Top Hats and Martinis: Closed until GGW season is over.

[The Solarised Night]

Yutora

There is a great deal of information to be taken in in the first few paragraphs. I like the detail you have put into describing the environment, but feel as though this could be worded in a way that could be more digestible. I loved that the piece opened with a smell. It gave a sensual layer right from the beginning. However, your sentences are quite wordy and long in this opening part. Often – where you have joined clauses through commas or semi-colons- you could have ended with a period to have a firm separate sentence. There is strength in brevity. Too much focus on the environment can also distract the reader from the action.

You fell for the mistake of putting comma’s where semi-colons or periods were needed a few times. It is a tricky one. Try and deconstruct your sentences to view the components separately. Ask yourself ‘does this part of the sentence make sense on its own?’ If you have two sections that could stand alone but you want them to relate to the same idea, try adding in a semi-colon. Lets look at this example (I’m just going to use one because I’ve been advised that too many examples can seem like an attack.)

A knock on the door made the man turn, and a nurse with a stethoscope walked in – another strong wave of antiseptics rushed into the room, it rested against the walls – keeping that sick smell enclosed in the small space they were in, when the nurse slightly turned to close the door.

There are a few ways you could do this. You could ditch the first comma, and convert it to a period (which would take out the ‘and’ and capitalise ‘a’). I would remove the first dash and replace it with a period, then change the comma after ‘room’ and turn it into a semi-colon. Instead of ‘keeping’ since it implies present tense, I’d change that to ‘and kept’ The last section is best to be a stand-alone sentence; when would be dropped, and ‘the’ would be capitalised.

A knock on the door made the man turn, and period A nurse with a stethoscope walked in – Another strong wave of antiseptics rushed into the room semi-colon it rested against the walls – keeping and kept that sick smell enclosed in the small space they were in period when The nurse slightly turned to close the door.

Just experiment and do a bit of reading about it.

Oh and don’t forget the serial comma; it is used before ‘and’ when you are listing things.
Vicks-vapo-rub; love it. I love fresh similes that are relatable. I think I actually used this one in one of my pieces recently.

I really like the theme you’ve gone with and it truly is a dramatic way to write about it. I think that the images in the dream sequence need to be a little clearer or graspable. If you spent a bit more time on each image or emotion before moving to the next, I think it would add a more dramatic build up. It wasn’t the way you described the images, but rather that everything was moving so quickly. It was something about the pace that made the images hard to stick in my mind.

That’s about it, I think. Well done.

[The Solarised Night]

Rotsab M. Hyolf

I do love the detail you use. You carefully balance report with detail so that the plot does move while still giving a rich description of the environment. I also liked the commentary coming from the narrator.

You need to be careful with commas. You leave too many out. Specifically, you skip ones needed to separate dependant clauses from the independent. I think there were a few minor errors in there, like "cascading" - I think that was in the wrong tense.

I don't even know what one earth was going on at the end of your story. The ending was so abrupt in comparison to the smooth flow of the opening. I didn't really get much of a horrific-feel from it. The dialogue didn't really hint at the danger the reporter was in and overall there was a lack of dramatic impact. It was just like "Holy crap, giant flesh-eating ants." You shouldn't have restricted yourself so much with the length since it didn't give you time to build the drama.

I don't have a whole lot of other complaints. So there we go; short critique is done.

[The Solarised Night]

Rotsy wins, Yutora gets second place.

[Cindycate]

The Solarised Night

Cindycate

The Superstitious Murder

Angelus and I had been friends for more than twenty years. But he became a different person all in a sudden. The friendship that we had built together for years that used to feel like the Garden of Eden, abruptly became a futile wasteland. I could feel the blazing skin whenever Priest Angelus did his preaching with the folks at the town square. Those pestilential holy words radiated like thunder flash into my house. The louder the preaching, the feverish I would become very gradually. Thereupon, I made up my mind to eventually put an end to his misery and get rid of his filthy words forever.

