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The name's Zoey, and if you've seen me around the forums, you probably know that I'm a critic who enjoys what probably amounts to drive-by grenade bombings of the more ludicrously underthought amateur plots, characters, and poems. If you've ever submitted a story for me to beta and had the rare good fortune to get it back (I apologize to pretty much everyone who's passed me along a story - school owns my soul), you also know that I'm competent at what I do.

So I've been thinking about starting this contest for awhile, mostly because of the number of halfassed entries I've seen to previous contests of this sort. Thus, I do things a bit differently. I also have a probably illicit love of hyperbole - keep that in mind when reading over the rules, rights, and requirements. (If you ask me what "hyperbole" means, so help me God I will find a way to stab you in the face over the internet. At least be arsed to use dictionary.com.)

(Please note that there are a minimum of 15 entries required for the contest to actually take place. To enter, first trade me your entry fee, then post your entry up in the thread.)


MY NEO-FASCIST RULES AND REQUIREMENTS:

-Read the essay I've linked to in my sig. There will be a quiz.

-Your character must be genetically less than one-quarter human. No submitting cyborgs and being like, "but over three-quarters of hir organic bits have been replaced!" Furries may be decided on a case-by-case basis, but as a general rule, if your character is societally indistinguishable from a human you're kind of defeating the purpose.

-A shapeshifter character may not have a human natural form. If their humanoid form is a placeholder or a form of camouflage, they may stand a chance; see the conditions mentioned above. (Just the same, I wouldn't submit, for example one of my characters who's actually a young shapeshifting alien, but has taken a form greatly similar to a vampire to better survive the environment he's found himself in. A multidimensional/planeshifting entity whose placeholder in this dimension is human is also pushing it, but again if they are noteworthily socially or psychologically different from a human I'd be willing to give you the benefit of a doubt.)

-Gods/demigods, angels or demons whose base forms are humanoid are forbidden as well. If you can come up with a plausible Seraphim (one of those things with hundreds of eyes and on fire), for example, you're welcome to try; demons with bestial natural forms are also tolerable, so long as they spend more time in that form than in a humanoid form, and so long as their natures and histories reflect that form and why they find it appropriate.

-Inventiveness is encouraged. Your character need not even be organic, necessarily - while more human varieties of androids may be disqualified, weapons system AIs might provide interesting possibilities.

-Elves, dwarves, and the other humanoid fantasy races are likewise forbidden. To me, these races represent halfassery.


OTHER EXPECTATIONS

-I expect your character to be A CHARACTER - not just a display piece for your shiny non-human race. That means they need to have a developed personality and a personal history - not just be a collection of physical traits and miscellaneous vague descriptors. If I ask you how your character came to be the kind of character you've described, you must be able to explain it without resorting to cliches or blanket statements. (I may be more lenient than I sound on this requirement if you're admittedly still in the process of developing the character - but you have to let me know where you are in that process, what you've done so far, and the character's reason for existing.)

-I expect you to have put some thought into your race's history and evolution. This means no glaring anatomical impossibilities or biological ******** that would have them picked off in a generation, no massive and obvious hardware or software flaws or impracticalities, and no using magic as a catch-all attempted justification for anything that might fall into either of the above categories.


I RESERVE THE FOLLOWING RIGHTS:

-To tell you, for any reason and in any manner of my choosing, that you suck. (Simple and straightforward, really.) I will probably only exercise this right if you submit a Mary Sue, Marty Stu, or other variety of sorely underdeveloped character - or if you butcher the English language. However, you may also be informed that you suck if you act like a pompous a** without reason or justification.

-To encourage others to heckle you. If you submit a particularly shitty and underdeveloped character, your app is fair game for the wolves - I certainly won't stop them, and I might even egg them on.

-To try to force you not to suck. However brutal my commentary about your entry may be, you will always be able to glean useful advice from it if you don't immediately throw a pathetic ego-tantrum.

