Welcome to Gaia! :: Knightly Short story contest: RESULTS PAGE 194!!!

Thanks Imo smile I thought it was something like that, but couldn't quite get it, haha XD

Judgement will be up shortly. Just putting up the finishing touches, and reading some of the stories one more time. I'm still making a decision about a couple of them.

Days

Until We Can Feel Again



Grammatically, you are missing an “and” before the “then”.



I’m pretty sure this should by lying, but I’m not too sure.



Now, my biggest critique is that there’s a bit of an inconsistency here. You are writing the story in 1st person, and yet you show intimate moments between other characters while you are not there. How do you know this is happening? This would be fine in 3rd person, or in a script, but not in 1st person *unless* you have some sort of explanation for it (like a diary note at the end telling readers you compiled this list afterwards after talking to everyone and getting the full story, etc). I understand this is a chapter out of something bigger, but this and a couple other small parts can’t stand on their own without an explanation.

Thisaccountisterminated
(Formerly bandbaby)

Untitled

I don’t know if you are still around, but here we go anyways, just in case you are. We’ll start off with a few spelling mistakes below:



Ominous



You forgot a space here.



until.



Supposed to be “deed”.

It’s too obvious that you switched it from old to modern, and it detracts from the story. There were too many quotations, too many times where it appeared you got lazy.

Days VS Thisaccountisterminated

Winner: Days, for superior character development, plot, and general flow.

STANDINGS

Days
Thisaccountisterminated

Starving_Artist

Slum Knight

Now, the second half of the story was much, much better quality than the first half. The first half sounded somewhat rant-like, and some lines like this:



Sounded a little cliché. However, once you got into the actual meat of the story, you sounded much better. The plot fell into place, the characters developed more and more, and was just better quality. So, fix up that beginning.

Also, I’d like you to add another dimension to Garret. Why did he start to kill all those criminals? What turned him into a vigilante in the first place? I understand that Brenda made him keep doing it, but what made him start? And while in the story you say it’s not important, it kinda is. Take your demigod and make him human. Make us understand him, and it’ll improve the readers experience with the character.

The grammar/spelling was pretty good, just a couple of minor things to watch:

.



The comma separates two related but different sentences, so it should be a semicolon instead. However, not a big deal though – it still works with a comma, it just works better with a semicolon.

Days VS Starving_Artist

Winner: Days, for superior general flow.

Starving_Artist VS Thisaccountisterminated

Winner: Starving_Artist, for superior plot and character development.

Standings:

Days
Starving_Artist
Thisaccountisterminated



Hazgarn

White Knight in Blue[/size]

Only 1 grammar mistake:



Get rid of the comma.

I loved the story’s imagery and use of metaphorical language – the metaphor’s were properly explained so that I could understand exactly what was going on. However, its size did work against it, and it fell short in terms of character development and plot. I’d like to see you carry this further into something much bigger.

Hazgarn vs Days

Winner: Days, for superior character development and plot.

Hazgarn vs Starving_Artist

Winner: Starving_Artist, for superior character development and plot.

Hazgarn vs Thisaccountisterminated

Winner: Hazgarn, for superior use of language.

Standings:

Days
Starving_Artist
Hazgarn.


Netolla

My knight in Shining Cargo

Ok, there were some grammatical mistakes – for example:



Forgot to capitalize the “but”.



You need an apostrophe after minotaur.

There were a few others as well, but they were all simple mistakes such as the ones above – remember to proofread and spellcheck.

Now, getting into the meat of the story. I liked it, it had a decent plot to it and it was very feel-good. I would, however, like you to have expanded this a little bit – perhaps an introduction where they are looking down at the girl. The idea of the girl being sick doesn’t even play into the story until that part – so essentially, it’s a plot twist that doesn’t have the effect a plot twist should have.

Also, the antagonist of the story seemed too much of a villain from the Saturday morning cartoons I once watched (and admittedly, still do when I can). He struck me as evil in a comical, children’s way, but not real, which ruined the effect for me. Take my advice – less “mwhahahahahahahaha” evil, and more modern-day psychotic evil, or corrupt evil. You say he preys on the girl’s self-esteem – show it! You do it a little bit here, but you could do so much more with it.

So, in short, you had the makings of a good plot, but forgot a couple of key ingredients to make it truly spectacular.