I stealthily visited his house during midnight, when there was not much light touching the Earth. Before I could manage to eliminate him, I stood right at his front door, inspecting for any possible stalkers to ascertain that nobody else was there. I picked the lock of his door and opened it oh, so gently! And very quietly I sneaked in to his house. The first threatening obstacle that I encountered was five standing white candles, with a dancing flame on each one of it. Without thinking twice, I extinguished the fire immediately with my bare fingers covered in spit. All five of the candles. The house was a black void afterwards. How was I able to successfully kill him then? I have a hereditary skill. Unlike you people, my vision remains crystal clear in the dark. Everything was mute, as if they were afraid of me. All I could hear was the noise of my own heart beating in dread and fear of getting apprehended.

The intrusion was a success. I looked around and noticed how fortunate I was, that the floor was made of stone instead of woods. There was therefore, no sound heard, not even my footsteps. On his bed, I saw him rest gracefully. Jittery, so jittery was I as I took several steps to get nearer. He was fully asleep when I placed both of my hands above his stomach without touching it. He could not sense my arrival. Thus I started to read the spell in my head to connect his soul to the voodoo doll I prepared at home the night before. There is no way that I can explain this rationally, but the ritual only took me a few seconds. I smirked at him and tried to leave his house silently, but hastily.

Back at home, I impatiently looked for the voodoo doll that I made out of dry grass and grabbed it with a tingling happy sensation. Then I pulled out a sprig of matchstick from a matchbox, lit it up and started to burn the doll from the tip of its left foot. The flame burned the doll quite fast and within seconds, the music of his pain could be heard around the neighborhood for several seconds until he was finally dead. My method of murder is so clever, and so cunning, that no human eye – not even his – could have detected anything wrong. There was nothing to wash out – no stain of any kind – no blood spot – no physical damage. His death was caused by a spiritual assault. Very soon, the doll turned to ashes that I put in a jar not long after. I had nothing to fear. Police officers would never find any clue about the murder. They will obviously think it was a sudden death phenomenon.

It was four in the morning and I was weary, hence I immediately slept. At one in the afternoon, there came a knocking at my door. I woke up with slightly blur vision but answered the door with a light heart regardless. There entered three men, who introduced themselves with perfect suavity. A shriek had been heard by my neighbors during the night, suspicion of foul play had been aroused, information had been lodged at the rabbi sanctuary by the police officers while I was still in deep sleep, and they were deputed to investigate the tragedy.

One hour had passed and the rabbis were satisfied and convinced. They were sitting down, chatting with each other. But I heard the voice of Priest Angelus swarming my ears saying “Vengeance!” in echo. My face turned pale and the echo became more distinct but the rabbis heard it not. The echo grew louder – louder – louder – louder! I excused myself from the conversation and went to my bedroom. Was it possible that they did not hear it? Oh no! They brought Angelus’ soul to me! They had been following the energy trail. They knew! I felt that I must scream or hang myself!

“Pardon me, I admit the deed!” I yelled. The three rabbis were not flabbergasted. They smirked; slowly closed their eyes and I suddenly lost my consciousness. All of a sudden, everything turned white. Where could I possibly be? The scream of my mother was heard; the sound of the shotgun that killed my father was heard. All the miserable feelings that I once left behind started haunting me for the second time. I could feel the pain again! I could even hear the sound of my heartbeat when I tried to kill Priest Angelus. Everything started making sense! I tried to run as fast as I could in hopes that I could find a way out. But I could not manage to escape this torment. Am I dead yet?

Hello, sorry for skipping this one; I came back though.

When I first read this, I found it difficult to picture motive. Your first paragraph describes how the narrator/protagonist and Angellus have ceased their friendship due to Angellus' religious preaching and that the protagonist has decided to kill him. I feel as though it would be a far more powerful to focus on the friendship between the two and show the decay rather than simply state that it has decayed otherwise it seems kind of hollow. This is a classic case of telling rather than showing. The choice for the protagonist to kill Angellus would be far more dramatic if there was more context given about why they have made this choice.

You switch tense frequently from past to present tense. It is important to maintain one or the other so that there is no confusion of time. Speaking of confusion of time, mentioning that it was 4am in one sentence then skipping to 1pm in the next sentence was disjointed. I think you need to be clearer about time shifts.

You also had strange use of exclamation marks. Exclamation marks are designed to indicate a strong feeling like anger, shock, or awe. They are also most commonly used in dialogue. To use one when describing opening a door “oh so gently!” doesn’t sit right and has a conflict of images.

