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Do You Know Me?

That would be a "No." 0.4018691588785 40.2% [ 43 ]
Of course! We're BFFs! 0.046728971962617 4.7% [ 5 ]
Who really knows Anyone? 0.28971962616822 29.0% [ 31 ]
Gold? 0.26168224299065 26.2% [ 28 ]
Total Votes:[ 107 ]
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Alright - judging begins now! However, as has already been noted - there are a couple of people who never received critiques. So - we have a rule exception.

Judging and critiquing all the pieces is going to take me awhile - I will judge the ones who have yet to receive crit LAST. They will have around a week and a half to make edits and changes. If anyone would like to be kind and critique them - there will be a special bonus for it. That includes you moonbird67 and Starry Starry Fright for the crits you did yesterday.

Thanks for participating everyone!
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Bysshe Shelley Keats
The Bogey Man's Disease


I am not the best at critiques, but here we go:
(first time giving one to a story o: )



I like how it feels like the character is speaking to me directly; I can imagine him sitting in front of me and telling me this tale.
Though what is a little hard, when you write like that, is that you choose for me.
For example here: (I know he is speaking to Andrew (which was a bit late of a detail))

Oh! You hate me too? Well, that's all right. More of a reason for me to talk.

Right then, I have no feelings for the character, no hate or like;
so you are basically just making me hate them, whereas I actually dont.


You want to know how I tortured them? Oh, you want to know how I chose them?

There you give me two questions; and honestly, I am interested in the first,
but you choose to only answer the second question, which leaves me disappointed.
You do hint the answer to the first question; but you don't describe it well, its just there.
This could have held a nice little impact of the story, showing just how cruel he is.

You know, keep looking at me like that and you're face might stick that way. Not that I mind.

Again with the forcing me into an emtion, or similar. What if I like what he is doing?
What if I actually am enjoying the tale he is telling? This is why it's hard to write this way.
Because, like said, I am forced into questions I don't want answered and emotions.
(I know he is speaking to andrew; but by the time you mentioned that I kept thinking he
was speaking to me, which made me feel forced into a situation.)


This entire story is like a one sided conversation. I do not know who this Andrew is; you introduced it late that your character is actually speaking to someone. I do not know what exactly his reactions are or if he really is feeling like the Boogie man says. Because you do not describe him or show him. He just seems there, there seems no real purpose to him; in my opinion. I don't feel the terror I should be feeling about this man; he keeps bragging about how much of a monster he is, but I don't really get to see/hear much of it. He just keeps saying it. If there had been a little more detail about his crimes and torture and kidnapping, this would have been much better. But there was not much gore, none really, which makes me doubt he really is as bad as he says. I liked the concept of this story, I liked where it was heading, but I dislike the lack of detail and gore; the lack of feeling that this man really is a monster.

I hope this helped ><
moonbird67's avatar

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If I have time, I will critique a few more tonight.
Yutora's avatar

Gracious Stalker

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NoSenseNonSense


I am goign to critique your piece now, dear (:
O.o Huh? Oh! I thought that we were closed off from critiquing. Lol, woops my bad and thank you for the reminder. xD
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NoSenseNonSense
A Knight's Resolve


(( I dont care how often I said this to others, lol, I am new to giving critiques;
so I am rather unsure how to do it, but I do hope it helps. ))

First off: Wall Text.
Worse idea ever, dear. You really need to break this into paragraphs. I was so thrown off by it, that I actually did not want to read it; but I did anyway. So for next time, keep in mind to have some space between paragraphs. It is pleasant for the eyes and easier to read. As for now I had to fight my way through it, only because it just seemed like a wall of text thrown at me.


So you start of the story with fragments; usually not the best option, especially with that many right behind each other -- though here it does make sense as to why you are using them. Did you mean to switch the tense? I am talking about the beginning; not that it bothered me, I am just curious -- though after that there a tiny little parts where you switched the tense again as well. Also, I quite enjoy your choice of words.

