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Do You Know Me?

That would be a "No." 0.4018691588785 40.2% [ 43 ]
Of course! We're BFFs! 0.046728971962617 4.7% [ 5 ]
Who really knows Anyone? 0.28971962616822 29.0% [ 31 ]
Gold? 0.26168224299065 26.2% [ 28 ]
Total Votes:[ 107 ]
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The Solarised Night's avatar

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jaded_peacock
The Solarised Night
NO WING; YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED twisted

So I started something but I'm not sure how to finish it. It is really drafty and needs a lot of work so why doesn't someone take a stab at it and make some suggestions?


Virtual Obsession
With excess freedom comes an endless void. Sometimes the absence is only temporary; other times it can manifest into a fixed state. We are slaves of habit, and thus when the purpose of our ritualistic ways is lost, we must adapt another.

For me, it was the internet. It served to fill the developing cracks in my lifestyle by allowing me to explore and connect with the world far beyond my own. I embraced this method of entertainment and communication willingly. It no longer mattered that I was in a small, desolate town; I always had someone to talk to online.

In the schoolyard, I was the prey of countless students. Threatening glares pierced my flesh where ever I walked; there was nowhere to escape from the torment. The same cluster of boys would stalk me to all my classes, and breathe derogatory threats in my ear. The longer I pretended to be oblivious, the more fiercely they pushed. When online, I always had an escape. If someone became vicious or cruel, I could simply hit those handy little buttons: block and delete. I never had to carry a knife in my purse in this fantasy world. No one could hurt me here.

Before long, the glaring white screen became of paramount importance. I never wanted to leave my pixelated friends; they were the only ones who cared about me. My whole life became absorbed into the omnipresent monitor, and I no longer cared about my physical form. All that mattered was that my avatar looked perfect.

I’d click away at the keys long into to the night, until I could no longer decipher meaning from the blurred walls of text. Often, in bed, I stared at the ceiling and watched the aftermath like a strobing rave. The screen burnt patterns into my retinas; they flickered behind my eyelids for hours before I could sleep. It seemed normal to me.

The more days that passed, the more became numb and unconscious to the real world. My eyes remained open, but they did not see; I didn’t register the full extent of my surroundings. My hand was programmed to move the mouse back and forth. The reflex to collect falling gold on a virtual game is hardwired into my mind, yet my lips had forgotten how to smile. When did illusion become stronger than reality?

I became so absorbed into this new life, that I lost touch with what it meant to live. I forgot the importance of eating, and that of sleep. Sometimes I forgot to shower, or to brush my teeth.
“What’s the point?” I’d ask myself, “I am isolated and alone; no one is going to see that I haven’t shaved my legs in weeks.”

One day while typing to a friend, I jolted back to consciousness. My head throbbed like a hang over after a bad binge. The sight of the computer made me feel ill; I couldn’t stand it anymore. I stood up, and walked away; my legs felt like rubber, as they tried to reacquaint themselves with motion.

As I walked over to the full length mirror, it reflected something unrecognisable. My waistline crept up a size, my clothes were littered across the floor, and the dishes were piled high. I was dumb-struck like a stunned mullet plucked from the sea. I struggled to process the information.
“What the hell has happened to me?”

I turned to the dishes. Flecks of butter chicken were caked along the surface of the bottom bowl; I didn’t remember eating that.
“Am I so removed from reality that I don’t even remember what I ate last night?” I asked with a frown. I quickly scrambled for my phone. My question was answered by a glance at the date and time.
Where did two months go?


I'm not gonna go all-out critiquing here, because I'm sleep and it's a WIP, but I like the subject matter. Internet obsession is a very real thing that takes over a lot of people's lives, but no one ever wants to talk about it.

My big thing right now is this idea of schoolyard bullies. My old fiction professor used to tell me, "If there's a gun over the mantel in Scene 1, it has to go off by the end of the show." These bullies are your gun. Why are they harassing this character? You use the word "derogatory", which insinuates some level of discrimination. Is this character an ethnic minority? Overweight? Gay? These bullies need to come back into this story and go off, so to speak. They need to resolve themselves before your story can resolve itself.


Alright, love. That's a good idea. I'll work them back in at the end. Maybe the persona confronts them instead of trying to escape into the online world. I hadn't really thought about why the bullies were targeting this person. I've seen bullying occur with very little reason for doing so. A reason might strengthen that point a bit. I could add something in such as "On the internet, they can't see that I am -insert reason for discrimination here-"
The Solarised Night's avatar

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johnidiotsmith
How do you join? If all i have to do is say that im joining, on this thread, then i guess im joining. If there is some other way im supposed to join then would someone please tell me?? otherwise im just going to enter my work. Help is great, thanks!

you just post your entry.
Oh, awesome! I'll totally join this! biggrin I haven't gotten in-depth critique in a while. And I haven't been writing much so I look forward to sharpening up. biggrin
The Solarised Night
Wing McCallister
calviness
Squee! New entries! New Critiques! It's so... beautiful!

