Welcome to Gaia! ::

Do You Know Me?

That would be a "No." 0.4018691588785 40.2% [ 43 ]
Of course! We're BFFs! 0.046728971962617 4.7% [ 5 ]
Who really knows Anyone? 0.28971962616822 29.0% [ 31 ]
Gold? 0.26168224299065 26.2% [ 28 ]
Total Votes:[ 107 ]
<< < 1 2 ... 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 ... 30 31 32 >
EDITED CRITIQUE
Icily Platinum
DruidTigeress
The Final Frontier


PART 1:
American Pie! Oh my, it took me so long to draw the connection until like halfway through the song did I realize: "I've heard this before..."

And then another quarter of the way thru did I think DON MCLEAN. Sorry, I'm not trying to take up space in this critique, xD, I know I just essentially took up two sentences...loll

Just kidding. I don't have any experience in critiquing but I have to say I love this song quite well.

While apart of me did think it was very clever to copy the rhythm from American Pie, I thought it was kind of disappointing?

I know, I know, it's hard to compose songs in and of itself, and I have surely never done so myself (except for partial rhythms that never really amounted to anything...) but I feel like you should either go all the way (as in write a song completely by yourself) or nothing at all? I'm sorry, I'm not trying to criticize you. It's just that whenever I listen to pop songs and I recognize a beat from past songs (such as Demi Levato "This Is Me" and Avril Lavigne's "Happy Ending" wink than I get a little heartbroken and disappointed.

That's just my standard for all songs so please don't take any offense by it. ^^

Of course I am impressed by your ability to change the lyrics the way you did and still find words that rhymed while keeping the beat. Kudos~!!

DruidTigeress


Okay. Thank you for your critique! ^_^

You might have missed the introductory post, but this was a parody song (think Weird Al), so copying the rhythm was intentional. More than that, I'd be interested to know what you thought of the content. Do you think it made sense? And what did you think of the tone?

I really appreciate your input!

PART 2
Aha, I did not see the intro post no.
Hmm, I've never heard of Weird Al to be honest.
*I ish very pathetic I know* I need to get out more, I live under a rock, yataya...I've heard it all before! wink

But this still demonstrates my point well I think, haha.

What if someone who had never seen this parody style of songs/poetry/fiction before? And just stumbled upon your well written -though uncannily familiar- prose and didn't see a disclaimer (like I hadn't because it wasn't in the "official" entry post) and assumed you were plagiarizing something? Eep. Not good.

I, of course, know that wasn't your intention.
My advice is to always include official disclaimers whenever doing pieces like this

(And yikes, I just spent like four paragraphs on that one little thing...) I suppose it really isn't that big of a deal, and of course you can just explain yourself after but still...

Haha. I'm just really persnickety. Sorry.

Now, as for the content...

I really liked it!

I think the beat flowed very well, as I've complimented you before. Not only that. I think you had a nice overall the concept very nice too "Mr Astronaut Guy" “Washington.” Classic Americana, right? I’m sure there’s a deeper subtext I’m missing (I was never good at literary analysis lol) but I was still able enjoy the piece overall.
DruidTigeress's avatar

Sparkly Genius

13,300 Points
  • Partygoer 500
  • Forum Sophomore 300
  • Protector of Cuteness 150
Icily Platinum
DruidTigeress
The Final Frontier


American Pie! Oh my, it took me so long to draw the connection until like halfway through the song did I realize: "I've heard this before..."

And then another quarter of the way thru did I think DON MCLEAN. Sorry, I'm not trying to take up space in this critique, xD, I know I just essentially took up two sentences...loll

Just kidding. I don't have any experience in critiquing but I have to say I love this song quite well.

While apart of me did think it was very clever to copy the rhythm from American Pie, I thought it was kind of disappointing?

I know, I know, it's hard to compose songs in and of itself, and I have surely never done so myself (except for partial rhythms that never really amounted to anything...) but I feel like you should either go all the way (as in write a song completely by yourself) or nothing at all? I'm sorry, I'm not trying to criticize you. It's just that whenever I listen to pop songs and I recognize a beat from past songs (such as Demi Levato "This Is Me" and Avril Lavigne's "Happy Ending" wink than I get a little heartbroken and disappointed.

