Welcome to Gaia! ::

For Shame! BLB! You are no longer allowed to hound me on FB scrabble until you have a decent poem of your own done! And I thought it had been ages since I wrote anything.
Unless - do you need challenge words to get you going, or is your current mood enough?

Re bottleshops: I know about the Aussie ones. I lived in Alice Springs for the last year. It always amused me that the only bottle shop open after 9 pm was the drive through one. My coworkers and I used to share taxi fare through the bottle shop drive through after work. Ahh, fond memories.

Now I need to wade through the entries and find one that hasn't been crit'd yet...
also, no work tomorrow! which means that I might finish a first draft to give ya'll.
sora wonk's avatar

Icy Rogue

bohemian_lover_boy
carl chicago
bohemian_lover_boy
carl chicago
lols I check back on this thread to find 'how to poop at work" featured prominently
rofl
i wonder if people are the only animals afraid of their own bodies


My dog used to fart and then sniff his butt and get this look on his face like "That couldn't have been me!"


I didn't know dogs fart. what next, birds? fish? dinosaurs?


Dog farts are awful, especially if you give them cheese! I guess they must be lactose intolerant... Cat farts are bad, too. And if you have either of these animals for pets, just know, they LOVE to fart on their people. xp

Shameless animals. And you can't fart on them or it's animal abuse. >.> they're devious.
bohemian_lover_boy's avatar

7,100 Points
  • Forum Sophomore 300
  • Elocutionist 200
  • Megathread 100
calviness
For Shame! BLB! You are no longer allowed to hound me on FB scrabble until you have a decent poem of your own done! And I thought it had been ages since I wrote anything.
Unless - do you need challenge words to get you going, or is your current mood enough?

Re bottleshops: I know about the Aussie ones. I lived in Alice Springs for the last year. It always amused me that the only bottle shop open after 9 pm was the drive through one. My coworkers and I used to share taxi fare through the bottle shop drive through after work. Ahh, fond memories.

Now I need to wade through the entries and find one that hasn't been crit'd yet...
also, no work tomorrow! which means that I might finish a first draft to give ya'll.


gonk I tried.... all I got was what I wanted to end with:



I'll keep your
brain in a jar, so I can
lick it.


I do need to start trying to write something to put in Dakk's wedding card, though..... whee
bohemian_lover_boy

I'll keep your
brain in a jar, so I can
lick it.


I do need to start trying to write something to put in Dakk's wedding card, though..... whee

well, I think you've got a good start here. Although I might put this in the middle, since it seems to be jumping to the "after the honeymoon" stage here... wink

but, if you would like some challenge words of your own - I give unto you: arghool, widow inheritance, and frowsiness

Also, if I can focus, I'll be crit'ing Carl Chicago's entry here.
bohemian_lover_boy's avatar

7,100 Points
  • Forum Sophomore 300
  • Elocutionist 200
  • Megathread 100
calviness
bohemian_lover_boy

I'll keep your
brain in a jar, so I can
lick it.


I do need to start trying to write something to put in Dakk's wedding card, though..... whee

well, I think you've got a good start here. Although I might put this in the middle, since it seems to be jumping to the "after the honeymoon" stage here... wink

but, if you would like some challenge words of your own - I give unto you: arghool, widow inheritance, and frowsiness

Also, if I can focus, I'll be crit'ing Carl Chicago's entry here.


Ha, that's actually more of what I'd like to do to Zero & Hoodi..... think they'd bequeath their craniums to me?

And ACK! Do I have to adhere to the rest of the rules for this Round, too? xp
bohemian_lover_boy

Ha, that's actually more of what I'd like to do to Zero & Hoodi..... think they'd bequeath their craniums to me?

And ACK! Do I have to adhere to the rest of the rules for this Round, too? xp

If you can catch Zero, I'll help you capture his cranium. As to Hoodi - I think that he could be persuaded.

