Thank you." I have a weakness for cowards. xD
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The Solarised Night

Before I start the actual critique (which actually requires reading the whole thing first)
Those first two fragments made me laugh because they reminded me of the toy story meme so I think that is the only time so far that I have not gone crazy over fragments and wanted to shoot on sight. rofl

User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show. <-- toy story meme, look it up if you need to.


Haha, well, I'm glad you didn't want to kill me for it!

I wasn't familiar with the meme/intentionally referencing it. I think I've probably heard it used once or twice, though.
The Solarised Night's avatar

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Rotsab M. Hyolf
The Solarised Night

Before I start the actual critique (which actually requires reading the whole thing first)
Those first two fragments made me laugh because they reminded me of the toy story meme so I think that is the only time so far that I have not gone crazy over fragments and wanted to shoot on sight. rofl

User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show. <-- toy story meme, look it up if you need to.


Haha, well, I'm glad you didn't want to kill me for it!

I wasn't familiar with the meme/intentionally referencing it. I think I've probably heard it used once or twice, though.

Info
Rotsab M. Hyolf's avatar

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The Solarised Night
Rotsab M. Hyolf


Haha, well, I'm glad you didn't want to kill me for it!

I wasn't familiar with the meme/intentionally referencing it. I think I've probably heard it used once or twice, though.

Info


Haha, yeah, I looked it up.
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Man this story is long. It is a brilliant read though, Rostab. I am about 3/4 done and so far have had very little to complain about and a whole lot of things Ioved.

Your imagery is amazing and the gore is simply glorious.

You tend to miss some commas, particularly the oxford comma (aka serial comma)

Your fragments are well executed so there are only one or two that are truly disturbing.

Also, watch your tense. It works brilliantly in the fights but not so great in the rest of the piece.

Entertainment value is through the roof.
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Oh and I love the explicit characterisation. Your narrator is semi-overt without being obnoxious. It is great.
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Oh! Perfect description in some of the things, very realistic. Like post-tramatic stress. Amos couldn't recognise his brother or remember anything - that is very common of PTS. Same with the aftermath once the adreniline died. Very well described. I also love how you describe the wolves on the ice and how it cracks underneath Amos.

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