Wing McCallister
The fact that a contest that accepts anything has been dubbed a 'Wing McCallister style' contest, though, is highly amusing. lol

We ALL bow to your wisdom, oh master of contests... wink
What wisdom? I just host a contest and people enter. It's still flattering though.

You wear a bear-suit; of course you're going to be worshipped.
LOL Fluff with claws for the win! razz
The Solarised Night's avatar

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AutumnThe-Nerdy-Ninja
Oh, awesome! I'll totally join this! biggrin I haven't gotten in-depth critique in a while. And I haven't been writing much so I look forward to sharpening up. biggrin

Good luck
There's a princess in a tower. But just wait. This isn't your typical fairy tale. Our princess's tower isn't one of stone guarded by a dragon. Rather, it is a tower that she built herself out of thousands of blocks of ivory. As to the guard? For this princess, only her own insecurities. They are positioned around the entire tower to keep everyone away from their princess. After all, they might hurt her.

Her sanctuary is the tower. Here she can hide; here, no one can harm her. Her only companions are her writings. Pure white sheets of paper with jet black ink, so much safer than the gray of the outside world. Not even her guards are allowed to gaze at these. If the eyes of anyone but their princess were to even glance at them, they would surely burst into flames.

A storm rages outside the tower. Lightning crackles and thunder rumbles in the distance. The princess doubles her guards and huddles in a dark corner of her tower. She is safe inside. The storm cannot hurt her. She repeats this to herself over and over as she clutches her sheaf of papers to her chest.

The storm comes closer to the tower. It ravages all of the surrounding countryside, laying waste to the farms, houses, schools, and hospitals. The clouds gather even closer. Lightning strikes the tower, reducing it to nothing but rubble. The guards are all dead. Only the princess and her writings are left.

The princess picks herself up from the ruins of her ivory tower, leaving the dead bodies of her guards behind, her head held high.
madametrixie
There's a princess in a tower. But just wait. This isn't your typical fairy tale. Our princess's tower isn't one of stone guarded by a dragon. Rather, it is a tower that she built herself out of thousands of blocks of ivory. As to the guard? For this princess, only her own insecurities. They are positioned around the entire tower to keep everyone away from their princess. After all, they might hurt her.

Her sanctuary is the tower. Here she can hide; here, no one can harm her. Her only companions are her writings. Pure white sheets of paper with jet black ink, so much safer than the gray of the outside world. Not even her guards are allowed to gaze at these. If the eyes of anyone but their princess were to even glance at them, they would surely burst into flames.

A storm rages outside the tower. Lightning crackles and thunder rumbles in the distance. The princess doubles her guards and huddles in a dark corner of her tower. She is safe inside. The storm cannot hurt her. She repeats this to herself over and over as she clutches her sheaf of papers to her chest.

The storm comes closer to the tower. It ravages all of the surrounding countryside, laying waste to the farms, houses, schools, and hospitals. The clouds gather even closer. Lightning strikes the tower, reducing it to nothing but rubble. The guards are all dead. Only the princess and her writings are left.

The princess picks herself up from the ruins of her ivory tower, leaving the dead bodies of her guards behind, her head held high.

You have some flaws in this story. I may be incorrect about some of these but this is my understanding. I don't believe "But just wait." is an actual sentence, and I believe if it was a sentence there would be a comma between "But" and "just". Also "As to the guard. For this princess..." I would say "Her insecurities guard this tower." I would give it more detail like why do people who gaze at the sheet burst into flames.
It's an interesting concept but I would've written it differently.

Did I did good you guys D: ?
Bait-kun
madametrixie
There's a princess in a tower. But just wait. This isn't your typical fairy tale. Our princess's tower isn't one of stone guarded by a dragon. Rather, it is a tower that she built herself out of thousands of blocks of ivory. As to the guard? For this princess, only her own insecurities. They are positioned around the entire tower to keep everyone away from their princess. After all, they might hurt her.

Her sanctuary is the tower. Here she can hide; here, no one can harm her. Her only companions are her writings. Pure white sheets of paper with jet black ink, so much safer than the gray of the outside world. Not even her guards are allowed to gaze at these. If the eyes of anyone but their princess were to even glance at them, they would surely burst into flames.