But of course! That's the whole point of the challenge, isn't it?
bohemian_lover_boy's avatar

7,100 Points
  • Forum Sophomore 300
  • Elocutionist 200
  • Megathread 100
calviness
bohemian_lover_boy

Ha, that's actually more of what I'd like to do to Zero & Hoodi..... think they'd bequeath their craniums to me?

And ACK! Do I have to adhere to the rest of the rules for this Round, too? xp

If you can catch Zero, I'll help you capture his cranium. As to Hoodi - I think that he could be persuaded.

But of course! That's the whole point of the challenge, isn't it?


Arg... I'm working on it........ has idea. xp Am reading some of my old stuff to get some better ideas (hopefully).

edit: here's an uber-challenge-- we both need to keep track of the words we play in Scrabble and make poems using them all together! pirate
bohemian_lover_boy's avatar

7,100 Points
  • Forum Sophomore 300
  • Elocutionist 200
  • Megathread 100
Reading my collective is depressing me-- I miss my peeps. emo
sora wonk's avatar

Icy Rogue

bohemian_lover_boy
Reading my collective is depressing me-- I miss my peeps. emo

User Image
The Love Mutt's avatar

6,750 Points
  • Citizen 200
  • First step to fame 200
  • Forum Sophomore 300
Calvi, could I steal you first? (or adi heart )

Definitely need some edits, but I got something out.

Topic: Epiphany
Metaphor: Gavel
Word: Diaphragm

(edits:2)

euthanasic epiphany

it's like they
always be tellin' me -
spacebreathe from your diaphragm,
spacenot through your nose -
so i wheezed my tune,
blowin' harder and harder
'til my face turned all sorts of
blues and heartbreaks
and the notes stopped
comin' out.

my lungs and my gut been
hatin' on the other,
bitchin', bossin',
beggin': hey!
you leave me outta this

so i walked on across that stage-
spaceand i petered,
spaceteetered, and
shut the hell up
as my aspirations be
assaultin' me over and over

until order,
*bang*
spaceorder in the court!

and life snaps together,
cuffin' me and
squeezin' my diaphragm up
into my heart.

behind them bars, they be
beatin' my breathin'
outta me but
now,
lord
do i belt it,
rockin' it straight from my gut.


original piece
euthanasic epiphany

it's like they
always be tellin' me -
spacebreathe from your diaphragm
spacenot through your nose
so i wheeze my tune
blowin' harder and harder
until my face turns all sorts of
blue, green and purple
and my notes stop comin'
out.

my lungs and my gut be
screamin' at the other
tellin' who to do who's job
and leave me outta this mess

then-
i walked on across that stage-
spaceand i petered
spacefaltered and burned.
audiences paid to see
dreams assault, kickin' me
over over over over over until

spaceorder in the court-
and it snaps together
cuffin' me in and squeezin'
diaphragm to heart.

behind them bars,
my breathin' fights to grow
but i belt it,
rockin' from my gut.


after calvi crit
euthanasic epiphany

it's like they
always be tellin' me -
spacebreathe from your diaphragm,
spacenot through your nose -
so i wheeze my tune,
blowin' harder and harder
'til my face turns all sorts of
blues and heartbreaks
and my notes stop
comin' out.

my lungs and my gut be
hatin' on the other,
bitchin', bossin', beggin':
hey, you leave me outta this

then-
i walked on across that stage-
spaceand i petered,
spaceteetered, and
shut the hell up.
audiences paid to see my dreams
assaultin' me over and over

until order,
*bang*
spaceorder in the court!

and life snaps together,
cuffin' me
and then squeezin' my diaphragm
up into heart.

behind them bars,
they be beatin' my breathin'
outta me but now, lord
can i belt it,
rockin' it straight from my gut.
I shall begin with: How do I not know you yet? Do I call you Carl? CC? This is what I get for hiding away in my familiar threads, I don’t ever get to meet the new cool kids.

carl chicago

Word Prompts:
Bereft: the topic of the poem
Alligator: used randomly
Perforate: metaphor

