God Doesn't Suck contest: JUDGED

For my last poll, a short summary of what went on here...

panda lauchers	4.8%	[ 1 ]
zero trying to get Mahayr naked	33.3%	[ 7 ]
light saber mayhem	19.0%	[ 4 ]
Mahayr kicking that alligator IN THE FACE	9.5%	[ 2 ]
unnecessarily extreme usage of capital letters, exclamation points, and fire	9.5%	[ 2 ]
Mahayr shaming me (but getting you people better prizes)	4.8%	[ 1 ]
polyp	9.5%	[ 2 ]
Sqarr's infamous mirror shoes (ewwwwww)	0.0%	[ 0 ]
Mahayr's chessy butt (and my candy one)	0.0%	[ 0 ]
And of course, the rampant blasphemy	9.5%	[ 2 ]
Total Votes:			[ 21 ]

[demagoguery]

THIS IS OVER... ish.

So anyways, I was sitting about studying for some AP test, whining about how I have absolutely no time to do anything ever, when I got the brilliant idea to do a writing contest.

Go figure.

A few people who know me well know that I have the Hep C. How exciting.

Well, funtime's over. Turns out I'm clean. After four false positives. Blood tests suck.

But yay, I'm not dying. W00t (I was much more excited about this about a month ago). Dema's going to be with you freaks a bit longer. Try to contain your joy.

This is about the third major disease I've survived (yes, survived, the reason I kept screwing up the tests is because I have weird antibodies or something). I have no idea why I keep getting stupid diseases and living, but I do. God has sloppy smiting aim or something.

Theme? I want it to be something original about God. Ca.Ged is not allowed to enter in her piece about God in the elevator because she'd win automatically, and I'm sure someone would yell at me about that. However, if I ever find it, I'll put in a link so people will know what I want.

Here it is: http://www.geocities.com/integraderivation/remote/home.html


This doesn't have to be about any specific religion (which means any god you want people). Make up a religion. Hell, it doesn't have to be religious at all. Actually, I'd prefer if no religion was included at all. Rock on.

Yes, it is necessary that that be in bold. I don't want anyone thinking I'm some crazy uber Christian.

Entry fee: 74g

Yeah, that sucks. I tried to make it small, since I'm celebrating being alive and all that. Unfortunately, it turns out that I like fake gaian money. Go figure. Plus, the number has significance to me.

If you're poor or have recently joined, or are seriously having issues, pm me or post here and we'll work something out.

If you'd like to donate to this contest, go for it. That would rock.

If you'd like to donate to me, go for it. I'm questing, my gaian anniversary's in three days, and I'm greedy. If not, ah well. Please put that you're donating to me and not my contest, because otherwise I'll put it in the contest, and that would suck. For me. Doubt it would matter to anyone else.

Alright people, the prizes. They suck. However, the prize fee isn't too bad (go vote in a couple polls or something).

THE PRIZES HAVE GONE UP, THANKS TO MAHAYR AND HER EXTREME ROCKINESSNITIVITY. TEH W00T W00T.

!st: 6k
2nd: 2.5k
3rd: A fish

Please post entries in this thread. I want it PG-13. If God starts making out with a whole bunch of people I'm going to be very miffed.

Right now, there's no real deadline, except for some vague point in June. On June 1st I shall look about, and decide whether or not to abandon this thing. By that time I would like to have a few entries, so it is a sort of deadline.

AHHHH!!!!! SOME OTHER REQUIREMENTS I HAD FORGOTTEN!!!!!

There is no specific word format. Go crazy. Although, I should warn you, I am more partial to prose. But if you are truly better at poetry go for it.

No word minimum, but try to keep your stories short. How short? You decide. I don't care enough. If your story's really good and long, I'll read it. However, if it's really bad and long I will skim it and you will be less likely to win.

DONATORS OF SPIFFY COOLNESS:

Renee Squirrel person: 400g (alrighty then)

To Renee I give a blue light saber:


To Mahayr, patron of the thread and my ninja headband, I give the purple light saber. No, no one else gets this light saber. Ever. Ever.



Hmmmm... that's just not good enough.

MAHAYR GETS ALL THE LIGHTSABERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEEE!!!!!!! BECAUSE I CAN DO THAT!!!!!!!!!