"She stroked my cheek with tenderness so gentle you could’ve thought that I was dust."
There is something about that sentence that strikes me as weird; I believe it's the 'you could've thought'. I don't think its incorrect, but to me the could've just reads weird. It's probably only me. I absolutely loved this line; "A tear trickled over her cheeks and then it turned into the Niagara the next moment. Her ribs rattled under the watery release and her bones echoed with the same freedom. "

I must admit I did get constantly confused by "It was a young lady about the same age as the child." You mention that Farrah is about the same age as Nerine, but then you keep reffering to her as 'the woman' which constantly makes me think she is older and you also keep reffering to Nerine as 'the child'. I keep thinking you are contradicting yourself. So are they the same age or not? If so, why call one woman and the other child? It just confuses me.


Overall I enjoyed the concept of this story; it was quite unique and interesting. I still would have loved to know more about the place, the fighting, the training. More details about it would have pleased me to no end; but it is fine as it is.

This probably didn't help in anyway. But I did enjoy the story, thank you for the nice read.
Yutora's avatar

Gracious Stalker

14,800 Points
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NoSenseNonSense
O.o Huh? Oh! I thought that we were closed off from critiquing. Lol, woops my bad and thank you for the reminder. xD


The ones without a critique need one. Since it was part of the rule.
moonbird67
xVoldie
The Light


I was so confused about what was going on until the very end. And even now, I am questioning myself. I might be reading this entirely wrong, but to me that cave is purgatory and the light is heaven. Not sure at all.

However, my general confusion should not hinder my ability to give a few suggestions. I am going to list the thing(s) that could have been better and then all the good things, ok?

First off, I would like to see you try writing more imagery. I could never imagine exactly where the main character was, what she looked like, her situation, or anything but her thoughts and feelings. Those are good to have, yes, but without the symbolic (or just added detail) of imagery, they can mean very little and can be hard to get hooked with.

The second thing is this: when you started talking about the son, I honestly believed you began writing a new story, or copied and pasted the wrong thing. The transition was so sudden that is had me completely lost. When you transition into a huge plotline as this, you must bridge it. Multple things can do this: a connecting paragraph between the two ideas of the cave and the son; bring him into the story slowly, mention him before and have her thoughts be drawn back by the outside situation - again slowly, or mention it in the passing. For this story, I would recommend using the second option.

I would have liked to see more action or suspence - something the readers can grab onto and that would keep them interested throughout the entire thing.

What I liked:
If I managed to understand it correctly, I did like the metaphorical meanings of everything.
I liked the deep insight into your character's head.
I am a huge fan of the rhetorical questions you added. Something about that literary device just makes me smile smile
Overall, not bad. The transitions would be the major concern, but this isn't a bad piece of writing at all. Good job.


I really appreciate this crit.

For the first point, thank you very much for pointing that out, and I'll definitely try to integrate that into it. Characterization has always been most important to me - that's my little explanation as to why it's like that I suppose - but I don't want my story to lack anywhere.

For the second point... Right at the beginning, the first lines, the narrator refers to something happening to someone else, which is later revealed to be the son. Is that not a transition? Is there still more that needs to be done? To be honest, the shift was kind of for dramatic effect, but I don't want anyone to be confused by it. I'm just asking.

Thank you for your critical eye. It means a lot to me. I'll begin editing quite soon.
Yutora
Worse idea ever, dear. You really need to break this into paragraphs. I was so thrown off by it, that I actually did not want to read it; but I did anyway. So for next time, keep in mind to have some space between paragraphs. It is pleasant for the eyes and easier to read. As for now I had to fight my way through it, only because it just seemed like a wall of text thrown at me.

So you start of the story with fragments; usually not the best option, especially with that many right behind each other -- though here it does make sense as to why you are using them. Did you mean to switch the tense? I am talking about the beginning; not that it bothered me, I am just curious -- though after that there a tiny little parts where you switched the tense again as well. Also, I quite enjoy your choice of words.
Oh no! This is immensely helpful. ^^" I'm sorry about the wall of text. I think that there were a few reasons behind it, but I'll just keep in mind to liberally use as much space as needed. That, or I could just have it in a smaller font.

