Poetry contest! [full]

[wariswon]

Ze Kommissar

M o o n k h i s t

What an interesting concept!

What I like:
I like how you used personification with the furniture and the radio. I wrote a poem like this before, all the furniture in my classroom came alive and started attacking people. surprised The language and word choice is pretty interesting, and isn't boring, which I like. I love the reference you made to Alice in Wonderland: "She had been as mad as three hats on a hatter
in a looney bin
in the middle of a dinner party; ". To me, that is the most poetic line in the whole thing. Very noteworthy.

Suggestions:
I noticed you have capitalized a few words that aren't names or don't begin a sentence. I actually like that "Radio" is capitalized because you are 'chatting' with the radio, which gives it more of a human quality. I'd like to see emphasis on the personalities of each piece of furniture that was given life. There are a few grammatical things, like missing commas, and you're a little inconsistent with rhyming, but I get it if not rhyming all the time is your style.

Thank you for the critique biggrin .
The idea with the rhyming is to be inconsistent, and not make a whole lot of sense, each chunk of text is meant to have a slightly different, but still crazy feel to it.

: ) You're welcome.

I get what you mean! Perhaps you can put the non-rhyming parts in italics, as if the narrator is thinking to himself, and then comes back and starts rhyming to the reader again.
You want the poem to have some sort of structure/pattern, but it doesn't have to be so obvious, ya know?

[Fasia3]

Username: Fasia3
Prompt chosen: A moment between a parent and a child, specifically about losing a parent to Alzheimer's.


The directions were to wait for you to let me know if you have room or not, but since the ending date is so close, I'm including a link to my entry in case you add me to the list. Hope that's ok. ^^

-link-

[wariswon]

Fasia3

Username: Fasia3
Prompt chosen: A moment between a parent and a child, specifically about losing a parent to Alzheimer's.


The directions were to wait for you to let me know if you have room or not, but since the ending date is so close, I'm including a link to my entry in case you add me to the list. Hope that's ok. ^^

-link-

Well, everyone went ahead and submitted theirs anyway, but thanks. xD You are my last participant.

This is interesting!

What I like:
The few words in each stanza make me curious to read the poem- so far the structure looks interesting to me. The repeated lines make it sounds like a song, almost, which is deeply poetic. I also like how the lines either rhyme, or are slant rhymes.

Suggestions:
If you wouldn't of said this poem was about losing a parent to Alzheimer's, I don't think I would really understand what the poem was specifically about. I really like the terms "falling awake", but it feels as if they kind of stand alone in your poem. You should expand more on that idea, and also give a little more detail to each stanza telling the reader about what's going on.
(However, if this poem were a personal one of yours and you were the only one going to read it, then I wouldn't change so much to accommodate the reader- some people write poetry to cope. So I get it, if that was what this was written for.)

Also, the title is "Wet Paint". Why is that? I'd like to know more.

Thank you for your submission. 3nodding

[The Passing of Time]

M o o n k h i s t

Beautiful.

What I like:
My eyes were drawn to this poem because of the structure: small stanzas. I am one of those who, when flipping through a poetry book, are attracted to the poems with a less amount of words. I love how you tie this poem up with the first and last stanza- I see that you are trying to create a theme where in the beginning, you think the poppies are gorgeous and lively, but then at the end, you don't think so anymore because of a bad memory. That's an interesting concept.

Suggestions:
I can see the point you are trying to make, but I'd like it better if you were to expand on how you went from loving poppies, to being reminded of something dark because of them. Also, the syntax of one line threw me off and I had to reread it- "I saw a man, once, in a field of poppies torn in half". You can fix this by either adding a comma after "in a field of poppies", or change around the order the words come in. For example: "I saw a man torn in half, once, in a field of poppies." One way you can expand on this is by dedicating a stanza to your time dealing with war.

Thanks for the critique! biggrin And I see what you mean about that line with the field of poppies. It's good to have someone else read it, I missed that. smile

Also I feel the need that I personally haven't been in the war... But I suppose it's a good thing that it seemed like that, right?

[wariswon]

The Passing of Time

Thanks for the critique! biggrin And I see what you mean about that line with the field of poppies. It's good to have someone else read it, I missed that. smile

Also I feel the need that I personally haven't been in the war... But I suppose it's a good thing that it seemed like that, right?