Rock on.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE ENTERED:

Sylphi: Trickey of Bel, pg 1

Dreizehn Itu: Starbucks God, pg 2

Toxicpink: Pastor Ben, pg 4

Eleneagalad (interesting name...): Last Battle, pg 4

Vannak (no entry, but he paid)

Mahayr: untitled, pg 4

calviness: God Inc and God In Mirror, pg 5

Mahayr: that one thingy she did. You know. That thing.

artuirth: Mother, pg 6

Semya: God loves everyone (and) Maybe God's Sentimental, both pg 7

Naiinii: A little talk with God, pg 10

Kaori Death Angel: untitled, pg 10

Deacon Nuno: Riding the Dragon, pg 15

Bluebus: Sharon, pg 18

Wonderfinch: Five, pg 24

Untitled: Blank Earthender, pg 29

Oterys: pg 29

[Diabolikai]

does it have to be positive o.O and does it have to be story format or poetry or what?

[The Apple of His Eye]

...interesting? I wonder how you could possibly make something concerning God non-religious...I'll have to try that. ninja In any case, this looks interesting. If I can afford it, I will donate. If you can afford it, go to my charity.

[demagoguery]

Diabolikai

does it have to be positive o.O and does it have to be story format or poetry or what?

Thanks for bringing up some stuff I had forgotten.

No, it doesn't have to be in any specific format, although I think I'll put up a word limit now (thank you so much, very glad not to have some twenty thousand page novel in me thread).

Righty-o. I'm a very flaky person, so feel free to correct or suggest stuff. I honestly don't mind, especially when I have screwed up. Which happens. A lot.

[demagoguery]

The Donator

...interesting? I wonder how you could possibly make something concerning God non-religious...I'll have to try that. ninja In any case, this looks interesting. If I can afford it, I will donate. If you can afford it, go to my charity.

Rock on. Other vague epithets that further the stoner out-of-it surfer stereotype of California. Cowabunga.

I like that word...

[Diabolikai]

yeah but does it have to be positive o.O im not really a god worshiper so yeah lol

[Mahayr]

Proof read!
See post in youknowwhere!
You are a goof!
You made me spew AGAIN!

[Sylphi]

ooo. Can I join?

[Nolah de Fanel]

Hey Dema. Congrats **huggles though in a protective suit so that Dema does not slice her to bits for attempting a hug** I dunno if I'll enter but I'll certainly drop in from time to time.

[The Apple of His Eye]

demagoguery

The Donator

...interesting? I wonder how you could possibly make something concerning God non-religious...I'll have to try that. ninja In any case, this looks interesting. If I can afford it, I will donate. If you can afford it, go to my charity.

Rock on. Other vague epithets that further the stoner out-of-it surfer stereotype of California. Cowabunga.

I like that word...

0.0...okay...(I think I've had the wierdness just beat out of me.)

[demagoguery]

Diabolikai

yeah but does it have to be positive o.O im not really a god worshiper so yeah lol

No. It doesn't have to be positive. It doesn't have to include the christian god. If you want, you can make the piece specifically about the absence of god. I'm extremely flexible.

@Mahayr: Hoorah

@Nolah: Hoorah *does something totally radical and hugs her back, then denies it*

@Sylphi: No. No you cannot. I FORBID IT. (yeah, you can join)

@The Donator: Wow. You weird easily. You might not want to stick around, it'll only get better.

[The Apple of His Eye]

demagoguery

Diabolikai

yeah but does it have to be positive o.O im not really a god worshiper so yeah lol

@The Donator: Wow. You weird easily. You might not want to stick around, it'll only get better.

No I really don't wierd that easily. I'm actually pretty wierd myself. That just struck me as...above average wierd. (I've never seen someone use stoner and surfer in the same sentence 0_0)

[demagoguery]

I FOUND THE LINKY!!!!!

http://www.geocities.com/integraderivation/remote/home.html

YAY ME!!!!!!

[Mahayr]

Hoorah my a**! Go read and ANSWER the post in the Charity thread you maroon!

Then, and only then, will you have my decision... I am thinking seriously about sending you a few more fish to up the third prize. Ohyes.

Hahahahahahahaha!

I really love you!

[Sylphi]

The Trickery of Bel


The land of Uruk lay between the mountains of Zag in the north and the deserts of Airibi in the South. To its east spread the mouth of the sea and to its west, vast forests in which grew trees of every shape and description. The king of Uruk was a noble man, and more resplendent than the sun, which he put to shame. But he was a foolish man, and from his ignorance came great suffering.

In those days, the gods made a habit of walking among men, for the earth was bountiful and its inhabitants beautiful, which greatly pleased the gods.

And Bel, youngest and most playful of the gods, went to his older brother Marduk, and said, "Come with me to the forests of Uruk, for I have seen there the most beautiful of stones, more dazzling even than those which grace the countenance of heaven. Surely with such jewels you could win the love of your sister Assit."

Marduk was the bravest and strongest of the gods, but Bel the trickiest, so he said, "Why, brother, if you have found such glories, do you not collect them yourself, and woo our beautiful sister?"