Bereft of Whore
(Another Sad Poem, I’m Afraid)

Lady alligator lips,
you’ve bitten out my teeth. The enamel
powder soothes your cramp. I dribble metal, damp.
My tongue catches on your cavities. Stiff (Although all of these images have to do with the mouth and teeth, some of them seem a little incongruous - particularly the pairing of lips with biting (which theoretically could work, it’s just a weird mental image), and the dribbling metal. If they are fillings, I would expect them to do anything but dribble - shatter, crunch, whatever. If it is to represent blood, I think there is probably a slightly better word to describe it.)
and wired, in the dark, I await your claw upon the stair. (However, this pairing with “stiff” enjambment above, is awesome.)
No more paper for your envelope, myself I perforate, I shred, I await
the scratch of your claw upon my
stair. (Why the repeat of this phrase? If you are picking one or the other, go with the first - it ties in better. Also, on that same note - the sudden turn to paper doesn’t really work. After the blood and mouth images, this one just seems a little stale.)
I ink your walls with crimson dribble— (I like the inking, but I would go for the metal dribbling, over crimson. Also, inking walls seems more sturdy and connected to the rest of the piece than inking paper.)
Metal. (I definitely wouldn’t put this word on it’s own line. It creates a focus on a word that isn’t really tied into anything more than that single line above. I also feel that it has the same out of place feeling here, that it does above, but I couldn’t tell you why.)
Lady, see the letters I have inked and tore.
Alligator, won’t you come in,
you whore? (These last two lines really don’t do anything for me. They add a particular overarching rhythmic effect through the stanza, but other than that, they flop)

That’s not funny, see what I’ve left, the veiled gray view illuminate, (This might be grammatical issues (which I am bad at) - but I think that “illuminates” with no comma might read better. Otherwise I get totally lost - the first half of the sentence seems to bring only voice, while the second half gives me a half-formed image that is instantly replaced by a solid one. Tying this half-formed image with the sentence after, however, would make it feel more like the half-formed image was solidifying into something tangible.)
my shadowed hand, a steel-tipped pen—
Watch them shake. My neck (I know that “them” is grammatically correct, but because both the hand and the pen are singular, separated out by commas like that, I keep reading the pen as a metaphor for the hand (or vice versa). I would either replace the comma with “and” (which would throw off the rhythm tragically), or “, a” with “grips” or somesuch verb - again, tying it together as two separate objects.)
once set in your tenderizer clamp, droops, Dis-
Con-(You Are)- (I know that Con is supposed to be playing off the “thief” idea - but we either need the thief to be introduced before this line, or lose it. Technically, I would pull Con up to pair with Dis - and keep the fantastic pairing of “you are/so late” without the grammatical awkwardness of “I am” following “so late”)
So-Late—(I am). You thief, gone you’ve left my evenings (This sentence is awkward enough that it draws attention to itself. Try finding a way to rewrite it that doesn’t skew the sentence around in weird ways. It could also be a comma problem, I suppose. The simplest solution I can find would be to drop the first “You”, and instead have the line read: “Thief, you’ve gone and left my evenings...” - Something like that.)
cheap. I trace “Dear Love, Dear, Dear, Love,
Again,” And Again you refuse to mark my space. (Normally I would hate the dear dear bit - but somehow using again in the following sentence redeems it. I wouldn’t capitalize the second “again” though. Also, “mark my space” feels like it should give me a better visual, but it doesn’t.)
How am I to lie and sleep?
My brain, you’ve left hanging on a perforated stem. How
am I to sleep again? (Of all the uses of perforated in this piece, this is definitely the strongest. (if you are going to use it as a word in the poem, rather than just a metaphor))