-To decide not to award prizes in the event of mass suckage. If all the entries are about equally ghastly and none of them are s**t I feel like wading through, I'll refund everyone's entry fee, and return all donations.


Still want to join? Heh, you're probably either actually competent or too stupid to read and comprehend the rules - or maybe just desperate for honest and sugarfree advice.


FEES, DIVISIONS, AND PRIZES

-There are no longer different categories, because fanfiction was being completely neglected.

-There is a 100 gold fee per entry, which must be sent to Sarin Dragoon. I will be matching this fee as a contribution to the prize money.

-First place in each division will receive 68% of the total entry fees/whatever I can drum up in donations, plus a Snow Yeti. Second place will receive 30% and a Paper Cat Band, or fish hat. Third place will receive Newsprint Stars or a Paper Crown, and a Gaia 2nd Anniversary Hat or Balloon. The remaining 2% is pathetic compensation for the effort the judges will be putting in, so we'll have to find other ways to amuse ourselves (probably at your expense). Thus, expect us to take no prisoners in reviewing your applications.
THE DEADLINE
As of now, the deadline is set at whenever I receive 15 entries. This is subject to extension if enough people express interest.

THE JUDGES
Your latent sadists for the duration will be myself (Zoharial), Kalotnav, and TheAntiSora. Be nice to us, and we may not feast upon your innards.


THE ENTRANTS
Aren't you having fun! (Again, please note that there are a minimum of 15 entries required for judging to take place.)

1. Sylphi
2. LongTimeListener
3. .The.Flying.Yariman.
4. Missie DuCaine
5. TempusBliss
6. Sheltigrrl
7. Noyoki
8. Lehel
9. Bittersweet_3
10. Ralph_Keidolurgon
11. Sexy Frozen
12. Kaeru Mercury
13. Gemini Star
14.
15.


THE DONORS:
1) Coronaviridae (3000g + Snow Yeti) heart
2) Rose McCann (3000g) heart
3) Talen Lestrange (2000 + Gaia 2nd Anniversary Balloon and Hat) heart

THE POT:
Snow Yeti
Gaia 2nd Anniversary Balloon
Gaia 2nd Anniversary Hat
Misc. Paper Cat Bands and Paper Crowns
Newsprint Stars
Misc. Fish Hats
12000g
THE BASIC ENTRY FORM
Feel free to expand off this to include any details you think are relevant.

Character's Name:
Race Name, History, and Description:
Character's History and Personality:
Physical Description of Character:
(Optional) Brief Synopsis of Storyline and Where the Character Fits In:

Note that these are, generally, in order of importance to understanding the character (save the character's name, which functions as an entry title). The race history and description provides their necessary backstory; the character's history and personality indicate where the character fits into their world. Their physical description is not particularly important, but I've included it on the off-chance that your character may have distinguishing physical features that could impact their lifestyle or interactions with the rest of their world.
Character's Name: It/they is generally addressed by its own kind with 4 parts the scent of limestone and 1 part the scent of silicon. It/they go by the name Bob the Blob among races who use words.

Race Name: Chlorobium tepidum

History: Chlorobium tepidum are a race of phototrophic bacterial mats which evolved in hotsprings. The first glimmers of sentience emerged after about 3 million years, and full sentience was achieved 6 million years later.

CTs communicate with each other by secreting complex chemical smells into the water. To them, a complex and well-ordered sequence of smells can be as beautiful as a poem or sonnet is to us.

Because CTs are composed of billions of individual bacteria, sentience is a sort of gestalt effect. Therefore in some of the larger CTs, one end of the mat may not have the same sentience as the other, just as human personalities are not constant through time.

Description: Greyish green, slimey, about five centimeters deep and at least ten meters in diameter.



Character's History and Personality: Bob began life as an ordinary CT, spawned from a bit of an older CT which had broken off and been carried away by a scientist (Charles McIntire). Bob's genesis bacteria was then introduced to a new, unoccupied hot spring, where he was allowed to grow unimpeded.

