Everything Must Go! (RESULTS POSTED)

Do You Know Me?

That would be a "No."	40.2%	[ 43 ]
Of course! We're BFFs!	4.7%	[ 5 ]
Who really knows Anyone?	29.0%	[ 31 ]
Gold?	26.2%	[ 28 ]
Total Votes:			[ 107 ]

[The Blue Blob]

I think it said on the first page to put anything super long in a test thread and just post a link =) I'm sure it also said there was a 5000 word limit... can't think off the top of my head whether that's likely to be more or less than 3 pages...

[Yutora]

Depending on how you set your paragraphs 3 pages should be around 2k-3k of words?
I am not really sure, just guessing.

[The Solarised Night]

calviness

The Solarised Night

I had no idea that you had been here before emotion_jawdrop That actually makes me feel connected through place. That's really weird, but I don't have any friends here yet so I have this weird warm feeling of comfort, knowing you've been here before. Sorry - that was just a really weird moment xd

Was Alice Springs really hot? I didn't get to do the central Australia trip when I was in high school.

blaugh If I knew any cool people who still lived there, I would totally get you in touch with them. But, most of my non-mormon friends there were backpackers or students, so they've moved on. However, I loved Pig'N'Whistle and the Greasepit (ridiculous place, but they had some great live musicians while I was there).

Alice wasn't too bad. It is dry heat, so you don't feel smothered like you would expect to. Mostly it was just crazy living there because of the race-issues, the rest of the town feels a lot like the kind of small-town life that I grew up with.

When does your semester start?

I haven't gotten around to exploring everywhere yet so I have yet to discover these places (if they are still running)

Oh okay, I imagined the heat to be humid so I wasn't keen on going there. Ah yes, the race issue would be a major downfall there. Was it the white-bogans causing trouble?

My semester starts on Monday (2 days) I am so not ready but oh well.

[calviness]

Thanks Blue Bob and Yutora!

You only have to link your piece if you are concerned about it being too long. We've had several longer pieces in here, so it is really your call. You are probably more likely to get in-depth critique from the others if you copy the whole thing here.

As Yutora said, there are some factors into it, but you should be averaging around 500-1,000 words per page. So, you should be under 3k.

Also, The 5K isn't really a cap. I am not going to count words. I really just meant that if you have a really long piece, it will have to be pretty damn good, or I am going to start skimming halfway through. Don't let that stop you, just make sure that you do a good polish before the deadline.

[calviness]

The Solarised Night

I haven't gotten around to exploring everywhere yet so I have yet to discover these places (if they are still running)

Oh okay, I imagined the heat to be humid so I wasn't keen on going there. Ah yes, the race issue would be a major downfall there. Was it the white-bogans causing trouble?

My semester starts on Monday (2 days) I am so not ready but oh well.

They should be around. From what I saw, pubs in Brisbane generally did very well for themselves (even with all those crazy Aussie liquor laws)

Actually, it was both. I spent the first couple months being offended at the attitude of all the white people, and then I had enough run-ins with the Aboriginal community to sort of understand their perspective (I don't care HOW poor you are, you DO NOT trash my motorbike... ever.). I mean, I also had some Aboriginal friends, but I get the feeling that the community is in a sort of racial down-spiral, and it isn't getting better anytime soon. I've lived in some pretty rough areas, but I've never had anyone throw rocks at me before, or have anyone tell me that they can't hang out with me because I have too many black friends. It was surreal. Especially since I hadn't gotten that vibe anywhere else in the country...

Are you going to be working and doing school, or just taking classes? And I know you are doing sort of a unique program - are you taking a traditional class-load, or do they special things that you get to do?

[Yutora]

Aww... I was really hoping for some critique;
so I can keep it in mind for future works. ;c

[mustachedbunny]

mustachedbunny

I'd like to enter. My thing doesnt tell me how many words this is so it may be over 500 words. I like it though. So it may be worth reading. And no I dont mean to brag I just want you to read it. Weather it is good or not, I do not care. well anyways, here it is.



The world spun around me. I fluttered my eyes open to find the blindingly white room still. Completely quiet. It was somewhat nerve-wracking not knowing where I was. I stood up to notice a white jacket tying my arms together. As soon as I saw it I knew exactly where I was.