For the fragments. Lol, in all honesty I was at a lost as to how to start it. I probably started this as a free-write and just went down from there (gah, I can't remember how I wrote this anymore). A more off-the-cuff and the ah-that-sounds-okay-enough type of thing. I'm glad that it fits at least moderately a-okay! I'll find a better way to start it off! Huzzah!

Switching tenses has been one of the most thing that grates my eyes (especially when I do it!) Thank you for catching that, but I'm quite happy that it didn't bother you as much as it bothered me when I gave this another read.

Yutora
"She stroked my cheek with tenderness so gentle you could’ve thought that I was dust."
There is something about that sentence that strikes me as weird; I believe it's the 'you could've thought'. I don't think its incorrect, but to me the could've just reads weird. It's probably only me.
I actually think that "could've" is wrong... well, more like spell-checker is saying that it's wrong. Q.q I guess I shouldn't disregard spell-checker that often, hm? I also found out that the "you" was very out of place especially when I've been referring to "I" and "her." Thank you for calling attention to that =D

Yutora
I must admit I did get constantly confused by "It was a young lady about the same age as the child." You mention that Farrah is about the same age as Nerine, but then you keep reffering to her as 'the woman' which constantly makes me think she is older and you also keep reffering to Nerine as 'the child'. I keep thinking you are contradicting yourself. So are they the same age or not? If so, why call one woman and the other child? It just confuses me.
I think that the only reason why I kept switching with woman and child was the make a distinction between the two. Both of them are females and saying "she, she, she, she" would've been just as equally confusing. Hmm... I need to go back to the creative pronoun lab, dratz.

Lol, I'm sorry giving you a daunting first impression but, like I said earlier, this really did help me as I'm going to go back and revise this thing. Everyone needs an extra pair of eyes, yes? ._. Though Mr. Potatohead probably has more than one set (Uh... o_o That just plopped itself there). The current setting is something that I truly love utilizing and is something that I use often when I have the opportunity to make a short story. So, I guess it's more or less a page in collection of stories. (In other words, I have trouble bringing everything to a closure. Lol!)

However, I'm thoroughly glad that you enjoyed it and took the time to point out many of the things gone awry. It makes my heart swell, kuku.
man i wonder who'll win, there are so many entries......
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Gracious Stalker

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NoSenseNonSense


I am so glad it was helpful!

There was a reason behind it being a wall of text? Or do you mean something else?
Haha, I feel you on the fragments though; sometimes, it is a splendid way to get something started. It did add to the story, that's why it wasn't actually a problem.

To the tense switching now; I meant it didn't bother me the first time, because it kinda seemed like you did it on purpose and I felt like the Clock started telling a story, hence why it switched the tense. But the other times when I saw it, it did bother me a tad bit more. Switching tense is a huge problem I myself have, that's probably why I noticed. ><

Yes, it was better than saying "she, she, she" That would have been more confusing. But thank you for answering that question, now I know they really are the same age ^^
ATTENTION ALL ENTRANTS!

As I am organizing and working my way through the entries, it has come to my attention that there are a number of entrants who DID NOT critique their fellows. They have received a PM giving them a last chance. If they do not offer critiques before the 14th, they will be disqualified for failing to follow the rules. They will receive no critique from me - and will have to be happy with that offered by their more than capable peers. As promised, they will receive a token item in gratitude for their participation.

To the rest of you - thank you again for participating. I am very impressed with you all.
can someone tell me if they need critiquing? D: I can't find the people that still need it.
Inadvertent Angel Does - The third post on the first page has a list of people who didn't get crit'd in time. However, you are welcome to critique anyone that you would like to.
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mustachedbunny
can someone tell me if they need critiquing? D: I can't find the people that still need it.


You can critique a piece that has already received critique.

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