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The Solarised Night
Bait-kun
You didn't say open so I'm sorry if this post is a bother but here's my sonnet. Also this is on my deviantart so don't think I'm stealing. Hope you like it.

O ye prince of many dour endeavors 1
why would such a nobel partake in death? 2
Objects ye' gods shall avoid forever 3
Stolen from men who curse in thou last breath 4
Hoarding thee entities corrupts thy name 5
May it be, thy demons detested thy fame 6
Doth thou loyalty remain lucid and pure? 7
Or shrouded by morbid night terrors lure 8
O weary prince, rest in the endless herse 9
Deluded, his obsessions turn a curse 10
Thy deceased never have before graven 11
Until thou eternal soul was taken 12
Ye affliction's crow, eating what's inside 13
Whilst in the heavens your tale must confide 14

Hey Bait, welcome to the thread. I'd like to discuss my thoughts of this piece with you.
First of all, I noticed that you have taken a traditional approach by capitalising every new line. Personally, I am not fond of this because in isn't always grammatically correct (such as capitalising 'or') You don't need to change it though, especially since the traditional format suits the style you've established by including outdated 'olde English' such as 'ye' and 'thee.'

I would like to see more guiding punctuation considering you use a couple of commas here and there. You either need to drop the punctuation completely or go through with it all the way; you can't have both.

Now to the subject manner. I feel as though you start to lead the audience on with this hypothetical question at the beginning but it isn't answered. You get us interested with this question of why the prince wants to partake in death but then brutally change the subject to focus on these vague objects that seem to corrupt the soul. I don't have a very good grasp of the imagery here because the establishing lines differ so greatly (In my opinion) to the two that follow. Considering the first four lines are related by rhyme, I believe it would be more powerful if the subject remained the same within them, otherwise it is just these two very different statements within the one section(?) Does that make sense?

Line 6-7 again you brutally change the topic just when I start to relax into the message and image you are trying to give me.

Line 8 - the word 'lure' seems to be grammatically incorrect and simply added there for the sake of keeping up with the rhyme. It is weak.

Line 9 - ********. Seriously? This is a complete contrast to the opening lines where it seems as though you use positive connotations (noble) to contrast against the clearly negative (death) to, (in my opinion), say that it is a bad thing that the prince wants to die. Now in this line you are practically telling him to. Make up your mind about the message you are trying to send.

Line 10 - Your tense changes in this line and it doesn't make grammatical sense. You go from speaking to the prince, to this jumbled version of third person. I also think this line is weak and has only been added in to keep to the rhyme scheme. Forcing a rhyme doesn't make it better for fitting to the sonnet form; it just makes it weak and sloppy.

Before I even finish analysing this, I want you to tell me, in all honesty, what is the message you are trying to convey? Once you clear up that confusion, then I can help you a bit more.

Thanks for the feedback, The subject is about a prince stealing items from the dead.

Line 6-7 Demons detested his name for the matter of him stealing all the fame of being a basically a creeper, and I meant loyalty to his kingdom. He's so busy collecting these items that he's totally ignored others.

Line 8 - Hearing that I sort of understand, but it wasn't just thrown in there like you believe.

Line 9 - I don't understand where you got the thought that he wanted to die, I say he should rest in the herse for he's been doing horrible things and deserves to die considering he doesn't want to repent.

Line 10 - His obsessions remain to be the same theme, him stealing items from the dead.

Didn't think it was that difficult to understand, the first time I've ever heard this. Also, I've never thrown in a rhyme just for the basic scheme. Have to admit I'm still slightly proud of how it turned out.
calviness
Wing McCallister
Super sadpanda, Cal...

I know, it is the lamest. But, seeing as I find time to post about once a month, I figure it is time to cut it out. Time to move on, so to speak.
phantomkitsune
Sad that you won't be popping by anymore.

I will miss reading all those backlogs. Luckily, I will get something from you to comfort myself with... I will be excited to see your entry smile
The Solarised Night
You're going?

Yeah. I've gotten a little disconnected from the community, so it's either invest lots of time into reconnecting, or bail. No matter how much I loved it here, I just don't have the time.
Can I also say - thanks for critiquing already! That's like awesomepossum, right there.
The fact that a contest that accepts anything has been dubbed a 'Wing McCallister style' contest, though, is highly amusing. lol
Pandamoneyelephant00's avatar

Interesting Genius

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When the flowers are fake
can the love be real;
or does it all just fade away?
When the flowers are fake
are they as beautiful;
or is there no beauty at all?
When the flowers are fake
do they have a meaning?
When the flowers are fake
do they last as long;
or do they wilt twice as fast?
When the flowers are fake
can the love be real?