I stood up, shoving all my fears to the back of my mind. This was my time, only mine. This wasn't a time to be thinking about other people. I got in my stance. This was my time! At full rage, I let loose of my attacks. My father growing up taught me how to survive this world. I never understood until this moment. This was the moment my father and I were waiting for my whole life. The man stared into my eyes. I knew that he figured out my weakness. Now all I had to do was hold it back. I kicked the man straight in the chest, pushing him back. This caused him to loose balance and fall to the ground. He was gasping for air. That was the time to run. Run away from the real world, leaving all those that I loved behind. This is my time. I sprinted until I came upon trees, my only safe haven. I climbed up one and pulled the sack dangling from my shoulders to the branch in front of me. I drank until I heard footsteps. It was more of them! I stealthy jumped up on the next branch, then the next, until I reached the top of the tree. I saw the whole place from here. That's when it hit me. I was in the dome of death.

I never knew what my dad was telling me when I was little was the dome of death. He must have known that I was going to be chosen the whole time. This place was meant for the warriors of our tribes. Suddenly I had an urge. An urge to go destroy the people in this place. I clambered down the tree to face the one I loved.

“Juniper,” I whispered.
“Maple,” He mouthed.

We briefly embraced each other until I noticed what I needed to tell him.

“We're in the doom of death.”
“No! We can't be! This can't be the end! This always seemed impossible. This can't be happening.” He fell to the ground in a heap.

I explained the whole thing. How we can't give up. How there is always hope. How we need to kill everyone and get out of this hellhole. He nodded, stood up, and followed me to the stream hidden beside the bed of grass. I told him this is home to us now. He nodded and dove into the stream. I knew this is how he calmed down, so I let him be. I left the area until I found a camp of a competetor. I dug around finding a loaf of bread and a canteen. I took it. I stuck it in my sack and set a trap hidden with leaves and grass. This would kill this person instantly when they stepped in it. I walked away, hearing a click behind me. This person was just murdered by my trap. I don't look back.

I arrive back at my camp with Juniper and discover pictures made of stars in the black sky. It was telling how many people were dead and how many more there are left. I look at the stars, ready to burst into tears, but I never do. There was only me, Juniper, and an adorable little girl left. I wondered how so many were dead, but decide to go find that little girl. There were allowed to be three victors if we all made a truce. I held Juniper's hand as we walked along. We screamed for the little girl but didn't find her for a while. We decided we needed to go back to camp before it got dark. When we approached the area, we heard something scrounging through our stuff. Bow in my hand, I cautiously get closer to the camp. I see the little girl. Careful not to startle her, I whisper to her. She turns around with a knife in her hand.

“We aren't here to hurt you. We want to make a truce. If we do, we can get out of here and join our families. Please, little girl, please make a truce.”

She nodded her head and there was a gunshot. The dome was opened. Out of nowhere a man appeared. He congratulated us and introduced himself as the dome maker. I loaded my bow with and arrow and aimed it at his chest.

“Careful now, if I die, you do too, along with that little girl and your boyfriend.”

I lower my bow and stare fiercly into his eyes. He smiles wryly and me. So, you must be Maple. I've been watching you for a very long time. I look at my feet, then back at his disgusting face. A new rage that I've never felt before concocts itself in my body. I run up to him and punch him straight in his eye. I smile and then fall to the ground.

That's the last I remember, and now I'm in this mental facility with a bandage around my throbbing broken fingers. I would punch him over and over in my mind. He was setting up a game just so innocent people end up slaughtering each other. I look at my throbbing hand, it was definitely worth it. I start letting my mind wander to random thoughts. My favorite being what my father used to tell me. This was the last thing I remember about him.

“Never walk away when the world is burning, the fire always loves a good chase.”

Those were his final words. They were mine too. Later that day, I was brutaly murdered by the man I punched. Those were my final words.