There were several grammatical errors in this piece. I won’t go into great detail on this since the two pieces I critiqued before yours became obsessed with the small errors and felt the need to argue with me. I will say that you’re going to need to proof-read your work a few times and perhaps do a bit of research concerning sentence structure.

The ending had a tell-tale heart feel to it, though not really in a good way. It was quite confusing and rushed. Why were the rabbi's investigating a murder? Why would one yell "pardon me” before admitting a crime? Why is following ‘the energy trail’ only hinted at and done so through the assumption of an unreliable autodiagetic narrator? These things hinder the believability and negatively affect the dramatic build up that is meant to occur at this point.

gonk

Thank you.
I'm still a 14-year old after all.

[The Solarised Night]

Cindycate

gonk

Thank you.
I'm still a 14-year old after all.

Writing is a learning process. We are always working to improve it. Thank you for entering.

[Yutora]

The Solarised Night

Hm... yes, the example sounds nicer when read out loud. I tend to make sentences far too long, I should work on that. And yes, the pace was too quick, I agree, didn't really let the effect of the events sink in a bit.

Thank you for your critique <3
Also, good luck with the things you're working on~

[The Solarised Night]

Yutora

The Solarised Night

Hm... yes, the example sounds nicer when read out loud. I tend to make sentences far too long, I should work on that. And yes, the pace was too quick, I agree, didn't really let the effect of the events sink in a bit.

Thank you for your critique <3
Also, good luck with the things you're working on~

Over-all it was a really good story and just needed some tweaking. I enjoyed reading it.
This is the end of top-hats for now since I have all of these essays and exams coming up and I will be entering the GGW tournament which will take up a bit of my time.

[Rotsab M. Hyolf]

Yutora

I love your attention to detail.
This was worth the read <3

Aww, thank you! I enjoyed your piece as well! I thought it raised an interesting question regarding comatose patients, the question of morality in prolonging someone's life, etc. It was very sad, too. </3

The Solarised Night

I do love the detail you use. You carefully balance report with detail so that the plot does move while still giving a rich description of the environment. I also liked the commentary coming from the narrator.

You need to be careful with commas. You leave too many out. Specifically, you skip ones needed to separate dependant clauses from the independent. I think there were a few minor errors in there, like "cascading" - I think that was in the wrong tense.

I don't even know what one earth was going on at the end of your story. The ending was so abrupt in comparison to the smooth flow of the opening. I didn't really get much of a horrific-feel from it. The dialogue didn't really hint at the danger the reporter was in and overall there was a lack of dramatic impact. It was just like "Holy crap, giant flesh-eating ants." You shouldn't have restricted yourself so much with the length since it didn't give you time to build the drama.

I don't have a whole lot of other complaints. So there we go; short critique is done.

Augh, yes, commas. I seem to struggle with them a lot, actually. It's definitely something I will be working on for any future pieces I write!

The tenses I have trouble with, for sure. I tried to keep out as many 'ing' as I could, but a few slipped by. Some of the sentences seemed like the structure was wrong, too, once I did that. I don't know if it was further proof it was in the wrong tense, or just my wording being poor, haha.

The drama is an interesting point to raise! When I wrote it I wasn't sure if I should have hints of horror throughout it, or if I should keep it entirely clean for a bigger punch at the end. The ending, too, I left out to try and be more ambiguous and 'creepy.' Bad choice, I'm assuming? xD (This is actually really good considering I'm working on another horror piece, haha. )

Thanks so much for the ciritque! And the win, oh my gosh. <33 I WILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING EPIC WHEN GGW IS OVER.

With lots of blood and guts and supernatural things, and overt narrators and kittens on spikes.

[The Solarised Night]

Rotsab M. Hyolf

Augh, yes, commas. I seem to struggle with them a lot, actually. It's definitely something I will be working on for any future pieces I write!

The tenses I have trouble with, for sure. I tried to keep out as many 'ing' as I could, but a few slipped by. Some of the sentences seemed like the structure was wrong, too, once I did that. I don't know if it was further proof it was in the wrong tense, or just my wording being poor, haha.