~Fake Flowers
The Solarised Night's avatar

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Bait-kun

Thanks for the feedback, The subject is about a prince stealing items from the dead.

Line 6-7 Demons detested his name for the matter of him stealing all the fame of being a basically a creeper, and I meant loyalty to his kingdom. He's so busy collecting these items that he's totally ignored others.

Line 8 - Hearing that I sort of understand, but it wasn't just thrown in there like you believe.

Line 9 - I don't understand where you got the thought that he wanted to die, I say he should rest in the herse for he's been doing horrible things and deserves to die considering he doesn't want to repent.

Line 10 - His obsessions remain to be the same theme, him stealing items from the dead.

Didn't think it was that difficult to understand, the first time I've ever heard this. Also, I've never thrown in a rhyme just for the basic scheme. Have to admit I'm still slightly proud of how it turned out.

That helps me a lot.
Okay well the line "why would such a nobel(spell check = noble) partake in death?" Makes it sound like he is contemplating suicide, or taking part in death/dying. If that's not what you meant, perhaps you need to reword it 3nodding

I don't think "detest" is a very good word in the line "May it be, thy demons detested thy fame" also "thy" isn't appropriate unless they are internal demons/ fears, otherwise you are saying that the prince owns the demons and that is damn confusing unless you give us more info as to why he owns them.

Oh and if you are saying he should "rest in the herse for he's been doing horrible things and deserves to die considering he doesn't want to repent." you need to be far more aggressive and brutal with the delivery of the line. To me it sounds like Shakespeares "Good night sweet prince and may flights of angels take you to thy rest" ie nice and airy fariy like you are singing him a lullaby, not scorning him and spitting in his face. More grit would do this a hell of a lot more good.

My point about line 10 wasn't that you changed subject but you changed style.
"O weary prince, rest in the endless herse (spell check = hearse)
Deluded, his obsessions turn a curse"
You seem to be using second person talking directly to the prince in the first line, I almost expect a 'you' or 'your' to pop up but then you return to third person by using 'his' I used to make this very same mistake all the time and it is something you need to be shown otherwise you wont learn.

Take another shot with edits I have suggested, use more guiding punctuation, and spell check, then we will talk again.
The Solarised Night's avatar

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calviness
Wing McCallister
Super sadpanda, Cal...

I know, it is the lamest. But, seeing as I find time to post about once a month, I figure it is time to cut it out. Time to move on, so to speak.
phantomkitsune
Sad that you won't be popping by anymore.

I will miss reading all those backlogs. Luckily, I will get something from you to comfort myself with... I will be excited to see your entry smile
The Solarised Night
You're going?

Yeah. I've gotten a little disconnected from the community, so it's either invest lots of time into reconnecting, or bail. No matter how much I loved it here, I just don't have the time.
Can I also say - thanks for critiquing already! That's like awesomepossum, right there.

Awesomepossum rofl I guess you can't completely steal Wing's style or animal of choice razz
It is going to be a several post critique like the one I was going through with you over in BLB's thread. I need to work out where it is going and what can be improved before I can get down to the polishing stage with him so bare with me. Don't make the mistake that BLB did in thinking that each one was a new critique.
The Solarised Night's avatar

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Pandamoneyelephant00
When the flowers are fake
can the love be real;
or does it all just fade away?
When the flowers are fake
are they as beautiful;
or is there no beauty at all?
When the flowers are fake
do they have a meaning?
When the flowers are fake
do they last as long;
or do they wilt twice as fast?
When the flowers are fake
can the love be real?

~Fake Flowers

Three things: work on them, then I will get back to you.

semi colons are not the same as commas; you can't use them if your next sentence starts with 'or' because it is grammatically incorrect to start a sentence with a conjunction.

Rhetorical questions lose meaning if they are not expanded on with further insight. Basically, don't answer a question with a question, or give the audience something to think about then shove something else in their face before they are finished thinking about the philosophy behind the first question.

The repetition makes this piece incredibly weak and dull. It is unnecessary. I suggest you focus more on content and what message you want to convey with this piece.
Nu Sanniang's avatar

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calviness
Nu Sanniang
I I would like to join...but..I dont feel confident as a writer in general to critique other works.

No worries! Everytime is a good time to start critiquing. You don't have to be a professional writer to give good advice. I just want to hear what you have to say.


Perhaps, what I mean Is I literally wouldnt know what to say to critique.
Oh well, i'll just watch the others contestants.
The Solarised Night
Bait-kun

Thanks for the feedback, The subject is about a prince stealing items from the dead.