Thanks, mustachedbunny

[mustachedbunny]

The Blue Blob

Alrighty! This is my first attempt at critiqueing so bear with me! =)

mustachedbunny

The world spun around me. I fluttered my eyes open to find the blindingly white room still. Completely quiet. It was somewhat nerve-wracking not knowing where I was, but it was quite comfortable. I stand up to notice a white jacket tying my arms together. As soon as I saw it I knew exactly where I was.

I believe you chance tenses in the middle of this section and then change back again. 'I stand up to notice a white jacket tying my arms together' is present tense whereas the rest of the paragraph is past tense. It would only need 'stand' being changed to 'stood' to make it flow a little better.

Also, ' It was somewhat nerve-wracking not knowing where I was, but it was quite comfortable.' seems a little contradictory to me. Up to the comma I love it, and it makes me want to know where she is, why she's there, why she doesn't know where she is and how she got there. The comment about it being comfortable seems to kind of kill that tension... Like saying 'I was kidnapped by ruthless murderers but they fed me caviar and champagne and gave me a feather bed'. You could change it to something like... ' It was somewhat nerve-wracking not knowing where I was. The bed I was on was comfortable, which implied whoever had put me here wanted me alive.' I hope that makes sense? Personally I would have stuck in something about some kind of ache or hurt that let her know the whiteness wasn't a sign she was dead, but I'd definitly recommend removing/changing that comfortable bit.

Quote:

My father growing up taught me how to survive this world.

I think this sentence would make a little more sense if you swapped 'my father' and 'growing up' and stuck a comma in between, so it read 'Growing up, my father taught me how to survive this world'

Quote:

The man stared into my eyes.

This confused me a little... from the way the beginning paragraph is writen, I assumed the white room was empty except your character, so the sudden appearance of a man seems... unexplained? I have no idea as the reader whether he was there when she woke up, whether he just walked in or anything about him... is he a guard, which implies she's some kind of prisoner? Or a doctor, which might imply she's in some kind of hospital? You could do with some clarification about where the man came from (either mention him when you mention the white jacket or mention he entered the room or something?) and who he is?

Quote:

This caused him to loose balance and fall to the ground. He was gasping for air.

Personally I'd combine these into one sentence but taking out the 'He was' and changing the full stop for a comma. I'd also possibly suggest adjusting the beginning to say 'He lost his balance...' I'm not sure why... my brain just isn't keen on 'This caused him...'

Quote:

I sprinted until I came upon trees, my only safe haven.

Like with the man, I'm a little confused here. She's suddenly gone from being in a white room to being (I assume?) outside and near some trees... It would help if you added some mention of how she got outside? Like 'I sprinted through the building until I reached the outside and came upon trees...'

Quote:

I climbed up one and pulled the sack dangling from my shoulders to the branch in front of me. I drank until I heard footsteps.

Same again with this section... what sack? What's she drinking? Where did they both come from?

Quote:

I never knew what my dad was telling me when I was little was the dome of death.

I can't work out if this sentence makes gramatical sense or not... but either way my brain totally doesn't want to wrap around what the sentence is meant to mean. That might just be me though...

Quote:

Suddenly I had an urge. An urge to go destroy the people in this place.

I like this bit, but I don't think you need the word 'go' in there. It seems more powerful without it in my opinion.

Quote:

I clambered down the tree to face the one I loved.

Again, what? Who is this person you love, where have they come from, why are they randomly standing at the bottom of your tree?! How did they know you were there?

Quote:

We briefly embraced each other until I noticed what I needed to tell him.

I think noticed could be swapped out here for realised, in which case I'd get rid of the 'what' too.

Quote:

“We're in the doom of death.”

Typo?

Quote:

“No! We can't be! This can't be the end! This always seemed impossible. This can't be happening.” He fell to the ground in a heap.

I know for this competition we're not to use formatting but I wouldn't really consider italicising something to be formatting, so I think you need to add some in here. Specifically on the 'can't's.

Quote:

He nodded, stood up, and followed me to the stream hidden beside the bed of grass. I told him this is home to us now. He nodded and dove into the stream.

Again this is a case where I feel the stream should have been mentioned earlier, i.e. when she first reached the tree or when she was up in it and could have looked down to spot it. Also, it's either small enough to be a hidden stream or it's big enough to have someone dive into it... for any kind of dive it would need to be at least a meter+ deep which doesn't really seem to fit with the idea of a hidden stream...