The drama is an interesting point to raise! When I wrote it I wasn't sure if I should have hints of horror throughout it, or if I should keep it entirely clean for a bigger punch at the end. The ending, too, I left out to try and be more ambiguous and 'creepy.' Bad choice, I'm assuming? xD (This is actually really good considering I'm working on another horror piece, haha. )

Thanks so much for the ciritque! And the win, oh my gosh. <33 I WILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING EPIC WHEN GGW IS OVER.

With lots of blood and guts and supernatural things, and overt narrators and kittens on spikes.

No worries. Sorry the critique was short. After the complaints, I decided to try and reduce examples and just stick to outlines of issues. Wing and PK advised it.

Y u no tell me if you like your gift or not? emotion_donotwant

kittens on spikes; that's stolen from a comic you were looking at this morning (my time) in a thread called Game of Memes *stalked you there*

[Rotsab M. Hyolf]

The Solarised Night

No worries. Sorry the critique was short. After the complaints, I decided to try and reduce examples and just stick to outlines of issues. Wing and PK advised it.

Y u no tell me if you like your gift or not? emotion_donotwant

kittens on spikes; that's stolen from a comic you were looking at this morning (my time) in a thread called Game of Memes *stalked you there*

Haha, it's cool! Honestly, I can't imagine I'd have minded a long critique/lots of specifics. I personally prefer it, especially when it's a recurrent issue (-shakes fist at commas!-). Easier to learn from, you know? Though, that's not to take away from the critique you did give, which I wholly appreciated.

Sorry! I'm wearing it, if that's any indication?~ Haha, I've been meaning to find a way to say 'thank you' without sounding weird. While I already said I would, I now have even more motivation to finish that avatar art off for your Cirque thread. xD

( Oh jeeze, don't I owe a girl in there a reply, too? I'm so horrible at tracking things lately. )

It is! Haha, that was one of the few posts in there I tipped. I thought it was hilarious. I was going to get into a big argument about how Jaime and Cersei can't be identical twins for very obvious reasons, but then they changed the topic in the thread so I missed my chance, haha. I'm very upset after having learned they are meant to be identical twins, though. (Also, people saying they should have got fraternal twins is up there with Landon punching a horse in Full Metal Jousting for sheer ridiculousness/hilarity.)

Maybe I'm being a bit too hard on the GRRM world, though. I did just write a story about crazy red ants eating reporters. xD

[-G O D L Y- azn]

Slaughter in the Suburbs


As the rock music blared on, he stared into the blue sky, wondering, "What the hell will happen next?" He sat there thinking, not realizing that the playlist was finished. As he thought and thought of near conclusions to his future, his mom shouted, "Alec, it's supper time!" He heard this and suddenly bolt upright, coming back to reality. "Okay mom, I'm coming!" He shouted, as he struggled to fix up his unfinished homework. "Ah high school, I hope you never end," he thought as he closed his work book and went out his room. "Come, come, Alec, we have a special visitor!" his mom said excitedly. "Who is it?" he asked gingerly as he walked slowly down the stairs, slowly revealing the said visitor. The visitor had a fancy suit on, a top hat, and a walking stick. He looked really fancy, yet old school. Alec forced himself not to laugh at the man's attire, but the man saw this and slapped him hard across the face. He said in a husky voice, "Please, don't be rude." At this point, Alec was still in shock, without his mother backing him up. As he collected his thoughts, he shouted, "MOTHER, tell me now, WHO IS THIS ARROGANT OLD MAN!?" She said with a forced smile, "He's my new fiance'." After Alec heard this, he was taken aback, and millions of thoughts came in his head, "It's only been 2 years!" "How can she want this guy!?" "Is this for real!?" "I should tell her that I don't like him!" "It might hurt her feelings though.." As these thoughts continued, her mom said, "It's fine with you, isn't it, Alec?" while forcibly keeping her smile. "It's fine as long as I stay as the only child..." he answered. The man stayed still and quiet, as if he was calculating everyone, and observing everything in the room. Then suddenly, with all the tension in the room, the man says, "Let us eat?" in an impatient tone. As they ate in silence, Alec couldn't help but stare at the man with utter hatred. He had hoped that the man would feel it and leave. As he closed his eyes and stated that he was full, four, well-built men emerged from hiding, grabbed and tied them to their chairs, excluding the man. Alec was too stunned to say or do anything, he just stared at his mom, who he saw was in tears. "I'm sorry... Alec..." That was the second to the last thing he heard... and the last was gunfire. THE END c: (it's a really crappy story, with crappy characters and everything c: )