Line 6-7 Demons detested his name for the matter of him stealing all the fame of being a basically a creeper, and I meant loyalty to his kingdom. He's so busy collecting these items that he's totally ignored others.

Line 8 - Hearing that I sort of understand, but it wasn't just thrown in there like you believe.

Line 9 - I don't understand where you got the thought that he wanted to die, I say he should rest in the herse for he's been doing horrible things and deserves to die considering he doesn't want to repent.

Line 10 - His obsessions remain to be the same theme, him stealing items from the dead.

Didn't think it was that difficult to understand, the first time I've ever heard this. Also, I've never thrown in a rhyme just for the basic scheme. Have to admit I'm still slightly proud of how it turned out.

That helps me a lot.
Okay well the line "why would such a nobel(spell check = noble) partake in death?" Makes it sound like he is contemplating suicide, or taking part in death/dying. If that's not what you meant, perhaps you need to reword it 3nodding

I don't think "detest" is a very good word in the line "May it be, thy demons detested thy fame" also "thy" isn't appropriate unless they are internal demons/ fears, otherwise you are saying that the prince owns the demons and that is damn confusing unless you give us more info as to why he owns them.

Oh and if you are saying he should "rest in the herse for he's been doing horrible things and deserves to die considering he doesn't want to repent." you need to be far more aggressive and brutal with the delivery of the line. To me it sounds like Shakespeares "Good night sweet prince and may flights of angels take you to thy rest" ie nice and airy fariy like you are singing him a lullaby, not scorning him and spitting in his face. More grit would do this a hell of a lot more good.

My point about line 10 wasn't that you changed subject but you changed style.
"O weary prince, rest in the endless herse (spell check = hearse)
Deluded, his obsessions turn a curse"
You seem to be using second person talking directly to the prince in the first line, I almost expect a 'you' or 'your' to pop up but then you return to third person by using 'his' I used to make this very same mistake all the time and it is something you need to be shown otherwise you wont learn.

Take another shot with edits I have suggested, use more guiding punctuation, and spell check, then we will talk again.

I will thank you ^ ^
The day goes by

The day goes by,
One minute sun, the next moon;
Petals close and the trees cry.

Morning; flowers open and sigh;
Open-minded and young, but soon
The day will go by.

Noon; growing is the rye;
Up towards the sun's friendly croon
But petals will close and the trees will cry.

Evening; trees lift branches high,
Though darkness begins to loom
Since the day is going by.

Twilight; the end is nigh;
Foliage starts to wilt and swoon,
And petals close and the trees cry.

Night; it's time to say good bye;
Was once standing; but quickly prone
The day went by;
The petals have closed and the trees have cried.
WTDH Mule
The day goes by

The day goes by,
One minute sun, the next moon;
Petals close and the trees cry.

Morning; flowers open and sigh;
Open-minded and young, but soon
The day will go by.

Noon; growing is the rye;
Up towards the sun's friendly croon
But petals will close and the trees will cry.

Evening; trees lift branches high,
Though darkness begins to loom
Since the day is going by.

Twilight; the end is nigh;
Foliage starts to wilt and swoon,
And petals close and the trees cry.

Night; it's time to say good by;
Was once standing; but quickly prone
The day went by;
The petals have closed and the trees have cried.


I think is a really good poem, I don't really know how critique it. Although there is a spelling error "Night, it's time to say good by" Bye. Also I'd like to know what you mean by trees crying. Sorry, I'm not really good at this. D: Ask The Solarised Night. She's really good at that.
Bait-kun
WTDH Mule
The day goes by

The day goes by,
One minute sun, the next moon;
Petals close and the trees cry.

Morning; flowers open and sigh;
Open-minded and young, but soon
The day will go by.

Noon; growing is the rye;
Up towards the sun's friendly croon
But petals will close and the trees will cry.

Evening; trees lift branches high,
Though darkness begins to loom
Since the day is going by.

Twilight; the end is nigh;
Foliage starts to wilt and swoon,
And petals close and the trees cry.

Night; it's time to say good by;
Was once standing; but quickly prone
The day went by;
The petals have closed and the trees have cried.


I think is a really good poem, I don't really know how critique it. Although there is a spelling error "Night, it's time to say good by" Bye. Also I'd like to know what you mean by trees crying. Sorry, I'm not really good at this. D:


I was going for an extended metaphor with the trees and petals being people (or animals) and the parts of the day stages in life.
WTDH Mule
Bait-kun
WTDH Mule
The day goes by

The day goes by,
One minute sun, the next moon;
Petals close and the trees cry.