Bob began learning to read when Charles accidentally dropped one of his papers into the hotspring. Bob liked the taste of ink, and 'read' the document over and over. By the time the document had almost entirely disintegrated, Bob realized that the chemical patterns had a meta-meaning beyond their individual beauty.

His first attempt at communication was a series of ink blotches on the water, made in hopes of receiving more written documents. After several years, Bob learned to communicate with Charles, and Charles learned to communicate back.

Bob likes flowers, watercolor paintings, books, and philosophy. He dislikes global warming, non-rhyming poetry, and oil paintings. He doesn't really understand emotions, although he regularly experiences curiosity, affection, and dread.

Physical Description of Character: Bob looks like most sentient CTs. He is only four centimeters thick, but 12 meters in diameter. He covers most of the surface of his hotspring, and is often decorated with fresh flowers Charles brings.
Yay for our first entry! whee Sylphi, if you don't mind the inquiry, could you elaborate a bit on the story you plan to use Bob in? (I ask because it's a cool and inventive concept. You have filled me with hope for the future of this contest, by the way.)
Zoharial
Yay for our first entry! whee Sylphi, if you don't mind the inquiry, could you elaborate a bit on the story you plan to use Bob in? (I ask because it's a pretty cool and inventive concept. You have filled me with hope for the future of this contest, by the way.)


Thank you.

The story isn't completely fleshed out yet, but basically, after Charles publishes his paper on having discovered a sentient species of bacteria, Bob becomes an international celebrity, only sans the hordes of adoring fans. Fundies denounce him as an abomination and other scientists denounce Charles as a quack.

Bob agrees to allow other scientists to study him to help Charles. But the portion of Bob which is taken to the new lab is too small to be sentient. Bob and Charles are declared fakes. Bob realizes what's wrong and, with the help of a sympathetic scientist, they arrange for 'Bob Jr.' to be moved to a larger facility. He soon gains sentience and begins attempting to communicate. Charles is vindicated and Bob gets to meet his 'son'. (Although the fundies still hate him.)

Good luck with the contest. ^_^
xd That's awesome. Seriously, when you get around to writing it, let me know. I'd actually manage a decent turnaround time beta-reading for you, if you want the help.
Zoharial
xd That's awesome. Seriously, when you get around to writing it, let me know. I'd actually manage a decent turnaround time beta-reading for you, if you want the help.


Many thanks. I have no intention of starting anything big/new until after I finish my thesis, so... June, maybe? ^_^

I greatly enjoyed fleshing Bob out, though. Good brainstorming exercises are few and far between.

Oh gods, thesis... *headthunk*
Yeah, I'll be experiencing the joy of thesis in time. Senior or Master's for you?
Zoharial
Yeah, I'll be experiencing the joy of thesis in time. Senior or Master's for you?


Both. 5-year simultaneous SB/SM program.

Too bad I can't get a BD... ^_^

Do you have a topic, yet?
Nothing yet, but I'm still a sophomore. I'm guessing that if I hang around Dr. Blaes enough, I'll come up with one (since I want to go into his field, i.e. compact objects), but for now, I can afford to focus on the more immediate. Good luck with yours, by the way. *pats* What's it on?
Zoharial
Nothing yet, but I'm still a sophomore. I'm guessing that if I hang around Dr. Blaes enough, I'll come up with one (since I want to go into his field, i.e. compact objects), but for now, I can afford to focus on the more immediate. Good luck with yours, by the way. *pats* What's it on?


Attempting to explain the persistence of so-called communist governments in Laos, Vietnam, and Cuba.

Compact objects?
Sylphi
Attempting to explain the persistence of so-called communist governments in Laos, Vietnam, and Cuba.

Compact objects?

Sounds interesting, but difficult and involved.

Compact objects are things like black holes and neutron stars.

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