Alligator, Lady, Whore, You Thief,
I taste your gun between my teeth. (Although neither of these lines seem particularly great, that pseudo rhyme really hits perfect.)
Come in, come in, come in
quickly, do. It riddles me with holes, strong-jawed, prickly, you.
Lady, Thief, Alligator, Whore— (this hole stanza seems... perforated. Lots of disconnected images, that we have no ties between. Maybe perforated to the point that it has been shredded... Just tying a few of these images together would help to make it seem more consistent.)
remember this room we filled before? Your footsteps mock the boards, (I love this line, especially contrasting to the rest of the stanza. It’s so - whole.)
harden, set eyes to them, they moan, (Remember?)
—I remember— your:

“‘His blood he’d give to paint my lips
if I wished them red’”


You swore— (I am ambivalent about this quotey bit. On the one hand, painting the lips ties in beautifully, and with this piece feeling so disconnected, I would hate to lose any piece that fits well. But, on the other hand, it is probably the only part of this poem where the rhythm of it seems to falter.)
I scorn. Punctured, I leak from every corkscrewed pore. This scarlet ink spurts
my nerves sing sore, I lie, I write dissent
upon the floor. (pretty, but suffering from a lot of the problems of the earlier stanza. We have a lot of disconnected images, that don’t really build together to create something stronger. However, I would actually keep the “write dissent/upon the floor” if only because... well, it is needed to give that last line the kick that it has.)
Your work is not wasted; yet, you’ll taste it: (you lose me here. Maybe “you’ll taste it yet”? Since it isn’t wasted, it seems obvious that they’ll taste it, making the “yet” superfluous unless it is referring to time.”
(READ):

My dissent dries black upon the floor. (Like I already said, I like this line.)

(I have a feeling that there was supposed to be a pattern to the repeating images/words, but it just made me feel like I was trapped in some sort of cycle. You play with some great variations on phrases with it, and you are able to create a very continuous, flowing sound - but it kind of drove me crazy. I would definitely look at some of your repetitions and see if they are really necessary. If they aren’t building up to a greater picture, drop them.
That aside, this piece is beautiful. I read it aloud ... a lot more than I probably should have. You build up almost a sing-song aspect with all that internal rhyme, assonance, etc. Your cadence is dead on. It really is a delight to hear it, as well as read it.
But, don’t let that get you carried away from the other aspects. (like imagery, and meaning.) This piece could probably be halved, and not lose any of the imagery or meaning - which means that that is a LOT of words going to sound effect. I know you are hesitant about the piece, but I think that you have got a lot of good stuff working in here - now it’s just a matter of paring out all that excess so that each lines is building toward that climactic end. If you decide to keep with this one and revise it, I look forward to seeing it finished. (and reading it aloud finished.... I’m geeky like that.))

BLB, I've never done a real collab before, but for scrabble craziness, I would totally try. It would be an epic-ly huge poem though...

The Love Mutt
Calvi, could I steal you first? (or adi heart )

Or, seeing as I am feeling all critty, I could PM you a crit, and let someone else (or Adi wink ) crit you later.
bohemian_lover_boy's avatar

7,100 Points
  • Forum Sophomore 300
  • Elocutionist 200
  • Megathread 100
ha, I am posting poems from my collective that I really enjoy in my FB notes so that everyone knows I'm effed. mrgreen
bohemian_lover_boy's avatar

7,100 Points
  • Forum Sophomore 300
  • Elocutionist 200
  • Megathread 100
carl chicago
bohemian_lover_boy
Reading my collective is depressing me-- I miss my peeps. emo

User Image


doesn't even start to cover it..... emo
The Love Mutt's avatar

6,750 Points
  • Citizen 200
  • First step to fame 200
  • Forum Sophomore 300
calviness
BLB, I've never done a real collab before, but for scrabble craziness, I would totally try. It would be an epic-ly huge poem though...

The Love Mutt
Calvi, could I steal you first? (or adi heart )

Or, seeing as I am feeling all critty, I could PM you a crit, and let someone else (or Adi wink ) crit you later.


Have I mentioned that you're awesome? heart

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get Items
Get Gaia Cash
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games