Bel laughed and spake unto him, "I am too small to pull such great stones from the ground. Only your great arms could move them into the heavens. Clearly I would be no proper husband for Assit." And so saying, he convinced his brother, and they put on their sandals and went down to the earth, where all was green and beautiful.

Bel led his brother deep into the forest, where darkness and shadows fell around them.

"Brother," said Marduk, "where are these stones you spoke of?"

"There they are," he said, pointing to a ruby which lay embedded in the forest floor.

And Marduk went to remove the crystal, but lo, he discovered his brother's trickery, for the forest vines overlay a pool of quicksand. Struggle as he might, he could not extract himself, and the more he resisted the deeper he sunk. Desperately he implored his brother's help, but Bel just stood back and laughed.

At length Bel brought out a wand of venom wood, and tapped the retreating crown of his brother's head, and transformed him into the shape of a tree, overgrowing the sand. Thus he could not be accused of fratricide.

Marduk's disappearance did not go unnoticed among the gods. The beautiful Assit spurned all of Bel's approaches, and dressed in mourning garb. Dumkina and Ea, mother and father of the gods, became distressed at his absences and left the great hall of the gods to wander the countryside.

The gods walked across great plains and the rolling hills, across mountains and valleys, until they reached the kingdom of Kish, which was ruled by Etana, a gracious and kind ruler, well-schooled in the arts of hospitality. He welcomed his visitors, fed and housed them beneath his roof, and called his great soothsayers to sacrifice oxen and heifers upon the alters. The soothsayers and priests found Marduk in the entrails of the cow, in the country of Uruk.

After many days of walking, Dumkina and Ea came at length to the great capital of Uruk, where the king Lugazi ruled in majesty and splendor. But rather than receive his guests with grace and hospitality, he mistook them for beggars, for they were covered in the dirt of the road and clothed in the garb of mourning. He turned them away from his palace, and slammed its doors in their faces.

And then the gods flew into a rage to be so sorely mistreated, and Ea took Dumkina his consort back into the clouds, whence they rained down pestilence and misfortune on the kingdom of Uruk, and raised up the armies of Kish, and wiped the nation from the face of the map.

And the men of Uruk were destroyed on the fields of battle, its women taken for concubines, and its children sold into slavery. Its fields were sown with salt, so that they brought forth no living things, and its forests were poisoned, so that those who might try to farm there were destroyed by the anger of the gods. And the kingdom of Kish did delight in the glory of the gods, whom it worshiped with honor and sacrifice.

King Lugazi fled with his family from the royal city, and this is the accounting of those who went with him: ten royal wives, each more beautiful than the sun; twenty royal concubines, each more beautiful than the moon; fifty priests and wise men, each more learned than the greatest men of our times; one hundred children as delicate as flowers and as bright as the stars; and five hundred servants, slaves, and retainers, each more gifted in his arts than free men today. Youngest and purest among these was his daughter Anaina.

The house of Lugazi fled to the depths of the forest, where they were safe from the armies of Kish, but not from each other nor the gods. And before the year's end when the snows had cascaded down from the mountain tops, the forest had claimed the lives of all but ten. Now Anaina, once a beautiful princess in sparkling gowns and radiant dresses, made do with scraps of cloth and woven twigs, drank from rivers and dug roots from the ground like a pig. But being young and pure at heart, the forest was not a danger to her, and she could eat things which no one else could.

And so it passed that in the depths of winter, when food was scarce and the plants shriveled away, she came across a great tree in the midst of the forest, whose roots straddled a mighty river and whose branches hung heavy with nuts. Joyfully Anaina gathered them from the branches, and cracked them between the stones which lay by the riverside, and so was saved from the winter. But the nuts were repugnant to her parents, who could not touch them without burning the flesh of their hands, for the tree was as the venom of snakes to them.

But in the spring when the snows retreated and green returned to the world, Anaina found herself with child, although she had lain with no man. Afraid for her life and the honor of her family, she left her parents and fled deep into the forest, until she came back to the place where the venom tree straddled the waters, nuts heavy on its branches. There she collapsed at the water's edge, and wept for her condition, until she fell asleep in the shade of the tree.

There appeared to her in a dream the god Marduk, beautiful and resplendent, his brow crowned with verdant leaves. He kissed her, and took her into his arms, and made her his wife.

"You are mine, and the child within you, born of the seed of my tree, which you alone may eat. Only you have the power to free me from my imprisonment. You must raise my daughter well, for she is the child of gods."