Netolla vs Days

Winner: Days, on superior character development.

Netolla vs Starving_Artist

Winner: Starving_Artist, on superior plot.

Netolla vs Hazgarn

Winner: Hazgarn, on superior use of language.

Standings:
Days
Starving_Artist
Hazgarn



Wynnidele
AKA Leosa

School Yard Knight

For starters, you had way too many simple mistakes in here. Normally, I don’t even catch any the first time I read it. Maybe occasionally one or two if I’m being observant. But there were just way too many here. Run a simple spellcheck on this to fix them.

Now, into the story…

It was very feel-good and an enjoyable read, but my biggest criticism was that it was too obvious you wrote it in a hurry. Too many missed words, too many spelling and grammar mistakes. Otherwise, it was a nice, feel-good quick read.

Wynnidele vs Days

Winner: Days, on superior plot and language (grammar/spelling).

Wynnidele vs Starving_Artist

Winner: Starving_Artist, on superior plot and language.

Wynnidele vs Hazgarn

Winner: Hazgarn, on superior language.

Standings:

Days
Starving_Artist
Hazgarn


Mapyl paint

The Melody of Dust

Ok, you had one typo here:



get rid of the “a”.

Also, you had some pronoun (or rather, lack therof) issues –



You could have just used “he” here, but you used the cat’s full name twice in a row. I understand if you were trying to go for a certain effect, but, for lack of a better way to put it, it wasn’t very effective.

Also, a girl swinging a chair at a guy’s head seems a little WWE-ish, if you know what I mean. Perhaps using the violin as the weapon might work better?

Otherwise, it was a nice, simple story, and I liked the imagery you had at the end – I don’t think you could have ended that one better.

Mapyl Paint vs Days

Winner: Days, on superior plot and character development.

Mapyl Paint vs Starving_Artist

Winner: Starving_Artist, on superior plot and character development.

Mapyl Paint vs Hazgarn

Winner: Mapyl Paint, on superior plot.

Standings:

Days
Starving_Artist
mapyl paint



Kumniko Banoss

Alexandria’s knight

I couldn’t find much in the way of spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes, which is great. You were missing a couple of words here:



Also, when you say Ian was “spiraled” out on the bed, I think that you meant “sprawled”

But other than that, not much. However, I will take issue with the way you wrote the story. The woman was too impersonal, too cold – it didn’t fit the character you were trying to create. For example:



If a woman gets beaten by her husband (probably more than once), and then she is saved one day by a couple of police officers while in the process of getting beaten again… I severely doubt she’ll call that a “domestic dispute incident”. It’s too professional a way to put it. Too robotic. This story could become a lot better if you were to put a lot more energy into character development.

Kumniko Banoss vs Days

Winner: Days, on superior character development and plot.

Kumniko Banoss vs Starving_Artist

Winner: Starving_Artist, on superior character development/plot.

Kumniko Banoss vs Mapyl Paint

Winner: Mapyl Paint, on superior use of language.

Standings:

Days
Starving_Artist
mapyl paint


Tay Royale

Midsummer knight’s dream

Some grammatical mistakes, here:



Missing an “and” before “a pouty”.



You’re, not your.

Otherwise… a damn fun read. To be truthful, not much in the way of character development, but the plot and the writing style more than made up for it I think. Good job.

Tay Royale vs Days

Winner: Days, on superior plot and character development.

Tay Royale vs Starving_Artist

Winner: Starving_Artist, on superior character development.

Tay Royale vs mapyl paint

Winner: Tay Royale, on superior plot and enjoyment.

Standings:

Days
Starving_Artist
Tay Royale


Christene~Half-Angel

The Black Knight

Now, this story made me LOL. No grammar/spelling mistakes to speak of, at least that I could find. Not much of character development, but the plot and writing style made up for it. It was a very pleasant read, and a good one to end the contest with.

Christene~Half-Angel vs Days

Winner: Days, on superior plot and character development.

Christene~Half-Angel vs Starving_Artist

Winner: Starving_Artist, on superior plot and character development.

Christene~Half-Angel vs Tay Royale.

Winner: TIE!!!

Final Standings.

1st: Days
2nd: Starving_Artist
3rd: Christene~Half-Angel/ Tay Royale

~*~

=flails=

Congrats, everybody!

~*~

Congrats to everyone. That was fun. heart