A storm rages outside the tower. Lightning crackles and thunder rumbles in the distance. The princess doubles her guards and huddles in a dark corner of her tower. She is safe inside. The storm cannot hurt her. She repeats this to herself over and over as she clutches her sheaf of papers to her chest.

The storm comes closer to the tower. It ravages all of the surrounding countryside, laying waste to the farms, houses, schools, and hospitals. The clouds gather even closer. Lightning strikes the tower, reducing it to nothing but rubble. The guards are all dead. Only the princess and her writings are left.

The princess picks herself up from the ruins of her ivory tower, leaving the dead bodies of her guards behind, her head held high.

You have some flaws in this story. I may be incorrect about some of these but this is my understanding. I don't believe "But just wait." is an actual sentence, and I believe if it was a sentence there would be a comma between "But" and "just". Also "As to the guard. For this princess..." I would say "Her insecurities guard this tower." I would give it more detail like why do people who gaze at the sheet burst into flames.
It's an interesting concept but I would've written it differently.

Did I did good you guys D confused

I see what you mean. And I guess I do need more detail about the busting into flames...
madametrixie
Bait-kun
madametrixie
There's a princess in a tower. But just wait. This isn't your typical fairy tale. Our princess's tower isn't one of stone guarded by a dragon. Rather, it is a tower that she built herself out of thousands of blocks of ivory. As to the guard? For this princess, only her own insecurities. They are positioned around the entire tower to keep everyone away from their princess. After all, they might hurt her.

Her sanctuary is the tower. Here she can hide; here, no one can harm her. Her only companions are her writings. Pure white sheets of paper with jet black ink, so much safer than the gray of the outside world. Not even her guards are allowed to gaze at these. If the eyes of anyone but their princess were to even glance at them, they would surely burst into flames.

A storm rages outside the tower. Lightning crackles and thunder rumbles in the distance. The princess doubles her guards and huddles in a dark corner of her tower. She is safe inside. The storm cannot hurt her. She repeats this to herself over and over as she clutches her sheaf of papers to her chest.

The storm comes closer to the tower. It ravages all of the surrounding countryside, laying waste to the farms, houses, schools, and hospitals. The clouds gather even closer. Lightning strikes the tower, reducing it to nothing but rubble. The guards are all dead. Only the princess and her writings are left.

The princess picks herself up from the ruins of her ivory tower, leaving the dead bodies of her guards behind, her head held high.

You have some flaws in this story. I may be incorrect about some of these but this is my understanding. I don't believe "But just wait." is an actual sentence, and I believe if it was a sentence there would be a comma between "But" and "just". Also "As to the guard. For this princess..." I would say "Her insecurities guard this tower." I would give it more detail like why do people who gaze at the sheet burst into flames.
It's an interesting concept but I would've written it differently.

Did I did good you guys D confused

I see what you mean. And I guess I do need more detail about the busting into flames...


Don't get discouraged though. I do like the concept.
The Solarised Night
jaded_peacock
The Solarised Night
NO WING; YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED twisted

So I started something but I'm not sure how to finish it. It is really drafty and needs a lot of work so why doesn't someone take a stab at it and make some suggestions?


Virtual Obsession
With excess freedom comes an endless void. Sometimes the absence is only temporary; other times it can manifest into a fixed state. We are slaves of habit, and thus when the purpose of our ritualistic ways is lost, we must adapt another.

For me, it was the internet. It served to fill the developing cracks in my lifestyle by allowing me to explore and connect with the world far beyond my own. I embraced this method of entertainment and communication willingly. It no longer mattered that I was in a small, desolate town; I always had someone to talk to online.

In the schoolyard, I was the prey of countless students. Threatening glares pierced my flesh where ever I walked; there was nowhere to escape from the torment. The same cluster of boys would stalk me to all my classes, and breathe derogatory threats in my ear. The longer I pretended to be oblivious, the more fiercely they pushed. When online, I always had an escape. If someone became vicious or cruel, I could simply hit those handy little buttons: block and delete. I never had to carry a knife in my purse in this fantasy world. No one could hurt me here.

Before long, the glaring white screen became of paramount importance. I never wanted to leave my pixelated friends; they were the only ones who cared about me. My whole life became absorbed into the omnipresent monitor, and I no longer cared about my physical form. All that mattered was that my avatar looked perfect.

I’d click away at the keys long into to the night, until I could no longer decipher meaning from the blurred walls of text. Often, in bed, I stared at the ceiling and watched the aftermath like a strobing rave. The screen burnt patterns into my retinas; they flickered behind my eyelids for hours before I could sleep. It seemed normal to me.

The more days that passed, the more became numb and unconscious to the real world. My eyes remained open, but they did not see; I didn’t register the full extent of my surroundings. My hand was programmed to move the mouse back and forth. The reflex to collect falling gold on a virtual game is hardwired into my mind, yet my lips had forgotten how to smile. When did illusion become stronger than reality?