[The Solarised Night]

-G O D L Y- azn

Slaughter in the Suburbs


As the rock music blared on, he stared into the blue sky, wondering, "What the hell will happen next?" He sat there thinking, not realizing that the playlist was finished. As he thought and thought of near conclusions to his future, his mom shouted, "Alec, it's supper time!" He heard this and suddenly bolt upright, coming back to reality. "Okay mom, I'm coming!" He shouted, as he struggled to fix up his unfinished homework. "Ah high school, I hope you never end," he thought as he closed his work book and went out his room. "Come, come, Alec, we have a special visitor!" his mom said excitedly. "Who is it?" he asked gingerly as he walked slowly down the stairs, slowly revealing the said visitor. The visitor had a fancy suit on, a top hat, and a walking stick. He looked really fancy, yet old school. Alec forced himself not to laugh at the man's attire, but the man saw this and slapped him hard across the face. He said in a husky voice, "Please, don't be rude." At this point, Alec was still in shock, without his mother backing him up. As he collected his thoughts, he shouted, "MOTHER, tell me now, WHO IS THIS ARROGANT OLD MAN!?" She said with a forced smile, "He's my new fiance'." After Alec heard this, he was taken aback, and millions of thoughts came in his head, "It's only been 2 years!" "How can she want this guy!?" "Is this for real!?" "I should tell her that I don't like him!" "It might hurt her feelings though.." As these thoughts continued, her mom said, "It's fine with you, isn't it, Alec?" while forcibly keeping her smile. "It's fine as long as I stay as the only child..." he answered. The man stayed still and quiet, as if he was calculating everyone, and observing everything in the room. Then suddenly, with all the tension in the room, the man says, "Let us eat?" in an impatient tone. As they ate in silence, Alec couldn't help but stare at the man with utter hatred. He had hoped that the man would feel it and leave. As he closed his eyes and stated that he was full, four, well-built men emerged from hiding, grabbed and tied them to their chairs, excluding the man. Alec was too stunned to say or do anything, he just stared at his mom, who he saw was in tears. "I'm sorry... Alec..." That was the second to the last thing he heard... and the last was gunfire. THE END c: (it's a really crappy story, with crappy characters and everything c: )

Contest is over, dude.
Yes, I agree. It was crap.
If you do submit sometime in the future, please take it seriously and don't give me some regurgitated mass of cliches that took you 5 mins to write.

[-G O D L Y- azn]

The Solarised Night

-G O D L Y- azn

Slaughter in the Suburbs


As the rock music blared on, he stared into the blue sky, wondering, "What the hell will happen next?" He sat there thinking, not realizing that the playlist was finished. As he thought and thought of near conclusions to his future, his mom shouted, "Alec, it's supper time!" He heard this and suddenly bolt upright, coming back to reality. "Okay mom, I'm coming!" He shouted, as he struggled to fix up his unfinished homework. "Ah high school, I hope you never end," he thought as he closed his work book and went out his room. "Come, come, Alec, we have a special visitor!" his mom said excitedly. "Who is it?" he asked gingerly as he walked slowly down the stairs, slowly revealing the said visitor. The visitor had a fancy suit on, a top hat, and a walking stick. He looked really fancy, yet old school. Alec forced himself not to laugh at the man's attire, but the man saw this and slapped him hard across the face. He said in a husky voice, "Please, don't be rude." At this point, Alec was still in shock, without his mother backing him up. As he collected his thoughts, he shouted, "MOTHER, tell me now, WHO IS THIS ARROGANT OLD MAN!?" She said with a forced smile, "He's my new fiance'." After Alec heard this, he was taken aback, and millions of thoughts came in his head, "It's only been 2 years!" "How can she want this guy!?" "Is this for real!?" "I should tell her that I don't like him!" "It might hurt her feelings though.." As these thoughts continued, her mom said, "It's fine with you, isn't it, Alec?" while forcibly keeping her smile. "It's fine as long as I stay as the only child..." he answered. The man stayed still and quiet, as if he was calculating everyone, and observing everything in the room. Then suddenly, with all the tension in the room, the man says, "Let us eat?" in an impatient tone. As they ate in silence, Alec couldn't help but stare at the man with utter hatred. He had hoped that the man would feel it and leave. As he closed his eyes and stated that he was full, four, well-built men emerged from hiding, grabbed and tied them to their chairs, excluding the man. Alec was too stunned to say or do anything, he just stared at his mom, who he saw was in tears. "I'm sorry... Alec..." That was the second to the last thing he heard... and the last was gunfire. THE END c: (it's a really crappy story, with crappy characters and everything c: )