Quote:

I left the area until I found a camp of a competetor.

Typo on competitor? And also, what?! I really think you need to add in a paragraph of explanation when she realises she's in the dome. Like her thinking over what she knows about it or something to help the reader follow whats happening.

Quote:

This would kill this person instantly when they stepped in it. I walked away, hearing a click behind me. This person was just murdered by my trap. I don't look back.

Again, I'm not sure where the trap came from? Was it something she found in the other persons belongings or was it in the sack?

I'm not sure if this is something obscure that only I've ever been taught in school (I'm British so it is possible!) but I always remember being told not to use the same word twice in a sentence, or in the same paragraph if possible. You could change 'this person' to 'a person' in the first sentence and to 'A human' in the third sentence? It would remove the repetition of the word 'this'

You also change tenses again in the very last sentence. You could fix it by changing don't to didn't.

Quote:

I arrive back at my camp with Juniper and discover pictures made of stars in the black sky. It was telling how many people were dead and how many more there are left. I look at the stars, ready to burst into tears, but I never do.

You slip into the present tense again for this section.

I think you could use a different word to replace 'telling' to make this a bit more... fluid? maybe It showed as opposed to it was telling?

Also, 'I never do' seems like a trailing off end to an emotional sentence... perhaps something like 'but I manage to suppress them'?

Quote:

We screamed for the little girl but didn't find her for a while.

This doesn't really need the 'for a while' on the end. It implies that they eventually did find her as they wandered around and the reader is then confused by 'we decided to go back to camp...' because we're unsure whether the girl is with them or not.

Quote:

Bow in my hand, I cautiously get closer to the camp.

Where did the bow come from?

Quote:

I loaded my bow with and arrow and aimed it at his chest.

Typo?

Quote:

I lower my bow and stare fiercly into his eyes. He smiles wryly and me. So, you must be Maple. I've been watching you for a very long time. I look at my feet, then back at his disgusting face. A new rage that I've never felt before concocts itself in my body. I run up to him and punch him straight in his eye. I smile and then fall to the ground.

Swapped tenses again. I believe you also missed out some quote marks around what the man says? And there's a little type in the second sentence (and instead of at)

Quote:

That's the last I remember, and now I'm in this mental facility with a bandage around my throbbing broken fingers.

Do you mean mental or medical facility? If you did mean mental, why would she be there? o.O

Quote:

I start letting my mind wander to random thoughts. My favorite being what my father used to tell me.

This seems... I dunno... If all that had happened to me, my mind certainly wouldn't just be wandering randomly... perhaps you could re-word it so her thoughts about the dome reminded her of her father?

Quote:

Those were his final words. They were mine too. Later that day, I was brutaly murdered by the man I punched. Those were my final words.

I'm not going to lie, this seems a bit of a washed out ending. Like saying 'And then they woke up and realised it was all a dream'. You put loads into the story and then kill the character off just like that. Wouldn't she have put up a fight? I think this could use a bit more development... or could be turned into a bit of a cliffhanger, saying thats the last thing she rememebred thinking.

Also, might just be me being awkward, but if a story is told in the past tense as yours is, I tend to picture it as the character sitting opposite me telling me about something that happened to them in the past, which doesn't really make sense if the character then dies, because they obviously couldn't then tell their story after the fact. I think this might just be my way of looking to stories, and I'm not sure what I'd suggest to change it anyway, but it might bear thinking about for future reference? XD

Overall I really like the concept, but you could do with adding in alot more description of the characters surroundings. At the moment the bulk of your story just tells us what the characters are doing and saying. Another thing I got taught in school was to include description for all the readers senses. Tell us what your character is seeing, what they can smell and hear, are they hot or cold, how they feel about what's happening to them etc, and it'll put the reader right there next to your character, experiencing what they're experiencing in the story.

