Bait-kun
(?)Community Member
- Report Post
- Posted: Wed, 08 Feb 2012 20:54:36 +0000
The Solarised Night
Bait-kun
You didn't say open so I'm sorry if this post is a bother but here's my sonnet. Also this is on my deviantart so don't think I'm stealing. Hope you like it.
O ye prince of many dour endeavors 1
why would such a nobel partake in death? 2
Objects ye' gods shall avoid forever 3
Stolen from men who curse in thou last breath 4
Hoarding thee entities corrupts thy name 5
May it be, thy demons detested thy fame 6
Doth thou loyalty remain lucid and pure? 7
Or shrouded by morbid night terrors lure 8
O weary prince, rest in the endless herse 9
Deluded, his obsessions turn a curse 10
Thy deceased never have before graven 11
Until thou eternal soul was taken 12
Ye affliction's crow, eating what's inside 13
Whilst in the heavens your tale must confide 14
O ye prince of many dour endeavors 1
why would such a nobel partake in death? 2
Objects ye' gods shall avoid forever 3
Stolen from men who curse in thou last breath 4
Hoarding thee entities corrupts thy name 5
May it be, thy demons detested thy fame 6
Doth thou loyalty remain lucid and pure? 7
Or shrouded by morbid night terrors lure 8
O weary prince, rest in the endless herse 9
Deluded, his obsessions turn a curse 10
Thy deceased never have before graven 11
Until thou eternal soul was taken 12
Ye affliction's crow, eating what's inside 13
Whilst in the heavens your tale must confide 14
Hey Bait, welcome to the thread. I'd like to discuss my thoughts of this piece with you.
First of all, I noticed that you have taken a traditional approach by capitalising every new line. Personally, I am not fond of this because in isn't always grammatically correct (such as capitalising 'or') You don't need to change it though, especially since the traditional format suits the style you've established by including outdated 'olde English' such as 'ye' and 'thee.'
I would like to see more guiding punctuation considering you use a couple of commas here and there. You either need to drop the punctuation completely or go through with it all the way; you can't have both.
Now to the subject manner. I feel as though you start to lead the audience on with this hypothetical question at the beginning but it isn't answered. You get us interested with this question of why the prince wants to partake in death but then brutally change the subject to focus on these vague objects that seem to corrupt the soul. I don't have a very good grasp of the imagery here because the establishing lines differ so greatly (In my opinion) to the two that follow. Considering the first four lines are related by rhyme, I believe it would be more powerful if the subject remained the same within them, otherwise it is just these two very different statements within the one section(?) Does that make sense?
Line 6-7 again you brutally change the topic just when I start to relax into the message and image you are trying to give me.
Line 8 - the word 'lure' seems to be grammatically incorrect and simply added there for the sake of keeping up with the rhyme. It is weak.
Line 9 - ********. Seriously? This is a complete contrast to the opening lines where it seems as though you use positive connotations (noble) to contrast against the clearly negative (death) to, (in my opinion), say that it is a bad thing that the prince wants to die. Now in this line you are practically telling him to. Make up your mind about the message you are trying to send.
Line 10 - Your tense changes in this line and it doesn't make grammatical sense. You go from speaking to the prince, to this jumbled version of third person. I also think this line is weak and has only been added in to keep to the rhyme scheme. Forcing a rhyme doesn't make it better for fitting to the sonnet form; it just makes it weak and sloppy.
Before I even finish analysing this, I want you to tell me, in all honesty, what is the message you are trying to convey? Once you clear up that confusion, then I can help you a bit more.
Thanks for the feedback, The subject is about a prince stealing items from the dead.
Line 6-7 Demons detested his name for the matter of him stealing all the fame of being a basically a creeper, and I meant loyalty to his kingdom. He's so busy collecting these items that he's totally ignored others.
Line 8 - Hearing that I sort of understand, but it wasn't just thrown in there like you believe.
Line 9 - I don't understand where you got the thought that he wanted to die, I say he should rest in the herse for he's been doing horrible things and deserves to die considering he doesn't want to repent.
Line 10 - His obsessions remain to be the same theme, him stealing items from the dead.
Didn't think it was that difficult to understand, the first time I've ever heard this. Also, I've never thrown in a rhyme just for the basic scheme. Have to admit I'm still slightly proud of how it turned out.