That's just my standard for all songs so please don't take any offense by it. ^^

Of course I am impressed by your ability to change the lyrics the way you did and still find words that rhymed while keeping the beat. Kudos~!!


Okay. Thank you for your critique! ^_^

You might have missed the introductory post, but this was a parody song (think Weird Al), so copying the rhythm was intentional. More than that, I'd be interested to know what you thought of the content. Do you think it made sense? And what did you think of the tone?

I really appreciate your input!
Um, I really like the idea of critiques and improving on stories. I'd actually prefer that over any prize. That said... I know the story I wrote seems to be longer than most things posted here... But I would really appreciate any pointers that I could work on, so I can improve, not just for the sake of the contest, but in the future.

Thank you for your consideration. I swear it's an interesting piece.
Come on everybody! Get your crits in! There are still a few people who are in need of one - don't deprive your fellow contestants!

Otherwise, the front page should be updated! Good luck!
wow a lot of people never got critques, isn't it a requirement for the contest that you do it?
moonbird67's avatar

9,250 Points
  • Tycoon 200
  • Invisibility 100
  • Somebody Likes You 100
Starry Starry Fright
My Angel


All in all, it wasn't a bad poem. It flowed nicely. The only thing I can comment on is the rhyming. It depends on the readers taste, so please don't take this too badly.

Ryhming is a good technique, but in my mind, it makes the poem too simplified, too easily read. When I read poetry, I want to dig into the symbolism and find things that were meant to be searched for. When a poem rhymes, it is vastly limited tothese things as the author stretches themselves to fit just that one word. Understand? Rhyming limits creativity in a lot of senses and cases. There are exceptions, but it is always good to veer away from this structure and let thnigs flow out naturally.
moonbird67's avatar

9,250 Points
  • Tycoon 200
  • Invisibility 100
  • Somebody Likes You 100
Mokomonko
THE SLOW DESCENT



I am interested in why you chose to write this in present tense. It's not a bad thing, but most are used to seeing past tense (pulled, smiled, rung, instead of your pulls, smiles, rings).

Overall, the story lacks flow and transitions. I felt like nothing seemed to fit exactly right. For instance, when I read over your dialogue and what you attatched to it, it seemed like a too sudden, too aburpt, transition. I'm not saying add more words here to fix this, but perhaps find a better way of saying it, or not saying it at all. For example, you said:

"“Uh, yeah, I’m fine.” She stands up quickly, feeling the heat rush into her face. She wishes she still wore her hair down, like she had in high school, but it’s tied too tightly against her scalp; she has nothing to hide behind anymore."

Takling about her hair in high school makes no sense and completely threw me from the plot. Instead, try something like this:

"“Uh, yeah, I’m fine.” She stands up quickly, wishing her hair was unpinned so it would hide the hat rushing into her face from view.

Honestly, it wasn't a bad story, but too straight-forward for me. It was easy for my attention to wander and never seemed to pull me in. A way to fix this would be to have a field day with metaphors and similies and emotions. Go crazy, pull us in, make it relateable and as if it was happening in real life, not just a story to be told.

It wasn't awful by any means. It was a good start that can easily be built into something great.
Starry Starry Fright's avatar

Quotable Lunatic

7,550 Points
  • Citizen 200
  • Autobiographer 200
  • Signature Look 250
Mokomonko
THE SLOW DESCENT



I actually quite like this piece; I think the use of present tense, and the disjointed style of the piece really emphasize the main character being lost in her own consciousness. I'll give you a brief run-down of my main critiques.

1. I'm not sure why you chose to call the main character "Susan G" in the first sentence. Personally, I think that either giving her a full first name and surname or just sticking to her first name would have been more effective ways to introduce the character. "Susan G" makes it sound like you are trying to distinguish her from another character named Susan, which is not the case here.

2. There are a few very minor grammar and tense tweaks to be made here and there. For instance:

Quote:
She finally stumbles through the door, feeling defeated. She has never been good with talking to people, she’s never been good at doing anything really, and it’s always been hard for her to keep away the panic that always seemed to be building in her lungs.


Needs a semicolon between "... talking to people; she's never been good at..." And here:

Quote:
She buries her face in her hands, wondering if she had made a mistake, if her life had only been made of mistakes.