I hope you find this helpful! Sorry it's ended up a little long!

thanks for proofreading!!! It helped a lot. Well, I'm only 13 so like I'm not at my full potential yet, so you helped a lot. I took so much of what you gave me. Well, I just wanted to say, I made this for my own fun, not for this contest. It was just going to be sitting in my computer and I didn't feel like making a good ending because I was tired. I just realized (we spell realised like realized in america XD) that my ending was terrible. Well anyway, Thanks for helping so much. I tend to change tenses all the time D: . Thanks

[mustachedbunny]

Ok, so I changed a lot in my story and decided it would just be easier to do it on the actual document. So here's the new copy. ( I want to say a thanks to *i think* The blue blob, for proofreading my work. Thanks, mustachedbunny.


The world spun around me. I fluttered my eyes open to find the blindingly white room still. Completely quiet. It was somewhat nerve-wracking not knowing where I was. I stood up to notice a white jacket tying my arms together. As soon as I saw it I knew exactly where I was.

I stood up, shoving all my fears to the back of my mind. This was my time, only mine. This wasn't a time to be thinking about other people. I got in my stance. This was my time! At full rage, I let loose of my attacks. Growing up, my father taught me how to survive this world. I never understood until this moment. This was the moment my father and I were waiting for my whole life. The man stared into my eyes. I knew that he figured out my weakness. Now all I had to do was hold it back. I kicked the man straight in the chest, pushing him back. The impact made him loose his balance and he fell to the ground. He was gasping for air. That was the time to run. Run away from the real world, leaving all those that I loved behind. This is my time. I sprinted until I came upon trees, my only safe haven. I climbed up one and pulled the sack dangling from my shoulders to the branch in front of me. I drank until I heard footsteps. It was more of them! I stealthy jumped up on the next branch, then the next, until I reached the top of the tree. I saw the whole place from here. That's when it hit me. I was in the dome of death.

I never knew what my dad was telling me when I was little was the dome of death. He must have known that I was going to be chosen the whole time. This place was meant for the warriors of our tribes. Suddenly I had an urge. An urge to destroy the people in this place. I clambered down the tree to face the one I loved.

“Juniper,” I whispered.
“Maple,” He mouthed.

We briefly embraced each other until I realized I needed to tell him the new information that I gathered.

“We're in the dome of death.”
“No! We can't be! This can't be the end! This always seemed impossible. This can't be happening.” He fell to the ground in a heap.

I explained the whole thing. How we can't give up. How there is always hope. How we need to kill everyone and get out of this hellhole. He nodded, stood up, and followed me to the stream hidden beside the bed of grass. I told him this is home to us now. He nodded and dove into the stream. I knew this is how he calmed down, so I let him be. I left the area until I found a camp of a competitor. I dug around finding a loaf of bread, canteen, sturdy branches and some rope. I took it. I stuck it in my sack and set a trap with my new supplies and hid it with leaves and grass. This would kill a person instantly when they stepped in it. I walked away, hearing a click behind me. This person was just murdered by my trap. I didn't look back.

I arrived back at my camp with Juniper and discovered pictures made of stars in the black sky. It was telling how many people were dead and how many more there are left. I look at the stars, ready to burst into tears, but managed to suppress my feelings. There was only me, Juniper, and an adorable little girl left. I wondered how so many were dead, but decide to go find that little girl. There were allowed to be three victors if we all made a truce. I held Juniper's hand as we walked along. We screamed for the little girl but didn't find her. We decided we needed to go back to camp before it got dark. When we approached the area, and we heard something scrounging through our stuff. I take out a bow from my sack and walk towards the noises. Bow in my hand, I cautiously get closer to the camp. I see the little girl. Careful not to startle her, I whisper to her. She turns around with a knife in her hand.

“We aren't here to hurt you. We want to make a truce. If we do, we can get out of here and join our families. Please, little girl, please make a truce.”

She nodded her head and there was a gunshot. The dome was opened. Out of nowhere a man appeared. He congratulated us and introduced himself as the dome maker. I loaded my bow with and arrow and aimed it at his chest.

“Careful now, if I die, you do too, along with that little girl and your boyfriend.”

I lower my bow and stare fiercely into his eyes. He smiles wryly and me. So, you must be Maple. I've been watching you for a very long time. I look at my feet, then back at his disgusting face. A new rage that I've never felt before concocts itself in my body. I run up to him and punch him straight in his eye. I smile and then fall to the ground.