Ah, I see! Viewpoint is another important thing to consider. Letting the reader know who you are/why you're writing this from a certain viewpoint makes the poem easier to understand. : )

[The Passing of Time]

M o o n k h i s t

Ah, I see! Viewpoint is another important thing to consider. Letting the reader know who you are/why you're writing this from a certain viewpoint makes the poem easier to understand. : )

Yes, indeed. biggrin In actual fact, I saw a picture of some soldiers in a poppy field somewhere in the Middle East and I had a sudden flash of inspiration.

[wariswon]

Ooh, wow. I haven't written from a picture in a while! One of these days, I'll get back into writing.

[Fasia3]

M o o n k h i s t

Well, everyone went ahead and submitted theirs anyway, but thanks. xD You are my last participant.

This is interesting!

What I like:
The few words in each stanza make me curious to read the poem- so far the structure looks interesting to me. The repeated lines make it sounds like a song, almost, which is deeply poetic. I also like how the lines either rhyme, or are slant rhymes.

Suggestions:
If you wouldn't of said this poem was about losing a parent to Alzheimer's, I don't think I would really understand what the poem was specifically about. I really like the terms "falling awake", but it feels as if they kind of stand alone in your poem. You should expand more on that idea, and also give a little more detail to each stanza telling the reader about what's going on.
(However, if this poem were a personal one of yours and you were the only one going to read it, then I wouldn't change so much to accommodate the reader- some people write poetry to cope. So I get it, if that was what this was written for.)

Also, the title is "Wet Paint". Why is that? I'd like to know more.

Thank you for your submission. 3nodding

Thank you for reading it! You put so much thought into your comments. ^^

It is a very personal poem, and you're right, it sounds very ambiguous. I see some ways I can change it to make it more easily-understood. I never really thought of it as writing for myself, but I think that's pretty accurate, actually...

I named it Wet Paint because of an emotion that led to this poem. The park bench kind of represents a special moment that you wish would never end, and the wet paint is like the one unavoidable factor that ruins the future.

[wariswon]

Woop looks like I had some plans tonight, sorry for the delay! I just got home, so I will be choosing a winner by midnight. When I choose, everyone else will get a little prize for participation, so don't forget about that!

c:

[wariswon]

Our winner is!!!!!

Username: Ze Kommissar
Prompt Chosen: -A moment describing an epiphany, or describing a discovery

I picked Ze Kommissar's poem because it had the most effective first impression on me and it was sparkling with originality. 3nodding

I will send him 20k, and the rest of you should expect trades with participation prizes very soon!

[The Passing of Time]

Congrats, Ze Kommissar! biggrin And well done to everyone else too. smile

Also thanks for the participation prize and cool prompts, Moonkhist. biggrin

[Ze Kommissar]

Thanks man, everyone elses poems were great too biggrin .

[wariswon]

I'm glad everybody had a positive experience! Good luck with any other contests. : )

If you need help with poetry or writing in general, feel free to PM me and I'll try to help out the best I can!

[Fasia3]

Yay, congrats Ze Kommissar! I was inspired by your poem.

Thanks Moon, I'm glad I could get my poem in right at the end and get some exposure and outside thoughts. >w<

[Natari13]

M o o n k h i s t

Natari13

Together
It’s just one of those days
You feel accomplished and have woken up,
Just to see that sunset.
Its brilliant spectrum,
Setting fire to the skyline.
To watch clouds,
bobbing in the flawless blue sky.
Spending time daydreaming in the sun.
With the wind blowing through your hair,
And the warmth of the sun on your cheek.
listening to the growling thunder,
In the dark of night.
To enjoy the sea breeze,
As you hang your feet over the edge of the dock.
Spending time with friends on the best days,
When the sun is high
When clouds drift by quietly.
In the rainy thunderstorms,
When the thunder growls.
Smelling the ocean,
And to wake up early together to celebrate the sunrise.

a moment in nature

Lovely.

What I like:
It was relevant and revolved around a theme, which is always a good thing. Lots of figurative language, so there is a lot of character in this piece. I love the word choice. I love how you described the sunset in vivid detail. Overall, this is great. smile

Suggestions:
I'm not sure if this poem is in the best light in second person. It works, but maybe first or third could be another option! I'd like to see some clarification on the setting, even though you've mentioned a sea/ocean, etc. Where am I envisioning myself? On top of a sandy hill overlooking the beach, or in a forest on an island?

Also, this isn't related, but when I try to visit your profile, I am stopped and warned of malware. You might want to check out some of the content of your profile. : )

Thankyou for the awsome input!!!!!
So when you try to access my acount it warns you about Malware... O.O
thankyou for informing me ill look into it. ^.^