Since the story is in present tense, it should read "... if she has made a mistake", instead of "had". You can read it over yourself, but there are only a few very minor issues to be found. Check Freud's dialogue for some missing commas.

3. I'm a little confused about the liquor store thing. In the beginning, we see her working as a cleaning lady, so when she hears the alarm for work, I assumed she was going to go back to cleaning... but then she ends up in the liquor store. Does she also work at the liquor store? Is she browsing the liquor store on her way home from work? Perhaps you should clarify this a little bit.

4. To me, the ending feels like it could have had a bit more elaboration. It would be nice to see the sensation of Susan losing control of her body fleshed out a bit more, especially in the jump between the door knob turning and the end of the party, and in the end where Susan finally "dies". That last bit especially is something you could really drag out a bit more if you wanted to.

5. Just a personal preference here, really, but I would have liked to see the owner's teenage son reflected on a little more. He's the only person in the entire story who actually treats Susan as though she has any worth, it would have been interesting to see what sort of effects that would have had on her psyche.

Overall, great job!
Starry Starry Fright
Mokomonko
THE SLOW DESCENT



I actually quite like this piece; I think the use of present tense, and the disjointed style of the piece really emphasize the main character being lost in her own consciousness. I'll give you a brief run-down of my main critiques.

1. I'm not sure why you chose to call the main character "Susan G" in the first sentence. Personally, I think that either giving her a full first name and surname or just sticking to her first name would have been more effective ways to introduce the character. "Susan G" makes it sound like you are trying to distinguish her from another character named Susan, which is not the case here.

2. There are a few very minor grammar and tense tweaks to be made here and there. For instance:

Quote:
She finally stumbles through the door, feeling defeated. She has never been good with talking to people, she’s never been good at doing anything really, and it’s always been hard for her to keep away the panic that always seemed to be building in her lungs.


Needs a semicolon between "... talking to people; she's never been good at..." And here:

Quote:
She buries her face in her hands, wondering if she had made a mistake, if her life had only been made of mistakes.


Since the story is in present tense, it should read "... if she has made a mistake", instead of "had". You can read it over yourself, but there are only a few very minor issues to be found. Check Freud's dialogue for some missing commas.

3. I'm a little confused about the liquor store thing. In the beginning, we see her working as a cleaning lady, so when she hears the alarm for work, I assumed she was going to go back to cleaning... but then she ends up in the liquor store. Does she also work at the liquor store? Is she browsing the liquor store on her way home from work? Perhaps you should clarify this a little bit.

4. To me, the ending feels like it could have had a bit more elaboration. It would be nice to see the sensation of Susan losing control of her body fleshed out a bit more, especially in the jump between the door knob turning and the end of the party, and in the end where Susan finally "dies". That last bit especially is something you could really drag out a bit more if you wanted to.

5. Just a personal preference here, really, but I would have liked to see the owner's teenage son reflected on a little more. He's the only person in the entire story who actually treats Susan as though she has any worth, it would have been interesting to see what sort of effects that would have had on her psyche.

Overall, great job!


thanks for your critique! I totally get where you're coming from, and i'm glad you liked it. I agree with everything you said, and i'm glad you understand that the story was made awkward and put in present tense on purpose to show how awkward and tense the character is. The liquor store thing, it was supposed to be much later in the story, after she was done from work, but i should have clarified more. the ending, yeah definitely could be worked on, I guess i just ran out of steam.
moonbird67
Mokomonko
THE SLOW DESCENT



I am interested in why you chose to write this in present tense. It's not a bad thing, but most are used to seeing past tense (pulled, smiled, rung, instead of your pulls, smiles, rings).

Overall, the story lacks flow and transitions. I felt like nothing seemed to fit exactly right. For instance, when I read over your dialogue and what you attatched to it, it seemed like a too sudden, too aburpt, transition. I'm not saying add more words here to fix this, but perhaps find a better way of saying it, or not saying it at all. For example, you said:

"“Uh, yeah, I’m fine.” She stands up quickly, feeling the heat rush into her face. She wishes she still wore her hair down, like she had in high school, but it’s tied too tightly against her scalp; she has nothing to hide behind anymore."