That's the last I remember, and now I'm in this mental facility with a bandage around my throbbing broken fingers. I ran the story over in my mind. I then realized that I was here in this mental facility for hurting the maker of the dome. If I could, I would punch him over and over. He was setting up a game just so innocent people end up slaughtering each other. I look at my throbbing hand, it was definitely worth it.

I walk around the padded white room, just thinking. I knew that I was in here for punching the man who created these evil games. What I didn't know was why no one has told me anything or punished me. Especially, I wondered if they would ever feed me. It's been a few days, I think, without eating any food. I was starving and my mind just kept coming back to my stomach. I looked around my surroundings, trying to find some way to contact someone, anyone. Nothing.

Another day passes by, and I am on the verge of dying of starvation and food deprivation. I lay down, ready to let death eat away at me. There was nothing I could do. No cameras, no windows. There wasn't even a door with a handle on the inside. I was completely quarantined inside this place. So once again, I let my mind settle to allow death to take me.

I whisper to myself

“Never walk away when the world is burning, the fire always loves a good chase.”

I immediately sit up at the words. My eyes burst open. I had to get out of this place.

[Yutora]

mustachedbunny

Remember to update your original post with the edits c:

[mustachedbunny]

Yutora

mustachedbunny

Remember to update your original post with the edits c:

i tried that but it was too hard because I had so much to change so I couldnt

[Yutora]

mustachedbunny

Yutora

mustachedbunny

Remember to update your original post with the edits c:

i tried that but it was too hard because I had so much to change so I couldnt

Just copy/paste your new text where the old one is ?

[mustachedbunny]

Yutora

mustachedbunny

Yutora

mustachedbunny

Remember to update your original post with the edits c:

i tried that but it was too hard because I had so much to change so I couldnt

Just copy/paste your new text where the old one is ?

oo good idea, thanks

[Yutora]

mustachedbunny

oo good idea, thanks

You're quite welcome <3

[The Solarised Night]

calviness

The Solarised Night

I haven't gotten around to exploring everywhere yet so I have yet to discover these places (if they are still running)

Oh okay, I imagined the heat to be humid so I wasn't keen on going there. Ah yes, the race issue would be a major downfall there. Was it the white-bogans causing trouble?

My semester starts on Monday (2 days) I am so not ready but oh well.

They should be around. From what I saw, pubs in Brisbane generally did very well for themselves (even with all those crazy Aussie liquor laws)

Actually, it was both. I spent the first couple months being offended at the attitude of all the white people, and then I had enough run-ins with the Aboriginal community to sort of understand their perspective (I don't care HOW poor you are, you DO NOT trash my motorbike... ever.). I mean, I also had some Aboriginal friends, but I get the feeling that the community is in a sort of racial down-spiral, and it isn't getting better anytime soon. I've lived in some pretty rough areas, but I've never had anyone throw rocks at me before, or have anyone tell me that they can't hang out with me because I have too many black friends. It was surreal. Especially since I hadn't gotten that vibe anywhere else in the country...

Are you going to be working and doing school, or just taking classes? And I know you are doing sort of a unique program - are you taking a traditional class-load, or do they special things that you get to do?

They trashed your bike emotion_0A0 Those bastards! scream I think I'd kill if someone did that to me, or at least seriously maim. I've heard some bad stories of people in rural areas though so it doesn't surprise me.

I'd like to be working at the same time, but I need to get a job suitable for my epilepsy. I can't be having seizures on the work site. I don't know for certain what my timetable is going to be but most of my classes are on monday. I have a writing course lecture on Monday morning, then I go home for two hours, come back for my writing tutorial, followed by my politics tutorial, then an hour break for dinner, then my social practice lecture at 6pm. Then my other two lectures are on Wednesday at midday and Thursday afternoon. (My b*****d boyfriend just read through and corrected me on things. He seems to know more about my time table than I do rolleyes )

In my second year, I do psychology and a more specific field (mine will be child youth and family) then third and fourth years I get to do practical placement which will most likely lead to a social work career straight out of uni. It is in high demand here so I should have a job rather quickly.