Morning; flowers open and sigh;
Open-minded and young, but soon
The day will go by.

Noon; growing is the rye;
Up towards the sun's friendly croon
But petals will close and the trees will cry.

Evening; trees lift branches high,
Though darkness begins to loom
Since the day is going by.

Twilight; the end is nigh;
Foliage starts to wilt and swoon,
And petals close and the trees cry.

Night; it's time to say good by;
Was once standing; but quickly prone
The day went by;
The petals have closed and the trees have cried.


I think is a really good poem, I don't really know how critique it. Although there is a spelling error "Night, it's time to say good by" Bye. Also I'd like to know what you mean by trees crying. Sorry, I'm not really good at this. D:


I was going for an extended metaphor with the trees and petals being people (or animals) and the parts of the day stages in life.
I understand now, sorry I thought the other metaphors were more understandable like petals opening and closing.
The Solarised Night's avatar

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Bait-kun
WTDH Mule
The day goes by

The day goes by,
One minute sun, the next moon;
Petals close and the trees cry.

Morning; flowers open and sigh;
Open-minded and young, but soon
The day will go by.

Noon; growing is the rye;
Up towards the sun's friendly croon
But petals will close and the trees will cry.

Evening; trees lift branches high,
Though darkness begins to loom
Since the day is going by.

Twilight; the end is nigh;
Foliage starts to wilt and swoon,
And petals close and the trees cry.

Night; it's time to say good by;
Was once standing; but quickly prone
The day went by;
The petals have closed and the trees have cried.


I think is a really good poem, I don't really know how critique it. Although there is a spelling error "Night, it's time to say good by" Bye. Also I'd like to know what you mean by trees crying. Sorry, I'm not really good at this. D: Ask The Solarised Night. She's really good at that.

Thank for the compliments, love, but I am still a rookie and make rookie mistakes in my own work. I am practising giving critiques for my own writing contest and trying to learn to identify mistakes when I read them so I can also do so when looking at my work.
The Solarised Night's avatar

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WTDH Mule
The day goes by

The day goes by,
One minute sun, the next moon;
Petals close and the trees cry.

Morning; flowers open and sigh;
Open-minded and young, but soon
The day will go by.

Noon; growing is the rye;
Up towards the sun's friendly croon
But petals will close and the trees will cry.

Evening; trees lift branches high,
Though darkness begins to loom
Since the day is going by.

Twilight; the end is nigh;
Foliage starts to wilt and swoon,
And petals close and the trees cry.

Night; it's time to say good bye;
Was once standing; but quickly prone
The day went by;
The petals have closed and the trees have cried.


Hello and welcome to the thread.

I would like to start with the grammatical errors I noticed. Don't start a new line with a capital letter unless it is the start of a new sentence. Otherwise, you Might as well Be writing like This. Usually, the same grammatical and punctuation rules apply in poetry as they do in prose.

You seem to not understand how to correctly use semi colons. "Morning," "Noon," "Evening," and "Night" are not whole sentences; they are fragments, and therefore grammatically incorrect. Unless you are Stephanie Meyer, you can't get away with it. The next word that follows a semi colon, even if on a new line (which for some outdated and nonsensical reason, you like to do so) you do not capitalise.

"One minute sun, the next moon;" is an example of poor punctuation and just plain nonsense. I know that you are trying to say that at one stage, there is the sun, and then it is soon replaced by the moon, but the way you have written this is wrong.
You are saying "one minute sun" as a whole sentence. What is a "one minute sun?" Is it a sun that exhausts after one minute of burning time? this is then followed by "the next moon" which, without the comma, sounds like you are saying that there is more than one moon. Can you see this mistake? Even if you did put the appropriate commas in so it reads as:
"One minute, sun; the next, moon;" it still is grammatically incorrect and fragmented. Rework

The repetition of this piece is painful and lets face it, your extended metaphor is both weak, under-developed and -frankly- over used. Nothing really happens in this peice, you just repeat the same lines with a slight variation and change of tense. I highly recommend some plot development or at least a solid foundation for the philosophy which you are trying to high light.
This one is called Empty Smiles -

Seasons come and seasons go,
Days go by and years go slow.
Silent sounds fill the night,
As darkened angel wings take flight.
Corruption and regret fill the day.
The pain can all be willed away,
But these wounds won't seem to heal.
No one understands the pain I feel.
Whispered voices at my ear
Tell me things I don't want to hear.
The truth drives me insane,
My soul can't take this pain.
It may heal, but it will take a while,
But for now I'll continue with an empty smile.

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