Takling about her hair in high school makes no sense and completely threw me from the plot. Instead, try something like this:

"“Uh, yeah, I’m fine.” She stands up quickly, wishing her hair was unpinned so it would hide the hat rushing into her face from view.

Honestly, it wasn't a bad story, but too straight-forward for me. It was easy for my attention to wander and never seemed to pull me in. A way to fix this would be to have a field day with metaphors and similies and emotions. Go crazy, pull us in, make it relateable and as if it was happening in real life, not just a story to be told.

It wasn't awful by any means. It was a good start that can easily be built into something great.


honestly i don't think my story is right for your tastes. the awkward flow and the present tense was done on purpose, to metaphorically show the detachment and uneasiness of Susan's life. and as far as the highschool thing, all i was trying to do with that was show that her anxiety and her shyness and fear is not something new. although i could definitely be more clear. thanks for your critique, i really appreciate it. and when i edit i will keep in mind what you said.
moonbird67's avatar

9,250 Points
  • Tycoon 200
  • Invisibility 100
  • Somebody Likes You 100
xVoldie
The Light


I was so confused about what was going on until the very end. And even now, I am questioning myself. I might be reading this entirely wrong, but to me that cave is purgatory and the light is heaven. Not sure at all.

However, my general confusion should not hinder my ability to give a few suggestions. I am going to list the thing(s) that could have been better and then all the good things, ok?

First off, I would like to see you try writing more imagery. I could never imagine exactly where the main character was, what she looked like, her situation, or anything but her thoughts and feelings. Those are good to have, yes, but without the symbolic (or just added detail) of imagery, they can mean very little and can be hard to get hooked with.

The second thing is this: when you started talking about the son, I honestly believed you began writing a new story, or copied and pasted the wrong thing. The transition was so sudden that is had me completely lost. When you transition into a huge plotline as this, you must bridge it. Multple things can do this: a connecting paragraph between the two ideas of the cave and the son; bring him into the story slowly, mention him before and have her thoughts be drawn back by the outside situation - again slowly, or mention it in the passing. For this story, I would recommend using the second option.

I would have liked to see more action or suspence - something the readers can grab onto and that would keep them interested throughout the entire thing.

What I liked:
If I managed to understand it correctly, I did like the metaphorical meanings of everything.
I liked the deep insight into your character's head.
I am a huge fan of the rhetorical questions you added. Something about that literary device just makes me smile smile
Overall, not bad. The transitions would be the major concern, but this isn't a bad piece of writing at all. Good job.
moonbird67's avatar

9,250 Points
  • Tycoon 200
  • Invisibility 100
  • Somebody Likes You 100
Mokomonko


honestly i don't think my story is right for your tastes. the awkward flow and the present tense was done on purpose, to metaphorically show the detachment and uneasiness of Susan's life. and as far as the highschool thing, all i was trying to do with that was show that her anxiety and her shyness and fear is not something new. although i could definitely be more clear. thanks for your critique, i really appreciate it. and when i edit i will keep in mind what you said.

This is true, not every story is right for everyone.

No no, I wasn't critiqueing the present tense at all! I just found it interesting that I see more and more people using it on this site. It is a definite change from what I am used to and it's not a bad thing at all! I was saying that it is an interesting choice and going against the grain. Not bad at all.

Yes, I do understand that with the purposeful transitions now. Perhaps it would have been more evident if you started off somewhat strong and as time went by, you began to degrade it further? This may make the journey all the more exciting.
moonbird67's avatar

9,250 Points
  • Tycoon 200
  • Invisibility 100
  • Somebody Likes You 100
Writer Selbe
Dystopia


I really liked how you started this. It was a great hook, catching the reader and holding them.

I like how you have a wide range of vocabulay and you're not afraid to show it. I don't say this often, but perhaps you could choose easier words, more common words to get your meaning across instead of using something like "idiosyncrasies." Not everyone knows what this means. In fact, I will even admit that I had to look it up.

Random, but your writing style reminds me of the author of the Kite Runner. Great story, if you haven't already, I recommend it.

I quite liked this. The end was spectacular - I am a sucker for the angst and tragedies. Great job.
Starry Starry Fright
Mokomonko




hey i changed the ending if you're interested. the change starts at the part where she turns the doorknob for the party.

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games