Anaina nodded and submitted herself to the will of the god. In the fall season, when the fruit grew ripe upon the bushes and the birds fell drunk from the skies, she gave birth to a daughter, Aia. Aia had cheeks the color of roses and stars in her eyes, hair like silk obsidian and lips like pearls.

Anaina found a place for themselves in a village in the woods, not far from the great tree. Among the Guti people she learned to hunt and fish, and provide for herself. From the old women of the tribe she learned to make paper from the bark of trees, and every day she traveled to the venom tree, stripped off the bark, and pounded it into paper.

This became the most beautiful paper ever made, pounded from the underbark of the venom tree, deep in the forests of the Guti. Only the bravest of travelers would venture into the depths of the forest to Anaina's village, but those who survived the journey became as rich as princes, while kings and emperors demanded the paper to record the chronicles of their deeds and exploits. The life of the king of Uruk, now the Sun-Emperor of Kish, was recorded on this paper, bound in the flesh of the one-horned utzbeck, and kept in the house of the gods.

In the forest, the paper kept Anaina and her daughter Aia alive and well. For fifty sheets of paper they could eat for a year, and if she were lucky, she could produce a page a week. Anaina alone could produce the sacred paper, for she alone knew the chants for gathering the bark, the prayers for pounding it, or the charms for blessing it. For anyone else to attempt it was death, for the tree was as venom to them.

But the other villagers did not begrudge Anaina, for she had come among them as a beggar, and she shared with them her good fortune, but looked upon her as one might a bright child with some deformity.

Each day Anaina stripped bark from the sides of the venom tree, and pounded it by hand, removing the poison so that others might write upon it. At night Aia bandaged her hands in wet cloths dipped in maggots to keep them fresh and prevent the dead flesh from rotting off.

But Anaina remained virtuous and pure, despite the hardships of her life. Each night before bed she thanked the gods for the secrets she had been shown, for her beautiful daughter, and the kindness of her neighbors. Without them they would have surely starved in the woods by now, or been forced to return to the city, where the king's men would catch them and execute her before the crowds, and then commit untold atrocities upon her daughter.

In her tenth year the spirits of the forest began to speak to Aia. And she went to her mother who was pounding bark down by the river and said to her, "Mother, who is Marduk, and why do the trees weep for him?"

And Anaina looked at her crossly, for she was too young to ask such questions. "The gods have cursed this land, child, so that it cannot be put to plow, and so the trees weep. Do not trouble me again with foolish questions."

In her eleventh year Aia heard the spirits again, so she went to her mother, who was curing paper by the riverside, and said, "Mother, who is Anaina, and why must she toil to free her husband?"

And Anaina looked at her crossly, for she had never told her daughter her true name, the name given to her by her father the king and which if it were known among people would be her death.

"Anaina is no one, destroyed in ancient days at the blade of a sword. Now be silent and ask no more foolish questions."

In her twelfth year Aia heard the spirits once again, and so once again she went to her mother, who was resting by the riverside. "Mother," she said, "who am I, that I may converse with the spirits of the forest?"

And at this her mother knew she was ready, and picked up her knife and hammer. "Come with me," she said, and took her daughter by the hand.

Deep into the woods they traveled, until they came to the venom tree, which overstretched the waters and from whose branches hung nuts as big and plump as a fist. Anaina placed the knife in a crack between the bark, and placed the hammer in her daughter's hands. With each strip of bark her daughter peeled from the tree, she spoke.

"I am Anaina, princess of Uruk, a kingdom now destroyed by warfare and famine."

"You are my daughter Aia, conceived through the nut of this tree."

"And this is your father, Marduk of the race of gods."

And as she spoke Aia tore back the bark, and after twelve years the tree finally shuddered and cracked open, and there emerged the god in all his radiance, brighter than the sun and more beautiful than the moon. And Anaina was struck by his radiance, and overwhelmed, and the soul fled her body, for few are they who can look full upon the countenance of a god and survive. And Marduk took up his daughter, who was as beautiful as he and had his eyes and his heart within him, and they grew feathers all along themselves and flew back up to the temple of the gods.

Marduk, in gratitude to his Anaina, who had born him his daughter and freed him from his bondage, raised up a great army in the forests of Uruk, which swept down and over the plains, burning all in its path and laying the kingdom to waste. The sun emperor was put to the sword, and his holy places over turned, and the books of his life were burned to keep warm their horses. And the kingdom of Kish was defeated and its rulers lost, forgotten to history.

And Aia rose up among the gods, a beautiful black bird with plumes like flames and rubies in her eyes. Between the worlds she flew, seeking the holy and the pure. To look upon her is to go blind, for she is brighter than the sun, but she purifies the soul. Those who look upon her without fear will be carried straight into heaven, and not face the trials of hell.