Contest is over, dude.
Yes, I agree. It was crap.
If you do submit sometime in the future, please take it seriously and don't give me some regurgitated mass of cliches that took you 5 mins to write.

I didn't read the title sweatdrop
Actually, this didn't take me 5 minutes (took more) , I just wanted to get criticized, get pointed at what's wrong c:

[The Solarised Night]

-G O D L Y- azn

The Solarised Night

-G O D L Y- azn

Slaughter in the Suburbs


As the rock music blared on, he stared into the blue sky, wondering, "What the hell will happen next?" He sat there thinking, not realizing that the playlist was finished. As he thought and thought of near conclusions to his future, his mom shouted, "Alec, it's supper time!" He heard this and suddenly bolt upright, coming back to reality. "Okay mom, I'm coming!" He shouted, as he struggled to fix up his unfinished homework. "Ah high school, I hope you never end," he thought as he closed his work book and went out his room. "Come, come, Alec, we have a special visitor!" his mom said excitedly. "Who is it?" he asked gingerly as he walked slowly down the stairs, slowly revealing the said visitor. The visitor had a fancy suit on, a top hat, and a walking stick. He looked really fancy, yet old school. Alec forced himself not to laugh at the man's attire, but the man saw this and slapped him hard across the face. He said in a husky voice, "Please, don't be rude." At this point, Alec was still in shock, without his mother backing him up. As he collected his thoughts, he shouted, "MOTHER, tell me now, WHO IS THIS ARROGANT OLD MAN!?" She said with a forced smile, "He's my new fiance'." After Alec heard this, he was taken aback, and millions of thoughts came in his head, "It's only been 2 years!" "How can she want this guy!?" "Is this for real!?" "I should tell her that I don't like him!" "It might hurt her feelings though.." As these thoughts continued, her mom said, "It's fine with you, isn't it, Alec?" while forcibly keeping her smile. "It's fine as long as I stay as the only child..." he answered. The man stayed still and quiet, as if he was calculating everyone, and observing everything in the room. Then suddenly, with all the tension in the room, the man says, "Let us eat?" in an impatient tone. As they ate in silence, Alec couldn't help but stare at the man with utter hatred. He had hoped that the man would feel it and leave. As he closed his eyes and stated that he was full, four, well-built men emerged from hiding, grabbed and tied them to their chairs, excluding the man. Alec was too stunned to say or do anything, he just stared at his mom, who he saw was in tears. "I'm sorry... Alec..." That was the second to the last thing he heard... and the last was gunfire. THE END c: (it's a really crappy story, with crappy characters and everything c: )

Contest is over, dude.
Yes, I agree. It was crap.
If you do submit sometime in the future, please take it seriously and don't give me some regurgitated mass of cliches that took you 5 mins to write.

I didn't read the title sweatdrop
Actually, this didn't take me 5 minutes (took more) , I just wanted to get criticized, get pointed at what's wrong c:

Alright dear, I will give you a quick critique.

- Dialogue needs to start on a new line
- Internal thoughts such as "what the hell will happen next?" should be italicized
- Why is he "staring at the blue sky" when he is clearly in his room? These are conflicting images
- The whole situation seems incredibly unbelievable
- Both your opening and closing lines are weak
- The narration is really disjointed and too casual.
- " calculating everyone" doesn't make sense. You need to rephrase that.

There are other errors but it is late.