I became so absorbed into this new life, that I lost touch with what it meant to live. I forgot the importance of eating, and that of sleep. Sometimes I forgot to shower, or to brush my teeth.
“What’s the point?” I’d ask myself, “I am isolated and alone; no one is going to see that I haven’t shaved my legs in weeks.”

One day while typing to a friend, I jolted back to consciousness. My head throbbed like a hang over after a bad binge. The sight of the computer made me feel ill; I couldn’t stand it anymore. I stood up, and walked away; my legs felt like rubber, as they tried to reacquaint themselves with motion.

As I walked over to the full length mirror, it reflected something unrecognisable. My waistline crept up a size, my clothes were littered across the floor, and the dishes were piled high. I was dumb-struck like a stunned mullet plucked from the sea. I struggled to process the information.
“What the hell has happened to me?”

I turned to the dishes. Flecks of butter chicken were caked along the surface of the bottom bowl; I didn’t remember eating that.
“Am I so removed from reality that I don’t even remember what I ate last night?” I asked with a frown. I quickly scrambled for my phone. My question was answered by a glance at the date and time.
Where did two months go?


I'm not gonna go all-out critiquing here, because I'm sleep and it's a WIP, but I like the subject matter. Internet obsession is a very real thing that takes over a lot of people's lives, but no one ever wants to talk about it.

My big thing right now is this idea of schoolyard bullies. My old fiction professor used to tell me, "If there's a gun over the mantel in Scene 1, it has to go off by the end of the show." These bullies are your gun. Why are they harassing this character? You use the word "derogatory", which insinuates some level of discrimination. Is this character an ethnic minority? Overweight? Gay? These bullies need to come back into this story and go off, so to speak. They need to resolve themselves before your story can resolve itself.


Alright, love. That's a good idea. I'll work them back in at the end. Maybe the persona confronts them instead of trying to escape into the online world. I hadn't really thought about why the bullies were targeting this person. I've seen bullying occur with very little reason for doing so. A reason might strengthen that point a bit. I could add something in such as "On the internet, they can't see that I am -insert reason for discrimination here-"


That would be an excellent start. It's one those rules that's kind of annoying, but it really helps round out stories.
The Solarised Night
AutumnThe-Nerdy-Ninja
Oh, awesome! I'll totally join this! biggrin I haven't gotten in-depth critique in a while. And I haven't been writing much so I look forward to sharpening up. biggrin

Good luck


Thank you! biggrin
i just wanted to hold you once more
so i raced out the door

ran to where you still lay
and i whispered in your ear

in my heart your here to stay
and day and night i will pray
that we will see each other again someday

whether during the day
whether in the middle of the night i will
think of you all the time
Wing - You know that our affectionate fear is what you were going for all along - don't deny it.

Sol - Thank you!
johnidiotsmith
How do you join? If all i have to do is say that im joining, on this thread, then i guess im joining. If there is some other way im supposed to join then would someone please tell me?? otherwise im just going to enter my work. Help is great, thanks!

Yup, all you have to do is post!

Bait-kun
critcritcrit

This is a great improvement! Keep up the good work.

I will update the entries list later tonight guys. Things are a bit busy.
The Solarised Night's avatar

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AngelHanten1
i just wanted to hold you once more
so i raced out the door

ran to where you still lay
and i whispered in your ear

in my heart your here to stay
and day and night i will pray
that we will see each other again someday

whether during the day
whether in the middle of the night i will
think of you all the time

If you establish a rhyming scheme, you need to stick to it the whole way through. The moment you broke the rhymes with "ear," the poem became very weak. I think you also need guiding punctuation right throughout the poem. This has no commas or periods, so it just looks like one ridiculously long sentence.

Syllable count means a lot in poems; it is how the rhythm and pace are set. You should revise your syllable count because it is all over the place.

There is a big difference between 'your' and 'you're'
YOUR = possessive. You own it
YOU'RE = you are.

Finally, your subject matter is sloppy. The poem is filled with stale clichés and does nothing in terms of character development or plot. You begin with a persona running out a door to embrace his/her lover but you trail off into sappy pick-up lines on par with those found on hallmark cards and heart candies. More emphasis on why the lover is leaving, and on the characterisation would do this piece a world of good. Looking at this, I don't see anything original or unique that I could instantly identify as your work. Anyone could write something like this. You need to try and express yourself in a way that is uniquely your style.

Looking through a thesaurus and thinking deeper about the message you are trying to send will help.
The Solarised Night's avatar

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I wish I could find something better to write about but I have mega writers block.

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